For The Uber Ladiezezeees: My Thoughts On The Female Form (2641 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.9 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-10-20 13:46:41 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77400
Cardboard. Scented candles. Imported cheese.
My hands are pioneers that want to settle down and get a job when they find their way to a pair of breasts. Honestly, I've never touched a woman's face, or legs, any of that weird stuff because the breast is like the whip cream on top of a cake. Women's breast are dripping with nourishing, sexual milk that gets into my eyes when I'm underneath and I have to get that fucking laser eye surgery. That burns. Like hell. Actually I prefer a sock to a vagina during the weekdays because of this.
Yeah, a woman's body smells nice, like cherries or some other type of sweet fruit. Curves are all like, a road going through the mountains and shit, with uh, panties on the road that have hearts or some sort of ironic phrase on them like "these panties are made of beer". Everytime I touch a woman I feel the rippling of disgust under my fingers, and it makes my genitals burn somewhere deep inside. Jesus, I hope that's not cancer or something.
Most women talk about how they are unsatisfied with their body and personal hygiene, but any guy can tell you that if he's drunk enough, you could be 650 lbs and live in a trashcan and for all we know we're in Jessica Alba's apartment getting some sweet tang. Al Pacino was all about the scent of a woman, but what he didn't know is that women use lotion and other forms of debauchery to cover their natural scent. In my opinion, women should have to spray themselves with perfume every 15 minutes. I'm actually allergic to perfume as are 85% of men, but I prefer it to your disgusting body odor ladies.
Now, to what sets men apart from women. I have this sort of fascination with being in a bed with 15 women at a time, that I could have sex with two of them and watch the rest pleasure each other in an orgy of hair and ankle bracelets. My hands would wander from breast to breast, groping and squeezing and feeling that squishy sort of fat that they're made out of. Even my mouth is wanton, desiring a cigarette so godamn bad that I start kicking about like a toddler.
Like going to Disneyland, there is only so much money a woman can screw you out of. You ride the teacups, hit up space mountain, ride through the haunted house as they make you feel like you're on top of the world. Then they fuck you eight ways to Friday when you get off the rides and pay 67 dollars for a cup of water. Next thing you know you're married with two kids that look like a hairless, animated mouse.
Of course I couldn't do this with a man, that would mean I'm comfortable with my sexuality, which no man is. The most fantastic thing about a woman is that they are really good at getting my whites as bright as they can be.
We are opposite.
Where I am hard, she is facing away from me telling me that she's got a headache and she's dying from gangrene.
What is more beautiful than a woman's body, completely tied up to all four corners of the bed? I argue that the answer is a sandwich.
It doesn't matter if you're fat, husky, or big-boned. You're overweight, end of story. You are a landscape that must be explored, and if you go to www.ubersite.com, I'm sure you'll find many members of the opposite sex willing to please you.
From a metrosexual man's point of view, there is nothing that compares to the glory of a woman's breasts. I think that any man would agree with that simple fact.
Thanks to Pentameter for giving me the opportunity to openly express my feelings.
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oohhhhhh
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-10-24 20:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the immortal words of FEAR, "Strangle me a bitch, gonna leave her in a ditch."
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-10-24 19:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And then, suddenly, everything made sense.
Fuck leaving Las Vegas, I'm buying property. Get out.
You people are KEELing me. Stop, in the name of (just stop) And get out.
"It's not unusual to be loved by anyone..."
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-10-24 19:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aesthetically speaking, (ie wank material speaking) funilly enough i prefer looking at petit women with small breasts
but when it comes to the actual rumpy pumpy, it does seem large breasts produce an erection more rapidly.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What is more beautiful than a woman's body, completely tied up to all four corners of the bed? I argue that the answer is a sandwich. "
Fookin' great!
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2005-10-24 09:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Where I am hard, she is facing away from me telling me that she's got a headache and she's dying from gangrene."
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAheeeheheeehehe, <breathes>, HAHAHAHAHAAAAA, gangrene, hehahehaa, the things us girls will do to get out of sex, oh man.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-10-24 02:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-10-22 02:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality like the sex at the retirement home.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-21 04:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was class. With a capital C.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-21 02:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear you make me giggle like a lunatic hehehehehehe.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-10-21 01:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-20 22:50:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this makes you the Tom Jones of Ubersite.
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pwned.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-10-21 01:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a delight, sir.
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-10-21 01:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-20 23:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AGREED.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-20 22:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-10-20 22:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking brilliant.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-20 22:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this makes you the Tom Jones of Ubersite.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-20 20:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your insane ramblings make me jealous.
