Just A Few Tabs (686 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.33 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2005-10-24 21:24:28 EDT
"Is this sick or what? I can't believe this house, it's huge. Let's go around back, I think that's where the kegs are."
No.
"Come on, just follow me. Don't give me any shit. I didn't come all the way out here to be sober all night."
Alright, fine.
"Look at this. It's packed back here. Be a pal and go grab us a couple of cups, ok? I'll be by the kegs."
Where? Where will you be? Where'd you go?
"There you are. What the hell took so long? I said I'd be by the kegs. Anyway, drink up. I don't have work till two tomorrow, I'm going all out tonight! Drink up man, drink."
Is that Jamie over there?
"Holy shit, it is! That girl is ridiculous; I can't stop thinking about her. Look at that ass! You think I should go talk to her?"
I'm starting to get a headache. It's too hot back here.
"Don't be a pussy. Lemme pound one more beer, and then I'm heading over there. This bitch is gonna be mine tonight!"
No, don't be an ass. Just leave her alone. Don't, man. Don't...
"Jamie, this is my friend. You probably recognize him from school. You don't? Haha, I'm not surprised! Hey, do you wanna head upstairs with me?"
She's way too drunk man, just stop.
"Dude, shut the fuck up. What? Nothing, he didn't say anything. Let's head inside."
Come on. No.
"Yeah, that's right. Sit right there. You want another drink? Yo, go get her another drink."
I said no, she's drunk enough already.
"Son of a bitch! Go get a damn beer now! Nah, its ok, he just has bad hearing. I have to yell at him to do shit for me. You just lay back and relax, sweetheart. I'll show you a good time."
I can't believe this.
"Mmm, look babe, here's some more beer. Use this to get the taste out of your mouth."
What taste?
"Nothing, I just gave her something to relax. She's fine, look."
Her eyes are unfocused. What did you give her?
"Just a few tabs, she's fine. Can you get out now? We need to have a little talk."
Don't touch her like that, I'm serious. Leave her alone.
"Would you please shut the hell up? Just get out, this won't take long. She won't remember anything."
She's shaking. Holy shit, she's shaking.
"What the hell? Shit, what the fuck is going on?"
Shit.
"Go get someone! Go get someone now! Holy shit! Wake up, wake up! Shit, she's getting cold!"
Oh my God.
"Someone call an ambulance! Fuck! I can't feel a pulse!"
It's too late...
User Reviews
Submitted by Recalcitrant (user info) at 2005-10-25 03:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really did like this, up until the tabs. Then it just didn't really make sense.
Loved this:
"Nah, its ok, he just has bad hearing."
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-24 22:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Shit, she's getting cold!"
While the human body after death does immediately begin to lose temperature, it's usually a very slow process unless the corpse is in cold outside conditions. If she had just died from overdose, her clothed body would remain warm for quite awhile...
hmmm...nice warm body...who says the date has end...OH GOD WHAT AM I SAYING?
Anyways..my constructive criticism is: you have a good sense of dialogue, try developing more original frameworks around 'em.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-10-24 22:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Terribly cliche'
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-10-24 21:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
boring, protracted since this either should have been twice as long or two sentences.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-10-24 21:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
interesting, but needs physical markers...
i'm not fond of talking heads.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-10-24 21:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"that was a good drum break"