A Color Deeper Than Red - GrUberfest 2005 (627 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.11 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-20 11:16:03 EDT
Jude always took solace from hiking in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Walking through the pine forests he enjoyed watching the life all around him, squirrels, rabbits, deer, birds, and all of the plant life made him feel connected with the world around him. He took great pleasure in his walks and after a hard day, could literally feel the stress fall away as he walked deeper into the woods. When a particularly bright full moon was out Jude really took pleasure in a night hike. The moon casting perfect shadows that looked like they were lined in silver, the night air crisp and cool, more than anything he liked that the noise in the woods was vastly different from the daytime activity of the woods.
It was during one of his night hikes that Jude first encountered it. During his many walks he thought he'd seen it all but this was like nothing he'd come across before. As he hiked, he entered a clearing to find himself staring at what, at first glance, appeared to be a small pool. Nearing the pool he realized it wasn't a pool, at least not a pool of anything he'd seen before, instead it seemed to hang just above the ground reflecting the moonlight off of its surface. The most amazing part of this pool was the color, a deep rich red, a color deeper than red; that pulsated in a sickening way. Jude stood and stared in wonder and terror as the pool began to seep toward him. He stood transfixed, grinding his teeth without realizing it, a sweat broke out on his brow and his eyes began to bulge in their sockets. The spell was finally broken when he noticed the sound, a low keening whine that stood his hair on end. Jude turned to run, and looking over his shoulder he thought he could see a face in the strange apparition causing him to sprint all the way back to his car.
Jude jumped in the car, locking his doors immediately and tried to start the car but shaking as badly as he was he had difficulty putting the key in the ignition. Frequently casting furtive glances back up the trail to look for the source of his terror, Jude stabbed at the ignition over and over until he got lucky and the key found its way home. Turning the key, Jude already had the gas pedal slammed to the floor, he threw it into gear and tore away from the trail spewing gravel and dirt behind his spinning tires.
Jude was still shaking when he got home, a cold sweat left him feeling slimy. He walked into his bathroom to shower in the hopes that he could relax enough to sleep. Glancing at the mirror Jude turned on the shower and then turned with a start to look again at the mirror. The face looking back at him was definitely his but looked five years older, lined with new wrinkles, somehow his flesh looked loose. He looked at his hair and noted streaks of grey in his dark hair, grey! He'd never had a single grey hair and now there big long streaks through his hair. As he stared at the reflection Jude began to see a halo around his image. A deep rich red that intensified until it consumed his image in the mirror. Jude screamed and slammed his eyes shut against the image, clenching his fists he stood defiantly in front of the mirror with his eyes clamped shut. When nothing happened he reopened his eyes and looked at the mirror again. His reflection stared back at him through the fog that was now steamed on the mirror. Astonished and relieved to see that he looked like himself, no more grey hair or saggy face, he jumped in the shower and cleaned up, then immediately dove into his bed. He pulled the covers up over his head and wrapped himself in them until it looked like a cocoon had been deposited on his bed.
Jude spent the next three months denying the incident, chalking the whole experience up to stress, or maybe food poisoning, or anything that seemed remotely plausible. He was reluctant to hike now and had an aversion to the color red even though for the life of him he couldn't remember why. Another month later, after a particularly hard week and even harder day, Jude felt the tug and pull of desire to hike again. Coincidentally there was a full moon that night so Jude planned for an extra long hike. By now he really had convinced himself the prior incident had been a dream, that it never actually happened.
It was good to be walking again, Jude briefly tried to figure out why it'd been so long but as soon as he began to think about it he started to feel sick so he pushed the question out of his mind. He continued down the trail feeling a sense of calm he'd missed finally take hold. He walked at a steady pace enjoying the sound of the wind blowing through the pines, the fresh scent of the trees, the clear blue sky above, and the overall feeling of serenity and ease he felt around him. As day slowly gave way to night he continued to one of his favorite spots, Boulder Hill. Boulder hill had a large outcropping of rock that overlooked the hills, you could see Mt. Rushmore when it was lit at night and the lights of Rapid City twinkled in the opposite direction. Star gazing from Boulder Hill is amazing to say the least. Feeling as good as he did Jude immediately noticed the change in mood around him. He noted the sense of dread and the menace directed at him. He tried to convince himself that he was imagining it but he could have sworn the temperature had dropped and as he walked on he thought he heard something familiar. He pushed on; refusing to give up such a great day to some bullshit feeling, as he climbed up the rocks and came to the top he saw it.
