Strange Women Who Have Tried To Get Into My Pants: Episode IV – Psycho (1796 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.76 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ejryuu.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-25 15:22:55 EDT
Volumes one, two and three were women in my dreams and the only reason that they "tried" to get in my pants and didn't succeed was because my mother woke me up for school. A bit of background information:
As a child, I had a few hobbies, one of which was basketball. Loved anything to do with the sport, especially playing. In my neighborhood, nearly everyone was too fat, too lazy or too busy making sure the feng-shui of their meth lab was up to par. Consequently, I felt compelled to move out from the hoop at home that I'd helped my grandfather cement next to the driveway years and years ago. My choice for a change of venue lead me to the Pine City Public Beach.
The Beach was quite a spectacle. A small, run-down building served for changing rooms that must have been erected when man and dinosaur lived in harmony. Neither the showers nor the urinals really worked so you'd just sort of find a grate or a corner and proceed with whatever business you came to do in the grey, musky lightless facilities. On the other side of the Beach, through the hot sand and clumps of weeds randomly scattered, one found the playground. A rusty metal swing set with an eerie creak stood next to a tiny metal ramp that served as a slide in a previous life. A crooked merry-go-round of doom plastered with talentless redneck graffiti completed the trio of misfit toys. Next to these fine facilities was my new home away from home: the basketball courts. Four hoops of various shapes and sizes, all having double-welded rims and structural instability in common. A worn cotton net, a new, out-of-place metal net, and two rims with nothing to dance underneath them when heaven forbid a ball pass through. Uneven hoops were further complimented by turf the victim of an earthquake. One of the few courts I've ever played on where breaking your own ankles was a legitimate possibility. I'd scraped my hands, twisted ankles and cracked my head on that blacktop beast of a defender more than a few times. To top off the atrocities of the court, two of the four sides surrounding this jungle court was actual jungle. Or swamp, to be more accurate. One freakish bounce could take your ball into elephant grass and/or water. Strap on your safari hat, kids!
One scorching afternoon in late July, I met Psycho. I'd been up to my usual stuff, playing hard against the highschool dropouts and gang-banger wannabes. This particular day was hot enough to warrant a dip in the Beach. Merely wading in this swamp-in-disguise was taboo. I understood that water at the deeper end will be colder than water at the shallow end....but....this is ridiculous. Water should not be that warm unless it's not water. Why people viewed this lake as their own private toilet was beyond me. It was so damned hot, though! The [comparitively] cool water reaches my skinny tan stomach when I feel a pair of hands grasping my sides. I take one step further with my left foot, pivot half a full rotation and slide my right foot through the sand, balancing on my toes in my own picture-perfect aquatic kung-fu cat stance. My eyes focus on my assailant, a young girl giggling in a dirty white bikini.
"Hi, I'm Kristi," she says.
"Hi, my name's E.J.," I let out with a nervous tone.
Kristi didn't look bad in the water. Thin body, shoulder-length hair demolished at this point in time from the sewage she's been in, average face smacking away on an oversized wad of chewing gum. More giggling followed as she introduced me to her friend, another girl named Missy. It was evident in the first five minutes of meeting these young girls that at least one of them would be on Cops in the future.
The fiery pulse of the sun thumping down on the three of us was not kind to Kristi at all. The drier she got, the more repugnant she became. I made the mistake of letting them come back to the basketball court with me. They told me that they both played for the local traveling girls' team so I figured they might be able to play. I figured wrong. It was the most hellacious half hour of basketball I've ever seen played.
Being completely exhausted with the sun starting to make its descent, now was the time to make my six mile trek on my green Huffy ten speed back home. The girls decided to follow me as far as they could before our routes split up. As [bad] luck would have it, Kristi and Missy lived a block and a half away from me. We talked a little bit more, played some more basketball and finally, my two new friends left me alone for the day.
Before noon the next day, my mother answered the incessant ringing doorbell to find none other than the gruesome twosome, giggling as usual and asking for an audience with yours truly. The furiously annoyed attitude my mom had just taken on because of these bumbling idiots transferred directly to me.
"E.J.," screeched my mother "someone's here to see you!"
As I sprinted towards the white front door of the house from my room, my mother's sadistic smile stopped me dead in my tracks, just out of view from Kristi and Missy. Her eyes formed a gash in my stomach and left third degree burns on my soul. I received an eight second angry lecture, point of it all being something akin to "Get these fucks away from our house."
"So ummmm, do you want to come to the beach today?"
"No thanks, I've got some other stuff to do."
"Awww, why not?"
"...Because I've got some other stuff to do. So I'll talk to you guys later, alright?"
The two rode off on their bikes, dejected that the skinny geeky kid wouldn't tag along with them to the public swamp that day...
until they came back two hours later. This time, I was lucky enough to have been playing basketball in my driveway, averting any nasty encounter they could brew up with my mom.
Same question, same answer. Go home.
The next few weeks were a sun-filled broken record. Almost every day, dumb and dumber would harass me about going to the beach. Somehow, they managed to get my home phone number so on the odd occasion that I didn't have the pleasure of seeing Kristi and her friend, I still had to hear her. The weather played no part in their plans whatsoever. I would get phone calls/visits in the pouring rain. Had it been closer to winter, they still would've been calling.
