Making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent of trying to read Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster. (4438 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.74 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rad (View user info) at 2005-10-25 06:16:07 EDT
"Making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent of trying to read Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster." - Jenna Jameson
Early spring, 1996. I was a young man, not very experienced in the ways of the world, but by virtue of being firmly set in my 16th year I had not yet discovered how ignorant I really was about things. The air was crisp this March morning, hard enough to make your nipples stand out in chilly ecstasy. This perfect, sunny day I ditched my morning classes to go grab coffee with my friend Bob, his girlfriend Harmony, and this other girl we hung out with, Raquel.
We all attended the music program at the Las Vegas Academy of International Studies, Performing, and Visual Arts, and being upperclassmen at the time, we had our general education classes in the morning, and our music ensemble classes in the afternoon. Because we were all budding musicians, we were experimenting with some minor drugs at the time, and after Bob drove us over to Café Espresso Roma for our coffees (because Roma was where all the college kids hung out, and we were wannabes) we parked over on a side street near our school to smoke a bowl of kine bud.
After, Bob drove us back over to the music complex on 9th street where we waited for the 2nd period bell to ring. Bob, Harmony, and myself planned on skipping until after the lunch period, but Raquel insisted that she make her next class, so we drove Bob's 1982 Plymouth Sapporo back over to the Music Complex on 9th street, and played a little "Truth or Dare". In the backseat of that little car I experienced a very important step in my evolution as a teenage male in our over-sexualized society: I felt on Raquel's DD breasts during a very generous dare set up by Harmony. These were the first set of ta-tas I every really had the pleasure of manipulating with my hands, and the first sexual experience I'd had in approximately three years. My reintroduction to manhood was cut short by the period bell, and I was resigned to just having this one thing for a while. Being a sexually charged male teenager is tough in and of itself; being a sexually charged teenager who has horrible luck wooing a chick is murder. I had resigned myself to perpetual "friend" status with the occasional feels I could cop without being creepy about it (like this one)
With Raquel gone, Harmony suggested that we go into the theatre to smoke cigarettes in the 2nd floor dressing room/costume storage of the Academy Theatre. Being of an altered mental state and possessing a substantial lack of good judgment, Bob and I agreed to this plan. It was decided mainly because the theatre backstage was deserted a goodish portion of the morning, and if we were disturbed by anyone, it would probably be a student running an errand to move costumes from the storage area to the tech shop and back.
Originally built in the 60's, and never really renovated that well, the theatre backstage area was a dark, dank place to be in. The architecture of the place was designed in such a way as you never really knew your relation inside the building to specific cardinal directions, and that you really could not see down the hallway because of a corner or a set of stairs; this was the most claustrophobic you could be in an area the size of a large house. We chose the 2nd floor dressing room mainly because it was the last room at the end of an incline near a sharp corner after a set of secondary stairs behind a door partially hidden behind a potted plant. The potted plant in question stood approximately seven feet tall, and was not the expected green color commonly associated with potted plants, but was an exquisite array of violets and reds and blues. I assumed at the time that the plant was a stage plant designed to react under certain lighting filters during a show; a theatre techie buddy of mine later blew this theory out of the water by explaining that the artistic director at the time hated the color green, and had all his plants painted the same way. I nodded my head in faux agreement at the artistic suffering of this man who hated greens.
Harmony, with her head still abuzz from the herbs that had been previously sparked, decided that it was the perfect time to take her blouse off and begin kissing Bob. I always loved Harmony to death for this very reason: when she felt she wanted to do something she lost all reservation and went for it. I was deeply jealous of her ability to pull this off time and time again flawlessly, without negative consequences to herself or reputation, and was the reason I stayed friends with her long after she and Bob terminated their high school romance during their freshman year at University.
Bob for one instance was worried that he had an audience in the room with him and Harmony, but quickly lost all ability at cognitive reasoning due to Harmony's unabashed efforts to draw blood from his brain into his lower areas. I, however, would have been completely unable to draw myself away from this spectacle even at my good friend's insistence; my mouth hung agape, my glands were dumping adrenaline into my bloodstream making my heart jump into my throat with each ever more rapid beat. For the sake of modesty, Harmony had me turn the chair I was sitting in to face away from the action. She explained to me that she didn't want me to leave, but she also didn't want me to see her naked. I took my chair and slid the back of it against Bob's chair, and sat down.
