GrUeberfest 2005: A Perfect Day (561 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CookieLass (View user info) at 2005-10-21 09:08:00 EDT
Just a perfect day,
Drink Sangria in the park,
And then later, when it gets dark,
We go home.
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.
So many things to do, so little time to do them. I look down at the crumpled envelope that is my List. My oh-so-important List. Item One: Go shopping. My hands tremble slightly as I hold my fancy fountain pen and I cross that off my list. One wants a bit of ceremony when setting up for a day like today. Tonight, I'll eat well.
Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.
My blade rasps against the strop as I sharpen it. My hands shiver and shake as I lay it carefully on the hospital-white hand towel next to its brothers. I pull out my List again and run a manicured fingernail down as I check the items off one by one. A ball of tension builds in my loins as I make black marks beside each line. Saw: check. Syringe: check. Razor-knife: check. Spare blades: check. Filet knife: check. Cleaver: check. I won't use them all, but I'd rather have everything set and ready just in case. You never know how these things are going to go.
The Meat is secured with kitchen string to the vertical pole in the center of the basement floor, hands stretched above, leaving the tender torso exposed in a naked strip between their pants and shirt. I want to touch, but that's bad manners. Mother always said it isn't polite to play with your food, and I find that manners are so important. Especially these days, when everyone seems to be forgetting how to behave properly. Shameful.
Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own.
It's such fun.
Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself.
I thought I was someone else,
Someone good.
I like my food without chemicals. Lots of shoppers would prefer to take the bargain that preservatives provide, but I like mine fresh and clean. No one would notice if I went shopping in the Bargain Bin, and I'd be able to afford to shop more often, but I'd rather splurge on myself every once in a while and get the good stuff, even though it means more risk. A girl has got to spoil herself every once in a while.
I could take it to the butcher and have him kill and cut for me, but I find a sort of zen satisfaction in doing the work myself. It's almost meditative. These things take a delicate hand, you know. I lean the Meat's head back, ignoring the animal way that it rolls its eyes. If you look into them for too long, you'll lose yourself, and then you won't be any better than those hippies that refuse to eat the good red meat that god gave us. Honestly. Food with feelings.
I draw the knife swiftly across the throat and stand back so as not to spatter myself with the blood too badly. Things get messy enough after this point. I like to make the kill swift. Too much adrenaline can make the meat acrid and tough. I leave the Meat hanging by its wrists above the metal washtub I've laid down to catch the blood. I've got at least an hour of work ahead of me. Better put on my apron.
Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.
I hum to myself as I sever the tendons in the pelvic cradle. Once those are gone, it's simple to wrench the socket out, and my saw will make short work of the bone. This one has some lovely steaks. Gutting took a little longer than I had anticipated, but nothing to worry about! What I don't have time to dress now, I can throw in the deep freeze for later.
I slap 6 steaks on a large tray and go to the big metal sink in the corner of the room to have a wash-up. I run the steaks under the faucet to get off any extra gore and filet the skin and some of the fat from the edges. The doorbell rings just as I clear the top of the stairs, struggling under the weight of the meat-laden tray. My grandbabies are here! Oh what a perfect day it will be once we all sit down to the special meal I've planned!
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...
User Reviews
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the whole "female as the psycho" theme, and then it being Grandma made it shine! I think a little more character development on either the victim or Granny Grue would have been a good addition. I am wavering between the +1 and +2 because I didn't expect the twist at the end. It got me. Got me, I say.
A great short story.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-22 16:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I HATE song lyrics in stories.
That said, I liked what you did here so it can be forgiven.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-21 23:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alright now that's just fucked up.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't know, Caes, I'm a Lou Reed girl through and through
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:08:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cookie: This is a fine piece of horror. I like the fact you stepped away from the normal clichés and went with something different.
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Agreed. I also agree that you could have pushed the envelope a little farther. I liked the Grandma twist, but the point just didn't 'hit home' as hard as it could have. Your take on the title was good. Did Duran Duran cover that song at one point? I seem to hear Simon Lebon singing the chorus in my head.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-21 17:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's missing just a hint of something.
Victim characterization. A little extra grandmotherly spice at the end...maybe baking cookies with blood in them or something.
I liked it, though.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-21 15:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, the coldness was intentional... soulless killer *gasp* GRANDMA!!! But I see exactly where you're coming from, and I agree. I think that when it comes to competitions like this, I need to learn to take a chance and write what is in my head, not what I think people want. Because this started out as much longer and with more depth, but I constantly second-guess myself in editing and take out the good stuff. I'm seriously considering re-writing and putting back what I took out, just to see what you guys think of it when I'm not holding back.
I really do appreciate the honesty. Eventually, I'm going to make it past the first round on one of these things. I gotta say, though, losing to caes doesn't feel so bad. He wrote the better story, far and away. I wish he'd picked my other title, though... I totally thought it was the better of the two.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry Cookie, Just couldn't get with it. The premise isn't bad there's just not a lot of feeling in it. Overall a good tale but I think for the purpose of a competition like this, where i think more often than not the first few reviewers are in the competition, you could have the attention span you're looking for and therefore the time to bring some emotion/feeling into it. So uh, yeah. it just seemed very cold to me. Grandma redeems it to a 1 though as that's pretty fucked up.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was a very interesting take on the title. I dug it...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:03:37 (#)
Ranking: 1
It would have been better if it had been written in creole. Or something.
______________________
just needed a tad more quirk. Creole would have been perfect.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Thorny, if it made you smile, then you're a sick sort.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/e-sermons/butcher.html
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:25:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
I see exactly what you're saying, Berty, and that's exactly what I was afraid of. When I wrote this the first time, it was nearly 4 pages long without the song lyrics. Then I added the lyrics, saw it balloon up to nearly 5 pages, decided it was too long for the Uber attention span, and got to cutting. I whittled it down to 2 pages, and somehow managed to cost grandma her soul.
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Well you know me; talks a lot of bollocks with nothing to back it up, but even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kind of like a Nine Inch Nails video
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I see exactly what you're saying, Berty, and that's exactly what I was afraid of. When I wrote this the first time, it was nearly 4 pages long without the song lyrics. Then I added the lyrics, saw it balloon up to nearly 5 pages, decided it was too long for the Uber attention span, and got to cutting. I whittled it down to 2 pages, and somehow managed to cost grandma her soul.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cookie: This is a fine piece of horror. I like the fact you stepped away from the normal clichés and went with something different.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It would have been better if it had been written in creole. Or something.
You see, do you see, there just wasn't enough humanity in the victim. It could have been a pigeon or other vermin that doesn't incite feeling. I like my gruesomeness full of sadism. This didn't really do it for me.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The song nearly put me off, but prim grandma overcame it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked that this was a grandma doing all the killing. To a Lou Reed song.
Somehow I feel like this should have been longer and grosser (more gross?) but last time I went for the grody shock-factor, I got my lady-balls busted for it.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome, in a Silence of the Lambs sort of way
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
God, what is with the gutting and mutilating and killing while I'm trying to eat breakfast? Between stardamage, caes and this, I'm gonna feel very not hungry for a while.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCT UP!
But nicely done.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
meat