childhood games, or, adventures in violence and stupidity, part 1 (696 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.63 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-10-25 10:04:40 EDT
My parents had a penchant for creating children. I'm sure they were just doing their duty by God and creating a good little army of christians. Five boys and two baby sisters to round it out. I am the dead middle of the seven. By the time I was old enough to need entertaining beyond a bedtime story and some brightly colored plastic shit, my parents had pretty much decided that we were an adaptable lot and could damn well fend for ourselves. I'd say this came from an obligatory sense of instilling in us the need to be creative and self sufficient humans. It certainly wasn't poor parenting...right?
Well, we lived on a big tree ringed lot, about two acres, with a huge grassy plot in the center, perfect for playing kickball, baseball etc. Being the inventive little folk that we were these childhood staples quickly lost their charm and we were driven to explore new possibilities for entertainment. The result of this experimentation was that we had few friends who were allowed to continue to play with us. Only those with negligent or alcoholic parents were generally allowed to play with us more than once or twice. Their life experiences also added some fun to the mix....
Anyway, the following is a direct product of the minds of bored and malicious preteens.
In this stomping grounds that my parents provided there were two rather large apple trees near the rear of the property. These trees provided everything you needed to play the game. They produced tons of the crappiest fruit you could imagine; consistently about as big as a golf ball, green and hard as hell. You need to start out with a good pile of these. Next thing is to climb up the tree and find a nice flexible branch, about six or seven feet long, thick as a pool cue at one end and maybe as big as a pencil at the other. Scrape the bark off the skinny end of the stick and jam an apple on there.
Now you're ready to play "apple flinging".
The idea is to take a good ten foot running start with the stick over your shoulder as though you are going to cast a fishing line, and right as you are coming to a stop whip the stick over your shoulder as hard as you can. What follows is a beautiful sight to behold, and a learning experience to boot, plotting trajectories, calculating the effect of prevailing winds, the cost of a thermal UV protected sliding glass door, how to most effectively infuriate other human beings...
Those apples would fly a good couple hundred yards... excepting the ones that smashed into the back of my parents house or into the traffic that ran down the road in front of their home. The sound of shattering glass was a frequent backdrop to the childhood exploits of me, my siblings, and our friends.
An exciting variation that cropped up was apple flinging battles. After a few weeks of practicing, and replacing many windows in my parents' house, though none in cars, as we had all developed a strong sense of self preservation at tender ages and had found that running like hell can get you out of most situations, we found that we had been able to develop a good deal of precision as well. This was an obvious cue that we needed to start trying to hurt each other with produce. This kind of decision making process explains why we were unable to keep many friends
This was an awesome game, and if the world were a fair and just place this would have become an Olympic competition long ago. Epitomizes the phrase poetry in motion. Seriously, the beauty of motion that this game embodied moves ones mind to scenes of the greatest athletic accomplishments ever, but with exploding apples, lots of bruises, and broken windows...
I think my dad always thought that much of what we did was actually pretty funny; he often laughed out loud at some of our exploits when my mom wasn't there. I blame him for my socially deviant behavior.
Some of the clearest memories I have from my earliest childhood are sitting on the kitchen floor of my grandparents home pretending to ignore the stories that my father and his three brothers told. The ones that set them off laughing. The ones which were immediately transformed into stories about "work and "church" when my grandma made an entrance into the room. These stories involved things blowing up and people crying.
The boy is only seven months old, but already he sits on the floor watching his dad and uncles standing around his grandparents kitchen, laughing. When I look down at him, sometimes he looks away really quick. Sometimes he smiles at me. I know he hears everything.
My home has a pear tree. Now that the boy has arrived I'm trying to decide if I should cut the damn thing down or rely on the less aerodynamic pear to curtail some of the imminent damage. It's going to be interesting to see how far he can get one to fly.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-01 20:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You guys got to play with fruit? How privileged.
We had to throw garbage and dead crayfish from the crick at each other.
Those fuckers are scary when they're wet and coated in raw sewage.
she said crick
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:41:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stop using oathmeal to +2 yourself
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-30 05:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody vandal
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-01 20:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You guys got to play with fruit? How privileged.
We had to throw garbage and dead crayfish from the crick at each other.
Those fuckers are scary when they're wet and coated in raw sewage.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i have a penchant for bad ratings hehe
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd sure like to hear more stories of you and your brother, the Great Brain...
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My childhood gave me a lot of scars, a lot of lessons, and a lot of thankfulness for how well I turned out, given the circumstances.
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-10-25 14:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was privileged as a kid.
i had a bb gun.
and scars to prove it.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:32:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Apple flinging is hardly the worst y'all could have been doing. I knew kids who made bombs and stole cars and stuff like that. Cute story though.
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Shameless linkwhore
Damn bomb making children:
Pt1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34130
Pt2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34254
When are you teaching that boy to surf Uber? It's about time, yanno.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:59:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
We used to have crab apple fights when I was a kid. Then when they were all gone we used to make a catapult with a 2x4 and a brick and lauch frogs into the air. The sporting part of it was when the frog came back to earth. Whoever could hit it back up into the air with a tennis racket scored five points while those who only nicked the flying frog got 2 points. Good times.
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NICE!
when i was in college, we had this thing called Hallway Slingshot.
It involved a bag full of apples, those grey Therabands that you get if you sprain an ankle or a rotator cuff to strengthen it up, two people, a hallway with a blind corner around it, tons of unsuspecting victims, a video camera, and a website.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I started writing about my growing up, I'd probably be surprised I've never needed a shrink. There are stories I look back at, and wonder why I'm not dead or permanently scarred.
Funny thing about it though, with all the stupid shit we used to do as kids, none of us has ever broken any bones. Jumping off the swings isn't as dangerous as it looks.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:04:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Me and my brothers grew up away from any kind of 2 acre anything. We were less inventive, and more daring. Rock fights are what it was all about. The two people squaring off would stand about two house-lengths apart in the alley... first one to bleed loses. It toughened us up I think. On more than one occasion, I remember saying "That scratch was there from yesterday!"
The best thing to do in that game, was spray a bunch of rocks in a high arc... and as they're about to land on the other person, start side-arming the thin sharp rocks at their legs.
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I think I may have played with you as a kid! Did you have BB gun fights too? Or the game where bigger, meaner older brothers stick you in the deep freeze and sit on the door so that you can't get out?
Tomorrow or Thursday I'm going to post about the best game ever, the circle game. This should satisfy the lust for violence that seems to be running rampant here.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:46:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to have apple fights with my next door neighbours but they ended when I accidently threw a half brick over.
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they ended... as in you ended them...?
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-10-25 12:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me and my brothers grew up away from any kind of 2 acre anything. We were less inventive, and more daring. Rock fights are what it was all about. The two people squaring off would stand about two house-lengths apart in the alley... first one to bleed loses. It toughened us up I think. On more than one occasion, I remember saying "That scratch was there from yesterday!"
The best thing to do in that game, was spray a bunch of rocks in a high arc... and as they're about to land on the other person, start side-arming the thin sharp rocks at their legs.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-25 11:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written and entertaining, plus 2!
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:59:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
We used to have crab apple fights when I was a kid. Then when they were all gone we used to make a catapult with a 2x4 and a brick and lauch frogs into the air. The sporting part of it was when the frog came back to earth. Whoever could hit it back up into the air with a tennis racket scored five points while those who only nicked the flying frog got 2 points. Good times.
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For some reason this review made me laugh too.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We used to have crab apple fights when I was a kid. Then when they were all gone we used to make a catapult with a 2x4 and a brick and lauch frogs into the air. The sporting part of it was when the frog came back to earth. Whoever could hit it back up into the air with a tennis racket scored five points while those who only nicked the flying frog got 2 points. Good times.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My friends are idiots too.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/67184
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to have apple fights with my next door neighbours but they ended when I accidently threw a half brick over.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apple flinging is hardly the worst y'all could have been doing. I knew kids who made bombs and stole cars and stuff like that. Cute story though.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds so much of clay luts, from when I was a sprog. We'd play by the river, and get this strong. whippy reeds or dits of willow. You wrap a lump of clay-ey mud around the tip, and whip it forward. Those things were fast, fun, and fokken sore.
I miss being a kid.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-10-25 10:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwwww