Bar Brawls (537 hits)
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Submitted by ghey (View user info) at 2005-10-25 02:11:34 EDT
I hate bars, I really truely do. So when I find myself in one I always feel uneasy, uncmfortable. I take shots, shoot pool, drink chasers, bet money and sing karaoke, but always while on my full guard ready for some drunk indian or hick to start some shit with me.
And so ended my last exprirence at our fine public house.
I was shooting some 8 ball with a workmate of mine, getting my ass kicked and razzed at the same time. I don't mind getting my ass kicked, but a bunch of drunk redskins laughing at you while it happens is just a little too much. Shoot, bounce bounce bounce roll, roll, stop. The white background eight stares at me tauntingly. My workmate slams it into the corner pocket and gives himself a grunt of satisfaction. Damn. "Hahahaha! You couldn't shoot worse if you were fucking a porcupine!". Ha ha ha, my people used to shoot your people for sport, featherhead.
So one day, I've got my bills on the table and I'm deep into a game, my workmate kicking my ass while I pretend the laws of physics are somehow warped at this singularity in space time that is my pool table. Then *HE* walks in. He being the ex-husband of another workmate of mine who is now the bound cocubine of the workmate currently kicking my ass in billiards.
Instantly the tension thickens as their eyes meet, and he grabs a pool stick as he walks towards us. I don't know about you sober folks but to me that signifies either one of two things: he's either challenging one of us to a game of pool, or he wants to kick one of our asses. Considering the situation with the one's ex and the other's lover, I find the latter scenario more likely. I chalk up my stick.
"You took my woman and I'm going to kill you for it." Very matter-of-fact like, almost as if he was
speaking at a funeral.
"She chose to be with me AFTER she broke up with you. You're violating your restraining order by being here, you know."
"That's only if she's around. It's only you and me, cocksucker." Cocksucker, what an original insult.
A few more insults get passed, and I'm stuck here watching them go at it, each one waiting for the other to get more pissed off then themselves and make the first move. I've got $30 on this game, so I decide to help them out a little.
"Stop it, both of you. Cod, Catrice _chose_ to be with you, right?" We called him Cod because he didn't quite fit the title of 'flounder'.
"er, yeah...?"
"And Scott, Catrice _chose_ to get a divorce, right?"
"ONLY BECAUSE OF THAT BASTARD!"
"That's debatable. Why don't we call Catrice and ask her? You can even talk to her first."
"BECAUSE THAT BASTARD HAS HER BRAINWASHED, SHE WON'T ACCEPT ME AGAIN UNLESS HE'S DEAD, AND I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS!"
"Alright, then give me the cue stick and have at it."
"What?"
"What?"
"I mean it, both of you, give me your cue sticks and may the best man win."
Oh the look on both of their faces was priceless. It was like everyone on ubersite unanimously agreeing to give a +2 to the very next shit post. Scott hands me his cue stick, Cod stares at me dumbly. Scott lunges, and Cod quickly diverts his attention to the 210 pounds of man flesh heading towards his chest. Cod makes use of his pool stick, but Scott intercepts and takes control of it.
"STOP! Scott, give me the pole, then you can continue."
"NO, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL THAT BASTARD!"
Oh how I hoped he was going to say that. I grab another cue stick off the wall, and coupled with the one I'm holding I pull some ninja shit (kinda) where I use both the sticks in my posession like chopsticks and send his only stick flying off towards the bar. Recovering quickly, he grabs his car keys out of his pocket and lunges for Cod; I wonder 'wtf?' for a second before I realize he's gonna try to saw open Cod's jugular with a dull key. I take one stick and break it in half.
Now, I don't know how many people here play pool, but it doesn't take much to break a cue stick in half. In fact, I hurt my arm by banging it on the side of the table after it impacted with such force -- I expected the resistance of the stick prior to breaking to stop my impact. A bloody knuckle later, I maneuver myself behind Scott who's lunging towards Cod with his car keys in hand as if it were a machete. Poor cod is backing off from each lunge as if it actually were a machete.
I gotta take a moment and admire Scott's audacity. Here was a poor pathetic looser whose wife took her kids and moved in with her boss because her hubby didn't have a job nor a sense of right and wrong. He gets thrown in jail for repeatedly going to Cod's place and harassing them, serves time, gets released and does it again. Now he's on work release, and instead of showing up at Cod's place (where there's a restraing order against him), he shows up at the only other place he knows Cod will be and where there's no restraining order, and he's engaged in a fight with Cod using car keys instead of a knife. I feel for Cod, hell, he only wanted to get laid. Shit, he even took in Catrice's 3 kids just so he could dip the stick a few times, and now her ex is out for blunt-force-trama of the larynx. Such sterotypical behavior the world has never known.