The dim, dank light source from the end of the declining hallway created a dancing shadow show on the wall I was now facing. Harmony's small bosoms and nipples were clearly limned larger than life in dark grays and light sepias. Bob had unleashed his seven inches of fury and was now pleasuring his woman with it. As she was riding him, Harmony ordered me to unzip my fly and remove my wang from its cotton swathed womb. Not about to fuck this opportunity, so to speak, by being my normal shy around girls self, I did as she asked. Now with my cock in my hands, she told me she wanted me to pleasure myself to her: right here, right now. Again, I did as she asked, and reached climax at about the same time as my buddy and her. After, I reached over to the nearest garment hanging on the rack next to us, and began the cleanup process.
Now here's where it got weird.
Bob had gone into the bathroom to flush the condom and tidy himself up. Harmony had thrown her clothes back on, and now began to interrogate me on my actions during their act of intercourse. She wanted to know if I had snuck a peek at her, because she was adamant about me not seeing her naked, and she wanted to know if I came. I told her that I had looked around at her, but really couldn't see anything because of the level of darkness in the room at the time. She appeared to be extremely upset about my actions at first, but when I told her it was too dark to see, she calmed down quite a bit. Now she wanted proof that I orgasmed to her. I held up the soiled blue costume, and showed her where I had ejaculated. This girl, who was so offended by the thought of my seeing her in her natural state, brought the wet spotted material to her mouth and nose, and inhaled deeply. Again, agape. Harmony explained that she wanted to make sure I came to her, and then confided to me that she loved how it smelled and tasted. For the third time that beautiful morning, I learned a valuable lesson about love, sex, and relationships.
Some time later, after the afterglow had worn off and more cigarettes smoked, we left that last room at the end of an incline near a sharp corner after a set of secondary stairs behind a door partially hidden behind a potted plant, and never again were the events of that morning discussed between any of us who were there.
POSTSCRIPT
I never had the opportunity to hook up with Harmony myself; I was always too shy or too afraid to let her know that I was open for anything. Her and Bob has broken up over an incident where Harmony kept trying to stick her hand down his shorts and touch his butt hole while in public. I found this behavior completely endearing and regret that I never attempted a romantic relationship with that girl. A complete sweetheart, her.
Bob turned out to be a complete asshole, and I haven't talked to him in absolute years.
The Las Vegas Academy Theatre is haunted. Many stories have been done on the ghost that resides in the theatre, Mr. Petrie; most notably this story by Discovery Travel: http://tinyurl.com/99yyd
I'd have liked to gone to high school with Jenna Jameson. I bet she would have been fun to know.
And finally, I want to apologize to J.K., who was one of the dancing chorus girls in the LVA production of "Anything Goes" in May of 1996. That blue sequined number looked really outstanding on you during that one scene with all the people dancing on the deck of the ship. You could hardly see the dark spots from the sixth row.
User Reviews
Submitted by ILL34GL3 (user info) at 2008-03-16 16:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-25 07:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
did you like the " now heres where it got a little weird' part?
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-10-30 13:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-10-30 13:03:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
m....m....marry me?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-29 11:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this one time... at band camp
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-26 22:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you're back
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-26 22:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:34:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Be happy that it was not completly badass, I mean, I could have shagged the bird but I was too much of a nervous blubbering wreck around good looking chicas.
******
I do believe you missed your calling.
You should have been a politician.
Your willingness and ability to talk to 3, and quite possibly 4, distinct demgraphic profiles
with one simple sentence is what, definitely, seperates you from the herd.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more of teh butsecks
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Raskolnikov, off that Speed Queen ride, boy! Think you'll ever get her off pulling 7 Gs?
I gotta write a REAL story about tripping on X and eye contact during seX. +++ Nicely done. The title alone was +2.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first set of ta-tas I have ever felt were of the D cup size, and they were rather great.
Ah, memories.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-26 19:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me tingly down there. And then it stopped being dirty. Tease.
*looks for vibrator*
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-10-25 20:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
You fucking weirdo.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:36:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is a classic Rad post!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
+2 for no dogs.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting... Too bad you never tried to get some from her, I bet after a few drinks she would've wanted you and her man at the same time
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo's review cracked me up.
