How Much Do You Want To Bet That I Punched An Old Man In The Face? (1863 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.77 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2005-10-25 09:34:28 EDT
Most of the time, I don't mind going out to run errands, but on Saturday, it seemed like every fucking person on the planet was in the Wal-Mart in my hometown. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a sign hanging over the store that said, "Abandon all faith, ye who enter here."
Great.
As a side note, prior to coming to Wal-Mart, I was at the local grocery store where it took me forty minutes to buy two and a half pounds of cold cuts and a twelve pack of Cherry Coke. Needless to say, I was already annoyed.
It took me about fifteen minutes to find a parking spot, then it took me ten minutes to walk to the building. Did I mention that it was pouring and the wind was blowing like crazy?
By the time I walked into the store, I was cold, angry and hell bent on getting the four items that I needed, purchasing them and being out of there in ten minutes.
I walked into the biggest clusterfuck of all time. "Batman" and "Robin" (read: two assholes in costumes) were standing in front of the door greeting everyone who was unfortunate enough to be there. Little kids gummed up the entire entrance, while parents and grandparents stood around, doing nothing but getting in my way.
Batman said, "Why, hello there!"
I raised my eyes and said, "Fuck off, shitbag."
"Ah, is it a bad day in Gotham?" he asked.
"Gotham? Are you fucking stoned? You're in Wal-Mart, idiot. Now, kindly remove yourself from my path before I kick you in your little bat balls."
"You should have dressed up like Catwoman. You'd be good for that, bitch!" he shouted.
"And you should be bent over a piano taking it up the ass. Good day to you, sir," I said as I began to push through the crowd.
I had only been in the store for a few minutes and I was already experiencing what I call "angervation." Angervation is a combination of anger and aggravation, resulting in tons of swearing, lashing out at innocent individuals, punching small children in the back of the head and smoking approximately 20 cigarettes in a 30 minute time span.
After much pushing, shoving and cursing, I finally procured my items. I made my way to the checkouts, only to see that every line stretched out past the walkway and into the various racks of high-fashion clothing at affordable prices.
I stood in the ten items or less aisle, only to see that every single person in front of me had carts that were filled to the brim.
I began to consider my options.
My first attempt at ascending from the pit of hell was in the electronics department. They usually don't mind if you purchase a few items. Unfortunately, those lines were also miles long. The lady at the jewelry counter turned me away, as did the gentleman at the gun counter.
*Aside: Wal-Mart won't sell music with explicit lyrics, but they'll sell guns. My guess is that the CEO is a raging Republican.
As I pondered that thought, inspiration finally struck. I remembered one afternoon when Wal-Mart was balls-out crazy, and one of the employees said that we could be checked out at the customer service desk.
Dodging all of the toothless folk, I finally found my sanity in the short line at the service desk. I quickly got in line and breathed, knowing that my agony would soon be over.
After standing there for a few moments, I felt something brush across my ass. I turned around and saw an old man standing there. His wrinkly face was set with soft blue eyes, and his grey cardigan looked like it was a little too big for his frail body. He simply looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Miss."
"It's all right," I said, as I turned around.
A few seconds later, I felt the same thing. Then I felt it again, and again.
And again.
I could feel my fury growing.
I turned to him and said, "It would probably be in your best interest to quit touching me."
"What? I didn't do anything!" he proclaimed.
"One more time," I muttered.
As I rooted around in my purse for my wallet, I felt something on my ass again, although this time, it was more of a squeeze than a graze.
I whipped around and said, "Do it again and I'll kill you!"
He stood there for a moment, then said, "Can I touch your skin? Can I make you jump?"
I was shocked, and rightfully so. Who says that shit? After the confusion settled, I said, "I am not ashamed to knock you on your ass, old timer."
A black gentleman who was standing behind him struggled to stifle his laughter. I glared at the old dickhead for a few seconds then went back to waiting. I did not even have my back turned for five seconds when he did it again.
So I spun around and punched him.
He collapsed into the arms of the black man, who could do nothing but laugh. I didn't punch him hard...well, not hard enough that he blacked out or anything. The punch must have surprised him, because he said, "Charlie? I think Ethel hit me in the head with a pan again. Can you help me?"
The black dude said, "No problem. That Ethel's a mean one, ain't she?"
"Yeah," he said as he shook his head a little.
By this time, I had already been checked out and as I was making my way to the door, the black guy stopped me. He said, "You got a mean right hook, shorty."
"No kidding," I said as I winked.
"He was eyeing your ass the entire time," he said.
"What can I say? I've been known to make men see stars."
He started to laugh and then said, "You're my girl. Dayum!"
What can I say? I'm a hothead.
This Christmas season should be lots of fun.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-09-23 11:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is still my favorite post
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Batman said, "Why, hello there!"
----
...Buttsecks?
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-10 12:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You remind me of a girl who will cheat on her boyfriend with me.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-11-10 11:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You remind me of a Younger Lyndon B. Johnson.
Submitted by GoodGirl (user info) at 2005-11-09 14:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:37:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're only in purgatory.
