GrUeberfest: Boo Motherfucker (680 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.77 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Inmate 867428 (View user info) at 2005-10-21 18:30:46 EDT
I didn't get caught the first time. The second time was as easy as cake too. But the god damn BMV was the first of a long line of mistakes. That's right... the Bureau of Motor fucking Vehicles. The very picture of inefficiency.
When I leveled my Glock 17 across the counter and stared the bitch in the eyes I knew the end was near. It wasn't the security guard fifty feet away, or the cameras all over the place. It was her eyes behind those horn rimmed glasses and her god damned blue hair. You know, that pale semblance of blue that adds a glint of pure fucking antiquity to elderly women's hair. I don't know how old women get their hair to turn blue, it's probably just bad die, but I pray to God that it is some terrible fucking disease that is slowly ridding the population of the most worthless portion of society... besides it will save me some time. Everyone is looking for a way to fix social security. I have come up with a simple answer... bullets.
Don't get me wrong. I don't just go around offing old people like it's my full time job. I only get the ones that deserve it. The ones that have cheated death so many times they might as well be god damn cats. I get the old woman going 35 miles per hour on the freeway that nearly causes a four car pileup when she changes lanes to catch her exit. I get the old man that grabs his waitress' ass or exposes himself to young children, or the old fucker that wanders up and down the sidewalk crossing the street wherever and whenever he pleases muttering about the Christmas tree lot. These are the people that need to fucking die first. These are the people that are a detriment to our society, and any rational people would have exterminated them or at least stopped paying for their god damn prescription medicine by now. But society couldn't do that, so I have to.
Connie, the old hag with the blue hair at the BMV was just such a case. Normally I can respect the ones that are still contributing to society, but it was time for Connie to step aside and allow some young upstart to have her job. I was there to renew my vehicle registration. I used to be sort of a lazy slob and had missed the mail-in deadline, so there I waited for close to 45 minutes watching the TV that showed nothing but vehicle safety public service announcements. When my number was finally called I was fucking thrilled. But when I got to the counter I would have thought it was her first day on the job. I swear the bitch had never seen a god damn computer before in her life. So it had to be done.
Normally I don't do it in the open like that. I plan it out like a game. I watch them come home from wandering town or causing traffic accident. I sit outside their window while they watch their fucking game shows. But this one couldn't wait. I looked down the sights on my pistol and pulled the hammer back for effect, then I gave her my signature line "Tell Satan I said 'Boo motherfucker' for me". I tightened my grip on the trigger and sent a 9mm wide chunk of metal into her forehead. Time slowed down as it crushed through her skull, severing and burning the capillaries in the skin of her forehead. By the time the burn grew around the entry wound the back of her head had already splattered against the wall behind her. Just as everyone looked to see what had happened she fell still clutching the god damned mouse from the computer she would now never learn to use. Time sped up again and I was running.
I was out of the building and in my car before the security guard even woke up, but I knew that I had better run and I had better make this one count. I took Fifth Avenue out of the BMV parking lot and headed towards the Moose Lodge. This was what I had been waiting for. I still had 16 rounds in my weapon when I pulled into the lodge parking lot. I threw open the doors to the decrepit building and without hesitation put one bullet in the head of every man sitting inside. I took a long look at their heads bleeding into their drinks as they all slouched over the bar like a bad Clint Eastwood movie. When I noticed the old fuck on the end was drinking a bloody mary I chuckled, what a pussy. Sirens wailed in the distance as I threw my head back and laughed, the guy with the bloody mary looked like my dad.
I couldn't stop chuckling as I left the lodge even though I knew it was time for my last stand. I imagined I was the star in a Jon Woo film as I took both of the MAC-10 submachine guns from my trunk, hopped in the driver's seat and headed for the country club. Nothing beats the feeling of killing a good for nothing old fucker as he gets into his Mercedes after 18 holes. Despite the intensity of all of the sirens I still couldn't see the cop cars yet, but I was certain that the fucking chopper overhead was there on my account.
I sped into the country club parking lot and gave the valet a bullet in the forehead in exchange for my ticket. The man at the podium in the front of the restaurant asked me who I was a guest of. "Mother fucking Satan, that's who" I told him to go with three bullets in the chest. I would have liked to have been a little more selective in the dining room, but given the circumstances I just wasted my magazines on whatever moved. Old men shrieked with the old women as I went from table to table, clearing out underneath of the tables, behind the tablecloths periodically, all the while shouting "tell Satan I said 'Boo motherfucker' for me". A 17 year old girl stared at me, knuckles white when I came around her table. I failed to pay attention, but she was probably saying something like "dear God, please don't shoot" it seemed to be the general sentiment of the crowd. Fucking religious zealots. As I placed the scalding hot barrel of my gun on her spine at the back of her neck I tried to reassure her "don't worry about God, Satan's gonna' fuck you to death."
I put in my final two magazines as I walked back into the parking lot. The patrol cars were piling up in the parking lot now. The god damn PA system rang out with the usual bullshit. Put down your weapons, fuck me in the ass.
I stood in front of the fourteen foot fountain in the yard of the main clubhouse, staring those bastards in the eyes. The PA kept blaring and finally I pinpointed the son of a bitch with the microphone. Just my luck, a white haired fuck. I had no problem with him being my last one.
Firing both guns in unison I riddled the old man's body with bullets, destroying the car door he was standing behind. I had a single moment to have my last laugh and look at the world. A bullet tore through my abdomen, burning as it made its course. Then a second and third went into my chest. Four and five came, and I lost count.
I fell back into the fountain pool. As my head sank to the bottom I watched the water turn from clear to scarlet, and the sun turn from a brilliant gold to a pitiful orange. Then my eyes cut through the colors to the light. I felt as though I were nearing close to the glory of God. I could taste pure goodness, and I felt as though I had done right. But then I began to fall, the taste of glory was replaced by bitter despair. I turned my head to the bottom of the pool. A red serpent with eight long, wiry black legs climbed out of the drain. With eyes like fire and nails like shards of glass it climbed up my leg, each nail of every foot digging deep into my skin and infecting my body. As it climbed I felt his presence sink into me and my blood go cold. When the serpent stared me in the eyes I could feel the heat like a solar eclipse. His tongue went to my ear and I heard him slither, I felt the cold wet in my ear, the chill of death, the seed of agony.
His voice like a snake from the fire in his soul whispered in my ear "boo motherfucker".
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Inmate867428 (user info) at 2005-10-30 19:10:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
POINTLESS.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-23 20:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The best part, by far, was the description of this guy's shooting and falling into the fountain. Excellent imagery.
Not enough creepy for me, maybe some more time spent in the brain of the wacko? I don't know. Good job, though.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-22 09:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-22 09:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I liked it a lot, this is my kind of story but I'd say the ending just didn't fit.
did you have this idea before you got the title?
1.5 as it were.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-10-22 01:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-22 01:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really dug this, but there wasn't very much of a horror element to it.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-10-22 00:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If he only kills old people, then why the seventeen year old girl?
This had good pace to it. I enjoyed it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-21 23:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-21 21:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good ending, good approach overall...just not enough creepitude.
i like your stuff, though. i'm going to read it from now on.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-21 20:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the idea -- the notion of a deluded guy offing old people on principle is interesting, and can be done to a creepy effect. However, you didn't really go that route; you kind of went in an action direction, which is okay, but not really in the spirit of the competition. There were some smaller issues as well that detracted from the story somewhat.
I liked the way you turned the "Boo, motherfucker" around on the guy. Niiiiiice touch.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shit!
I'd like to go 1.5 if I could. This was fucking GOLD until the very end. The serpent coming out of nowhere just didn't work for me. The rest was really good stuff though.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*liked* the ending...
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-10-21 18:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVED this.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-21 18:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A few things in this didn't sit right with me somehow. like the ending though, and I too suffered under the deadline for this comp.
Submitted by Inmate867428 (user info) at 2005-10-21 18:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Time... it is a mother fucker yah?