The Answer Man: Need Advice? Ask Someone Who Gives A Shit (39650 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 168 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2005-10-27 10:58:35 EDT
Somehow, I have become the person that many come to for advice on everything from car trouble to relationships and everything in between. While I appreciate people's problems, I also generally have no knowledge of the questions of which they ask, and that bothers me.
Before you say, "Gee Average_Dan, why are you such an arse, LOLZ!" please, I pray you, give me a chance to explain:
If I were to have a question in the medical field, I would ask a doctor, nurse, or at least a janitor at a medical facility, not an Engineer/Bartender/Journalist.
If I had a question about a problem with my car, I would ask an Auto-Mechanic, Body/Paint Specialist, or at the very least a dyke in flannel, not an Engineer/Bartender/Journalist.
Are you starting to see a connection here?
Apparently the people that have come to befriend me, have naught this sense of intuition. I know this because regardless of the amount of crippling advice I offer, in a lame attempt to stop the incessant barrage of ridiculous questioning, much like a burning case of the herp, they just keep coming back.
Now, I would just say, "I have no idea, maybe you should ask someone that is in that field", but that would be admitting lack of knowledge, and that's a road I am not fond of traveling down. The words, "I don't know" have never escaped these full, luscious lips.
I would like to share with you a couple examples of really bad advice I have offered those unfortunate enough to seek my council:
Example 1:
John: Dan, my girlfriend is...
Me: Punch her.
John: You haven't even heard what I was going to say.
Me: Ok, continue.
John: My girlfriend hasn't been coming home at night. She is constantly getting calls and visitors at all hours. When I ask her what is going on she tells me to shove it, and laughs with her friends on the phone when she tells them about it whilst giving me dirty looks.
Me: And, is that it?
John: Yeah.
Me: I was wrong with my initial reaction.
John: Oh, so what should I do?
Me: Well, the way I see it, you need two things at this point. An '82 Fleetwood brougham and a damn good lawyer.
John: What?
Me: Trust me, get those and meet me at your house in a half hour.
I haven't seen or heard from John since that phone conversation. Moral: Don't ask the biggest misogynist in the land for relationship advice.
Example 2:
Jenny: Dan, I've been receiving some complaints about the smell of my...you know, down there, what can I do?
Me: That's disgusting.
Jenny: Come on, please just tell me what I should do.
Me: Ok, here's what you do. Get to Pracilla's Playroom on Broad, and find the biggest, black, oscillating, vibrating dildo money can buy.
Jenny: What? Why?
Me: Because after I tell everyone that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company.
I haven't heard back from her yet either, but I think the moral was well taken. Moral: Don't tell Dan about your smelly genatalia, go see a doctor.
Example 3:
Jimmy: Dan, I know this is going to sound weird, but I was getting a blowjob earlier, and I forgot to tell my girlfriend that I was about to splooge. Long story short, I jazzed in her eye, and it's been all red and nasty ever since. What can I do.
Me: Bring her over right away.
Jimmy: Why, what are you going to do?
Me: I'm going to have her reenact the events that led up to the accident.
Jimmy: Yeah, and then what?
Me: And then the very least I can do is shoot some child chum in the other eye to balance things out.
Jimmy: What man?
Me: Yeah, I would just hate to have my girlfriend walking around looking all asymmetrical like that.
They didn't come over, but they too had a lesson to learn. Moral: Unless you are offering the services of your girlfriend, don't call me with details of your latest follies in fellatio.
Example 4:
Derek: Hey Dan, my car has been making this god awful clicking sound whenever I start the motor, and yesterday it started smoking on the way home.
Me: When was the last time you changed your oil?
Derek: Uh, well, they usually send me a letter when it gets to be that time.
Me: Did you go to the post office and have your mail forwarded when you moved?
Derek: Oh shit, no.
Me: You moved over a year ago.
Derek: Yeah I know, haha.
Me: It's cool, here's what you do, fill up a liter bottle of water, and dump it in the oil tank using a funnel.
Derek: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, it's sort of like the coolant tank, you can get by for a while with just putting water in it instead of adding pure oil.
Derek: Yeah, I think I've heard that somewhere before.
I haven't talked to him in a while, but I did see him driving a new car yesterday, the strangest thing is, he was flipping me off. I guess some people just have no appreciation. Moral: I don't give a shit about your car.
Example 5:
Leah: Dan, my boyfriend is drunk again and he just smacked me in the side of my face with a sack full of nickels. What should I do?
