It's difficult having sex with a Turkey if you cant keep in step. (1309 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.82 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-10-25 00:10:54 EDT
"I've heard you are a good cook" Miriam exclaimed sipping from her cup. We were sitting in a coffee shop having post movie coffee, this was our second date. "Well I haven't poisoned anybody yet," I answered with. Smiling she said "well for our next date how about you cook for me". "Ok" I agreed "ill get a couple of movies for us as well".
Miriam was quite pretty and obviously an educated and worldly woman. We were introduced by a mutual friend and hit it off almost immediately. After our first date I had decided not to get too excited about a promising romance because I had doubt that our relationship would progress. There was an obvious physical attraction there but we moved in different worlds when it came to reality.
Wandering now around the supermarket looking for culinary inspiration I pushed my negative thoughts aside to concentrate on finding something to cook for her tonight. I did cook a mean chilli beans but what if the night turned into a sexual romp. We had only kissed at this stage, but after a fine meal and some wine she might not be able to control herself and throw herself at me, I thought giggling to myself.
First time sex with a bellyful of chilli beans and red wine might not be a good idea. One or both of us might accidentally let go an embarrassing fart during vigorous relations and well, that just wouldn't conform to the elegant evening of romance I had in mind.
A salad and cold meat would be the safest option I thought as I headed for the produce section. Moving around the vegetables it occurred to me that I should do something that required some effort, to show her I really cared about making the night special. But what the fuck would I cook?
Leaving the fresh vegetables I moved around the meat section looking for inspiration. "Buy a turkey and get a chicken free" was announced over the loud speaker. This got my attention. I didn't have time to cook a turkey but I could freeze that for Christmas and bake a glazed honey and lemon chicken with a sweet sultana and cashew stuffing. I had a great recipe for that dish at home.
Paying for my purchases and feeling quite pleased with my choice for dinner tonight I chose two bottles of wine and headed home in anticipation. Preparing the chicken took longer then I thought and after making the salad I found I was running out of time. I still hadn't prepared the turkey for freezing so I put it on a plate in the fridge reminding myself I had better get it into the freezer before Miriam got here.
I lit the gas oven and slipped the chicken lovingly into the heated stove and cleaned up the mess I had made. Rummaging through the cupboard I found my expensive table cloth and some candles. I set the table with my finest silver and washed two crystal wine glasses then spent fifteen minutes moving things around the table until I felt I had it right.
Heading down the hall I started undressing while doing a checklist in my head. Standing naked in front of the mirror I made a mental note to shave after my shower and realised I hadn't bought a towel in with me so I skipped naked up my hall toward the laundry and passing the kitchen I sensed something odd.
The chicken had been baking for over an hour and there was no smell of delicious baked chicken wafting through the house. Peering through the glass stove window I realised the damn flame had gone out and without thinking; I grabbed the stove lighter as I pulled the door open.
I realise this was a stupid thing to do and you would have thought the strong smell of gas should have alerted me to the stupidity of the act I was about to perform. My only excuse is that I was excited and my common sense was clouded by my excitement.
The explosion was loud and instant. I didn't even have time to consider what had just happened as I crashed heavily into the fridge on the other side of the room. A searing pain emanated from my arm and a gurgled scream issued from my lips as my body thumped to the floor. In the split second I hit the floor the fridge door swung open and slammed into my head making my mind spin.
Passing into semi consciousness I felt something drop heavily onto my hips and my hands instinctively went to that area and held something cold and wet that now sat with considerable weight on my groin.
I'm not sure how long I was unconscious but dreamily I heard a soft female voice calling my name from afar. Coming too a little, I realised the voice came from the other side of the kitchen wall and was getting closer calling my name.
"Saxon are you there" a female voice said quite close now. Turning my head toward the kitchen door I saw Miriam's face appear and I watched in fascination as her facial demeanour turned to one of shock then to disgust. Expecting her to fall to her knees to help me I gurgled an "I had an accident".
"That's disgusting" she spat. I was quite taken aback by this outburst then she screamed, "Do you always have sex with the food you prepare for your guests?" just before she stomped out of my house.
I lay there in agony and confusion listening to her car drive away and lifted my head to survey the damage and realised I was laying naked on the kitchen floor with a plump turkey sitting on my groin.
User Reviews
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-25 19:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's kinda hot.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 19:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendid, just like the rest of your work.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work. I hope that was only a sick and demented dream, not reality.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold as always.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this usually how you spend your evenings?
If so, I'm having second thoughts about the upcoming ubercon.
Good story. Great pic.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:02:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahaha Ok Ozzy you got me there i did stretch this one a little bit for the sake of a giggle but the oven part is true i really did do that shit. I swear dont play with gas after drinking lots of red wine.
Fabit i wish i could afford to have you guys here im sure that would be a hoot but with that said you might have to entertain me sometime next year because i am thinking id love to come party with you bloody hooligans. That of course depends on a certain blond gal that plays with forensics because well............Bugga off thats none of your bloody bussiness hehehehehehe.
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Are you going to do sex with Bonnie?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahaha Ok Ozzy you got me there i did stretch this one a little bit for the sake of a giggle but the oven part is true i really did do that shit. I swear dont play with gas after drinking lots of red wine.
Fabit i wish i could afford to have you guys here im sure that would be a hoot but with that said you might have to entertain me sometime next year because i am thinking id love to come party with you bloody hooligans. That of course depends on a certain blond gal that plays with forensics because well............Bugga off thats none of your bloody bussiness hehehehehehe.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2005-10-25 05:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MIRIAM IS A MAAAAAAAN
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-25 04:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sheila take a bow
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 04:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for being a good story.
-1 because you took it just slightly too far to be believable.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-25 03:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome yet again Mr Saxon. I think i'm going to goback over and check your old posts!
By the way, i've been checking my mail every day and I haven't seen two tickets for me and Mr Berty to travel to Queensland for a beer??
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-10-25 03:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Someone asked if this really happend.
If this woman is as intellectual as Saxon said she is she definately wouldn't jump to such a ludicrous conclusion. Unless Saxon thinks a woman with the IQ of 80 is intellectual, but I never thought of him as a sexist.
On the other hand; I am a sexist and no slut deserves my cock if she doesn't like a nice turkey gravy glaze on it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 02:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um... I didn't really like it very much. I mean I think this sort of happeneed in an episode of friends and well, who in the hell spontaneously buys a turkey for Christmas? Who has that much freezer space?
Anyway I just didn't think it was very funny. Sorry your Saxonness.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-25 02:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope that didnt really happen
Submitted by Faidel (user info) at 2005-10-25 01:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a great story. Comedic concept
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-25 01:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Not to laugh at your painful accident but....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Geeze Sweetie, the messes you get yourself into!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Its a rock Python fishing his dinner out of the water. Dont think he will have sex with it before eating it though.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah. What the FUCK is that picture, other than a kangaroo?
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
=2 for the title. Its so true
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm...unprepared meat sitting on your dangle.
Wrap it up next time, because God knows what you could catch from that bird.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAH FUCK YES.
You seem to spend a lot of time at the supermarket.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-10-25 00:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...Then what??? Did you and the turkey sit down to dinner? Sometimes love just shows up on your lap.