Anyway, Scott takes a lunge towards Cod and connects, scraping his car key against Cod's temple and drawing a little tiny bit of blood. I look over at the barkeep who's picking up the phone and dialing the police. I *so* don't want this fucker to get away, so I decide to take action. I grab my broken stick and jam it into Scott's side as hard as I can; it didn't really penetrate so much as splinter and make him yell "shit!". As he's reaching for the spot I stabbed him, I grab his arm and pull it above his head, then knee him in the groin. As he starts to go down, I go with him in a controlled fall, making sure my knee connects on his inner thigh just millimeters from his left testicle.
He looks at me, then down at my knee, and tries to kick. Cod's standing on the fabric of his pant leg.
I muster up every last bit of evil I can find in my soul and bend my head down towards Scott's ear.
As quietly, yet sternly as I can muster, I whisper into his ear: "You gonna die boy, but not until I've had my way with your youngest daughter right in front of you."
"WHAT THE FUCK! LET ME GO! I've no problem with you, Ghey, I'm here for HIM!"
I need to get him to forget about Cod, and need him to be as freaked out as possible so he doesn't run when the paddy wagon comes. I decide to go all out.
Whispering: "You gonna die, boy, and I'm gonna kill off your whole family before your eyes. First, I'm going to tie up all your kids, strip them naked, and make the boy rape your youngest. Then, after he's through, I'm going to wrap twine around his dick and balls so tight, they'll be white by the time I'm done making him mouth-fuck you. Once he's done, I'll cut them off with your car keys here, and make you dildo-fuck your oldest daughter with 'em while using your big toe to ass-rape her."
"JESUS CHRIST man, WHAT THE FUCK??!"
Cod stares at me, not hearing a word I'm saying but debating with himself weather he'd want to or not. He knows me too well.
"You know me Scott, you've heard the rumors around town about me. You know what? They're all true. I would love nothing more then to drain all the blood out of your living body and feed it to my dogs."
"YOU'RE A FREAK MAN! LET ME GO!!!"
I wrestle one of my arms free, and grab an empty beer mug from the pool table and set it next to Scott. I then take my broken pool cue and jam him in the arm, a little blood trickles out. I collect a little bit (yet impressive-looking amount) of blood in the mug then hold it up in front of my face as if I'm about to drink it.
"SHAITAN DEIFIED! LUCIFERUS BEELZEBUB PLURUBUS UNUM!" Shaitan was from Dune, the worm-name of of the Devil. Luciferus Beelzebub just sounded cool when combined with the words from the back of just about any American currency.
I then take the pool stick and force it (somewhat gently) into his mouth. It nicks his lip a little, but acheives the effect of getting him to unclench his jaw and open his mouth. I move the mug of blood from in front of my mouth and put it to his lips, forcing his mouth open a little more while pooring in the contents. He gags, and all the fear a generation of 'seekers' can muster looks me in the eye. I remove the broken pool stick and force his jaw closed, holding my hand as hard against his lips as I can to get him to swallow. Hell, it's only his blood, after all.
He breathes heavily through his nose as if he's about to vomit. I hold his nose shut, and after a breif struggle he swallows. I give Cod the mug and tell him to rinse it out then give it to the barkeep for a deep cleaning, and just as he's off with it a cop walks into the bar. I wave the cop back where Scott and I are, then let him go into their custody.
"GET ME AWAY FROM HIM! PLEASE, PLEASE GET ME AWAY FROM HIM!!!"
As the cops are cuffing him I lick my lips and give ol' Scotty a wink. The cop looks him over making sure he has no contraband.
"Uh, why does he have blood on his chin?"
"He started a fight with someone, think he bit his lip."
"Oh. Scott, you know that's definately against the terms of your work release, what the hell were you thinking? Now you're not eligible for parole!"
"I DON'T CARE, GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"
The cops pull Scott off and he submits willingly to being shoved into the back of their cruiser. Cod comes back with a full mug of beer, hopefully not the same one that dirty fucker's blood was in.
"Thanks, but you know, that was really fucking creepy."
"Yeah I know, but I had to do somthing to keep these damn injuns from razzing me each time I miss a ball."
"What did you say to him, anyway?"
"Your shot."
User Reviews
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-25 19:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol i liked this story good stuff
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I like how you did that just to get the indians to not hassle you. They will think you are a crazy fucker, and they'll leave you alone. Nice story, even though it's prolly not true
Submitted by ghey (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bah, you guys don't know a good story when you hear it. Of course it's just a story, but still, I really really really don't like people razzing my pool game.
Submitted by blinkben (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sounds like you've got mental problems, man.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 05:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 04:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well the story was mostly awful, although the writing itself wasn't bad. You need to be funnier or more creative generally.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-25 04:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i actually thought it was ok
at least you bothered to do a proper post. If people didnt try ubersite would be full of lame shit.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77681
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-25 04:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't believe this for one second...but it was still worth a solid zero you twisted fuck.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-25 02:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A little hard to follow at times and maybe a bit long winded. Keep a story Condensed and easy to follow for the UBER board, but a definate worth reading.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-10-25 02:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I repeatedly lost track of who you were talking about and your calling it a cue stick annoyed me. Also, I call bull shit.
Submitted by ghey (user info) at 2005-10-25 02:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The injuns made me do it.