Me: What? Get the fuck out of there and leave him.
Leah: *sigh* I can't just leave him, it's more complicated than that.
Me: What the fuck are you talking about? He just hit you right?
Leah: Yeah.
Me: So ditch his ass!
Leah: But, I think he's just going through a tough time, and maybe if I stick around he will get better. I can change him.
Me: Oh, well why didn't you just say that in the first place.
Leah: Yeah, it just slipped my mind, you know, head trauma and all.
Me: Right on, well, it looks like you have this one all wrapped up and you don't actually need any advice.
Leah: Yeah I guess I'm OK- wait, OH GOD!! EARL, NOT THE VACCUM CLEANER HOSE AGAIN!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
<click>
She is in a half-way house now from what I hear. Moral: She was a fucking retard, don't be one of those because they aren't very smart.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:24:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're kind of mean.
=====
HHAHAHHAHAHAHA
irony.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're kind of mean.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh it's nothing to do with you. You're free and clear.
It's just the afterscent of the cock armor that I tend to wear when dealing with the public. There's nothing quite like a steel codpiece keeping your junk safe. But man does it make you sweat.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As uberwife, I demand an apology for those implications.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't "EW" this, Lishy.
Average_Dan rocks the stink OFF my hangdown. OFF.
No longer with the scent of horseback, rusty iron and menthol bloom its potent boquet for the public to enjoy. Dan takes that clean off my bonerboss and into his velvety mouth.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:07:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
EW.
===
hey, he's YOUR hubby.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EW.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-31 00:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-30 23:58:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Average_Dan rocks the stink right off of my hangdown.
===========
"stink"? "hangdown"?
Are you following me, Otron?
HEY ANSWER MAN
answer this:
Do I really want to know the answer to any of the above questions?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-30 23:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Average_Dan rocks the stink right off of my hangdown.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-30 23:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nerrrrd
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-03 18:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Answer Man: Need Advice? Ask Someone Who Gives A Shit (32336 hits)
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-10 01:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The Answer Man: Need Advice? Ask Someone Who Gives A Shit (31610 hits)
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
broke 29000 hits!!
w000000000000000000000000000000000000000000t!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-31 21:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is wunnerful, wunnerful stuff.
Submitted by Godless_dave (user info) at 2006-03-16 23:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by concerthead (user info) at 2005-12-10 00:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think you give awesome advice. hahahaha
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-06 22:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! I'll stop bringing out the dancing purple hippo once a week now {crossing fingers} and I don't lie.
Submitted by Snuffleupagus (user info) at 2005-11-28 00:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"these full, luscious lips"
Just for that.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-25 21:02:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-24 16:42:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
Yay. But it's all fake fake fake. Actually, there is only about one percent of the people posting here that have a life, and the rest are faking it and posting their pseudo- experiences. Well, I can't say I'm of the 1%...
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It's all real, not that it translates into me having any sort of life though?
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-24 16:42:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yay. But it's all fake fake fake. Actually, there is only about one percent of the people posting here that have a life, and the rest are faking it and posting their pseudo- experiences. Well, I can't say I'm of the 1%...
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-11-21 05:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-11-15 21:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-15 07:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-15 07:24:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:08:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Because after I tell everyone that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company.
-----------
I'm not going to be a homo-gay and type the initials, but I laughed out loud when I read that shit.
Good post.
----------
Is that tantamount to a double negative or are you refering to Gay squared?
good post Dan
-------------------------------------------
AHAHAHAHAH, Homo-ghey makes me laugh!
Thanks Fab!
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-15 07:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:08:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Because after I tell everyone that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company.
-----------
I'm not going to be a homo-gay and type the initials, but I laughed out loud when I read that shit.
Good post.
----------
Is that tantamount to a double negative or are you refering to Gay squared?
good post Dan
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-11 19:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-11 18:47:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with teh Uber, answer man?
---------------------
There are 3 possible answers.
1.) We're all gonna diiiiieeeeee!!!!!!
or
2.) That bastard won't answer my email
or
3.) The prediction that the O-Man came out with (shennanigan pie) is coming true!
I hope for the sake of my sanity, it's not #3!!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-11 18:47:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with teh Uber, answer man?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-11 18:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dear answer man,
When I have no Uber I start to feel homicidal. Though this may be wrong I can't help myself. Luckily this is never a problem. Uber is always there for me. Oh, wait, what is this....?!
OH NOES!!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-08 15:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
10,000 hits and 140 reviews...you greedy bas-tahd.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-07 10:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-11-07 06:54:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you already have a few sex slaves thanks to this post.
Want another one?
-----------------------------------------
I hope you aren't just teasing me Ally!
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-11-07 06:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you already have a few sex slaves thanks to this post.
Want another one?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-11-06 21:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking priceless.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-11-05 14:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-11-04 05:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed my ass off.
Submitted by KillerAngel (user info) at 2005-11-03 03:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun Time. I'm the advice guy as well, but I usually actually try. I think I'll start doing what you do, it seems easier.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-03 03:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 23:04:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:45:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
i looked at that picture just as the "FUCK YOU I WONT' DO WHAT YOU TELL ME" part of Killing In The Name Of came on. pret ty cool.
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Hell yes. Now that song's in my head.
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Anansie,
I want you in the worst way...
...which is of course standing up in a hammock.
We got some number crunchers out there going, "Yeah, someone is definitely going to get hurt that way."
Sorry, had to continue the quote. Anyways, Good fucking post.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 16:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you're swell too Sideshow!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-11-02 15:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Good stuff. I like your style.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 13:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YAY!!
Nerfherder came out to the party!
Thank you kindly sir.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@WESOME.
Submitted by the_grendel (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 07:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank You Kindly Mr. Fluff!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-11-02 06:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on b@w!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 23:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:45:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
i looked at that picture just as the "FUCK YOU I WONT' DO WHAT YOU TELL ME" part of Killing In The Name Of came on. pret ty cool.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hell yes. Now that song's in my head.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anansie,
I want you in the worst way...
...which is of course standing up in a hammock.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-11-01 22:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-11-01 20:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomecore
Submitted by FluffDude (user info) at 2005-11-01 20:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome that was pure funny. but there is something that you should change. nothing. you now what i think i just pissed my pants. please tell me. can i fly. please dont lie to me just tell me. can i or can i not fly. thanks. i knew i could.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:45:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
i looked at that picture just as the "FUCK YOU I WONT' DO WHAT YOU TELL ME" part of Killing In The Name Of came on. pret ty cool.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hell yes. Now that song's in my head.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:33:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OH NOES, YUR HURTING MY RATING SWAMPY!!
It's on B@W asshole, like I really give a shit what you think.
Submitted by MrHappyPants (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:18:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrHappyPants (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:07:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
die
-------------------------
What the fuck cockbreath...take it back!
____________________________________________
No. Die now.
PS - You care way to much about your ratings, assface.
Submitted by MrHappyPants (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:07:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
die
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's what you do worm, I have done it many times before, so don't call it failproof, but it should work:
Tie a frozen chicken neck to some kite string.
While shes sleeping, dangle the chicken neck directly over the affected area so that the crabs can "jump ship" if you will. After they have all tranferred locations, take the infected piece of meat and save it in the freezer for later use.
YOu never know when she may become your ex, and you can just put them back where they came from.
ALWAYS KEEP A BACKUP PLAN UBERMENZ!!11
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How do you tell you special lady that her crabs are blocking the passage of your Hi-five (think roman numeral 5).
Thanks, advice man!
Worm
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 14:52:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure,
I could do that here, but it would be easier if you would come over so we could study.
You see, it's hard to properly explain buckling of a triangular truss when you can't put the diagrams. If you would kindly send me your email addy, I can send you some .gifs and applets that I put together for the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-01 14:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Dan, can you tell me about finding forces in members of trusses given one or two forces acting on it?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 14:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:50:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
An '82 Fleetwood brougham
---
heh. For the trunk space.
I like the cut of your jib, young man!
----------------------------------
I'm glad someone caught that.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 12:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cocoa Puffs!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-01 11:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheerio.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 11:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-11-01 11:02:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan, why does it hurt when I pee?
------------------------------------
Do you remember that night that we went to the "red light" district, and you refused to use
a condom....?
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-11-01 11:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan, why does it hurt when I pee?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 07:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-01 00:48:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
AVERAGE_DAN, I NEED YOUR HELP.
I've made quite a few posts here, and realised that I don't HAVE to have my email by my name. Then I was like, "Hey, what if I just put my website there instead."
e.g.
forthewin (crosshatched.whitebrookfarm.com/kthx/kthx.html)
Would that be a bad thing? Or would I get stoned or something? Do people dislike it when you have a long name by your posts? No one else has their website by their posts, why is that? Will it throw people into voilent -2 frenzies?? PLEASE HELP ME.
