Human Gravy Train (674 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saffron (View user info) at 2005-10-25 17:47:10 EDT
I live in The City. The City has a non-unique, necessary evil know as MUNI, a city funded, privately held, piss poor run, public transportation system. You know the drill, anyone with a dollar, no matter how marinated in their own urine they may be, has the right to hop on board and nap peacefully while their garbage bag of other feces and lice laden items sits next to them. Ancient Chinese women, smelling heavily of moth balls and rotting cabbage, with their required 2+ pink plastic shopping bags chitter endlessly in a dialect that makes ones teeth itch. There is no air circulation and all of the windows are shut tight as you traverse, underground, in a sweat box, unsuccessfully trying not to touch anything for fear of the human gravy covering every inch of the place in a visible smudge of cold germs, sweat, snot, semen, urine and a variety of things you just do not want to put further thought to. Bonus points for the days a total stranger cops a feel, using my breast as a push off point as they stand and / or I get to witness someone masterbating. To sum up, MUNI sucks.
My morning trek begins near the start of the line, commute direction. The platform is only about half full but the push has begun and people have entered into that " Me first" haze. Screw that noise. Another train is waiting to pull into the station & it will be empty, thus, seated goodness for me.
I manage to get one of my favorite seats - a single chair sitting at a 90 degree angle from the others. There's even a good looking gentleman in a very nice suit standing in front of me reading the Wall Street Journal. I open my book.
About 2 stops in, the train has reached capacity. It is wall to wall humanity pretending that no one else exists; noses buried in books, headphones set to deafen. I hear the familiar air crackle that says, "something bad is about to happen", and become aware of Good Looking Man in Suit. I don't think I had more than a seconds eye lock with him before he dropped to his knees, threw one arm around my leg, shoved his thumb in his mouth and started screaming, " Momma!".
It's amazing to me how a random group of people can move in unison one step backwards on a moving train that seemed to capacity not a moment before, leaving a 4 foot radius around me. Noting the absence of chivalrous aid, and having been through more than my share of wonky human behavior, I smack Good Looking Man in Suit on the head with my paperback making a satisfying cartoon "thunk" sound as the train is pulling into the next station. He looks up at me as I stand, looking vulnerable and sad. I crack him again, this time on the hand as I'm trying to make my way to the door, a full grown adult attached to my leg. I am suddenly outside of my body, looking in and trying not to laugh my ass off as I drag this Good Looking Man in Suit up the train aisle. Finally, in a fit of desperation, I yell, "Bad!" and crack him in the head again. He finally loosens his grip and I make my escape.
I live in The City and I am a Weird Magnet. If there is someone in the vicinity getting ready to go 'round the bend they are within arms reach. I remind myself of this every week as I pump $35 worth of gas into my car.
Surprisingly, this was not the incident that drove me to drive.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axtumanu (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And one more!
Submitted by Axtumanu (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For making me laugh my ass off at work while on the phone.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-28 21:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by LamRoKi (user info) at 2005-10-28 21:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-26 11:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not quite sure what to say about this,
except "bad" was the best one liner you
could possibly have used.
funny stuff
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-10-26 05:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ah, public transport. I once watched an aboriginal couple beat the shit out of each other on the train for 15 minutes. I think the woman eventually won.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-26 05:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, funny etc...
I have, however, decided that you are a cruel person.
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-25 22:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mommy? Mommy? MOMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-10-25 22:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-10-25 22:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Incredible.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-25 19:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" Bonus points for the days a total stranger cops a feel, using my breast
as a push off point as they stand and / or I get to witness someone
masterbating. To sum up, MUNI sucks."
------------------------------------------------
"Everybody had a good time, everybody had a wet dream."
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In time you will come to realize I am no where near clever enough to have made this up. This actually happened to me.
Isn't humanity grand.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I first saw this title, my brain read 'Human Daisy Chain', and then I got all flaccid as i actually read it...but you tickled my coupe fourree, so good on you~!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe you for even .032 nanoseconds that this happened.
But you wrote your lie so well... how can I resist a +2?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY I FUCKING LET GO DID'T I?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-10-25 18:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-25 17:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's cute, you should have kept him :)