Submitted by Cam (user info) at 2005-10-20 19:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-20 19:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wacking off to chicks rules.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2005-10-20 19:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It doesn't matter if you're fat, husky, or big-boned. You're overweight, end of story."
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy lord salami Berty you have chicken pox. That godamn harlot gave you the pox, and you better pray to something, a tree or some magazines I don't know how you do it, that you had them when you were a child. Otherwise you go blind.
No, wait, sterile. Sorry about that.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just when I was wondering if anything on uber would make me laugh again...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to bite the shit out of nipples, but my last girl bit my nipple back and it hasn't been the same since.
That's true by the way, when it gets particularly humid it itches and the skin flakes. It comes and goes but has lasted a year now.
Is this normal?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-10-20 18:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, i laughed and i laughed again
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-20 17:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at Ladiezezeees.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2005-10-20 16:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me cry from laughter. I seriously just about died.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:38:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:20:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn, you're a fuckin genius son - you know of my love for breasts AND imported cheese!
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Oh, I know a LOT more than that about you, my dear Jonny...
Not really. Here, have a titty.
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mmm, now if they could make fondue, for breasts - how cool would that be????
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:20:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn, you're a fuckin genius son - you know of my love for breasts AND imported cheese!
-----------------------------------------
Oh, I know a LOT more than that about you, my dear Jonny...
Not really. Here, have a titty.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn, you're a fuckin genius son - you know of my love for breasts AND imported cheese!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My hands would wander from breast to breast, groping and squeezing and feeling that squishy sort of fat that they're made out of."
I don't know why, but this is the part where my co-workers had to ask me why I was laughing.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you would dare -1 me because I get manicures and use conditioner on my hair RyuFu? Understandable.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm...incapacitating.
-- Homer Simpson
The Springfield Connection
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're my Moses.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where I am hard, she is facing away from me telling me that she's got a headache and she's dying from gangrene.
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Bwwaaahahahaaa!!!! It's funny 'cuz it's true.....:::sigh:::
I should have -1'd the use of the word metrosexual, but the post was too funny overall.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmm, sammich.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From a metrosexual man's point of view, there is nothing that compares to the glory of a woman's breasts. I think that any man would agree with that simple fact.
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I agree I agree...and a nice ass too
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come here, you little raven!
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit man.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At first I was mad that someone parodied her post so quickly. But then I laughed. Hard. WTGGLALL!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Today, we were the Penis Room at its finest.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was stupendous!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glall
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
You should of discussed cow fisting though GLALL!!!!!!
I'm dissapointed in you. Report for death by fat chick fucking in urbane's house immediately.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm comfortable with my sexuality, which no man is."
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I just noticed the television is off in the picture I used. That's not realistic at all.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaaaahahahha.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First place.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read this twice and am still laughing.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew someone would counter with this before the end of the day.
Cheers, fellow metrosexual!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, if you can ever haul your ass out of the strip clubs and swing down 75, we'll get drunk and then try to see straight long enough to play whichever shitty game I have at the moment.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is more beautiful than a woman's body, completely tied up to all four corners of the bed? I argue that the answer is a sandwich.
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I'm speechless.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aren't we beautiful creatures!!
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many kinds of awesome to describe.
Someone should send this to Vogue.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:52:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me snort while a sales rep was on the phone. As a result, she knew I wasn't listening to a word she said and will be stopping by tomorrow to pitch some shitty trainig seminar to me.
Asshole.
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Sorry, Hadley. I felt utterly destroyed yesterday when I found out you had won an x-box360 and I had not, and I thought this would be a perfect means of revenge. I guess I went too far.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is more beautiful than a woman's body, completely tied up to all four corners of the bed? I argue that the answer is a sandwich.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"if he's drunk enough, you could be 650 lbs and live in a trashcan and for all we know we're in Jessica Alba's apartment getting some sweet tang"
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+2 for that line alone. Now, back to the post...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A Ham sammich actually.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is more beautiful than a woman's body, completely tied up to all four corners of the bed? I argue that the answer is a sandwich.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Where I am hard, she is facing away from me telling me that she's got a headache and she's dying from gangrene."
Another.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You slay me GLALL!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me snort while a sales rep was on the phone. As a result, she knew I wasn't listening to a word she said and will be stopping by tomorrow to pitch some shitty trainig seminar to me.
Asshole.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next thing you know you're married with two kids that look like a hairless, animated mouse.
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Beautiful.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness on 19 levels.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like bossoms.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
-- Homer Simpson
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield