What's Karma? I Don't Know, It's Something Carson Daly Came Up With (587 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.5 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ebbynezer (View user info) at 2005-10-24 15:26:14 EDT
For the men in the audience, you've been there before:
You're 3 fourths of the way through a 32 oz, 125+ proof, Blow Torch*, with 4 shots of Jaeger flowing through your veins...makes a man feel downright dandy. The hot bartender, who you know is not ever going to let you see, much less touch, her near perfect breasts, is flirting back, and not in the way she flirts with her other customers in an effort for better tips.
In short, you've got it and its going on.
You discuss her recent trip to Vegas and in the discussion, she invites you to go with her over spring break.
Your two asshole roommates, who are assholes by default, which you love them for, are on either side of you, drinking the Thursday night away, trying to relive just a little bit of that freedom they used to enjoy in college, when a Thursday night was THE night to go out and get completely forschnickened.
The bartender you are working on, mind you, is no average hot bartender, she's a confirmed virgin who plans on staying that way. You have altered your game to fit such a situation. Its alot like a long term investment: you throw your little bit of cash in at the ground floor, hoping to find that next Microsoft and maybe in a few months or years, she will let you find out if your lactose intolerancy includes her breast milk.
She may not be innocent, but at the same time, you wont be catching the early flight home from San Diego and have a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team her, either.
And that's when the other hot bartender, your friend for many a year, who, which you are about to find out, knows way too much about you to be trusted when she's had a few shots at closing after a hard nights work getting her ass stared at, throws a mean block aimed directly at your cock:
"Ebby, remember that time when you and Ellison tag-teamed Sander's girlfriend while he watched? Well she.."
Drinks are spit out, heads turn. I am searching for my jaw on the floor, stalling and trying to figure out what to say.
Good thing my friends had my back.
Chad: "Is she the same one ya'll finger cuffed at the pool party?"
Kyle: "No, that was Allison. She's talking about Jade. Just Jade."
I hesitantly turned on my bar stool to face the confirmed virgin.
Both equally shocked, we stared at each other. Both speechless.
Not knowing what to say, I attempt to offer an explanation:
"You don't understand. I was in college and she was really, really hot and her boyfriend was TOTALLY cool with it...."
(Note to self: In future situations, try and remember what happened that time when you poured gasoline on that fire in the ally. It's like a metaphor, and shit)
Another buddy of mine, also eager to help a friend in need, saved me.
"Dude, you're telling me you and Ellison have had multiple tag teams together? That's kinda gay..."
At which point the entire bar is laughing their ass off, including myself, as I didn't know what else to do. Even at my own expense, I always appreciate a good burn.
Well almost everyone was laughing....
I called her earlier today...
"Hey Confirmed Virgin:
"Its Ebby"
"I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable..? "
Damn it.
*A blow torch goes by many names in many a different places. It contains Everclear, 151, blue cuaraca (?), some other liquor and a lot of sweet and sour.
"It'll get you drunk" - Samuel Jackson
User Reviews
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, I raised a smirk reading this.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she did it because she saw the opportunity...brilliant move on her part...it was a quality burn..
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fine,
i took quotes from My Name Is Earl, Old School, Chasing Amy, Chapelle's show and probably something else...
wankers (Trainspotting)
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You could at least credit that shitty TV show you stole the title from.
Submitted by Dumb_Name (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cock blockers are bitches. Why would she do that?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked "Old School" too
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as long as you don't suck his cock, you're not ghey