Just Another Tequila Sunrise (1311 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.87 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by _Q_ (View user info) at 2005-10-24 12:18:40 EDT
So last night I was at a sports pub with my girlfriend and my cousin to watch the Flames game and celebrate the news that she recently got a bunch of scholarship money. It was pretty sweet as the beer was plentiful and the nachos were warm, salty and loaded with jalapenos. As a side note, the bar we were at was some wicked hand-made salsa... fresh chopped tomato, onion and garlic... MMMMM! Alas, a discussion of the merits of nachos and their salsa is worthwhile, it is not what I intend to tell you about today.
During the middle of the first intermission there was a lull in the crowd's excitement. Drinks were getting refreshed and people were generally anxious since the team was down 2-0. That's when a cardboard coaster went whizzing by my head, careening in the air like a poorly thrown Frisbee, narrowly missed my girlfriend's face by half an inch and landed on the floor.
Being half drunk and depressed that the Flames were losing so bad so soon, I barely noticed. However, my girlfriend took exception to this gesture and took to remedy it.
She picked up the coaster, walked over to the two late-twenty/early-thirty somethings that were giggling away like pre-schoolers and threw it back on their table. As she was walking back they threw it again, and went back laughing like it was the most hilarious thing they've ever seen.
It missed her by a mile but it made something inside of me snap. So I went to the coaster, picked it up and walked back to the table. Both of the morons were still laughing so I just looked at the guy who threw it and said "What are you five years old? Quit throwing shit around", and flicked the coaster so it hit him in the chest.
I wasn't looking for a fight, I just wanted them to cut it out so we didn't have shit flying all over the bar for the rest of the game.
So as he was scrambling to pick up the coaster for some reason he said, "We're not hitting anyone!"
So I turned back and replied "I don't care. You might. So relax."
Not liking to be told what to do by someone who is obviously younger than them the guy says "You relax!!"
As I said, I didn't want a fight and I wasn't about to get into a "NUH-UH! YOU ARE!" screaming bout that was only sure to escalate into a pushing match, so I ignored his idiotic ass and walked away.
Things were going fine, the team came back in the second and tied it up 2-2, so everyone was feeling pretty good again. The two amigos were busy hitting on barely legal fat chicks and we were getting a good chuckle out of their lame attempts to pick up.
During the second intermission, both of the guys went to the bathroom and had to walk past our table to do so. I guess the second guy pretended to elbow the back of my head or something because my girlfriend almost lost it.
The fact that this guy was 30 and was STILL acting like a 12 year old boy even after I went and gave them a talking to pushed me over the edge. But as Sun Tzu once said:
To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the height of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the height of skill.
I had to teach this guy a lesson without raising the old dukes, and I knew exactly how to do it. Fight fire with fire, as they say.
I told my girlfriend to calm down and order another beer for herself and a round of tequila shots plus one for the table, as I grabbed my own near-empty pint glass and went off to the bathroom.
At this point you can probably see what's coming so I'm not going to hide it... and I am not going to be proud of it...
Yes. I went into a stall, dumped the beer, and started taking a piss. Near the end of the session I re-directed the stream into the empty glass and leveled it off to make it look like I hadn't taken a sip. With my arsenal at my fingertips, I returned to my seat.
The tequilas were ass, as to be expected, but we drank them down anyways, toasting to what was sure to be a great third period. I took two of the empty shot glasses and poured the tequila from the fourth glass equally into both. I then leveled them off with my Made in Canada brew.
My tablemates were obviously confused, so I just grabbed the glasses and told them to "watch this".
I walked my way over to the two idiots with a smile on my face and the glasses in my hand, careful not to spill any of the vile fluid on my hands. My heart was pounding because I couldn't believe what I was about to do.
"Here guys, I didn't mean to be a prick about that coaster thing earlier, so here are a couple of tequilas for you. We don't need any bad vibes floating around for the third, right?"
I set the drinks down and they looked like a couple of heroin addicts begging for change and I just gave them a five dollar bill. They grabbed the glasses and downed the shots without hesitation. Both of them did that inhale-like-it-burns thing and pounded their chests like they were the kings of the jungle. I was holding back a combination of puke and laughter as the one guy said, "This tasted kinda weird... like it had orange juice in it."
I just told him that it was this new brand that Dan Akroyd was in town promoting a little while ago and he bought it, saying that "It was pretty good now that I think about it."
My girlfriend was pissed that I gave them our booze, but I said it was worth it to make peace. We finished watching the end of the game and the good guys won on a powerplay goal in the dying seconds of the third.
On my way out I took a napkin with a note to our waitress and asked her to give it to the same guys I gave the shots to. It read:
Stupid fuckers.
You drank my piss.
Have a good night.
As we were pulling out of the parking lot I told my cousin and girlfriend about what I was pouring into their shots and nearly lost it.
You see, if I had told them about the piss it would have been obvious that something was up.
Sun Tzu would be proud.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-16 14:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you just get it over with, give him a call, and BLOW HIM, Sideshow?
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-08-16 14:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q, I've forgotten your crazy antics...I was just rewatching the Mech movie from Engg Week 2003, where you are telling all of us to stay hydrated and drink our "water" every time we see the wild beast of a man, Omar. Hilarious. You crack me up.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-08 02:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-08 02:08:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
this is still funny, a year later.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Checks date*
*checks date on post*
the fuck?
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-08 02:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is still funny, a year later.
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-12-08 01:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-10 20:38:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77638#1673792
:-)
--
Colour me impressed!
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-11-11 17:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FUCKING AWESOME
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-11 09:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On an another note: the Habs are kicking the NHL's ass. Just thought you'd like to know :-)
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-11-10 21:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha! You put your foot in your mouth as often as I do.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-10 20:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-10 20:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77638#1673792
:-)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 16:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/64977#1674627
Your girlfriend?
Submitted by CapitalA (user info) at 2005-10-27 08:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mildly amusing
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-25 20:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The end of the note should have said:
"ps. I have herpes"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-24 21:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:34:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate it when middle aged fuckers like that act like a couple of retards at bars.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Late twenties/early thirties = middle-aged? I must be dead. . .
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh yes, bar revenge!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50967
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ewwwww
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and the nachos were warm, salty and loaded with jalapenos
----
HAR HAR YOU SAID PENOS
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Flames!
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah nachos!!
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know.....I ran into someone this weekend that I may have to try this out on.......
thanks for the idea!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Q, you are a man of many ideas, and I don't know how you manage to pull them all off. You've got some balls.
Submitted by Cam (user info) at 2005-10-24 14:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they deserved every drop :)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-24 14:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post is great...HEAT!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-24 13:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lloyd: "nah, they caught up with him a few miles down the road and slit his throat!"
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-24 13:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's how you do it.
that's how you avoid bar fights.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-24 13:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf I cant read!
Submitted by Choppa (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful work.
i work in a bar and so vigilantes are always welcome.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got you confused with that 'balls deep behind enemy lines' series auther.
Sorry. Its a good post by the way that expertly covers well trodden ground.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:43:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you where a chick, an English chick at that.
Wackyness.
--
HAHA! WTF?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you where a chick, an English chick at that.
Wackyness.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a sous-verre...thanks :-)
I hope you don't see these two guys again. You could suffer reprisal.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:34:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
umm...what's a coaster? A "sous-verre"?
---
It is something that you set your drink on so the table doesn't get wet.
It's usually a little cardboard thing.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate it when middle aged fuckers like that act like a couple of retards at bars.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
umm...what's a coaster? A "sous-verre"?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Supa numBa one...
Jesus. Forget it.
Another +2 because vengeance is so sugary sweet sometimes.
But sometimes it smells like asparagus.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You supa numa one ninja.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
agreed. high fives are in order.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!
Have you checked their papers? They were probably american tourists or Ontarian, they all act like this.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-24 12:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats the way to do it.
*high fives all around*