How Drew solved a crime (756 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew "ajanssen" Janssen (View user info) at 2005-10-27 09:15:49 EDT
Drew came home to find his canker-sore of a wife had invited her loathsome friends from church to read the Bible and praise the Lord.
"Halleluja, Praise Him!!" they would holler, loudly, at varying, badly timed intervals. Either that, or "Praise the Lord, Amen!"
Both their vehicles had bumperstickers on them, with shit like "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" and "What would Jesus do?". What would Jesus do? I'm not sure, but I bet he wouldn't have bumper stickers. Somehow I envision him in a beat up El Camino. There was even a graven image in the likeness of Virgin Mary on the dashboard of his wife's small Toyota.
Mrs. Janssen had at least 6 copies of the Bible, one was even in French just in case Caulaincourt happened to stop by for Bible Study. She went to church every Sunday, dragging her husband with her, and she would appear at every bingo, every bazar and every small gathering outside of church that promised some Bible reading.
And she would never turn on the TV except to watch the "Gospel Channel," where she would watch all the congregation fleecing preachers, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Swaggart and Robert Schuller. And she would donate money to all.
The Janssens were in dire financial troubles because of this. When Drew told his wife about it, he got the same answer as always: "If the Lord wants us to be bankrupt, then bankrupt we shall be."
Amen.
Drew figured the good Lord couldn't care less about anyone's financial position. But Drew cared deeply about his. A month or two of the same, and he'd have to sell the house to pay the bills, because his wife had donated all the money to "a greater cause."
This would have to stop. And Drew knew just how: he was going to introduce his wife to the Lord in person.
During the night, when she slept, he awoke and strangled her with a rope. He then dragged her body to the garage, stuffed it into the trunk of his car, and drove off into the night, armed with a shovel.
Far away, in the wild, he dug a hole deep enough so the animals would not get the body. It was almost daybreak when he finished filling in the hole.
But as he did, he could hear voices from over a hill. He looked over it, and spotted two men talking behind a big black car. They had just finished burying something, just like himself, and were loading their tools in the trunk of the car.
He wondered what they could be doing there, far from town. What could they have buried? As they drove away, he went over there to investigate. He dug up what they had buried, and when he found it, he smiled to himself.
They had been burying a body, just as he had.
It was a middle-aged man in a suit, a large stain of blood on his chest, and on top of the body was lain the murder-weapon: a small 25-caliber handgun. Drew thought it over a while. He then decided to go back to town, and anonymously tip the police through a payphone.
Sure enough, the police easily found the body, because he had not bothered to fill in the hole again. And they found the gun; and because the killer had not bothered to wear gloves when he fired it, his prints were found on it. Due to his rather eventful criminal history he was quickly apprehended and found guilty.
To escape the electric chair, he blew the whistle on a very widespread criminal organization, putting many men deservedly behind bars. The crime rate in the town went down noticeably afterwards.
Drew's wife however, was never found. There were strange rumors of her stepping into a big black car in the middle of night, but they were never confirmed. Drew feared his deed would be discovered during the investigation of her disappearance, giving him the appearance of grief for the duration of it.
Nobody ever suspected him.
It would be a year before he got over it, but in time he accepted being alone. To this day he is frequently heard saying: "God works in mysterious ways."
User Reviews
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-12-15 20:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It seems that you're gone from this site, as I am.
If you ever return, a tribute to our legacy: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81060
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-04 18:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Offset.
Submitted by dooawop (user info) at 2005-12-04 17:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck You.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-11-28 21:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
he's been... busy
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-11-27 22:11:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, where the hell have you been since I came back? You aren't mad, are you?
Check out my 100k post.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-28 23:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actual true real life dialogue:
Drew: "I don't think Scott Petersen killed nobody."
Lindsay: "WHAT!? Drew, you're CRAZY! How can you say that?"
Drew: "I just don't think he did it!."
Lindsay: "OK, Drew, how. HOW can you not think he's guilty?"
Drew: "He looks like good people."
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly Drew.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus built my shotgun
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-27 13:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just knew you were a cheese eating, butched in aggie cell gangster.
:P
Besides that it was a very nice story.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good tale.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-27 10:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice as usual. Typical Drew humour.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 10:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus does drive an ElCamino!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-27 09:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking bumper stickers for Jesus...how bloody tacky. My personal favorite? My boss is a Jewish carpenter. Nicely written post.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-27 09:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just love stories about murderin'.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-10-27 09:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment