BFG Vampire The End Part 2: The Return of Waxy Wendel's Revenge (503 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.67 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus1987 (View user info) at 2005-10-22 10:19:09 EDT
"Alright you expendables," Waxy Wendel the Gay Vampire Hunter said to his room full of unemployed IT workers, "the town of Willernie is in danger. Heterosexual Baseball Cap Joe is dead, and we only have three clues; the bite marks in his neck and this Back Street Boys CD."
Whispers of alarm went through the crowd. "OMFGWTFAWGD??!" "The CD! It's the mark!" "A Queen BFGV!" "Nick Carter is soooo hot."
He let them die. "Now, we all know the rules. Number one; don't have butt sex with a BFG Vampire. Number three; if you do have butt sex with a BFG Vampire, don't tell anyone else. They'll only laugh at you. Number the next; if you're walking coolly away from a BFGV's coffee shop hideout and it blows up, what do you do?"
A flurry of suggestions flew from the crowd; "run!" "duck!" "stop, drop and roll!" "overclock your ATI Radeon 850 Pro!"
"The proper Gay Vampire Hunting Procedure, if you're walking away from an exploding building, is to continue to amble coolly in slow motion while wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette."
They all nodded appreciatively.
"The most important part about walking away, and remember this, is never to look back. Not even if flaming shit is coming at you. Only total nubes look back and say 'oh my god, I'm so on fire!' If you're wearing your regulation black leather jacket, you should recover in time. Now, are there any questions before we hand out the guns?"
As there were none, Waxy Wendel's second in command, Paul San-Diego-Charter-Bus, lined the unemployed IT workers into three neat and evenly lines and began to hand out guns, buckets of ammunition, and outdated networking equipment.
"Name?" He would ask.
"Joe Joe Macfoolia."
"Vampire Hunter name?" He would ask, marking it down on a flowery tablet he stole from a girl scout.
"Cisco Joe."
He noted it. "Here's a Colt 45, a bucket of ammunition, and an NT 5 Mail Server. Watch out, its CPU is on the fritz."
"Name." He said as the line thinned out.
"Reginald."
"Reginald what?"
"Reginald Van.... Pyre."
"Reginald Van Pyre, eh?"
"Yes. Reginald Bee...ef...gee Van Pyre. Reginald BFG Vampyre."
Paul leaned back in his chair and stroked his Baldwinish face. "And as a hunter of Gay Vampires, let's say you saw a BFG Vamire... and let's say he was as big and fat and well dressed as... well, yourself. What would you do?"
Reginald stroked his third chin thoughtfully. "I suppose I would bite him with my big, fat... hemerosexual fangs!"
"I like the cut of your jib." Paul said, "here's a glock, an m16, a backpack of c4, and a Soho firewall!"
"Thanks, sweetie!" Reginald said, kissing him on the cheek. As the next guy filed up in line, Reginald skipped back to his seat and curled up with his IPOD and an Aaron Carter tune.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-22 12:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Baldwinish...great word.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-22 11:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tabulate votes?
I don't get what that has to mean, but I guess I advance then...
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-22 10:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
there has been some funny stuff on here today.
Santa Claus almost made me piss my pants earlier
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-10-22 10:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a sequel. As such, it won't make sense unless you've read this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77237
and also this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77185
The gist in case you didn't catch on:
Waxy Wendel - Leads the unemployed IT workers in their hunt for Big Fat Gay Vampire Reginald.
Paul San Diego Charter Bus - Some dude
Big Fat Gay Vampire Reginald - A Big Fat Gay Vampire who is now, for mysterious reasons, using his vampiric charm and fashion sense to infiltrate the unemployed IT workers out to hunt him. Can turn into fog, a bat, and a mocachino.