Also, do you realise how many replies I've got from the non-Uberers in my little group e-mail thingy all pissing an moaning that You, Apollo and I are clogging their inboxs with bullshit and PLEASE STOP FUCKING E-MAILING EVRYONE.
Perhaps we're all just too used to exchangeing pointless messages all day on here. Personally, somthing in me made me want to Spam them to fuck with one word correspondances but then I remembered that some of them are Real People as opposed to computerised concepts.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
Submitted by bobotheclown (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the semen sniffing bit was real good though, that raises yoour average bobo rating up
Submitted by bobotheclown (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this didn't capture my attention the way other of your plus2 worthy posts have i'm afraid
seemed a bit long and drawn out
actually, the provision of all the background detail in this post made me wonder if thor's ONCE FAMOUS post 'my experiences with prostititues part 4' suffered the same probem. so i reread it, and concluded that although maybe a bit long, it at least sustained my interest. and perhaps even sparkles here and there with my trademark charm, brilliance and insight!
certainly a post worthy of a plus 2 yhou sanctimonous seppo cunt!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Odd.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rather touching.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have let her, and Bob, and YOU touch my butthole in public.
I'm touching it right now!!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting read
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hot
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
please forgive me for the autistic lack of proofreading.
Submitted by alas_me (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Her and Bob has broken up over an incident where Harmony kept trying to stick her hand down his shorts and touch his butt hole while in public"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
now thats repression.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:01:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
You understand that I consider my childhood to have been incredibly tame.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:58:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, the more I read stories like this, the more I realise how incredibly tame my adolesence was.
--------
Repression.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:04:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
this was getting dangerously close to 2 on 30 reviews.
Nipped it in the bud.
You can thank me later.
-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what I would have done.
Go hit up those +2 posts on best ever while you are at it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was getting dangerously close to 2 on 30 reviews.
Nipped it in the bud.
You can thank me later.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You understand that I consider my childhood to have been incredibly tame.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, the more I read stories like this, the more I realise how incredibly tame my adolesence was.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddam
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob and Harmony did not split up during their freshman year of college due to her going for the hole in public.
that happened while we were still in high school.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
to respond to your earlier speculations to the truthfulness of this story:
Names had been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
And the bit about the potted plant was made up.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is a classic Rad post!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was badass angry about your cleansing of the best ever list? It was a fucking godsend, and i had posts that dropped off when you did it!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brand New Rad!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, does this mean you're moving into your new phase?
"Are you still mad at me?" - How could I be mad at you Rad, your buffoonery has landed one of my posts at the top of the best ever...although you did ruin 2 other +2 streaks I have no ill will. I ask only that you remove your head from your rectum before you proceed with a such a scheme.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and now a +2 for a great story.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm kind of laughing and choking and crying and weeing a little bit at the moment.
This story was too fucked up to be either fact or fiction. It operates in a literary purgatory.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 07:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pretty sure she did, I copped the quote off Wikipedia earlier tonight.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha Jenna. She wrote that in How to Make Love Like a Porn Star didn't she?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I mean, I left out the part where me and my buddy held hands at the moment of climax.
because that is just wrong.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I fail to see how having sexual experiences slightly out of the "repressed shameful" norm makes me weird.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto rad +2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no wonder you are weird.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Which I will leave to speculation.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That cheap gag would be less funny if it wasn't completely true.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:35:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
did you like the bit about the potted plant?
I though that was the clever bit that made the piece.
----------------
It was alright. I thought the general description of the building was better.
I put the plant on a par with the cheap gag about semen on the dancer's clothes.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did you like the bit about the potted plant?
I though that was the clever bit that made the piece.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Be happy that it was not completly badass, I mean, I could have shagged the bird but I was too much of a nervous blubbering wreck around good looking chicas.
And mind you, I used to think that I led a completely boring meaningless life up to this point until I started writing about things I have done in my life. I discovered I wasn't as devoid of life experiences as I once thought.
I just had to put perspective on things and find the meaning of why.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never had such an exciting childhood, hell it was stunted in comparison.
Now Berty is depressed.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a lovely story.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I havn't read it yet, but +2 for not including your fucking dogs.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 06:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Her and Bob has broken up = Bob and she had broken up
PROOFREAD YOU NOOB