Bad Idea: Abducting Co-workers' Popcorn (1432 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.91 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (View user info) at 2005-10-24 16:32:30 EDT
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I worked for a different engineering company. Well, actually it was only a few months ago...but the drive was forty miles farther than the one that I have now.
Anyway, at my old job, the office was configured like a figure-8, with the kitchen/breakroom in the center of the 8. My old office used to be two down from the breakroom. Enough with the layout of the place, you get the picture.
Every day at 11:30-ish, right before lunch, when everybody is considering gnawing on their shoes for sustenance, one person would absolutely HAVE to microwave a bag of popcorn.
It was so bad that you would trip over people's tongues hanging out from the smell of buttery goodness on the way to the fax machine.
Of course, the culprit was Dave. (I wrote about him before, here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/66106 .) Dave had no clue that he had three quarters of the office wanting to take a chainsaw to his face.
Finally, after weeks of his torture, my coworker Ed and I crafted a plan: we were going to take his popcorn from the microwave as soon as he turns his back, and ransom it.
Since my office was a convenient staging point to the operation, the ransom letter was printed out on my crappy little inkjet printer. It was something stupid like "You will never see your popcorn alive again, unless you leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a brown bag in the second stall of the men's room."
Sheer genius.
Around 11:30, Ed and I swung our plan into action. Ed stood in the doorway of my office as a lookout, waiting for Dave. A few minutes of chit-chat went by before Dave made his way to the break room. Ed waved to me to signify "it's on".
We heard the microwave open, some cellophane rattle, and the buttons on the microwave beep. The microwave started up, and Dave walked down the hall towards the men's room with a newspaper tucked under his arm.
We sprung into action.
The microwave was paused. The popcorn was taken. The ransom note was laft in its place.
I turned the microwave back on for it's remaining two minutes, to make it all seem as inconspicuous as possible.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash - the paper in the microwave ignited within five seconds of starting it back up.
"Shit!" I whispered loudly to Ed, as I dashed back to the microwave. In two second's time, I had the door open, the burning paper in my hands, and into a sink.
Thge break room reeked of burnt eight-and-a-half-by-eleven recycled bond paper.
"Abort mission!" I whispered, as I threw the wet remains of the ransom note into the garbage. Ed put Dave's popcorn back into the microwave like nothing had happened.
"How do you work this thing?" Ed asked worriedly, as he was pushing random buttons on the face of the microwave.
Not being entirely sure, I pushed "2". The display read "2". Piece of cake.
"Watch out." I whispered to Ed, as I pushed around him to the microwave.
"2"
"0"
"0"
"START"
The microwave lit up and hummed to life.
"Now, let's get out of here." I said.
About ten minutes later, Paul the Penguin scrambles past my desk with a fire extinguisher, and was about to pull the fire alarm. Paul was short, and reminded everyone of The Penguin from the old Batman series, so the name stuck with him.
"What's going on?" I yelled after him.
That's when I noticed the breakroom engulfed in a sweet smelling smoke.
"Some idiot put a bag of popcorn in the microwave for twenty-two minutes." Paul the Penguin squawked.
"That sucks. Don't pull the alarm." I said, as I did an about face, and walked briskly to Ed's office.
"Let's go to lunch. Now!" I announced, interrupting his phone call.
Ed hung up, and we made our way to the back employee entrance, passing Dave coming out of the men's room, or as we used to call it, the media lounge. Dave had no clue what was going on.
We then went to lunch.
Dave caught shit from Paul the Penguin over the popcorn, and he never made any again.
The office stunk like burnt popcorn for three weeks afterward.
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-04 11:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is some department here somewhere that is not allowed to use the microwave for popcorn since they had several incidents of burning it. Something about the fact that the people running a major corporation not being responsible enough to handle popcorn makes me fear for my 401(k).
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-09 07:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-09 11:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was brilliant, but you were going to get an Auto +2 for the CCR reference here:
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-09 11:44:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
One time, I was in a restaurant and this guy fell over clutching his chest. I ran over to him and administered CCR. The healing powers of "Bad Moon Risin" are unequaled.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:04:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
The first post sounds like a Caulaincourt original masterpiece, n'est pas?
===
WTF?! Explain yourself young man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-25 20:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I prefer the smell to the taste of popcorn. Unless it's so buttery
that it's mushy.
mmmm...
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stealing popcorn for random... Genius.
I would want to know what would happen next..... if they succeeded with the plan.....
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-24 23:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loL!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-10-24 22:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-24 22:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pop
pop
pop that thing
i'ma show you how to make your man say "oh"
dip it low...
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-10-24 22:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You never cease to amaze me
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-24 18:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing like office hijinx.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-24 18:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
office hijinx
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-10-24 18:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could you all not just buy pop-corn
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, that seems about right.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A coworker was popping corn in the 'wave, and when he opened the bag a kernel went off and shot him in the eye. He was off work for two days and when he came back he lobbied the boss to remove the microwave for afety reasons. We left popcorn and rude pix involving corncobs on his desk all the time after that. Fag.
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah, I used to work with a guy like that. Except even worse, he'd make popcorn and then forget it in the microwave. He learned his lesson after I kept emptying the bag, glueing it shut again, and putting it back in the microwave.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What mill is that in the story about Dave?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Use brute force if necessary.
Just this morning I wrested an entire bag of "oyster crackers" from one of our sales chicks and pretty much ate the entire contents.
Of course I now feel like shit, but the conquest alone was worth it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Our kitchen burnt down when I was 9 due to a faulty air popper- the first time I was allowed to make it on my own. The smell of burnt popcorn still invokes panic in me. And the buttery smell makes us hungry in the office regardless of whether we've already eaten. So popcorn in the office is a scourge that should be eliminated. Unless it's mine.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-24 17:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A co-worker of mine told a story last week about how he remembers when the office first got a microwave back in the day. He had no idea how long to work the controls, or how long to cook the food for, so he decided, in his wisdom, that 48 minutes would be a good amount of time.
48 minutes on the highest setting.
Said the place smelled like eggs and Burnt Everything for the longest time...
Burnt popcorn's a bitch of a smell to get rid of.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:45:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
The smell of burnt popcorn pushes me over the edge. I get migranes and want to figght whoever burned the fucking popcorn. It's simple, 4 fucking minutes, not 6 or 23. That smell lingers for days. I'm pissed off now.
It doesn't help that I'm quitting smoking this week either.
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+2 for you
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I quit smoking 2 months ago. Nicotine gum saved me from going on murderous rampages.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The smell of burnt popcorn pushes me over the edge. I get migranes and want to figght whoever burned the fucking popcorn. It's simple, 4 fucking minutes, not 6 or 23. That smell lingers for days. I'm pissed off now.
It doesn't help that I'm quitting smoking this week either.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I looked at the title really fast, and saw "Porn"...not popcorn.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I keep a box of microwave popcorn in my desk. So does one of the other guys. We take turns making everyone insane.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-24 16:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Proofread is apparently not in my vocabulary.