self perception is a funny thing (1000 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.65 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-10-20 13:33:32 EDT
I decided to tell my wife about Uber. She might never look at the damn thing, but I figured I needed to cover my bases from the beginning. Keep myself honest, if you will. If she were to look and decided I had put out something that she had an issue with, the ball busting would commence. She might even be driven to sign up and bust me out; I know I'd do the same to her.
So anyway, when I told the Wife about Uber and the content of my first post, (not gonna link, go find it if you want to, it's the only thing I've posted prior to this, nice little boss-hate-rant) her first response was, "God damn it, Matt. What the hell did you put on the Internet, a story about killing her by jamming a flaming hot poker up her vagina?"
What the fuck!?
This from the woman I love. Who loves me. The mother of my child. Why the hell would she want to be with someone who would violate a woman, to her death no less, by forcefully inserting vulcanized household objects into the old salty whisker biscuit? I don't really think that I put out the impression that I'm some kind of psychopath, but my most beloved had this as her response to my little bit of blowing off steam.
I'm generally a pretty decent guy. I help my parents out whenever they need it. Hold the door for people, smile, and spout mindless pleasantries in response to inane comments about the weather and other such drivel, when what I really want to do is smack the shit out of those people who forced me to respond. When in public I only insult people under my breath. I even share my beer, occasionally.
I am the first to admit I have my problems. But over time, in the process of becoming an adult I've tried to work on them. For instance, having both a nasty, explosive temper and a complete inability to let shit slide past uncalled are not a good combination, and often serve as the lead in to many situations that are not what one would call pleasant. This is something that I have tried to correct in myself, especially with the arrival of the boy. Can't have him around that nonsense or he'll see his old man hauled off to jail, or getting his ass whipped. Worse yet, he could turn into me.
So, I try to be a good and productive human, treating others kindly blah blah blah
In light of this response, I started thinking about the stories that make people laugh. The good ones that you tell around the family kitchen table around midnight after a big holiday gathering. Everyone just tossing back a few drinks, winding down and feeling good being with their loved ones, laughing and remembering the days gone by. And as I review the stories in my mind, I realize that 98% of them involve:
A. Violence
B. Stupidity
C. Inebriation, or influence of some other controlled substance, or
D. A mixture of some or all of the above
For instance: My little twin sisters were just starting kindergarten. A boy in my class, just being a little boy I guess, pushed one of them down and called her a bitch. Big mistake. My two brothers closest in age asked him if he wanted to play after school, that we'd meet him at the school playground. He had hung out with us before, maybe he thought it was going to slide, or that we didn't know what he'd done. Who knows? Stupid little fellow agreed to come play baseball. I was in sixth grade, my little brother was in fourth, and the next oldest brother above me was in seventh.
As we walked back to the playground later that evening, the dumb bastard still hadn't realized what was going to happen. He actually showed up, expecting to play baseball. He had brought two other friends with him though. As we walked up they started talking about what they wanted to do, just hit balls or play catch, whatever...
My little brother, smaller than this kid and two years younger walks right up and says, "Yeah, we could do that. Or we could do this...", whereupon he just blasts the kid in his nose. He hits the ground right before the gusher of blood that exploded from his nose does.
The other two guys just freeze, staring at the crumpled mess of their friend laying on the ground just sort of snuffling through the runners of blood and snot pouring out of his nose. There heads slowly turn to look at my older brother, I swear to god you could hear the tendons in the back of their necks creak as they did. As they finally make eye contact, all he says is, "Run." Not loud or mean. He just simply stated it. And then they did. Fucking cowards.
Maybe the reason that we didn't beat him up anymore after that was because we were a little sorry that he had such chickenshit, worthless friends.
What we did do is the piece that seems to make people laugh anyway. He was wearing Umbro soccer shorts, and a kind of windbreaker with drawstrings at the waist and neck. We drug him over to the monkey bars on the playground, screaming the whole time, but oddly enough not fighting that much; he probably thought he was going to die. We then proceeded to hoist him up to about the third step of the ladder and tie him down with every drawstring on his coat and stupid fucking soccer shorts. Shoelaces too. We knotted those fuckers as tight as we could-over and over again. Then we just left him there as the sun started to go down. He was crying, saying, "...let me down, let me down..."
The next day at school I went over to check out the monkey bars that we had tied him to. Whoever got him down had to cut the knots. There were little pieces of drawstrings and shoestrings on that thing for about two months, until they finally just rotted off in the rain.
Here's the thing. This kind of occurrence was not exactly an exceptional event in my life, but was actually rather commonplace.
For me, one of the really funny parts is that those stupid shorts had to be ruined. I hated those fucking things.
I still derive a good deal of laughter from this story. Hell, my wife laughs, too. I don't feel bad about this. I think what we did was justified, and we were even good enough souls to show a little mercy.
Maybe the Wife wasn't so far off the mark.
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-11-09 16:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Thou shalt not test back, sir...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 12:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I like you. But you may be an asshole.
teeph was so perceptive. how did i miss your early posts?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-30 05:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Umbro Vengeance
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-06-07 15:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how'd i miss this one?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-07 14:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, man. Tying a kid up in the park just as the sun is setting is closer to psychological torture than physical. I think I would have rather been beaten up and ran home.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-07 14:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-06-07 14:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-06-07 14:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
arr, matey.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
after reading this ill gladly take the sledgehammer
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great to see some quality fresh blood around here. two great first posts. thank you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-20 16:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Teephphah, the two don't have to be mutually exclusive. The only person I like who isn't a jackass is my son.
Submitted by towed88 (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being 3 years younger than my sister I can tell you that when its a siblings honor it doesn't matter what your age is. Fuck with my family at your peril. I've gone after guys much older and bigger than me becuase they screwed with my big sis.
now the realy crazy fucker in my family is my old man. This guy takes absolutely no shit from ANYONE. I can't confirm it but a buddy of his in High School implied that there may be a few more sould in heavne/hell than there should be becuase of my old man. even in his almost 60's he still scares the shit out of me. And the kicker is he's never laid a finger on me or my sis. He never had too!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me likey.
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 -- anything involving little kids being devious little kids.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't ever use the word 'drug' in that context again.
it is 'dragged'.
carry on.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My little brother, smaller than this kid and two years younger walks right up and says, "Yeah, we could do that. Or we could do this...", whereupon he just blasts the kid in his nose. He hits the ground right before the gusher of blood that exploded from his nose does.
--
This is why I want to have a son before I have any daughters.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My auto +2 list is now as follows: anything including the word whisker biscuit.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<sniffle> ah, that takes me back
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I like you. But you may be an asshole.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good read.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment