Evil Fire-Wielding Stripper (647 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.5 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jollydodger (View user info) at 2005-10-24 10:04:46 EDT
Back in the day, when I was just out of school, say 18 or 19, we used to go to this club called the White Horse Inn. On Wednesday nights was stripper night.
Anyway, I arrive early to grab myself a good seat, right in the front row. I was seated next to a drunk guy who insisted on making inane conversation with me about the price of beer and inconsistencies in Steven Hawking's theories of quantum space. Dumb fuck.
Anyway, out comes the stripper. And the place erupts with hoots and yells and whistles. Now remember, I'm nineteen and the internet hasn't been invented yet. Nowadays kids get desensitised to nudity right around the age of four. By the age of ten the image of three girls fucking a horse while a man pours scalding hot syrup on his testicles in the background, is pretty passe. But back then, the site of one unguarded nipple could send a crowd of kids into a frenzy of sexual excitement.
Fast-forward. The stripper does her thing and gets naked. Yay. Then she pours baby oil all over herself. Double-yay. And then she pulls out two fire-sticks. They looked like sausages on sticks. Drenched in napalm, presumably. Anyway, she looks around the crowd for someone to give her a light and, since I was smoking, she picks on me. Leaning forward, she offers one of her firesticks up for me to do the honours, which I do. But while she's leaning in, the drunk guy next to me takes the opportunity to say something to her. I didn't hear what he said, but I think we can safely say they he didn't want to exchange recipes.
Suddenly the stripper gets an evil glint in her eye. In one fluid movement, she taps the drunk guy on the head with her blazing firestick. And his head went up like a roman candle. My eyes widened in horror watching this guy's hair engulfed in flame and the worst part was that he was too drunk to notice.
The only thing I could do was to repeatedly smack his head as hard as I could over and over. Drunk guy, of course, can't understand the cause of this vicious unprovoked attack and is about to retaliate when I finally bring the blaze under control enough to start to explain myself.
I got as far as "dude your hair was on fi..." before the stripper taps the guy's head again and again flames leap up about a foot off the top of his head...and once again I'm forced to start beating his skull mercilessly.
The next thing I know I'm being chased around a nightclub by the human torch. Him swinging wildly. Me slapping at the top of his head.
Strippers. Don't trust em.
User Reviews
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-10-24 23:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:46:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
Please tell me there's a sequel involving flaming ping pong balls shot from out her talented love box.
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I would pay to see that
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:46:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
Please tell me there's a sequel involving flaming ping pong balls shot from out her talented love box.
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I've seen that happen, in Tijuana
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-24 13:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GrayGhost (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good idea. We could call it...wait for it... (drum roll)... Fire in the Hole.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Please tell me there's a sequel involving flaming ping pong balls shot from out her talented love box.
Submitted by str8_razr (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was just waiting for the stripper topic to appear and it didn't take long. Yeah, I know, we are all desensitized to nudity, but did you know how hard it is to narrow down the search in eBay? This is the longest search string eBay allows otherwise it would be longer. Cut and paste this into the search window:
stripper -wire -cable -platform -shoe -thong -camisole -bustier -optical -boots -magic -coaxial -sign -shirt -clips -crimper -shoes -decal -cutter -floor -paint -carpet -sandals -pole -balsa -buckle -emulsion -hanger -chicken -coax -UF -lot -sandal -thorn -video -choker -mugs -fish -hypnosis
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was talking about the rapper..."Too Short"
Duh
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Woah. Too short, too short, too short. That's a first. Thanks for the advice. Next one will be longer. Freaks.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Too short
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Look forward to seeing more of your stuff.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
blah
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Way too short. I couldn't even get to half-mast before the story was completely over. Blue baller!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The story could use some work, Imagine you were standing around with a bunch of friends telling the story, now that is how you should type it.
Not that we're friends or anything but you get the idea.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strippers, fire, humour. Yes, you'll do well here.
Welcome to Uber.