The unexpected truth about Minyard's (914 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew "ajanssen" Janssen (View user info) at 2005-10-26 04:38:49 EDT
As much as it pains me to do so, I admit I was wrong about Chip. Chip is a manager at the Minyard's market where I work. I'd always perceived him to be a vicious, coldblooded man. But recently I've found out the kind of pressures he's under, and I'm starting to forgive him.
Everything became clear to me and slowly made sense the day the lights went out in the Southwest. I was working outside that day, pushing carts around. Union rules say six carts at a time. According to the union we're only supposed to push six carts per trip. Chip and the union don't exactly see eye to eye.
I overheard Chip talking to a cart boy once.
"Get all of them goddammit. Every cart on every trip. I want to look out on this lot and see lost, snot-nosed brats, wealthy customers, and double-parked cars, but I better not see any fucking shopping carts."
So when you pull up at our store, you'll see a kid just above four foot tall pushing three hundred carts. If you look closer you'll see that he's crying. That's cause Chip threatened his entire family. Threatened to starve them out, make them leave town.
"Yeah, but other stores would sell to us though. You couldn't just pick up the phone and make it so we don't have groceries." the kid retorted.
"Are you sure about that, Danny?" Chip replied. "Are you absolutely sure? Are you willing to take that risk? You've got a baby sister that's gonna need some formula this evening. You really want to roll the dice?"
I was outside that day bringing in carts when Chip drove up. He was in a big black Suburban with darkly tinted windows. Three other men were with him. They parked in a hurry, slantwise across three handicapped spots. Chip leapt from the drivers side. The other three men were running to catch up. They crashed through the door like asshole teens about to try out a fake ID. Out of curiosity I followed them into the building. Chip rushed right to the intercom.
"Attention customers," he bellowed. "can Lavernia Servillia Custlebrockmorton please report to the service desk, we have a long distance call from your sister."
Everyone who worked in the store knew he was speaking in code. For one thing Minyard's market would never accept a long distance call, they're just too Jewish for that. For another thing it was Chip on the intercom, so it had to be important. Chip never uses the intercom. He has an assistant for that kind of thing.
I ran to the nearest cash register and picked up a code book. All the employees in the store were doing the same thing, looking up Chip's message. I found it on page 24.
POWER OUTAGE IS QUICKLY APPROACHING. MANAGER TO ASSUME TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY AND COMPLETE AUTHORITY. FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE EMERGENCY THERE WILL BE A TEMPORARY SUSPENSION OF ALL LAWS, INCLUDING THOSE OF NATURE AND MAN.
We all headed towards the service desk. We were hoping for a miracle. Chip was going to be our miracle.
You two..." Chip was pointing to men who worked in the loading dock. "You two are going to buy ice. Buy all you can. Bring it to me here. I'll be right here. Everyone, I'll be right here. If you have any questions or suggestions during this emergency come to me here."
"Shawn, does the store have an emergency generator?"
"No."
"Then go upstairs and write a request for one. Backdate it by at least a week, sign my name, and then send it to headquarters."
"You..." he was pointing at Linda, one of the checkout ladies.
"Yes." she said.
"You go to the back room. Get anything bulky, like those hundred pound bags of dog food and start barricading the front of the store. I want a wall of Alpo Gravy Train across the front of the store by noon."
"I'll do what I can." She said.
She started walking back to the storage area. Seeing her walking I thought it might take her till noon just to get to the back of the store. You see, Linda is 94. With cataracts and a plastic hip. She'd started working in the store during the Harding administration. She weighs about seventy pounds and she's always bent over like she's checking her shoes.
"Is there someone here from the meat department?" Chip asked.
Three-fingered Bob raised his remaining hand.
"Go to the shelves and reduce everything by one and a half percent. We've got to sell some of this shit before it spoils. Don't accept shipment of anything perishable. Turn your freezers up as cold as they'll go and start making ice. Put all those bottled waters into the coolers."
"You got it, boss." Three-fingered Bob replied. He too, ran towards the back of the store.
I worked up the nerve to raise my hand.
"What's going on?" I asked when Chip pointed to me.
"Power outage all across the South. I'm sure it's related to events in the Middle East. We're going to be ready. We're not going to let insurgents get their hands on the South." he said.
About the time his speech came to an end, the men he'd sent for ice came up to the desk. "We bought 110 bags." they said.
"Good work." Chip told them. "Now put all that ice in the Igloo coolers."
"Put it back?" they said.
"Where'd you get this?"
"Over from those coolers."
"Not from us, you fucking idiots.!" Chip said. "Leave our store and go buy ice from other people."
"Oh."
"Aren't we panicking a bit early?" I asked.
Chip glared at me. "Don't you remember the snow warning last October? September 4th... when one TV station predicted six tiny inches of snow and we had all hell break loose? Weren't you checking at that time? Remember the man with the tires?"
I did remember. I was working lane two. A man came barging into line pushing old ladies out of the way. He had coffee, beer, pork rinds and two snow tires. I called over the intercom, "Price check on snow tires. Price check on snow tires." No one called me back.
"Where'd you get these?" I asked him.
He pointed out the store window, pointing to my car. "Off that Jeep."
So yes, people can overreact and they always overreact at the market. That lady that beat her kid with her jellies? That was at a market. The LA riots? All happened in a market. They hanged Mussolini in a market. Jesus tore things up and beat people, and where was he? A marketplace. Stores bring out the worst in people, no doubt about it.
"So Chip, what's the plan? Are we going to close up?"
"No." Chip said, "But we must take precautions." He looked around. Most of the checkers had been given assignments. He looked at me. "Drew, can you be trusted?"
I didn't know what to say. I just nodded my head one time.
"Then come with me." he said.
We went into the little room. The room where they go to count money. Chip opened the safe and crawled in. I followed.
It was dark inside. We crawled about fifty feet, the floor of the tunnel slanting down and down. At the other end of the tunnel we stood up. Even before he turned on the lights I could tell we were in a very big room. I could sense it was gigantic. I could tell by the sounds. Chip hit the light switch. The room was even bigger than I'd imagined. To my left there were racks of guns. Rifles. A couple of heavy machine guns. Far off behind the racks there were shapes. Tanks. Four tanks were down here in the big concrete bunker.
"Drew. I know at times over the past few years you thought I was being petty. Like following Steve into the men's room and asking him if he was on break that one time. Or all those times I asked you button your shirt pocket. That time I made you take your belt off and re run it through because you missed one of your belt loops. I know there were times you thought I was being a petty tyrant and you didn't know I had a reason. Drew, I had a reason. He gestured. His arms opened and he showed me his violent toys. Drew, I'm not just a manager at a grocery store, I'm in charge of safety for everything west of the Mississippi."
"I knew it was something." I said. "I just knew an intelligent man like you wouldn't be a petty tyrant unless he had a good reason."
We hugged.
"I'm so sorry." I said.
"About what?"
"About the keys," I said, "about not wanting to give you the keys to my house. I always opposed your key exchange because I didn't see how it was necessary. I didn't want to give you the keys to my house in exchange for getting the keys to the video drop box. I just thought that was silly. I mean after all, they're MY keys. They go to MY house."
"Now you know the real purpose. It's so we can go and rescue your family. Your pets. Bring your treasured items into the store where we can make a last stand. Where we can defy the forces of evil."
"I see now. More clearly than ever."
We stayed in the basement and cleaned a few rifles. Chip counted the grenades. He tuned into a radio station and we found out that the blackout in the South was caused by an equipment failure. We weren't going to have to attack the rest of the known universe.
We crawled back up to the store.
Linda had two big bags of dog food piled by the windows. The ice from the Igloo coolers was melting and people were falling down in isle six and seven. Steve was in the men's room. Chip had to call off the emergency.
He got on the intercom. "Attention customers," he said, "can Lavernia Servillia Custlebrockmorton please report to the service center, we have some bad news concerning an escaped bear and your grandchildren."
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to come back to this one, not forgotten Drew.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great work, but needs a better title.
Submitted by Donnefan (user info) at 2005-12-14 18:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was actually pretty great
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 15:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tip fucking top Dres, please write more stuff like this! 3 Fingered Bob from the meat department. Man that shit gave me snot bubbles I laughed so hard.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-26 14:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE EMERGENCY THERE WILL BE A TEMPORARY SUSPENSION OF ALL LAWS, INCLUDING THOSE OF NATURE AND MAN.
""
Fucking brilliant man!
HOOK 'EM HORNS!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-26 12:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+ umpteen
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-26 12:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the part where the employees bought ice from the store.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-26 11:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed aloud three times. I laughed so hard once I couldn't breathe.
THIS is what you're good at.
"Linda had two big bags of dog food piled by the windows. The ice from the Igloo coolers was melting and people were falling down in isle six and seven. Steve was in the men's room. Chip had to call off the emergency."
Beautiful.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-26 11:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*chomp*
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-10-26 11:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-26 11:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this should be getting more attention.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-26 09:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty is right, you can only go downhill from here.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-10-26 09:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn man, you really need to write more often.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-26 09:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:43:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:28:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
the title does this piece no justice.
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Agreed, you should repost with another title, it only has 16 reviews, do it now before it gets too many more.
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That's cowardly. If he does that we shall send top agents from MI6 (Fabit and Nath, aka 'Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men') to 'git' him.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:28:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
the title does this piece no justice.
----------------------------------------------
Agreed, you should repost with another title, it only has 16 reviews, do it now before it gets too many more.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOOK EM HORNS
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the title does this piece no justice.
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got radio reception in a bunker?
Either you had a crappy bunker, or this story is bullshit.
(Amazing)
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-26 08:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-26 07:00:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to quote something here but there is just too much goodness in this story.
Best peice you've done Drew, really it is.
I'm submitting this for B@W, yes its that good.
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Seconded.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-10-26 07:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Is there someone here from the meat department?" Chip asked.
Three-fingered Bob raised his remaining hand.
====
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-10-26 07:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is about as ridiculous as Texas being #1.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-26 07:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to quote something here but there is just too much goodness in this story.
Best peice you've done Drew, really it is.
I'm submitting this for B@W, yes its that good.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-26 06:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
About the time his speech came to an end, the men he'd sent for ice came up to the desk. "We bought 110 bags." they said.
"Good work." Chip told them. "Now put all that ice in the Igloo coolers."
"Put it back?" they said.
"Where'd you get this?"
"Over from those coolers."
"Not from us, you fucking idiots.!" Chip said. "Leave our store and go buy ice from other people."
"Oh."
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This was all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-26 06:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should hook up with apollo when he finally moves out there.
You can show him your gun and in return he may let you take a dip in his pool.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-10-26 06:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was absolutely fucking awesome.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-26 06:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome in every sense of the word.
Good work Mr Drew
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-26 06:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Is there someone here from the meat department?" Chip asked.
Three-fingered Bob raised his remaining hand. """
hehehehehehehe.
this was brilliant.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-26 05:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarity turned into liquid, mixed with melted chocolate Jesus, turned back to solid, crystalised, powdered and then presented on the tits of Venus.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-26 05:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you'll see a kid just above four foot tall pushing three hundred carts. If you look closer you'll see that he's crying.
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This is the funniest thing you have ever written. In fact you may have peaked.
This could be the funniest thing you will ever create.
Heavy.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-26 05:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm too tired right now to pretend i can understand this, but something tells me my fatigue is only part of the problem
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-26 04:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid