CRACK ROCK STEADY, are you ready? (790 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.86 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vagrantuallyvagabondafied <nahnoneofit.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-21 09:51:06 EDT
the other day i remembered something a friend told me when i was younger, and didnt have many firends. i dont remember exactly what it was, it wasnt really one thing as much as it was an entire eppiphany that i was to have a while after he kept telling me and telling me and telling me.
he pointed out my weird social ineptitudes, if that can be a plural. ever since i was put into school i always had trouble making firends with kids. i can speculate as to why all i want but the truth is if i truly knew why then i would fix it. see this shit is so hard to think about because its so ridiculously out of my grasp eternally that no matter how much i analyze it and tell myself the same excuse over and over just to have the comfort of its continued use as my only proof.
anyways, kids didnt like me. i was a social leper. but the few firends i have had have been great, great friends. i think im too straight foreward, come on too strong, yet subtley at the same time.
its my way of filtering out the people i dont want to be around, the people that cant handle somebody with no inhibitions. i can enver bring myself to lie about my age or meet girls online or listen to the new afi song no matter how catchy it is. of course alot of morons slip through the filter. not so much slip through it as target it as something they can be safe with, even though theyre too dull to realize what its all about. when i was fourteen or so my two and practically only friends (we were like three pees in a pod) got into the whole punk rock thing. i saw something i could be a part of that was right up my alley. looked down upon, the underdog of trends, if done right, of course. i never really got what it was all about back then, but he did. the one who had the balls to tell me i was socially retarded. the one who was smart enough to see that when he was fourteen. i hated drugs and cigarettes. god i was such a tool.
i think alot of my social ineptitude comes from my mother being such a fucker about letting me go anywhere. i never left the house until i was like, fifteen. for some reason i couldnt disobey her. i couldnt wrap my head around the simple pleasure of fuck off. at least not with her anyways.
well during the winter i was fourteen, my other "true friend" had stated fucking around with my twelve year old sister. i forget how i found out about it but one night i came home unexpectedly from my grandmothers house down the road and saw my bedorom light on. i hadnt left it on and immiediatley i knew what i was going to find when i got to the shallow stairs in my doorway.
the back door was lock so i pounded and pounded until my mother asnwered it. i brushed past her without saying a word and opened my sisters door. nobody in there. i went to my bedroom door and opened it to see my blanket stuffed underneath the door, presumably to keep sound from coming out.
and there, on MY bed, was my friend and little sister, half dressed.
he started to say someting about her inviting him over. i wasnt listenin. i beat his ass until my stepfather pulled me off. then we sat there for a very uncoftorble hour or so while my mom talked to him and my sister, me staring at him fidget sitting on my bed. she drove him home. the other friend stopped returning my calls and didnt talk to me on aim, not altogether, but it was never the same. it was bound to happen anyways. a while after that i ended up fighting him in a parking lot at school over some stupid insults over a girl. i guess i fucked him up pretty good.
that put my whole haivng friends thing on hold until i met pat. pat lived down the street from me, still does. my mom rareley let me go to his house but the few times i did turned me onto pot, and got me smoking cigarettes
marb reds
pack a day now.
anyways
oh shit
i totally forgot about my first girlfriend.
when i was thirteen i met a girl named felicia, felicia was no more then four feet tall, almost alarmingly skinny, no boobs and an overbite. but i thought she was beautiful, finally a serious girlfriend. we abused the shit out of our relationship,spent every waking moment together, learned the ropes of it really.
i had gone to school with her pretty much since i could remember but never spoke a word to her.
she was very quiet and mousy, almost looked like a mouse. alot of people didnt think she was pretty but i did. we exchanged virginities and dated for a year until i got bored of her insecurity.
now that i look back on it, i climbed her. i climbed right up onto her shoulders and grabbed the first rung of the social caste ladder and started to try to catch up. i clinmbed pretty fast though once that whole sex thing was out of the way.
okay back to fourteen, introduced to pot and booze and all that good stuff. no parties yet though, mom would never allow that. i never did well in school but i started to fuck off alot, talk back to teachers, politley yet it pissed them off more then when kids would be rude. the beginning of my creation of my filter. well the fascist school overlords dont like being talked to like that and i managed to get myself kicked out of school right around when i turned fifteen. drugs, fights, truency, all that good stuff. i got my ged and finally started going out to places, mainly punk rock shows. i loved the dropkick murphys, irish fucking pride. something i could claim.