It was much larger this time, its color deeper than any red could ever be, it pulsed rhythmically. Jude could hear his heart beating in his ears, the beat increasing its tempo. Jude watched, frozen with fright as the pulsating of the "pool" matched the beat of his own heart. Skipping a beat when his own heart did so, beating a quick rhythm in response to the palpations Jude was unaware of. Once again Jude heard the noise, more a wail this time that slowly increased in volume until Jude's eardrums burst, little rivulets of blood pouring out of his ears. Jude absently wiped at the blood, pulling his hand away he looked at it and was surprised to see how pale it looked in comparison to the pool of red before him. He could feel his eyes pushing outward; he could feel his hair standing on end all over his body. Under normal circumstances he would have been amused to find out that even pubic hair will stand up like that but it didn't really register in his mind. His mind was filled with malice, a repeated thought, seemingly from outside insisted; "join us, join us, join us". It was then that he saw the faces in the pool. Not just one this time but several of them, all frozen in a scream. That was enough; Jude threw himself on the ground, breaking the grip of the color red. He scrambled to his feet and bolted. Tripping several times on the rocky path he frequently looked over his shoulder in search of the pool but never saw it behind him. He ran back to his car repeating his earlier experience. But as he got in he glanced in the rear view mirror and froze. Those weren't his eyes looking back at him, they were the eyes of an ancient man and all around them was a haze of that hideous deep red. Jude's face froze in a scream as the red increased in intensity in the mirror until it burst through in a great wet glop and consumed him.
The terror he felt before was nothing to the terror he felt now, consumed by this pool of hatred he found himself still fully conscious of himself but keening with the others; "join us, join us, join us".
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-28 14:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
evil and excellent
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-07 18:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-21 17:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anything I have to say has already been said below.
Some good stuff in there, but not enough grabbers. You gotta throw in a few grabbers every so often among descriptive stuff to keep the UBERADD gang hooked.
Having said that it's better than a lot of the shit that passes for writing here.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The scariest (and best) so far.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-20 17:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Great idea and really damn close. If I owned anything of value I would be willing to bet you could get it there in another hour or two.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:25:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
decent, but the grammar could have used some sprucing. I know what it's like when you write something and want to throw it out there right away. It feels like you've spent hours typing and you're sick of rereading sentances, so you cast it off like the pestering kid who's keeping you from banging his mom.
trouble is, the tyke ends up losing a leg in a lawnmower accident and you get blamed for it. That will seriously ruin your chub.
good luck in the comp.
That is almost definitely the most entertaining review I've ever recieved, or at least that I can remember. um... thanks.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
decent, but the grammar could have used some sprucing. I know what it's like when you write something and want to throw it out there right away. It feels like you've spent hours typing and you're sick of rereading sentances, so you cast it off like the pestering kid who's keeping you from banging his mom.
trouble is, the tyke ends up losing a leg in a lawnmower accident and you get blamed for it. That will seriously ruin your chub.
good luck in the comp.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad I didn't get into this thing because I wouldn't havet he time to whip anything up.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a solid idea but it just lacked something.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey Jude! Don't make it bad...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yep...very good just not blow your socks off good.
I love this little mini comp.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There were some interesting bits here and there. This could definitely stand a second go-round to polish up the good stuff and rework some of the description.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read this and thought - You're the bastard who killed Tasha Yar!!!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not really reading these, as I'm not in the mood for actual GOOD writing today, but I've got to say... these titles are excellent. Kudos to the ones who thought of them.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's too much detail, yet not enough at the same time. You put it all into the place and the person, but when the action came down it was sparse.
Great idea, just needs some expansion.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey jude, you take a sad song from the Black Hills of South Dakota and make rocky raccoon.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jude is the name a twenty year old bed wetter would have.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I mirror Thecaes thoughts, and I also know what you mean about rushing through things.
If you slowed down a little, this could have been amazing.
Still a good read though.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-20 11:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
like so many other things I find this applies once again:
Each thing I do I rush through so that I can do something else.
I saw what you're saying but couldn't put my finger on it. I don't usually narate when I write, I usually write from the first person so this was a bit of an experiement for me. And, well I rushed it. but it was still fun to do. I think the concept is solid I just need to give it a little more love.
but not like you think.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-20 11:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There was a lot of description here...but plain description, the kind that reads from an instructional manual, you know? Using that kind of descriptive voice tends to keep the reader at arms length from an emotional involvement standpoint. It becomes more gripping if you can spice things up with metaphors, or similes, or doing more SHOWING than telling. For example, instead of saying "he noticed it got really cold all of the sudden" you could say, "Suddenly he could see his breath hanging in the night air." Or something like that. To heighten the mood, you could say "He dashed frantically to his car" instead of "He ran to his car." See what I'm getting at?
I liked the concept you came up with; the mysterious red pool. I also liked the premature aging thing, I thought that was pretty cool. I think it would have been neat if you went more into his aversion to the colour red, as if maybe things that were red not only made him uneasy, but whispered to him in a voice only a small part of him could hear
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-20 11:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never tried horror before, it was kind of fun, hopefully this turned out ok.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77315