Sometime around this point, something snapped in my brain. I could in theory "use" this girl for anything that my fourteen year old frame saw fit. I'd mull this over on a daily basis and every time Kristi actually showed up, it would shatter the dream. I'm a virgin, but I'm not desperate enough to lose it to a girl sporting a macaroni necklace. Thankfully, sometime around this point, Kristi started leaving me alone. The visits became less and less frequent and I thought that I'd been rid of her. Maybe she got the hint that I wanted nothing to do with her whatsoever and has found a new beau to latch onto and suck the life out of.
One fine, Kristiless day, I'm out mowing my little old neighbor lady's yard. It's hot, I'm not thrilled to be outside, but I'm still committed to doing my job well. In a not-so-out-of-the-ordinary attempt to get pumped up, I've got my shirt off, sweating gasoline flavored tears. Working it. Who of all people should pass by when I'm in plain sight from the road, rollerblading with a dog on a leash? It's Krrrrrrrrrrristi! But hey, I'm not paranoid. She lives nearby and just because I wanted nothing to do with her didn't mean that the seadonkey was banned from the particular stretch of asphalt that ran next to my residence, right? She passes again, thirty seconds later. And again. And again. Cue Jaws music. Rollerblading up and down only half a street while staring at me is a bit oompaloompa. I finally gave up and jumped to the backyard of the lawn in an effort to remain out of sight. The plan must have worked because by the time I came back to the front, my stalker had vanished.
This happened again during the same week when I was mowing our own lawn. However, this time the portion of the lawn I could hide in was already cut. Up and down Kristi went, her beady eyes fixated on me. I checked the pockets of my cargo shorts for a milk bone or a chew toy or something I could throw at her to leave me alone, but came up empty. Unnerved enough by the whole ordeal, I finally broke down and found my younger brother.
"Hey Jordan!"
"Yeah, whaddaya want?"
"Can you take over for me on the lawn? Kristi's out there again...."
"Oh, you mean Psycho?"
"Ummmm, yeah. So can you?"
"Sure."
My stockier blonde brother with the budding bitch tits scared Psycho away. He missed a few sections of the lawn, but I had no problems taking care of it afterwards. She left me alone for the last few remaining weeks of summer vacation.
Until school started.
My first day of eighth grade was going smoothly. Collecting syllabi, meeting old friends, seeing which girls had made the jump over the summer to having boobs. That kind of stuff. The last bell of the day rings and I walk quickly to my new locker. I spin the combination lock to the left, make a full rotation to the right number and finally nail the last number. The green metal clangs as I fling open the locker. Something catches my eye. A neatly folded piece of paper floats down from somewhere near the top of my locker to the bottom edge. I unfold the note to reveal some glitter and pictures of hearts around the looseleaf border. Hastily scrawled with a pencil, my love note reads something like:
"Dear E.J.,
I miss you! We never get the chance to talk anymore.
I miss going to the beach and playing basketball with you.
We need to hang out more often. I can't wait to see you in
school. My phone number is XXX-XXXX. Write me back!
Love,
Kristi"
...
...
...I'm just wondering how she knew where my locker was when I could barely find it myself.
Kristi and I have been married for four years and are expecting our third child (our first girl!) this February!
I'm sorry, that was a terrible lie. I never saw her again other than in passing after the note. Crazy womens.
User Reviews
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 08:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-18 18:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go Captain Morgan.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-26 06:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Vorknkx (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:17:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a woman stalking me. Consider yourself lucky.
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Bless your cotton socks, TIE Fighter boy.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-26 04:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well written, but the ending could have used more "punch".
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-26 04:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:34:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
not quite Pentameter, but still pretty good. """
At this rate Pentameter will be getting the Jack McCallum Award of Over-rated Writer.
Fair play to her though she isn't a cock about it.
Submitted by Faidel (user info) at 2005-10-25 23:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, and loved the style.
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2005-10-25 23:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I'm a virgin, but I'm not desperate enough to lose it to a girl sporting a macaroni necklace .......... [Until], One fine, Kristiless day, I'm out mowing my little old neighbor lady's [lawn]. It's hot, I'm not thrilled .... but I'm still committed to doing my job well .... I've got my shirt off, sweating gasoline flavored tears. Working it."
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-10-25 22:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well written, but you shoulda schtooped her!
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-10-25 22:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Had one of those myself, she used to follow me around the yard while I cut the grass...my mother called her my little puppy dog
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-25 21:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A decent story, I liked it. I could tell that the story was long enough that even you were losing interest by the end. But you had me hooked, I read it and enjoyed it.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:49:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:39:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pointless and long... But well-written. Have a two.
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Get a little bored with it at the end there?
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Sorry, I'd started writing this the day before and then got really busy. I wasn't "feeling it" when I started up with it again today but I figured that the longer I waited, the worse it would get.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, I think all guys had one of those around junior high, high school.
Submitted by Vorknkx (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a woman stalking me. Consider yourself lucky.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:49:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:39:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pointless and long... But well-written. Have a two.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:39:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pointless and long... But well-written. Have a two.
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Get a little bored with it at the end there?
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well written. I hated it.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pointless and long... But well-written. Have a two.
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it... Can definitely relate.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit man.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're too good for this site.
The ending could've used some touching up, though.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It takes balls to step up to Pentameter's plate.
But this was good. Nicely done.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pointless and long... But well-written. Have a two.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than me by leaps and bounds.
Well told...I love stories like this.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not quite Pentameter, but still pretty good.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-10-25 15:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I certainly didnt read any of it, but I bet it's funny.