i met a girl at a dropkick show, her name was amanda, she was a skinhead, sixteen years old, taller then i was. she was HOT. except for the whole racial hatred thing. but even at fifteen i realized that people go through phases. she wasnt a bad person she was just-just as confused as the rest of us. she lived wicked far away and i only saw her like twice. she dumped me because one of my firends told her i was fuckin around on her. stupid dramtic bullshit i know, but it was just another blow to my esteem. another reason to be paranoid. another paranoia to drive people away.
anyways then i started working on a farm part time and i met yet another girl named amanda. well, i had met her in school but started dating her afterward. amanda was jsut as tall as i was, beautiful bright blonde hair, big tits, nice ass, hip friends. all glam and glitter. she had just moved to the area which epxlains why a social leper like me had a chance with her. she wouldnt give it up but i was okay with that. i really liked her and her ditzyness, her cautiousness and meticulousness. evenutally she dumped me and moevd back to whereever she came from. when i was dating her, my sister started seeing this guy nick. nick lived down the street a ways. he was eighteen to her fourteen, which at first i didnt like one bit. whenever he was around we would smart eye one another and do anyhting to avoid each other at all costs.
around this time i starrted living with my grandmother, who coicidentally also lived down the street, right next to nicks house. one night nick showed up at my grandmothers with a bottle of expensive ass yet disgusting whiskey. from then one we were inseperable. he and pat also got along.
nick was from the next town over originally and didnt know anybody around here. i tronduced him to my growing group of friends and he slowly but sureley switched from "gangsta" to some sort of fucked up gangsta punk rock hybrid. i know that sounds like im clueless but trust me, its weirder then yoyur average congolermation. eventually nick and my sister broke up and i moved back in with my mother jsut as my sister moved out to begin her stints in and out of psych wards and hospitals and halfway houses because she kept running away and this and that and just plain wouldnt listen.
back to jeff.jeff was a little short, a little pudgy, but only in the gut, big broad grin and ALWAYS fucked up on something or toher. all this time i had a growing friendship with jeff. in my opinion my first true, real friend. we didnt spend that much time together being as he lived in the next town over but we talked all the time on the phone and the computer about EVERYTHING. he taught me how to play guitar. he introduced me to a group of friends that never really accepted me, mostly bcause i was never there during those "you had to be there" times. my mother still never fucking let me go anywhere.
fast foreward to sixteen
the beginning of my independance
my mother told me i couldnt go to jeffs house for the night. i had already bought a fifth of jack danieles for him and i and i wasnt going to miss it for the world. i finally said it. FUCK YOU.
and left
and got drunk and spent all my money on pot and smoked it all and drank and smoked and drank and smoked and sang drunken three chord irish punk with my arm tihgtly wrapped around jeffs neck. holding myself up. rihgt up there with him. yeaa.
and you know what
right about this point im having trouble remembering things. fast foreward to winter.
i started working for my uncle on his crew, wiring houses. first real job i ever had. five bucks an hour under the table, sixty hours a week. i was a lazy bastard but i stuck with this. right when i started working for him i met a girl named eileen. i met her online. she was jeffs cousin marks girl. one night i half jokingly asked her to meet me and my older friend colin on broadway at three am and she did! the normally busy street was desolate and we found her easily.
i had never seen her or a picture of her but she looked almost exactly as what i had depicted. she was the cutest thing ever. so innocent and spoke her mind so freely. but i could see the trouble in her eyes. she was like me. her paranoia of not being good enough made her appear not good enough, which fueled her paranoia.... just like me! we spray painted an underpass and went to dennys, my first trip to dennys, but it wouildnt be the last. dennys was the place to be for the punx of upstate newyork, i was to find out. she went home and colin droppped me off. the next week she again drove the hour to come to my house and hangout, we cuddled and watched tv and made out and all that good stuff you do when you meet somebody. but she was still seeing mark. this made mark and i not friends. i only had hung out with him a few times but this bothered me. i didnt want there to be cnotention between us, it would only make it harder for eileen. eileen contiuned to see both us and mark until we finally had enough and made her choose. she went on vacation to florida for a week, came back and called me at ten thirty at night. she told me she had decided she wanted to be with mark. i was devastated, i loved that girl more then i had ever loved anything and she gave me up. however, little did she know mark had met somebody else.
so eileen and i continued to see one another, i continued to work for shit pay all winter.
i should mention that before eileen and i had gotten serious, jeff had found a girlfriend. she was fourteen, pretty good lookin. jeff went to europe for two weeks with his mother and her new boyfriend and one day i went to sara, jeffs girlfriends house with a forty. she was one of those kids way wiser beyonf her years. we had a very good time talking. while jeff was still on vacation she came to my house and i fucked her. we were both very drunk and decided to jsut tell jeff the truth. so i waited for him to come online from europe to tell him. he came online and i told him. he said "dude, no problem, i was going to break up with her anyways" i knew it was bullshit and that he couldnt possibly be that unphased by it. i had violated our firendship hardfuckingcore.
he eventually admitted he was mad about it and we got over it.
so yes. one night cassandra, marks new girlfriend, came to nicks house for the night. jeff and her were on acid. cassandra and i had never met but our lives had recently been tied together by the events preceeding, meeting her was kind of surreal. she was very nice to me, imiediatley giving me a hug when i walked inthe door, never seeing me before. we all sat down and talked about the bullshit with mark and eileen and i. eventually cassandra asked me to come downstairs with her to talk in private. jeff was trippin pretty hard and kept yelling NONONO dont do it, will dont fuck it up, dont do it.
we went downstairs and again, surreal. we kissed. i had cheated on eileen with the one girl....well, you get the idea. i went home and and immiediatley called eileen and told her. she was mortified, wioldnt stop crying, told me it was over. i was devastated, so i walked back to nicks to be consoled. well, i didnt find what i was sure i would. tehy didnt want me around. i left. eileen took me back eventually. cassandra hung out with me every once in a while and eventually she stpped dating mark and dated some dude jake, one of jeff and marks friends. cassandra had an open relationship with him i guess and one night when eileen had just dumped me again she spent the night with me. incase youre not seeing the pattern here thats one jeffs girlfriend, two marks girlfriendsand one jakes girlfriend. eventually mark hated me, cassandra hated me, jeff didnt care for me, nick started shying away, hanging out with them now.
i turned this hate into a rihgteous battle. i am the udnerdog, fucked over by circumstance.
yes i am a dog, but in the same respect, i am only human. besides, it takes disaster to learn a lesson.
i stopped wrking for my uncle because his wifeand kids were one huge cunt to me and i never got the raises i deserved. i got a new job at a small printshop down the road from my house.it was just a middle aged couple, a basket case 27 year old girl and me who worked there.they were very nice people and iloved working there. dated eileen some more. only saw her once a week because she lived so far away. evenutally they fired me because i didnt show up too many mondays. things with my mother were getting shitty because she kept trying to tell me i couldnt go out when i had worked all ufcking week. it was bullshit, so i packed up my shit and moved out. where? my old boss's shed. told you they were nice people. it was a place to sleep. an outlet for my laptop and a lamp. pretty cozy. eileen moved to boston to go to college. and i was utterly alone. not a care in the world. walked around town pickin up butts and returning bottles for a bag of chips or some forties or some pot, life was okay. but i had no one to share it with. i found myself for the first time ever exploring the world around me. meeting the most fucked up crazy people, and loving it. eventually i moved in where nick and jeff had been living, this girl dejas house. deja and i had shared a night together a while back but we were just friends. jeff was all over her, and she started giving me looks over his shoulder. nick and jeff moved out, disgruntled by me intrusion on their good thing. i stayed for a while with deja until she got bored of me and i went back home to mommy. yet another tally on the wall for fucking over my freind. BUT I DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE THIS TIME EITHER! im only human...right?
then i met josh, josh was from a slghtly distant town, moved here with his mother and he liked me.
we hung out often, still do. he knows a shitload of people all from towns other then the one i live in. PERFECT. he brings me to parties in the city and awesome music shows and just genuinley is my friend. his group of friends is totally, toally different from the people around here. no drama bullshit, just mature people having a good time. which im sure is what its like around here when im not around. but my repuation doesnt preceed me with joshs crowd.
another chance to scuttle up a few more rungs of the ladder.....
but the laundramat down the road from jeffs will always hold a special place in my heart.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:15:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not reading all that,
but the guy on the right has cool hair-
i've become seriously addicted to getting my hair cut and now i'm thinking i want his hair.
i am a girl.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-06 21:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i was a social leper
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Newsflash. You still are, dude.
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-11-06 21:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I tried reading it all, I really did.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-11-06 21:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I read it and didn't like it.
In addition, your lower case letters make you an internet 'non-conformist, emo, goth, rebel, melancholy, emotion-whore, I-cut-my-wrists-yesterday-cause-i'm-so-goth-I-shit-bats' personality type.
And that's much worse than a bunch of ubergeeks patting eachother on the back and ripping into the morons that post crap like this.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-06 21:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
LIVIN' ABOVE THE LAW!!!!!!
But crap post, mate.
Submitted by ryan5012 (user info) at 2005-11-06 21:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, I really liked this.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 14:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe you had the gall to try and call me out on another post, forcing me to come read your brillant shit.
No wonder you thought that other shitty post was good. You have selective good writing disease. I would consult with Dr Jack Kevorkian on that one.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, you three. especially mrsparkles for appreciating the style of writing i use for what it is.
its like having a conversation with your brain. just keep writing till youre satisfied.
ill fix my typos and conhension but im not using a capital letter and a period because im not down with that pinko commy bullshit
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A few typos?
Seriously man.
Proper grammar, spelling, and sentence structure make things easier and more enjoyable to read.
That's not pseudo-intellectualism. That's basic shit people should learn in junior high.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is overly long, and a bit difficult to read because of your lack of proofreading, and to be honest with you, I usually hate this sort of "woe is me" crap. There's something about it, though. I don't know. I liked it.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
EXIHIBT A: http://www.ubersite.com/m/77465
no, no leets or woots here, just cant tolerate it. totally above all that
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ubersite is full of people who wouldn't go for any other forum on the net; you know, the ones where everyone's mindset is "W00T L33T." None of these people can tolerate it, so the forums don't tolerate them, and eventually they discover this site, where they can join a motley bunch of people like them. Drawn together by loneliness, as it were."
thats funny cause ubersite seems to be just like every other forum dominated by a few ubergeeks (nopun intended). with your stupid little circle of patting each other on the back and ripping people apart beacuse theyre not worried about a few typos. pseudo-intellectual DOUCHEBAGS
JUST RELAX AND READ THE STORY FOR FUCKS SAKE
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
When I stopped giving a shit what you people think.
Fuck the lot of you.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was painful to read.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
circe when did you become such an unbearable bitch?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only things I can say need improvement are you grammar, spelling and capitalization. The style is brilliant, and I think that if you work on the above, you'd wind up getting pretty well-accepted here.
Ubersite is full of people who wouldn't go for any other forum on the net; you know, the ones where everyone's mindset is "W00T L33T." None of these people can tolerate it, so the forums don't tolerate them, and eventually they discover this site, where they can join a motley bunch of people like them. Drawn together by loneliness, as it were.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus fucking christ, you people annoy me.
For the last time: If you're going to spam my posts with -2's because you're a sad little child whith no other way to interact with your intellectual superiors, CHOOSE THE POSTS WITH A PERFECT +2 RATING.
For fuck's sake, you should be ashamed of yourself. You don't just halfheartedly piss on the posts at the top of the list, you put in some effort! Search through, find the best ones, and shit all over them!
Amateur.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF I'm not reading all that. It's a life story.
It's a life story that's been slated. Wow. That's pretty serious shit.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I actually read this. All of it.
And I don't like you very much at all. You're a stupid little boy.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet you feel just fucking brilliant tossing six dollar words around, douchebag
Submitted by drumfeeb (user info) at 2005-10-21 10:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, you're an asshole.
And you didn't mention Choking Victim once, despite the title.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what on earth made you think anyone alive would be interested in this gargantuan pile of crap?
p.s
oxytetracycline is your friend.