A Color Deeper Than Red - Rewrite (559 hits)
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Rating: 1.57 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-21 12:17:44 EDT
I'd always enjoyed hiking in the Black Hills, finding solace and comfort in my surroundings. The Black Hills are rich in life, as I walk through the old pine forests I watch squirrels, rabbits, deer, and birds of all kind going about their daily business. Submerging myself in this environment has always allowed me to feel connected and grounded in the world around me, after a hard day I can literally feel the stress fall away as I walk deeper into the woods as though it's being drawn out of me by the trees of the forest. When a bright full moon is out I really enjoy a night hike; the moon casting distinct shadows wreathed in a silver lining, the air crisp and cool, and the stillness of the woods, so different from the day's cacophony of noise usually present in the woods.
The first night I encountered it I was on one of my night hikes. I've seen countless things I couldn't explain while hiking in the Hills but this was definitely the strangest. I was taking a relatively unknown trail that would take me to a deserted wood mill. Walking briskly I entered a meadow that the trail crosses, and saw something I hadn't seen in this meadow before. Lying across the trail was something that looked vaguely like a pool of some red liquid. I don't really know how to describe it, it looked like a pool of water in that, at first glance, it appeared stationary and reflected the moon light off of its surface, but as I stood transfixed I took in more and more detail like the color. This pool was a color deeper than red, distinctly red not some other color, but so rich, deep, luxurious, it was sexual without being sexy, it looked violent, tainted, and purely evil. It's a color deeper than red and it is an incarnation of evil. I don't have the words to really make you understand. I stood gazing at the strange pool in fascination, later I would have a sore jaw from grinding my teeth but I had no idea I was doing it, I did notice the cold clammy sweat that broke out on my brow and the intense pressure behind my eyes, it felt as though they would burst out of the sockets at any moment. The noise of the foul thing is what finally broke the spell; it was kind of a disgusting, keening, whine that made my hair stand on end, all of my hair. I thought I heard a whisper, "join us, join us, join us"; I turned and bolted out of the meadow. As I sprinted away I looked back over my shoulder and nearly tripped when I saw a face with a scream frozen on its face staring at me from within the pool. I ran all the way back to my car frequently looking behind me to see if I was being followed. I reached the car, threw open the door, dove in and slammed the door behind me. I was shaking so badly that I had difficulty getting the key into the ignition, stabbing at it until the key found its mark by sheer luck. I glanced at the rear view mirror as I tore away from the railhead spewing gravel and dirt from beneath my tires, and nearly drove into the ditch. The red was in the mirror, I watched it slowly intensify until my mirror was completely filled with the menacing haze of color. I was so freaked out and terrified that I tore the mirror off its mount and tossed it out the window.
Arriving home I walked to the bathroom. The smell and slimy feel of my adrenaline fueled sweat was sticky on my body and I wanted a shower. I turned the water on to let it warm up, turned to the bathroom mirror, and screamed again as I caught my face reflected there. It was my face but it looked like I'd aged ten years. My flesh hung on my face loosely, my eyes looked foggy or clouded, and my hair, oh my hair! My hair was streaked with grey where there had been none before. Looking at myself in the mirror I saw the red haze around my reflected self, slowly it intensified until it consumed my image. I screamed again and clamped my eyes shut against the image. I could feel my fingernails biting the palms of my hands my fists were clenched so hard. I waited for the haze to drop out of the mirror and take me. A few minutes later I was still standing there, shaking, weeping. I slowly opened my eyes and was relieved to see my old self reflected, through the steam that now coated the mirror, instead of the twisted, aged self I'd seen only moments before. I undressed and climbed into the shower feeling relieved as the water running down my body washed the fear away. I stood under the showerhead for a good twenty minutes just letting the water wash over me. Carefully avoiding the mirror I toweled off, ran to my bed, and jumped in pulling the covers in tight around me like some kind of giant cocoon. It took a while to fall asleep and when I did my dreams were tainted with that menacing red, everything looking as though it was photographed through one of those red filters.
I tried to tell a friend of mine, Paul, about that night. I tried to describe it, to describe the sinister malice I could feel emanating from the apparition. After seeing it in my car mirror and bath mirror I was convinced it was after me, waiting, lurking. I cringed every time I walked past my reflection. I told him about the noise, the imploring whisper inviting me into whatever it was. Just as I feel I am doing now with you, I failed. I told him about it in the hopes that he'd be able to offer some comfort, or help me research to see if there were reports of such phenomena, or something! I guess I should have expected it, after all much of the action in those shitty horror movies they're putting out now relies heavily on the stupidity of the characters, he wanted to see it. Paul said he didn't believe me and that he had to see it, that I had to take him. I still today don't understand why I didn't walk away, or talk him out of it. He pleaded with me and, when that didn't work, demanded that I take him to it, and I caved.
I took him back to the meadow. Hoping that it wouldn't be there, that it needed to be dark, or the moon had to be out, or that it moved, I took him back. It was still there. In the daylight I thought it looked even more sinister then it had the night before. My skin started to crawl as I watched the red began to writhe as though it was enjoying some exquisite form of ecstasy. The pressure was building behind my eyes again, this time the sweat was running down my face, stinging my eyes and soaking my clothing, and then I heard it again; "join us, join us, join us". I was caught, I couldn't move, I couldn't tear my eyes from this thing, it was taking everything I had to not walk into the red pool. As I stood there, rooted to my spot I saw Paul walking toward it. I tried to speak out, to get his attention but I couldn't, I just couldn't, it was like a giant hand was holding me there with one finger covering my mouth. As my friend neared the pool the noise grew louder; "join us, Join Us, JOIN US" and the red started to swirl and pulsate. I watched in sickened terror as the red consumed my friend. First he was walking to it and then he was being consumed. I couldn't detect a change in the shape of the thing but it looked as though my friend was being fed to a wood chipper, bits of blood, and bone, and flesh were spraying all over the meadow.
I don't know if I've ever truly been grateful for having to vomit but I was then. My gut wrenched as though the hand that held me was squeezing and suddenly a great explosion of vomit was flying from my mouth. I doubled over feeling a great wrenching in my gut. I felt like I could explode again but was out of ammo. I turned to run from this meadow once again when I heard Paul's voice join in the gruesome noise surrounding the pool. I could hear him saying "join us, join us, join us". I looked back at the pool and there was his face, his mouth unmoving, frozen a scream. The pool was larger now and the rhythmic pulsing of the colors gained pace with my heart. My heart was hammering in my chest, each beat reverberating through my body like a punch to the chest. The invitation being offered by the pool increased in volume, I felt an intense pain in my ears and then felt the sticky wet blood of my ruptured ear drums running down my face. Absently, I wiped the blood from my face and compared its color to that of the pool. The blood might as well have been white compared to the pool it looked so colorless. I got away, I ran, I stumbled, I scrambled, I jumped, in short, I got out of there anyway I could get my legs to respond.
It's been three days now. I haven't slept. I can't eat. Everywhere I turn I see it, the red. Every reflection I see of me is consumed in it. I hear it constantly. I tried to drown it out by turning the stereo all the way up but it's in my head. I stink, it's as though every bit of nastiness, or rot, or ruination I've ever encountered is now coming out of my pours. It's waiting for me, stalking me, lurking. Even as I write this, struggling to keep my hand steady enough to write, I can feel it watching me. I wrote this to explain it. I wrote this to warn you.
User Reviews
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2005-10-26 13:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's to you for going for the re-post. (Pre-emptive response: I know the "for"s are repetitive.)
On another note: sorry about the D-Prime Madness, Round 2 fiasco: http://www.ubersite.com/m/77787
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Axolotl
Badassmofo
Brdn_Nkd
We need a GrUeberfest Round 2 sub for icarus.
Interested? Get thee here, post haste - http://www.ubersite.com/m/77637
First one of you that responds to this with a title for Stardamage is in.
Oh, and pick one of the titles she offered to icarus, as well, if you please: Crunch Like Candy Thunder, Shelves, or These Are the Facts.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-21 21:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Aaaalll right, you asked for it. Stand back, I'm about to get specific.
"This pool was a color deeper than red, distinctly red not some other color, but so rich, deep, luxurious, it was sexual without being sexy, it looked violent, tainted, and purely evil. It's a color deeper than red and it is an incarnation of evil."
The last line is repetitive. You already mentioned it was deeper than red and evil.
"I stood gazing at the strange pool in fascination, later I would have a sore jaw from grinding my teeth but I had no idea I was doing it, I did notice the cold clammy sweat that broke out on my brow and the intense pressure behind my eyes, it felt as though they would burst out of the sockets at any moment."
This sentence runs on. Should be at least two sentences, maybe three.
"The red was in the mirror, I watched it slowly intensify until my mirror was completely filled with the menacing haze of color."
I liked this.
"As I sprinted away I looked back over my shoulder and nearly tripped when I saw a face with a scream frozen on its face staring at me from within the pool."
A 'face with a scream on it's face.' Too many 'faces.'
All in all, it's much improved. You can add some 'oomph' to your writing by breaking up your paragraphs. They are too big for what you're trying to accomplish here, I think. When reading something, if it's broken apart from the larger block of text, it gets a certain
emphasis
placed on it. See what I mean? (i don't suggest you break it up in the middle of sentences like i just did there; that was just an example. but definitely create more paragraphs between your sentences)
The ending and beginning don't match. The dude is talking in a conversational manner about this weird little thing he saw on an evening stroll, but by the end it's killed his best friend and driven him nearly mad. It doesn't jive with his tone at the start, know what I mean?
That's all I got right now. Hope this helps.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:47:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
much better...though, if he burst his eardrums, wouldn't he have to turn up the stereo anyway.
*shrug*
Yeah, I actully thought about that when I wrote it. I wanted the audible to play a role, I wanted the blood running down his face, and I wanted to try to drown out the noise that was really in his head. I couldn't figure out how to do it and in a fit of rebellion i decided to leave it alone. I guess that goes back to me being impatient.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
much better...though, if he burst his eardrums, wouldn't he have to turn up the stereo anyway.
*shrug*
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This had a strong Lovecraft feel to it. That's a good thing...
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad you re-wrote this. It works so much better this time around. I love the fact that it had been 3 days and you were warning us. It gave the story a new purpose.
Submitted by pfs4life321 (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment