Bad Arse Aussie Wildlife: The Ultimate Revenge (891 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2005-10-25 08:20:11 EDT
There has been quite a lot written by the Brits and Yanks about their views on Australian wildlife. Let's face it, if there is one thing Australia is famous (or should that be infamous?) for, it is our beautiful and at times deadly animal and plant life.
Which brings me to "Maggie."
Maggie was the name my brothers and I affectionately gave to a magpie (a breed of bird native to Australia for the Seppo's and Limey's) who decided one winter to take up residence in a tree in our backyard. This was not a problem for us, the bird would wake the family early each morning with its sweet song, and we even left bread crusts on our trampoline for the bird to nibble on during the day while we were at school.
Slowly the weather warmed up, indicating the arrival of spring. For my brothers and I, this meant school holidays, and as a result, days filled with sport, games and various misdemeanour in our backyard.
Maggie on the other hand, had other ideas. With the warmer weather comes nesting season, and being like any other aussie female, Maggie's search for schlong lasted about as long as takes to boil a egg.
Magpies are aggressive when they are nesting, so you can probably guess what happened next. That bird swooped down on us every time we walked out the back door, drawing blood twice in one day by snapping its beak and slamming into the back of each of my brother's heads.
You think it's only the snakes/spiders/jellyfish/crocs/sharks/dingoes that are bad arse in Australia? Think again.
That night after dinner, my brothers and I complained to my dad that we couldn't go outside and play during the day because the bird would attack us. He sat back in his chair and chuckled heartily, saying "Don't you worry boys, Dad will sort him out."
We endured a couple more days of swooping from the feathered fiend, before growing weary of being cooped up inside. We enlisted the help of our brainiac neighbour, Radek, to help us contain the situation.
Radek was a nerdy kid who'd just moved to Australia from Poland. He wore his weird Polish shorts pulled up to his armpits and talked in a funny language that we "cultured" young ruffians didn't understand, so he found it hard to make friends. He was over the moon to have met us though, even if it did mean having to join forces with us to combat the heathen bird.
I look back on those days and still laugh. We quickly nicknamed our Polish friend "Radish" due to our inability to pronounce his name, and I had need to chase him home brandishing my cricket bat on more than one occasion for "chucking" in our backyard games of cricket.
"What do you mean you don't have cricket in Poland? Everyone knows you have to bowl with a STRAIGHT arm you dweeb. You're a bloody cheat! Go home!" He'd run to the front door of his own house, hands covering his head and shouting in Polish for his parents to let him in.
Kids (i.e. me) can be so cruel. Good times.
Anyway, in between the cricket arguments, we came up with a fool proof magpie extermination plan.
We placed some bread crust on our trampoline as bait, with a large cardboard box propped up with a stick hovering over the bread. We then hid in the bushes behind my house wearing bike helmets to protect our heads from possible attack. The plan was that when the bird flew down to take the bait, we would tug on a length of string attached to the stick holding up the box, which would in turn drop the cardboard box over the bird and trap it.
But that wasn't all. Having trapped the bird, we would rush over brandishing our weapons. I was to lift up the box and smack the hell out of the bird with my cricket bat. When it was suitably beaten, my brother would then pick it up and slog it into the air with a tennis racket, and while it was in the air Radek would hurl a large rock at its flying carcass, finishing it off.
A fool proof plan, light years ahead of it's time, pure unadulterated genius. Or so we thought.
The bird showed no interest in our bait for the 2 hours we sat and waited. Our plan failed. Resigned to playing indoors or in the bush land opposite our house for the rest of the holidays, we trudged inside with heads down, defeated.
Little did we know, the balance of power in our little battle was about to change. My dad brought home an air rifle that he'd borrowed from a friend that Friday night. We watched with beaming smiles as he put the gun away out of our sight.
We woke early to the sound of my dad checking the accuracy of the sight of the gun; he stood 10 feet from the swing set in our front yard, taking shots at the metal frame legs. The gun's sight seemed straight enough, and so dad set to work in eradicating our nemesis.
Being a man's man, dad told me to "take your arse outside and get it to swoop you. How the hell am I supposed to find a bird in a tree that big?" I obliged, wearing my bright red bike helmet. Not 2 seconds after I ran outside, the fucker slammed into the back of my helmet, sending me face first into the lawn, as I a launched a tirade of abuse at the bird, while my dad descended into a fit of laughter.
Bastard!
He soon composed himself, and spent the next few hours taking pot shots at his target whenever it would appear. Sadly, dad's failing eye sight meant that he was a terrible shot, and so later in the evening he gave up and put the gun away.
Sunday was rugby day, so on Monday with dad back at work, my brothers and I once again sat inside bored as an unemployed drunk without a porn channel. My mother decided to take my youngest brother clothes shopping, and as soon as they left I set about finding the air rifle. It turned out my dad had "hidden" both the gun and pellets in the bottom of his closet, next to his favourite golf umbrella. Locked and loaded, I ordered my brother outside just as my dad had done to me.
Like clockwork, the bird swooped down on my brother, and this time landed on the power lines out the front of our house. I ran inside, rested the gun on the window sill of my parent's bedroom, took aim and squeezed the trigger gently.
THWACK!
The pellet smacked into the side of the bird's neck, causing feathers to fly in all directions. The bird fell slowly, initially hanging on the power line upside down like a drunken gymnast on the parallel bars, before falling to its demise in the concrete gutter below. My brother stood with his mouth wide open for what seemed like eternity, before shouting, "SCONED HIM!!" at the top of his lungs. "Yes! You killed it!"
"Be QUIET!" I hissed back at him. I was aware that killing the native wildlife was illegal, but I was much more concerned about getting my arse severely whipped for using the gun while dad wasn't around.
A few days later, having celebrated the departure of our nemesis, my brothers and I sat in our front yard talking. I had been grounded for a month for using the gun in dad's absence, but I swear the fucker had a sly, proud smile on his face as he handed down my punishment.
As we sat in the front yard, we noticed a large yellow truck making its way slowly along our street, which we recognised immediately as a street sweeper.
Oh the glory! We sat waiting impatiently, awaiting the inevitable flood of blood and guts.
We weren't disappointed. I tell you, being 11 years old and seeing a magpie that you've shot being run over by a street sweeper.... it doesn't get much better than that.
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm roadkill.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-03 12:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Opposable thumbs and ballistics.
The great human equalizers.
Submitted by Bobbywangstar (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the pic, as sadistic as it may be.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2005-10-26 05:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive seen those bastards split kids heads open.. theyre insane.. Getting hit in the back of the head by one feels like a punch to the back of your noggin.
Good times watching motherfuckers get swooped though.. there used to be one that nested right outside the front gates of my highschool.. so many kids used to just hang out to watch kids get picked off.. it was like crossing a battle field.. regiments of kids would scramble across the nature strip in measured battalions, in a timed burst for freedom.. good times
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:00:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
All your country are belong to Mrs. Windsor.
Yours too Ozzy. Wow, your practically British as well. We're all part of one big happy empire.
Lets all meet up and sing God Save the Queen
--------------------
I got no beef with Liz. Me and her went out for drinks one day; needless to say I had a few issues to discuss with her.
As a result of our conversation, she's trading the corgis in for a couple of rottweilers, and has switched from red wine to Jack on the rocks. Oh, and those floral dresses of hers will be a thing of the past, look out for her wearing knee high boots a low cut top and no bra next summer.
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Stella job mate, she could do with an image change. just a shame you couldn't have sorted her out in her hayday. Maybe dipped your wick into the royal pocket and spruced up the rather dirgy genetic material.
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Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:50:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, you killed a magpie that had eggs. Not cool.
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Magpie's are vermin and it would have eaten it's young anyway.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All your country are belong to Mrs. Windsor.
Yours too Ozzy. Wow, your practically British as well. We're all part of one big happy empire.
Lets all meet up and sing God Save the Queen
--------------------
I got no beef with Liz. Me and her went out for drinks one day; needless to say I had a few issues to discuss with her.
As a result of our conversation, she's trading the corgis in for a couple of rottweilers, and has switched from red wine to Jack on the rocks. Oh, and those floral dresses of hers will be a thing of the past, look out for her wearing knee high boots a low cut top and no bra next summer.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, you killed a magpie that had eggs. Not cool.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:36:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ah cmon Cookie, I was just ribbing ya, I know how alot you Scots feel about being grouped together with the English.
My girl hates it even when I call her British, that's how proud she is of her heritage.
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All your country are belong to Mrs. Windsor.
Yours too Ozzy. Wow, your practically British as well. We're all part of one big happy empire.
Lets all meet up and sing God Save the Queen.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ah cmon Cookie, I was just ribbing ya, I know how alot you Scots feel about being grouped together with the English.
My girl hates it even when I call her British, that's how proud she is of her heritage.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
baw.
fucking gold.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:02:48 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:50:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't find that joke very funny at all, ozzy. """
what's wrong with northern england you compulsive liar?
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It's full of Scottish/English half breeds.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:50:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't find that joke very funny at all, ozzy. """
what's wrong with northern england you compulsive liar?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:37:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
So its not just the women then?
________
This is why I spend my evenings playing Yahoo Pool instead of reading Uber. I try to give people a little snippet of information they might otherwise not have had, and they use it against me and hurt my fragile feelings.
I'm only a girl, you know. Tender, kind, loving, sweet. I'm not able to deal with this kind of viciousness.
Back to pool. I'm kicking this guy's ass. Fucking faggot that he is. Got weaned too late off'n his mama's saggy titty.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't find that joke very funny at all, ozzy.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many words! Head....hurting. IQ.....dropping.
<cries emo tears>
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Aussie wildlife is rubbish.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:34:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:28:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
We have magpies too. Everywhere has magpies.
______
Ours are different from the European magpie.
http://photogallery.canberrabirds.org.au/images/Magpie_Australian2_Cook.jpg - aussie
http://www.advancedpoetx.com/ZHINUWEB/elster1.jpg - european
Ours are bigger, stockier, more agressive, and sound very coarse.
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Fucking Australians, if you have a black cat they have one blacker...
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody magpies.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:22:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 05:44:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way Cookie, I didn't realise you were Scottish. I've spent quite a bit of time up there recently (my girl is Scottish) Which part of that wee bonny loch infested country do you hail from?
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Southern Scotland... Dumfries/Annan area, specifically
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So, basically you're from Northern England?
And now we sit back and wait for the bite. ha ha.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doih! Sorry barns. My bad.
Berty, you just done got replaced.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a man's man, dad told me to "take your arse outside and get it to swoop you. How the hell am I supposed to find a bird in a tree that big?" I obliged, wearing my bright red bike helmet. Not 2 seconds after I ran outside, the fucker slammed into the back of my helmet, sending me face first into the lawn, as I a launched a tirade of abuse at the bird, while my dad descended into a fit of laughter.
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I can not stop laughing at this.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, we all love you and cry at night because you aren't there.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:52:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Except to say that Berty pretty much topped everything you wrote with that one little line right there...Heh he heh.
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That was Barny. Credit where credit is due.
He's the funny one now. I'm going to retire with my mansion.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
back of each of my brother's heads. """
OMG YOUR BROTHER HAS TWO HEADS AND YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT MAGPIES??? WE NEED PICS!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Except to say that Berty pretty much topped everything you wrote with that one little line right there...Heh he heh.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, better reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:43:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR NO PEENER @
ll
ll
ll
ll
ll
ll
\/
--------
Whachoo Talkin' 'bout Willis?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:37:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:34:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:28:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
We have magpies too. Everywhere has magpies.
______
Ours are different from the European magpie.
http://photogallery.canberrabirds.org.au/images/Magpie_Australian2_Cook.jpg - aussie
http://www.advancedpoetx.com/ZHINUWEB/elster1.jpg - european
Ours are bigger, stockier, more agressive, and sound very coarse.
===== = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
So its not just the women then?
---------------------------------------
AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Best review EVER!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR NO PEENER @
ll
ll
ll
ll
ll
ll
\/
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:37:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:34:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:28:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
We have magpies too. Everywhere has magpies.
______
Ours are different from the European magpie.
http://photogallery.canberrabirds.org.au/images/Magpie_Australian2_Cook.jpg - aussie
http://www.advancedpoetx.com/ZHINUWEB/elster1.jpg - european
Ours are bigger, stockier, more agressive, and sound very coarse.
===== = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
So its not just the women then?
--------
BWUHAHAHAHAHA ah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<ejaculates>
<single tear>
<dies> etc...
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:34:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:28:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
We have magpies too. Everywhere has magpies.
______
Ours are different from the European magpie.
http://photogallery.canberrabirds.org.au/images/Magpie_Australian2_Cook.jpg - aussie
http://www.advancedpoetx.com/ZHINUWEB/elster1.jpg - european
Ours are bigger, stockier, more agressive, and sound very coarse.
===== = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
So its not just the women then?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:28:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
We have magpies too. Everywhere has magpies.
______
Ours are different from the European magpie.
http://photogallery.canberrabirds.org.au/images/Magpie_Australian2_Cook.jpg - aussie
http://www.advancedpoetx.com/ZHINUWEB/elster1.jpg - european
Ours are bigger, stockier, more agressive, and sound very coarse.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for sorrow (spits)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have magpies too. Everywhere has magpies.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 05:44:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way Cookie, I didn't realise you were Scottish. I've spent quite a bit of time up there recently (my girl is Scottish) Which part of that wee bonny loch infested country do you hail from?
----------------------
Southern Scotland... Dumfries/Annan area, specifically