(Semi-hell)
---------
Score 1 for you.
Speaking of a semi.....wooahhhhhhh Ziiiing.
I digress.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock girl, you rock.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-29 10:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny story
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:09:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
For those of you who don't believe this, she almost laid some broad out at the King of Prussia mall for cutting us in line at the pizza place in the food court. Plus this guy had it coming.
**********************
"King of Prussia mall?"
I know what each of those words mean, but they don't make any sense when placed in that order.
Because no one asked but it's the cool thing to do, here is me judging you: I'm okay with the punching of the elderly man -- you gave him fair warning. I just thought it was unnecessary to be rude to Batman. He's just trying to do his job and make the greeting area safe from criminals.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-25 20:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, nice.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-25 19:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*note to self* never touch Pentameter's ass...
...while she is conscious.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That old man looks suspiciously Jewish
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a better writer than me by a gap wider than goatse. I think that's a compliment?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But that...
I mean....
It was....
Ok, that was supposed to be a joke. You know "I'm not a mysogynist, I have female friends" was supposed to be the same as "I'm not racist, I have black friends"....
I give up.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't realize calling someone ignorant was the same as almost laying them out.
I'm not a mysogynist, I have female friends!
-------------------
Believe me, I wanted to lay her out. I find it highly annoying when people don't act in a proper manner.
As for you not being a mysogynist, it'll take a little more than knowing that you have female friends to sell me on that.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't realize calling someone ignorant was the same as almost laying them out.
I'm not a mysogynist, I have female friends!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You should have dressed up like Catwoman. You'd be good for that, bitch!" he shouted.
-----
Ohhhh yeah, I can TOTALLY see you as Catwoman...you are hot, and I'm not talking Halle Berry hot, I'm talkin JULIE NEWMAR hot!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:34:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Take it down a notch, Captain Sensitive.
I made that statement based on information given BY YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND. He said, and I quote, "she almost laid some broad out at the King of Prussia mall for cutting us in line at the pizza place in the food court." Now, I realize that in fourth grade that's a reason to attack someone, but not as an adult in a public place.
That's all it was, no more no less. If you want to be pissed at anyone, be pissed at him for giving people the wrong impression about you. In his words, you attacked a woman for being inconsiderate. But I guess, since you are Pentameter, I'm supposed to overlook that and blindly +2 you because everything you do is wonderful.
---------
I'm sorry. Next time, I'll be more pleasant to a person who obviously has no manners and no concept of what it means to be a human being. If you cut me off when I'm driving, I'm going to blow my horn. If you cut in front of me in line, I'm going to call you ignorant. It's not a fourth grade thing. It's my desire to be treated in a courteous manner.
And believe me, I could give a flying fuck about ratings. I like to write. I like to tell STORIES. It brings me joy to see that people enjoy what I write. I gain nothing from writing on this site other than that.
It's about the craft, not what random people on a random website think. I don't care what your impression of me is.
Get your head out of your ass. Your holier than thou attitude is getting old, Ghandi.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:22:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Gee random internet person, thanks for making a snap judgment about me. I really appreciate that. I mean, touching someone repeatedly after they ask you not to is completely acceptable. Also, being rude, ignorant and self-serving is acceptable too.
Now...I'm off to eat some chocolate, change my tampon, listen to Bette Midler and then I'm going to go to the supermarket. I hope to God a little old lasy doesn't ask me to reach something on a high shelf. I might have to punch her in the jaw, since I'm, "prone to violence in situations which do not warrant it."
Besides, don't you have a woman to slap around, mysogynist?
----
Take it down a notch, Captain Sensitive.
I made that statement based on information given BY YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND. He said, and I quote, "she almost laid some broad out at the King of Prussia mall for cutting us in line at the pizza place in the food court." Now, I realize that in fourth grade that's a reason to attack someone, but not as an adult in a public place.
That's all it was, no more no less. If you want to be pissed at anyone, be pissed at him for giving people the wrong impression about you. In his words, you attacked a woman for being inconsiderate. But I guess, since you are Pentameter, I'm supposed to overlook that and blindly +2 you because everything you do is wonderful.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:43:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost took off a point for not including a picture of that ass.
But what the fuck.
-----------------------
I agree with Shlongy. Either way, you warned him. Old people think they can get away with everything because they are old and senial. But I would be attracted to your ass too, so I can see where he is coming from. But I have the self-restraint to keep my hands off....
Submitted by Lije (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have trouble supressing a strong urge to clothesline folk in the Walmart aisles. The majority of shoppers do seem hellbent on blocking both pathways and shelves while simply standing in groups, mouths agape, regarding the world around them with vacant expressions. Or they waddle very slowly with their carts at the doorways to create bottleneck situations.
Cutting in line warrants getting shot, but carefully as to only inflict a fleshwound. Something in the meaty part of the thigh, but certainly not the bone.
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:36:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.pms.org.uk/
Here is some help for your Angry Pussy Hormonal Imbalance Psychosis.
"Don't hit me I'm wearin' shot glasses"
-------------
OOOOHHHH DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING! AREN'T YOU CLEVER!
===========================
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:28:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:09:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
For those of you who don't believe this, she almost laid some broad out at the King of Prussia mall for cutting us in line at the pizza place in the food court. Plus this guy had it coming.
----
So she's prone to violence in situations which do not warrant it. Wonderful.
-----------------
Gee random internet person, thanks for making a snap judgment about me. I really appreciate that. I mean, touching someone repeatedly after they ask you not to is completely acceptable. Also, being rude, ignorant and self-serving is acceptable too.
Now...I'm off to eat some chocolate, change my tampon, listen to Bette Midler and then I'm going to go to the supermarket. I hope to God a little old lasy doesn't ask me to reach something on a high shelf. I might have to punch her in the jaw, since I'm, "prone to violence in situations which do not warrant it."
Besides, don't you have a woman to slap around, mysogynist?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every motherfucking person who sees me in Wal-Mart thinks I work there. Despite that I don't have a goofy blue vest emblazoned with "Wal-Mart."
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can vouch...I was on the phone
with her. She can be a wicked bitch
and that is exactly why I love her
so.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"*Aside: Wal-Mart won't sell music with explicit lyrics, but they'll sell guns. My guess is that the CEO is a raging Republican. "
umm... tipper gore.
but your ignorant politics aside,
enjoyable.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm just the token black guy, I'm here to say things like 'dayum', 'sheet', and 'oh that is whack'!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TKO.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't touch Lucys ass with out permission......Got it.
The bat balls line was priceless. If I find out you didn't say that exactly as transcribed, I will be angry.
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.pms.org.uk/
Here is some help for your Angry Pussy Hormonal Imbalance Psychosis.
"Don't hit me I'm wearin' shot glasses"
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Wal-Mart.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:09:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
For those of you who don't believe this, she almost laid some broad out at the King of Prussia mall for cutting us in line at the pizza place in the food court. Plus this guy had it coming.
----
So she's prone to violence in situations which do not warrant it. Wonderful.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you love it.
you might have to find another passion when you get older though, Ive heard it all gets a bit empty for your types if you dont
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For those of you who don't believe this, she almost laid some broad out at the King of Prussia mall for cutting us in line at the pizza place in the food court. Plus this guy had it coming.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I hate when old men grab my ass and say shit about popsicles or something. I don't mind so much when they cup my balls at the urinal, though
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:15:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome story, but i don't believe it.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:15:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome story, but i don't believe it.
=========================================
When I get that old, I'm gonna grab your ass too.
Wait....I'm nearly there already.
<lunges>
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No perverts like old perverts.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoy your rants
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He grabbed your ass and didn't even offer you some candy? I thought all old people had candy...
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dirty old men need lovin' too!
I can't wait until I get old. I'll wear sunglasses everywhere so everyone thinks I'm blind, but secretly I'll be checking out all the fine young hiney.
"Excuse me, could you help an old man across the street?"
Cue inappropriate breast grope.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome story, but i don't believe it.
i do believe the fact that grocery stores blow goatass...it took me an hour to buy a bag of mozzarella cheese on saturday to put on top of my godforsaken chili.
fucking shitbags can't use the gooddamn self check out isles for shit.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rockin
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:50:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha!
Berty,
Donkey is one of the few people who brings out my good side.
And, I am NOT pregnant.
That is all.
-------------
that's what my housemate says about her boyfriend, and I've seen the way she treats him.
*makes concerned face*
Well, none of my beeswax. He's your human plaything.
When you do get preggers can I be the Godfather? If you die I shall school the child in the path of righteousness.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Terrific.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wal Mart is coming to my town.
Ugh.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for dirty old men
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha!
Berty,
Donkey is one of the few people who brings out my good side.
And, I am NOT pregnant.
That is all.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:44:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are only a semi-badass mother.
And for the record - Old people suck and should be cast away to an island far away
---------------
I never knew you was preggers! Can I be intraweb Godfather?
Submitted by randomhero83 (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Old People + Violence = +2 for you my friend.
LINK WHORE!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77699
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a mean, angry laydeeee.
I bet you say and do horrid things to/near Donkey and make him cry/sit quietly with worry.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gee, it's like someone opened the faucet and everyone is lavishing praise on your for...not one of your better posts. Sorry.
Submitted by Leroy_Brown (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So in other words you beat up an old age pensioner clearly suffering from dementia. Congratulations.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poopmypants
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are only a semi-badass mother.
And for the record - Old people suck and should be cast away to an island far away.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost took off a point for not including a picture of that ass.
But what the fuck.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha Brilliant! You're one of the cool Americans aren't you? And i thought you were a dying breed!
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha brilliant. You're one of the few cool americans.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamned old people think they can get away with murder! RAAAAHH!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Dayum!"
too stereotypical.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old men never touch my ass. Not since puberty hit at least
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-25 09:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent +2 post