Killing children is a no-no, but suicide is hilarious. (824 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.82 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jollydodger (View user info) at 2005-10-27 04:47:16 EDT
During my 8th year as an advertising creative we got a job in to do a commercial for a large dairy company. It was for a particular brand of custard. Hey great, I thought, this should be fun. So after a few hours I came up with a brilliant idea that went something like this:
__
Two fat German kids named Hansel and Gretel, dressed in lederhosen, are skipping through the forest when they come across a gingerbread house. There, the wicked witch tries to tempt them inside with sweets. But they're wise to this game. Hansel says, "Ve are not falling for that vun again you old vitch! You are just vonting to eat us!"
They're just about to skedaddle when the witch whips out two bowls of this fantastic, yummy custard. The temptation is too much and the kids go into the house with the witch. Who cooks them and eats them.
__
It was genius I tell you. Breakthrough! Totally unexpected for the category! We'd shoot it Tim Burton style. It was gonna rock.
The client hated it.
For some reason the idea of a child double-murder, with some inference of cannibalism thrown in, didn't sit well with them in an ad about desert. Typical client cowardice if you ask me. Bunch of meat-puppets trying to cover their own asses.
I tried to soothe their concerns. "Granted, it's dark humour", I told them, "but we'll play down the killing and eating thing. We won't actually SHOW that. We'll just allude to it. Maybe with a maniacal cackle as the witch closes the door behind them or something like that. The audience will put two-and-two together."
Stony Silence.
They wouldn't budge. The ad was flat-lining. No amount of CPR, heart massage or shots of adrenaline was going to bring it back. It wouldn't be coming home this Christmas.
Dejected, I returned to the office and slumped down in front of my computer. They were gonna pay for that. As God as my witness, they would pay.
I reached for the keyboard and typed in this little lovely:
__
The commercial opens on a spoon with a noose around it's neck looking sadly at a bowl of bland-looking pudding. The spoon sighs, hops off the edge of the table and hangs itself. Thus ending it's short, spoony life. The announcer says "Desert doesn't have to be boring anymore...try new blah blah custard".
__
It was beautiful. Better, it was sarcastic. It was like raising a giant middle-finger to the middle-management marketing drones at Giant Dairycorp INC who wouldn't know a good idea if it crawled up their assholes and gnawed their liver in two. The client would bomb the ad, but at least I would have made my point. I marched it over to my boss' office and gingerly dumped the steaming turd on his desk, being careful not to get any on me.
Satisfied that I had done my civic duty and avenged my dead idea, I did what all diligent advertising creatives do. I went to lunch. The martinis flowed like beer. We all gathered around as I told everyone my little funny. And we laughed. My, how we laughed. Bill from IT laughed. The blue-haired junior art director laughed. John, the alcoholic DTP operator who never talks, even he had a chuckle.
When I got back to the office at, oh around 4pm, I was greeted by my smiling boss. "Great news", he informed me, swirling his vodka and tonic, "I sold that ad of yours to the client."
"You sold what?" I stammered.
"That ad about the hanging spoon. (slurp) Fuckin' funny. The client laughed his tits off."
"No no, wait," I pleaded. "You can't have sold it. Go back and un-sell it!!"
"Un-sell it? Can't, it's already sold. Client thinks it's hilarious. They've approved a budget and everything."
The horror. This can't be happening. The one time the client works up the balls to approve an ad, no questions asked, and it's a fucking, cock-sucking joke ad! Somewhere, in a white, cloudy place in a sortof soft-focus, a big guy with a flowing white beard was slapping his knee and wheezing. I shot a hateful glance at the ceiling and murmered "Don't worry, it'll die in research."
Research is a killing field littered with the remains of ideas good, bad and otherwise. In research ideas are tied to posts and blindfolded while little old ladies with shopping lists take pot-shots at them with opinions. Whole firing squads called "focus groups" line up to blast ideas into oblivion. None come out alive.
