The testimonial I SHOULD have given, DAMMIT! (7964 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.61 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrSeussman (View user info) at 2005-10-27 00:57:20 EDT
Not long ago I did a testimonial for a product I found online. Well actually I did two testimonials, one that I thought was pure fucking marketing brilliance, and another that I thought they might actually use. (For you sick bastages that want to see the "made for the internet testimonial" and pictures here you go http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html )
The product was basically super colon blow, for those of you who remember the old SNL skit, essentially the same thing. I even went so far as to take pictures of this event, you know for posterity, yeah right that's it. Fucking gimme a break you sick fuck you just like taking pictures of things that come out of your ass.
Anyway here we go. I've been taking this putrid crap for over a week now and let me tell you my stomach has been doing the serious dip and roll. I feel like an extra on the movie set "The Perfect Storm". The idea of puking seems like a gentle caress of endearment at this point. A little self imbowelment to exorcise the beast in my gut sounds like a good thing at this point. I bet I could shit the titanic at this point if my sweet virgin ass could handle the exodus.
Linda Blair has nothing on me I tell you, NOTHING. She's a fucking amateur in my book. My farts smell like death incarnate and my stomach sounds like it's making plutonium. My cat was sitting on the sofa next to me when I farted and he stood up, arched his back, hissed like I was the anti-Christ and then fell over dead. Poor fuzzy bastard, I'll miss him. Good thing I got two cats huh? So on to the goodies and pictures provided. I hope all you visual whores enjoy them.
At this point I can't take a shit without having a mask on, my dumps smell like liquid ass (see http://www.gizmodo.com/gadgets/home/liquid-ass-its-not-perfume-116765.php ) and look like the soul of Satan. If one can imagine what the soul of Satan actually looks like.
ANYHOO, it's day 14 and I swear on all that's holy I've been impregnated by an alien species. Today I actually shit out my older brother's troop project from Boy Scouts. He made this trippy looking little leather necklace made out of arrowhead shapes. Yeah I ate the goddamned thing, back in the day. What do you want? I ate freaking bugs too; I was a little kid gimme a break!
I thought maybe I could clean it up you know, give it back to him as a gift. He might appreciate the nostalgia. "Hey bro I found this the other day and thought you might appreciate getting it back." "Hey cool my old arrowhead necklace! How come it smells like liquid ass?" "Yeah, well the dog ate it; I thought baptizing it in FeBreeze might get rid of that, sorry."
Ok folks we are in day 21 or so and I swear I have lost over 15 pounds of ungodly, unholy, unrecognizable sludge. Unfortunately I let loose of an incredible fart again, this one actually bowed the windows of my apartment. My 15 year old cat, the one who survived virtually every catastrophe (pun intended) looked at me for a split second and I could swear I read her thoughts. "WHY ME YOU SICK FUCKING ASS?" Then as the other one did, fell over and died, ALA feet up all cartoon style in death.
Now I look like a god damned Ethiopian I have lost so much weight. Undigested red meat you say, my incredibly sore ass I say! I have, NO SHIT, already shit my own cow....8 chickens....a pot bellied pig...and a fucking midget. Who by the way came out screaming about worms being in the pits of hell and was very glad to be "in the light".
Yes folks I said worms, and I'm not talking about them night crawlers we all use for fishing and whatnot, I'm talking about them big giant fuckers Kevin Bacon was fighting in Tremors. "Wang ain't getting this for no 15 dollars I'll tell you that". To say I crap scarier stuff than that at this point would be a mute point.
Ok last post because...I just...can't...go on.....ICK this is some nasty shiat. Alright I did actually have my last good "movement". You ever see that movie Sin City? You remember that really sick twisted fuck that was all yellow that Bruce Willis killed? Well take a look; he actually was a conceptual idea from my colon. Yes that's right folks you saw it here first. An actual Hollywood actor based on my colon, (here it is http://www.drnatura.com/picturegallery/ct_0106_5.html ) if you want an autograph just ask me to sign your shit.
Anyway nothing more exciting came out of my ass after this point. I guess it all came out. Well there was one little thing that came out but it's not much. In my opinion this product rocks and everyone should try it. Here's the last of the pictures of the things that came out of my ass. Here ya go http://bbw-pictures-fat-chicks-plumper-movies.bbw-sex-movies.com/bbw-pictures-fat-chicks-plumper-movies/images/p09.jpg . Toodles!
User Reviews
Submitted by JohnnyMac (user info) at 2006-10-20 19:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no Idea what to say to this.....
It's original...I read it all, both facinated and horrified.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-21 17:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Write something new instead of trying to whore this out.
You get a zero for that.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-07-21 17:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus H. Christ.
http://www.drnatura.com/picturegallery/vt_04.html
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-07-20 23:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
VOTE AGAIN DAMMIT!
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-07-20 23:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
VOTE
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-07-20 23:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THIS SHIT ROCKS DAYAMIT!!! VOTE FOR IT FUCKERS!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-23 15:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-23 14:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*barf*
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-23 13:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all i wanna know is why is the "fecal matter retrevial device" a spoon? i mean, dont you have bio-industural tongs or something? a spoon? thats just a hop-skip-jump away from a fork and knife,,, and thats well, disturbing.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-23 12:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I wish more people would read this, I thought it pretty damn creative and funny!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-07 10:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nasty man.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-11-08 06:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Money.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-07 21:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually I just started it 3 days ago, the original testimonial was given by the real gentlemen from the actual website.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-07 08:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So is this product worth it?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-05 19:53:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm working on another that hopefully will be equally funny!
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah ... I laughed.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:28:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:06:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this two days ago, and I am still laughing.
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Hey thanks man! It was my first real post of any worth so I'm pretty proud of it. I hope to have many more for your viewing pleasure in the future.
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this two days ago, and I am still laughing.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 20:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:03:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck everyone is staring at me!
I laughed so hard I popped a tit.
==============================================
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not one of the girls!!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck everyone is staring at me!
I laughed so hard I popped a tit.
Submitted by malbin (user info) at 2005-10-31 01:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Moot point, btw.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poat more stuff like this. It was quite funny.
Submitted by Sterculius (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard my sides hurt. Thanks a lot, dickhead! Hahahahahaha!
:)
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-27 08:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-27 01:43:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to crap out stuff like that.
how much is this shit?
(har har punny)
AND
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-10-27 01:55:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit this thing made me roll around in laughter!
Are you serious though, does this stuff work? Or is this a joke?
I shit only once every 4 days, and it is the most horrible feeling in the world. If this shit works I'm down!
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I don't know if the stuff really works or not. I happened across this wonderful little brown nugget of information while surfing the other day and just couldn't get the pictures out of my head. SO, I ordered the stuff and the twisted side of me is really hoping to have some equally disgusting experiences with it. I bought a two month supply and it ran around 100 bucks. Should be in the mailbox in a couple of days.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-10-27 02:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those pictures are fucking terrifying!
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-10-27 02:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
effectively gross but not particularly funny. Plus you didn't establish the fact that it was a sort of journal very well (skipping from "it's been 14 days" to "21 days in" or whatever).
I just didn't like it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-27 02:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG BECAUSE PROBING ASS AND SHITTING ARE THE SAME THING
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-10-27 02:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get
it over with.
Kang: Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can
teach us.
Treehouse of Horror VII
Completely relevant quote.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-10-27 01:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit this thing made me roll around in laughter!
Are you serious though, does this stuff work? Or is this a joke?
I shit only once every 4 days, and it is the most horrible feeling in the world. If this shit works I'm down!
Submitted by smoke_in_my_lungs (user info) at 2005-10-27 01:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! Had me "lol"ing.
That woman has a 10 pound pussy.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-27 01:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to crap out stuff like that.
how much is this shit?
(har har punny)