Dear God, can you hook a brotha up? (944 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (View user info) at 2005-10-21 13:24:34 EDT
Hello, God?
Yes, this is Toby.
I am fine and yourself?
Hmmm, well soak it in some salt water and it should be fine.
Listen, I know you are busy. I saw Bruce Almighty and the illustration was well received, and I hate to bring it up again but I could really use your help.
Yes. Yes, Jim Carrey was very funny in this particular movie. But getting back....
Yes, Morgan Freeman is great. It is always a good movie with him in it.
Yes, I saw Shawshank......Listen, I hate to change the subject and all but, I was wondering if you had received my request a few weeks ago?
No, not that request. She is gone. Been gone. You don't keep up any better than that?
Yes, I know you are busy, but she hit the road like 5 years ago. And thanks for ignoring that request, by the way. I owe you for that.
Yes, I owe you for many requests. Wait.. You remember everytime I used to get behind the wheel after a few beers and ask you for assitance, or begged you to give me an Ace, but didn't know that bitch bailed on me a week after I finished college? You have an odd filing system, Sir.
Ok, Wait. Wait. You don't have to explain yourself, Sir. You are God. But, hey, over here. let's focus for a minute because in this instance, time is of the essence.
I know, I have asked for a hundred different things in my life, but I......Huh?
Hundreds,thousands...thousands, millions, what's the difference?
You may be the omnipotent one, the all seeing and all knowing, but your attention span is for shit.
Now, I need one item and one item alone. Well, six items, in the proper sequential order. I need the ping pong balls to read 2, 12, 17, 27, 36, and the power ball to be 9. That doesn't seem so hard, does it?
What do you mean, you can't?
You're God. You turned water into wine, you walked on water, you..
So, it was your Son, he had to learn it from somewhere, I assumed it was from you.
Well, you parted the water for Moses to pass. You created Man, then fucked with his mind by creating Eve. You are the deity. What do you mean, you can't rig the power ball?
I understand I am not the first to request this, but it's me, God. Were old friends.
The last time I went to church? Ummm, well, let's see, I guess it was, ummm.....is that really the issue here?
Look, I have prepared my acceptance speech, would you like to hear it?
---------------------
Firstly, I would like to thank the powerball association of America for instituting this fine application of funds and retirement planning.
Secondly, The following people can kiss my big white ass.....
<reads off a long, long, long list of names>.....
In my 31 years, I have experienced a good life. Like a Dog's only with better foood and conversation. As far as food, I love cheeseburgers, so the cattle farmers of America are going to see drastic gains in their stock options. I share this you fine people because I have a good heart and this is my gift to you. Invest in red meat. And beer. Conversation is going to improve, because the quantity is going to decrease, only a select few will be allowed to converse with me and they must pass an intensive screening process, involving bra size verification and sexual intelligence quizes. Female mutes are encouraged to apply. In groups.
I have had good friends, good whiskey and good drugs. All of which are going to be drastically improved upon, beginning after this press conference. Those of you that have heard from me in the past several hours will be contacted again. Those of you that haven't; well, you figure it out. Alone.
To my employer, I will be in first thing in the morning. Don't worry. I need to pick up the Derek Jeter memorial plaque hanging above my desk. You can have the rest of my shit. Even that rare book on Asphalt design and Engineering of high stress roadways. It is my gift to you. I still expect to be compensated for my remaining vacation time. 48.6 hours to be precise. Don't fight it, I can now hire much more skilled and morally corrupt attorneys than you.
To Delroy Lindsay, you sucker punched me in the fifth grade because I said your Mom gave bad head. I will now find out for sure if that was an accurate statement, and you can expect a visit from some of my "associates" in the next few days, to settle up on that sucker punch.
To all of my ex girlfriends....... How does this taste?
I will not consider myself better than the rest of you because I am now one of the richest people in the world. I will not look down at the work you do, from 7 am to 5 pm everyday. I will still be the same Toby, I was yesterday. Now if you will excuse me, my limo driver has informed me that my private jet is ready with all the modifications I requested and my yacht has been delivered and is docked, awaiting me. I bid you all a sweet farewell. Forever, mother bitches. Forever.
-------------------------------
You will? You'll think about it?
Thanks God. I knew I liked you, even when Jesse Ventura, my childhood hero, said you didn't exist and your doctrine was a crutch for the weak minded.
I believe what you say, so I will cancel my trip to run with the bulls. Last year was fun until 2 seconds after I snapped this picture. At least you could pay me back for that little joke.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-24 06:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't believe this got so many 1's, it's one of the funniest things I've read here in ages.
how does that taste?
Ha ha ha ha
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-22 00:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like your style of writing.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-10-21 22:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny. Good shit.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-21 21:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-10-21 21:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-10-21 16:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To all of my ex girlfriends....... How does this taste?
......
I bid you all a sweet farewell. Forever, mother bitches. Forever.
Im going to use this if I ever win.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-10-21 15:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have an odd filing system, Sir.
I liked that line. I don't know why. It struck me as funny.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-21 15:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I *heart* Tobes because he makes me laugh hysterically at work thus making people think I'm crazy.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If god is gonna grant you that request, I wanna be in on it
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There was smiling going on there. +1!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a little late on the powerball.
i only matched 2.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is in honor of all of those dreams that have been dashed by some fucking punk in Oregon.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-21 14:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:44:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
started out irritating but got better.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked everything about this post. I love that picture too, even though I've seen it a bunch of times, because it looks like the bull is flying a Klansman's hood from his right horn.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Story was good but I hate that damn picture - seen it a million times already.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa! like deja vu dude!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
started out irritating but got better.
not unlike my sexual overtures to women.
except for the getting better part.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tobes, you're awesome.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OR RATHUH...TOBY.
MAH BAD...MAH BAD.
WU TANG CLAN AINT NUTHIN TUH FUCK WIT!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what higher power makes two guys submit god posts at the exact same time?
spooky.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOUS MAH NIGGA.
PRAISE BE TO DA TOBEY!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "you created man, then fucked with his mind by creating Eve."