Except my little hanging spoon ad. Oh no. My ad sprinted up the touch-line, handed-off a few old ladies, deftly side-stepped a hundred other opponents and scored in the corner.
When we finally went into production on the ad, I sat down at a meeting and said, "it's an ad about a spoon that commits suicide. Does nobody have a problem with that?"
Apparently child killings and cannibalism are big no-no's in the world of desert toppings, but suicide? Suicide is hysterical.
The ad got made. It hit the airwaves with a dull, wet thud. And about 3 seconds later the phones started ringing. It rapidly gained status as the most complained-about ad in the history of the region. You would not believe the calls I received.
"My son hanged himself and your ad made me cry."
"Your ad encourages children to hang other children. And some small pets."
"I'm an INXS fan and I find your ad offensive."
"I'm a spoon-rights activist and we're slapping your ass with a class-action law suit."
Blah blah. Whinge whinge, bitch, moan, cry. My son died...boo hoo. What is it with people? So we made an ad about a spoon that kills itself. SPOONS ARE NOT ALIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. And by the way, your son killed himself because you're a freak who thinks spoons can die and probably force-fed him the bible seven days a week and tried to suppress his latent homosexuality. Your son killed himself because of you, not an ad. In fact you should be calling me to apologise.
To anyone who saw the hanging spoon ad, I'm sorry, it was a joke. Please don't kill yourself.
User Reviews
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-04-19 11:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-10-28 21:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that you mention it, when my mom killed herself, I laughed hysterically.
Submitted by LamRoKi (user info) at 2005-10-28 21:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-10-28 05:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The INXS line sealed it
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw this movie, it was about a bunch of retards who wrote ad copy - so are you Dudley Moore, or the tard who drank the whole can of Hawaiian Punch?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-27 16:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But those Kelloggs bastards can get away with humanizing Pop-Tarts and Eggo's and then imply their messy death? The whole system is outta line.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when you do something sarcastically, or as a joke, yet it some how is very successful and people think you are a cunning genius. But that ad is over the top. Rock on.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-27 10:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks mom.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-27 10:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, YOU are the one who created that ad? You rule. You are my God. +2's for life, nigga!
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-10-27 09:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm an INXS fan and I find your ad offensive."
can I say B@W?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 08:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR SUICIDE!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-10-27 08:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh, spoons...
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-10-27 08:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
evil bastards the lot of you.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-27 07:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha. Yeah right! Like I'm gonna click a link to some pic of a geriatric cockfest! Like I'm that stupid.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-27 07:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anthything that can hold my attention for
more than 3 seconds at this point must be great
and this is.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-27 07:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, 2 good first posts, one more and you will have graduated to non-noob, and your account will be upgraded with the ability to create alters and your choice of joining any uberclique you'd like.
go here to upgrade your account - http://www.lemonparty.org
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-27 07:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
then find it, you lazy lazy adman
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha. thanks dave. sorry, no link. I did that one a while back. would take me a while to find it.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a Retard.
-Dave
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:44:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
"To anyone who saw the hanging spoon ad, I'm sorry, it was a joke. Please don't kill yourself."
I didn't but I want to.
No Interweb link?
-Dave
-----
Sorry should have been +2.
-Dave
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty damn good.
Almost as good as a night out in a titty bar. Almost.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"To anyone who saw the hanging spoon ad, I'm sorry, it was a joke. Please don't kill yourself."
I didn't but I want to.
No Interweb link?
-Dave
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha... I want to do what you do.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*applauds*
You ever heard that saying "so and so's alright if you know them"? It's a genius way of calling somebody a cunt. I'm going to use it more often.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the first ad much more...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think both your ads were hilarious. The second even more so than the first.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If i saw that ad, i would buy that custard. Then hang myself.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-10-27 05:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I swear every word of it is true. Except the part about the INXS fan, that's a lie.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-27 04:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope this is real... If it's not don't tell me... Things like this make me chuckle. :)
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-27 04:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok.