Damn it feels good to be a white middle class anti-gangsta (2488 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: my favorite post
Rating: 1.68 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (View user info) at 2005-10-22 16:56:03 EDT
I made friends with a cop last night. I was wasted, because I drank an injudicious quantity of beers, fired up, because there was no way to turn back time to catch the last bus, and bored, because I had 4 hours to kill until the first bus would come.
This cop was standing by the entrance to the port authority, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking like a red haired New York-Irish James Dean. If he wasn't wearing blues, you would have thought he was slinging crack.
I decided to engage the cop in conversation. What follows is an actual exchange between me and Officer Patrick outside the port authority last night:
Me: It's 2:45, I have 4 hours to kill until my bus comes. What would you recommend I do?
Cop: Walk to the nearest bar, close it, then satisfy your drunk munchies at the diner. Next thing you know, it'll be 6.
Me: Sa-weet idea!
<hour and a half passes, I drink 6 more IPAs at Times Square Brewery, then run into the same cop>
Me: Hey Patrick! <we shake hands> Well, I did what you recommended, I closed the bar, but I'm not hungry. Three hours left to kill. What now?
Cop: Comeon with me, I'm gonna go break up this group of rapping thugs, it'll be hilarious.
A group of young blacks are standing in the type of circle you would frequently see on BET, heads bobbing to a slick freestyle spit by the obvious leader of the crew. The kids were dressed much like NBA players are not, but were not causing too much trouble. Other than being out far too late, on the wrong side of the tracks, they had done nothing wrong. But apparently Times Square is not the stoop up in BX, ya heard? The cop obviously had to break it up, because having too large of a minority presence in Times Square takes away tourism dollars. Or so he said.
Cop to kids: "Yo homies, I hates to be ill, but no front, you gotta BIZZounce outta here befo' sunntin bad happen to yous," complete with all of the over-exaggerated hand gestures, purposely mismatched verbs, and fake thug mannerisms best befitting any shitty member of G-Unit.
There is a moment of quiet, as if the group was collectively deciding whether to laugh or act insulted, and then the leader speaks up:
Wannabe Lloyd Bankz: Yo man, EFF YOU! We ain't done NUTHIN' wrong. We's just CHILLIN, SHIT!
Cop, keeping up his act: Show some damn respect, yo. I be an officer of the L-A-W. Yous is loitering, yo. Now you best be headin on up outta this piece like I tolds you.
WLB looks at the cop, and then looks at me. I pull both elbows back, and simultaneously rotate my hands out and push both shoulders and my head forward, to nonverbally say "WHAT nigga?!"
WLB: Man, fuck BOTH of yous. We out.
They get up and leave. As they round the corner out of sight, I turn to Patrick.
Me; Damn it feels good to be a gangsta cop.
Patrick and I break down in hysterical laughter. It was without a doubt THE funniest conversation succeeded by the hardest laughter of my life.
Me: Pat, man, that was the funniest conversation I have EVER heard, and I've never laughed so hard. That made my night, thanks.
Patrick the Fucking Sweet Cop: Yeah, that was pretty solid, I really do love this job. Alright, I'm gonna go pull over some hot broads, and ask 'em to step out of the car so I can frisk 'em. You down?
Me: <jaw drops> yes.
<Speechlessness ensues as Patrick does what he said he would>
What a country.
Then we saw a drunk kid blowing chunks into a wheelbarrow.
Rock on.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-19 16:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is one of my favorite posts.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-13 10:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i rated this back in the day. if not.... have another.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-27 19:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-11-27 19:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Abuse of police powers. Arrogance. Latent homosexuality.
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-11-27 18:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-27 18:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea man
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-02 16:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha, yo' talkin' to da ghetto peoples always be fun, G!
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good... but...
I BETTA NOT CATCH YOU EATIN NO PIE!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78202 for a brief lesson in ebonics.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-01 06:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I be an officer of the L-A-W."
nice. i call shenanigans, only because i've been to the port authority a hundred and fifteen times and those cops always walk around in pairs. Especially when it's late in that hiz-ouse.
Submitted by KillerAngel (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply because the Simpson's quote at the bottom of the page
just happened to be one about cops. What are the odds?
Submitted by resignator (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-10-24 21:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-22 18:09:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
It doesn't matter if this is totally untrue...well told.
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Shut up , faggit
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, what garbage.
You two should have lynched the thugs, 1920's chain gang style!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
me likee
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-10-24 13:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-10-24 13:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for Office Space...
Now on to read...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-24 13:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if he had to take ebonics lessons.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I fucking hate cops. Mostly because they think they are the shit, just like this post shows.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-24 09:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-24 09:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
is saying "over-exaggerated" redundant?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-24 05:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That be some good shit.
+2 yo.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-24 03:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I fucking hate cops...
...just thought i'd throw that in.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-24 02:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yo, why you tripping?
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-23 21:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, this was actually pretty damn good.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-23 14:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Racist.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-23 12:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny. Also, a +2 from Shlongy means it is tops.
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2005-10-23 12:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by gAGGLE (user info) at 2005-10-23 09:16:17 (#)
Ranking: -1
Unfunny
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FAGGOT
Submitted by gAGGLE (user info) at 2005-10-23 09:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Unfunny
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-23 08:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so completley unjustified and unjustifiable racial harrassment is funny now is it?
BUT MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-23 06:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep Yeah-ah
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-23 05:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sha Boing!
2 up mu fuckah
Ah loves teh ebonics
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-10-23 04:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If its fiction, it kicks ass!
If its true, you're my hero.
Submitted by GrayGhost (user info) at 2005-10-23 03:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why this wouldn't get anything other then a +2 is damned mystery.
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-23 02:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story :) Make a good comic short..
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-10-23 01:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking kickass.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-23 00:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Middle class.
Not middle age.
Stupid Saturday night beers getting in the way of my reading comprehension.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-23 00:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A real gangsta ass white middle age nigga don't talk shit...
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-22 23:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweeeeeet! +infinity for drunk kid puking.
Submitted by ab363 (user info) at 2005-10-22 22:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
but they AIN'T DONE NUTHIN' WRONG, man. Whys you gotsta be so WHACK, yo? Shit.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-10-22 22:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want to spoil your perfect rating.
I don't like cops. They might be nice people, but they're indecent on principle.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-22 21:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-10-22 21:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-22 20:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SOP in Oakland on BART
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-22 20:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2005-10-22 19:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i took that picture and get no credit.
shame on you.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2005-10-22 19:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHfart
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2005-10-22 19:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-10-22 18:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROCKIN'
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-22 18:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2005-10-22 18:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-10-22 18:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-22 18:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It doesn't matter if this is totally untrue...well told.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-22 17:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Extra cool if true.
Good story if not. :)
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-10-22 17:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
unfair!