Septem Capitalis Peccatum 1 of 7- Luxuria (372 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Starving Ethiopian (View user info) at 2005-10-25 22:55:23 EDT
Green eyes.
Piercing green eyes.
Piercing green eyes with the intensity that would make a lesser man flinch.
Piercing green eyes that one can fall into if they were not careful enough, eyes that are constantly searching, probing for your deepest and darkest secrets.
Those almond shaped eyes were set in an exquisite face, its delicate features offsetting the eyes' intensity. Auburn hair flowed gracefully down to her shoulders and random wisps of it waved in front of her angelic face.
She was gorgeous. A siren whose toxic beauty made men lose their composure and women seethe with envy. She was the Helen of Troy of the modern age.
She took a sharp breath as a pair of arms wrapped itself around her waist, its hands slowly moving up and gently cupped her beautifully formed breasts. Lips found its way to her neck, kissing it, then slowly moving its way down to her shoulders, punctuated by a quick bite. Fingers expertly undid the buttons one by one on her blouse. She slowly twisted around to face him and at the same time slipped off her blouse, which landed with a soft *thud* on the wood floors.
He too had piercing green eyes, eyes that were alive with passion. He was ruggedly handsome, with raven colored hair and a chiseled face. They stared deeply into each other, one pair of eyes locked onto the other. Then, without warning, their lips were instantly locked in a frenzied embrace. She took a step back momentarily and with a growl, pushed him onto the couch.
As he laid there, she removed her bra and slipped off her skirt, revealing that her modus operandi for the day was commando. Without hesitation she proceeded to straddle him, hands frantically removing his shirt, exposing a body resembling that of Atlas. She ran her fingers slowly down his chest, feeling the muscles ripple beneath her fingers. Her fingers wandered down to his stomach, taking its time to feel every ridge and line of his abdominal muscles. Her luscious lips wasted no time exploring every part his upper body, her tongue tracing every line of his physique.
Smiling coyly, her delicate fingers removed his belt and unbutton his pants, the belt making a *clang* as it fell to the floor. She begin kissing his stomach and progessively made her way down.
Her eyes were fixed on his as her teeth gripped his zipper and slowly opened his pants, revealing his bulge. She gave it a quick kiss as her hands reached to the top of his pants and pulled. For the most obvious reasons, he obliged.
She felt him harden as she held his cock in her hand. She opened her mouth and slowly brought it close. It was within millimeters of her pouty lips when she ever so gently, exhaled.
He closed his eyes and moaned.
Satisfied with the amount of torment she has wrought, she closed her lips around his member.
Her tongue flickered expertly around his head as she savored the taste. She was startled for just a moment as she was suddenly lifted into the air and was laid on the couch. His body was soon on top of hers, his mouth aggresively kissing, nibbling, and sucking at her soft flesh. His nosed picked up a soft scent of lavender as his tongue drew haphazard lines across her entire body.
Her breasts were in perfect proportion to her athletic body. The soft and fleshy mounds accented with perfectly formed nipples. His tongue traced circles around her areola, followed by placing his entire mouth around her nipple. His hands seemed everywhere at once; Along her inner thighs, caressing the sensitive skin under her breasts, gently stroking her curvaceous ass.
He slowly made his way past her breasts, past her flawlessly flat stomach. In an act of vengeance, he purposely skipped what should have been next and focused his efforts on her creamy inner thighs. Her breathing got shallow as he mercilessly teased her by moving his tongue towards the sweet spot and then quickly moving away. Then, without warning, he placed his lips directly on her labia, his tongue exploring what laid inside as her juices flowed into his mouth.
She tasted like strawberries.
His tongue alternated between being inside her and massaging her clit, with his fingers making a cameo appearance.
It was her turn to moan.
The session continued, both experiencing the intense carnal pleasures that they have created. It was several hours before they were finished, their sweaty bodies laid motionless next to each other under the soft satin sheets.
15 minutes passed in silence.
30 minutes.
45 minutes after, he got up to dress. She escorted him to the front door in her bathrobe. They exchanged a quick kiss and made plans to see each other again this week. She walked back into the living room to pick up her discarded garments and by the time she looked up, his car was already gone. The only clue that hinted at what had went on were two pillows that were laying at the foot of the couch. Yawning, the siren headed to the bathroom to shower.
He pulled into his driveway, got out of his car humming a tune, and walked at a lively pace to his door. He stepped inside the entrance and hung up his coat. Feeling a bit hungry from the festivities, he wandered into the kitchen for something to eat.
"Hi, honey," she said. "How was your day?"
"I think it just got better."
Smiling, she walked up to him and gave him a deep kiss.
"Mmmm, you taste like strawberries."
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-26 00:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another for taking my criticism so well. I'll keep an eye out for your next one.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-26 00:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a cool idea. You could really make it neat if you sit and give it some good long thought. I was talking with my stepdad and mom the other night about the seven deadly sins... I think 'sloth' and 'wrath' are my personal ones, but I think wrath, at times, can be a good thing. Not sharing a belief really in a God who will dole out wrath as I personally see necessary makes it appear so. On the other hand, I cannot rationalize sloth. That's just indicitive of what I percieve as a larger problem in our society. As a society, I think the human race in the 21st Century, expecially in America, is most caught up in gluttony, greed, and pride. These are our national sins.
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-10-26 00:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS-
Thanks for the feedback. As you may know, the english translation is "seven deadly sins." with the first one being lust. To tell you the truth, I hate writing "erotica" but the concept of doing 7 short stories based on the 7 deadly sins intrigued me. Not really writing it to get hits but more to get constructive feedback (like yours).
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-26 00:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, I'm going to be brutal...
First of all, with a title like that, not to mention the fact that you have a number in there as well, you might as well smear a turd on it while you're at it, cause you're not going to get many hits. Uber doesn't like to be challenged and cannot be arsed to go google the latin to discover it's secret meaning. It's just the nature of the animal you're dealing with here. It's marketing. That was you're first mistake.
Second mistake: you used the word 'eyes' 7 times in the first 5 sentences, the first 4 of which were incomplete sentences. I'm all for breaking some writing rules and pushing some boundaries, but there's a point there pushing boundaries is simply retreading all-too-familiar terrain.
Third mistake: not so much as mistake as a pet peeve. "She took a sharp breath as a pair of arms wrapped itself around her waist..." In this sentence, while it might be grammatically correct to say 'a pair of arms wrapped ITSELF', it just sounds clunky as hell. If you want to push some boundaries, I suggest you change 'itself' to 'themselves' so you don't have a reader going: "What??? Where the hell..."
Fourth mistake: "She slowly twisted around to face him and at the same time slipped off her blouse, which landed with a soft *thud* on the wood floors." If you can reproduce the sound of a...ahem...'gentle thud', I'll...I'll...do something that in no way involved sexual favors, so forget that right now!
Fifth mistake: "As he laid there, she removed her bra and slipped off her skirt, revealing that her modus operandi for the day was commando." Really? And where exactly would the 'modus operandi be located? Is that anywhere near the spleen? Seriously, this is the point where your english teacher is burying her head in her hands wondering why she didn't take that job with the Peace Corps. Just because it makes sense in theory doesn't mean it's going to flow and make sense to an audience. Be more selective in your word choice. Invest in a thesaurus and keep it with you at all times. Expand your vocabulary a little, and you won't have to go out on a remote limb to pin down what you're trying to say. Also, more times than not, simplicity is the best policy. Don't use words randomly just because you know them. Make them count! Make them work together!
Sixth mistake (am I really still counting???): "Without hesitation she proceeded to straddle him, hands frantically removing his shirt, exposing a body resembling that of Atlas." This sentence is just struggling. It's placid and dull and regimented. There is no poetry in it whatsoever that might befit the activity. First of all, in sex, there is no such thing as 'proceeding' to do anything. If you're 'proceeding' to do anything during sex, even if it's to get the towel afterward, then you're clearly not doing something right. Second of all, if he has a body resembling that of Atlas, don't just TELL us what his body resembles, paint us a picture! Tell us he has the body of Atlas, then show it to us with language.
Seventh mistake: "She ran her fingers slowly down his chest, feeling the muscles ripple beneath her fingers. Her fingers wandered down to his stomach, taking its time to feel every ridge and line of his abdominal muscles." Read that back to yourself out loud. See the problem? No? Then read it again out loud. Now see? You notice the word 'muscles' is repeated? This is not only unnecessary, but it impedes the flow of a piece when you repeat words in close proximity to one another. It gives it a redundancy that, unless that's what you're going for, is a bad thing. Change the word 'abdominal' to 'abdomen', and drop 'muscles'.
I'm gonna stop here, but you get the point. Overall, the piece simply lacks passion. It reeks of an author who failed to truly put himself in the moment and FEEL it. If you don't feel it, you cannot expect anyone else to either.
Judging by this piece of writing, you are probably a sophmore in high school...maybe a junior. You are beginning to write more, which is a great thing, but you have a way to go. My main suggestion is get a thesaurus and keep it with you at all times. Also: read read read! Learning comes much easier when we see how something SHOULD be done.
Keep writing. Don't stop. And don't be discouraged by what I've said; instead, take it and do better next time. I'm not gonna rate you negatively because you seem to be trying, which is more than I can say for a lot of the people around here.