Randon Acts of Vandalism (762 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.58 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrSeussman (View user info) at 2005-10-26 18:44:49 EDT
Little boys growing up in suburbia always seem to have that one friend who always seems to have something fun to do or some new way to get in trouble. My buddies name was Steve.
Even in junior high he towered over most other boys, just one of those tall lanky, red-haired, pale complexioned goons most girls would slide to the other side of the hall just to avoid. But he was my friend, and totally fucking crazy. His mom (never knew where his dad got off to) worked two jobs to support him and his sister so she was never around.
Growing up we got into all kinds of trouble, with our parents, the police and even the fire department. The fact that neither of us ever ended up in juvenile hall or jail is a miracle. Well this story comes when we were both about 13, and fucking bored shitless.
Having a few eggs in the fridge and nothing better to do we figured on egging a few houses of people we hated and set off to create some nice yolky destructiveness.
We start walking down the alley separating the houses, and most of these yards just had chain link fences. It was not uncommon for us in our destructive natures to simply jump from yard to yard to yard going over fences. Even the big 6 foot variety.
We found the target. The house belonged to this nagging old biotch who was always yelling at us for riding our bikes on her sidewalk. The fucking sidewalk?? It was the middle of the day during the week and most adult folk were at work so we felt pretty confident no one was going to see us. Because of various crap in her yard we had to jump the chain link fence to get close enough to hit it. All went well until the first egg hit the house. The dog inside started barking like a fucking beast from hell and scared the shit out of us.
So we ran like little girls being chased by the little brother with the dead raccoon. Steve made it over the fence no problem, but as I went to climb over that fucker my footing slipped and I fell. Right on top of the fence. Right on top of the severed metal piece of chain link that forms that sharp little X at the top. And one of those sharp little spears when right into the head of my dick.
Still fearing the hell beast being released I just pushed myself back up and kept running all the way back to Steve's.
When I got there he says "Where the fuck were you man I thought you were right behind me?" With a little laugh I say I got caught on the fence and look down to show him the hole in my jeans and that's when I see the blood. A LOT of blood.
Freaked out I ran into the bathroom and cleaned up best I could and then basically wrapped my perforated little smoky in as much toilet paper as I could and still zip my jeans. Steve just laughed his ass off the whole time, yelling things through the door like "man think about it that could be cool, you could write your name in the snow twice at the same time!" BUAHAHAHA, red haired little fucker. Shit I was really worried I might.
As a matter of fact I was so worried about that particular scenario I didn't piss for two days! To add insult to injury someone did see us and told our folks about it. Grounded for two weeks and shiat. No big deal it was the start of the summer.
User Reviews
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 20:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Professional_Peon, well sadly no, not even a scar to show for my troubles. But according to several women I've dated I have the biggest willy (and hardest) of any they have dated. TOOT TOOT. I've never had any complaints and using it is what I live for.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to know.... Is it permanently swollen? Cause that would be HOT!
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah not even a scar to show for my pain sideshow, pity.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work. Too bad about the peener though, I a assume it turned out okay?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-10-26 22:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anticlimactic but entertaining.
Two bags of chicken pakora to go, please.
Submitted by Pullmystrings07 (user info) at 2005-10-26 22:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. I 'm growing up in suburbia, and my partner is mischief is named Stevin.
What a coincidence.. +2 fjust for that.
I met him through boyscouts.
He makes Clorophorm is his back yard.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, you got yourself a good name.
Dr. Seussman. Worth a chuckle.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah and Schlongy, thanks for all the points. Being the noob I am it's very appreciated.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy.....cool, I like the word myself. Should have known you knew who it was though. Yeah I especially liked him in Aliens 2.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah...I knew it was Kelly LeBrock...and I knew she was married to that a-hole Seagal.
I just like saying "broad".
Bill Paxton went on to much bigger and better things after his role as "Chet".
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:06:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
If it's "Weird Science", I never liked that movie that much.
Except for the broad.
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It is indeed and her name is Kelly LeBroc. She was married to Steven Segal till he fucked the baby sitter. Dumb ass that he is. You might be the only guy I ever met who has more useless movie trivia in his skull than me.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-26 21:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If it's "Weird Science", I never liked that movie that much.
Except for the broad.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:17:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
Title fuck ups are a bitch. I thought you could have played with this a little more, maybe stretch the plausability for a few giggles but thats just me.
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Yeah they are especially for noobs, I haven't written, well anything really, in a long damn time so just starting to get back into it. Thanks for the feedback. I promise to improve.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:04:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
The weirdest thing just happened to me.
"Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?"
No...
"Why am I the only one who has that dream?"
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OutFUCKINGstanding! Real Genius rocks, I actually own the DVD. Ok man here's another one you will probably get.
"Do you know what time it is Wyatt?"
Umm 2?
"It's time to pay the piper. That's it Wyatt, I'm telling mom and dad everything. I'm even seriously considering making up some shit!"
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
kinda boring.
nice title fuck-up though.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Title fuck ups are a bitch. I thought you could have played with this a little more, maybe stretch the plausability for a few giggles but thats just me.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks CookieLass and I still say name the dog Thadius (Tha-dee-us)!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-26 20:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The weirdest thing just happened to me.
"Was it a dream where you were where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?"
No...
"Why am I the only one who has that dream?"
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-26 19:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
what the hell man you cant even egg a house without getting caught and impaling your penis!
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-10-26 19:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OUCH!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-26 19:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, because I did the same thing with my last post.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-26 18:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR! YOU SUCK AT TITLES!
I feel for you man. Have a +2
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-26 18:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD DAMMIT, I put the whole damn thing in Word and spell checked and then blew the damn subject line. My bad all.