Grueberfest, The Sacrifice. (850 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bigmike (View user info) at 2005-10-21 12:36:21 EDT
Nancy was excited about the evening. She was going to a Halloween party with her husband John and they were dressing up in these great Abbott and Costello costumes. The costumes were authentic old time baseball uniforms that they rented at the local costume shop. She was excited because they had been practicing "Who's on first" all week and they were going to perform the routine in front of all of John's friends, who happened to be huge baseball fans. As she sat in front of the mirror putting on her halloween makeup, she looked at her face in the mirror. "I hope I don't screw it up," she thought as she applied eyeblack under her eyes. She was also hoping that John's secretary, Candy, wasn't going to be there.
John was also a little excited. As he slipped his baseball pants on in the bathroom, he was thinking about his secretary, Candy. She was going to be at the party, and John hoped he could slip away for a few moments with her for a little halloween treat. As he held his Louisville slugger prop bat, he was also thinking about tricks. He couldn't stand Nancy, and for the last fifteen years had been trying for a way out of the marriage. Nancy had no clue of course. She thought that thier arguments were a normal part of any marriage. After all, her parents had argued all the time. John didn't quite see it that way.
Nancy and John arrived at the party fashionable late. Most of the partygoers were there already, and some of them looked like they had gotten into the "Monster Mash" quite heavily. John immediately spied Candy sitting over in a corner making small talk with his boss. As he looked at her, she looked up and saw him. He gave her a little wink, which she returned accompanied by a smile. John thought she looked great as a little french maid and her costume was perfect and sexy. All was right with John's world as he made his way over to the bar with Nancy. Nancy saw the way that Candy had looked at her husband. With a disgusted look on her face, she followed him to the bar. They ordered a few drinks, and then proceeded to mingle with the crowd while having just a few more.
After about an hour, Candy looked at John and discreetly nodded her head. John watched as she excused herself from her conversation, got up, and headed for the bathroom. John pawned his wife off on one of his co-workers and proceeded to do the same. When John reached the bathroom he quickly knocked on the door. He didn't want to surprise anybody just in case Candy wasn't in there. When he heard Candy's voice say "come in," he didn't hesitate. He opened the door, went in, and locked it behind him. He turned to see Candy standing in front of him already naked. It was time for a little halloween treat. "How do you like my bat?" He asked her as he set the Louisville slugger by the door. "Mmmmmmm," was all she replied.
Three minutes later, and a couple of ounces lighter, John emerged from the bathroom. Again luck was on his side as nobody was outside the room waiting to use it. He nodded and smiled to Candy and let her know the coast was clear. Candy also smiled as she wiped the remaining drops of John from her mouth. She watched as John left the bathroom and continued cleaning up. Candy didn't really like this arrangement, but she knew it was good for her paycheck so she just kept on keeping John happy. She finished her cleanup, adjusted her little french maids costume, and exited the bathroom in search of John's boss. She had some work to do this evening if she wanted that huge raise and promotion. She was going to keep a few more men happy this evening.
John immediately walked over to his wife and whispered to her "it's time." He then quickly went into thier routine.
Abbott (John): "Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. Bucky Harris the Yankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team."
Nancy looked at him a little confused. She had quite a bit to drink and he had caught her at a disadvantage. She had forgotten about the routine, but now that he had started it, she didn't want to disappoint him. She tried to oblige.
Costello (Nancy): " Uhh....ummm...Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players."
Abbott: "I certainly do."
Costello: "Well uhh... you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
The crowd started to watch them with interest. Most of them were somewhat familiar with the routine, but to some this was a new experience. Nancy was struggling with the lines but John knew the routine cold. The crowd could see this. The two continued.
Abbott: "Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names."
Costello: "You mean, like, funny names?"
Abbott: "Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean..."
Costello: "His brother Daffy"
Abbott: "Daffy Dean..."
Costello: "And their French maid cousin."
Nancy said this with a disgusted look on her face as she glanced at Candy. John was surprised at this and momentarily wondered if Nancy knew about Candy and his relationship. The rest of the crowd chuckled at her remark and he chuckled with them. He was getting angry with her though.
Abbott: "French maid?"
John said this with a half mocking smile as he looked at Candy.
Costello: "Goofay"
The crowd laughed at this, but Nancy wasn't laughing. Niether was Candy.
Abbott: "Goofay Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third..."
Costello: "That's what I want to find out. As a matter of fact, I've been trying to figure that out for a long time."
Nancy said this with a sarcastic tone to her voice as she looked right through John.
Abbott: "I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third."
John was getting angrier with her by the minute. He was also glancing nervously over to Candy and his boss. He could feel tension beginning to develop in the partygoers.
Costello: "Are you the manager?"
Abbott: "Yes."
Costello: "You gonna be the coach too?"
Abbott: "Yes."
Nancy added a very sarcastic ad-lib here.
Costello: "My, my. What else do you do?"
Abbott: (annoyed now) "Let's keep to the script, honey. Shall we?"
Costello: "Ok, ok. sorry." Nancy added a wry smile here. "And you don't know the fellows' names."
Abbott: "Well I should."
Costello: "Well then who's on first?"
Abbott: "Yes"
Costello: "I mean the fellow's name."
Abbott: "Who."
Costello: "The guy on first."
Abbott: "Who"
Costello: "The first baseman."
Abbott: "Who.
Costello: "The guy playing..."
They were getting into a groove now and John thought that Nancy had finally settled down. They were beginning to get into character. John was a bit relieved and he could feel a little of the crowd tension begin to disperse.
Abbott: "Who is on first!"
Costello: "I'm asking you who's on first."
Abbott: "That's the man's name."
Costello: "That's who's name?"
Abbott: "Yes."
Costello: "Well go ahead and tell me."
Abbott: "That's it."
Costello: "That's who?"
Abbott: "Yes." PAUSE
Nancy was playing it up big for the crowd now and John was relieved.
Costello: "Look, you gotta first baseman?"
Abbott: "Certainly."
Costello: "Who's playing first?"
Abbott: "That's right"
Costello: "When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?"
Abbott: "Every dollar of it."
Costello: "All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base."
Abbott: "Who."
Costello: "The guy that gets..."
Abbott: "That's it."
Costello: "Who gets the money..."
Abbott: "He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it."
The crowd was roaring with laughter now as the two continued with thier skit.
Costello: "Who's wife?"
Abbott: "Yes." PAUSE
Nancy, being a little more drunk than she wanted to be, decided to take the conversation to a different place.
Costello: "So Who has a wife?"
John looked at her funny, but obliged her not knowing where this was going.
Abbott: "Yes, she sometimes comes down and....."
Costello: "Who cheats on his wife doesn't he?"
Abbott: "I'm not sure what you mean. No, Who plays first."
Costello: "I'm sure Who makes all sorts of plays at first doesn't he. Outs, fly balls. I'll bet he even gets to third sometimes, or even scores doesn't he?"
Nancy was getting red in the face now and angrier by the minute. The crowd didn't know how to react so they just stood there in stunned silence. John's hands were wringing the bat he held furiously. His face betrayed the anger he was feeling.
Abbott: (sarcastically and with anger) "What's wrong with that?"
Costello: "Does Who's wife know what a good player he is, making all these great plays? I'll bet she does."
Abbott: " I'm guessing maybe she doesn't. Nobody cares, especially Who."
John was having a hard time concentrating and most of the crowd was nervously backing away or ignoring the whole spectacle. His body was tense and his mind was racing.
Costello: "Who doesn't care?"
Abbott: "Yes Who. He doesn't care and he makes alot of plays." John was yelling at her now. "He goes to first, rounds first and goes to second. He doesn't stop there though, he goes right on to third."
John was screaming at her now and Nancy was standing there defiantly, tears running down her face, smearing her eyeblack. John didn't stop.
Abbott: "He doesn't stop at third though, he goes right on around to SCORE!"
With that, John swung the bat heavily and hit Nancy right in the head, dropping her to the floor.
As the stunned partygoers watched in horror, John bent down to Nancy, watching the blood exit her body through her nose, mouth and ears. The crowd listened as he spoke.
Abbott: "Sometimes though, sometimes he hits into a sacrifice. You know what that is Costello? A sacrifice is something you do to make the possibility of scoring much better. You sacrifice. I think that the opportunity for scoring is much better now, don't you?"
John waited, but there was no answer from the prone Costello.
John stood up and looked down at his dead wife. The crowd looked on horrified. John casually walked over to the bar, poured himself a drink, downed it in one swig, and left the party.
User Reviews
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-10-26 17:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes.
Don't let your wife read this.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-10-24 19:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Adds new definition to sacrifice. ++
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-24 02:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That should have said... 'mine neither'.
If I didn't come back and correct that it would have driven me nuts.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-24 02:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:19:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
nothing this exciting ever happens at my work
---------------
me neither!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-22 12:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect Mike, great tale.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-10-21 23:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:39:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
you see, thats what you get for smarting off.
Gold Mick, pure gold on this reply.
Submitted by Aiya (user info) at 2005-10-21 23:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You Rock : )
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work. Lost me a little in the middle of the routine, since I don't know it too well, but the ending was pretty choice. You captured their awkward public squabble well.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-21 17:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That guy's got to lay down a hell of a suicide squeeze at work next week.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-21 16:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's very very rare that I say this, but OMFG.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-21 16:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, shit, big guy. very nice double-play on the title.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-21 15:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was totally expecting Nancy to cut off his cajones with a witty remark like "no balls, one strike." But this ended perfectly.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you see, thats what you get for smarting off.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank god baseball season is almost over.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nothing this exciting ever happens at my work
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was awesome. good show. cheers!!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck, Mike!?!?!?!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't see it coming.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, you rule
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-10-21 12:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't resist this nagging idea that I've had in my head all morning.
It's that damn game of baseball....always in my head.