-----------------------------------------------
You can do it if you want, the question you have to ask yourself is: Do you really want people from Uber to have access to your email addy and such. That's why people use pen names, to keep weirdos like me from getting thier personnal information. You can find a lot of stuff out by someone by just having thier email addy.
All I'm saying is, do it if you keep all of these considerations in mind. You wont be looked down on for it, but ProfessorFuckFace might show up at your house one day to rape your mother.
DO IT AT YOUR OWN RISK!!
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-01 00:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AVERAGE_DAN, I NEED YOUR HELP.
I've made quite a few posts here, and realised that I don't HAVE to have my email by my name. Then I was like, "Hey, what if I just put my website there instead."
e.g.
forthewin (crosshatched.whitebrookfarm.com/kthx/kthx.html)
Would that be a bad thing? Or would I get stoned or something? Do people dislike it when you have a long name by your posts? No one else has their website by their posts, why is that? Will it throw people into voilent -2 frenzies?? PLEASE HELP ME.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
deff B@W-worthy.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:01:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty sweet...congrats on B@W!
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-10-31 17:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm bored. Have a review.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2005-10-31 17:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A biomedical engineer would know a lot more than the janitor.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about Average_Dan
User id: 20007
Registered on or around: 2005-06-24 15:46:23
# Messages posted: 38
# Reviews written: 1543
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 976
# Hits: 20044
Average rating of all messages: 1.22
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BTW everybody, my hits just passed my User ID, which is a big deal in this day and age.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:45:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
i looked at that picture just as the "FUCK YOU I WONT' DO WHAT YOU TELL ME" part of Killing In The Name Of came on. pret ty cool.
=---------=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-
This is why I love you, right here Timmy!!
Please come to Ubercon Greenville on Jan 6,7,8. We can cause mass havoc!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i looked at that picture just as the "FUCK YOU I WONT' DO WHAT YOU TELL ME" part of Killing In The Name Of came on. pret ty cool.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you Jack, it's too bad I can't write Horror for shit huh?
*cries because Loki spanked me in grUberfest*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMN. Meant to +2.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Excellent!
Good for you.
Getting on BAW is indeed a great feeling...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43579
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 13:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!! HEAT BITCHES!!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 13:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn you for making me look up "banter"!
It's OK, we can work on that, but I refuse to wear leather boots.
<being stubborn>
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 13:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will if you will.
No really don't, that would be gross. Have you noticed I suck at banter?
Soooo booooreeed... must... eat... brains...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 13:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 13:00:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:58:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:46:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I laughed several times.
-------------------------\
Marry me Kim?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is for suckers but I might let you be my man-slave.
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Whatever you like. Are you going to wear high heeled leather boots though?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 13:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:58:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:46:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I laughed several times.
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Marry me Kim?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is for suckers but I might let you be my man-slave.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:46:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I laughed several times.
-------------------------\
Marry me Kim?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki,
I even have your email:
From: IT
To: All Employees
Subject: T1 maintenence
Body: Bell South will be performing maintenance on our T1 circuits Friday at 5 am. Estimated time of completion is half an hour. This maintenance will require a loss of Internet connectivity for all branches during the maintenance window. During this period, the e-mail server (*******), file server (******), GUI servers (*****and****) and VPN server (vpn.******) will also be inaccessible. The phone system will continue to work during this period, but voicemail will not. This maintenance probably will not affect anyone, but just in case, the IT department would like to warn you that if you happen to be in your office at 5:07am trying to check voicemail or read the news on cnn.com, it won't work.
If there are any questions, feel free to call me
~Loki
-------------------------------------
I do what I can lady! You are welcome!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I laughed several times.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
any thoughts on what I can do to keep Business Objects from locking up when I run a really big query?
I thought about sending out an e-mail telling everyone that IT was about to run a Business Objects update and could they all please exit the program. If I can get them to go for it, I would be the only one running a query and it should run faster, do you think it will work.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
>golf claps<
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:25:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
good post, not sure about b@w though.
----------------------
Maybe not, but I'm not arguing.
Personally, I like: http://www.ubersite.com/m/76048
that better!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good post, not sure about b@w though.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:57:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to be introduced to this fellating post as well. Just to, you know, rate it...?
congrats on B@W.
------------------------
Thank you kindly Mr. Scourge!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:57:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to be introduced to this fellating post as well. Just to, you know, rate it...?
congrats on B@W.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pardon me Mr. Sorrell,
Could you please direct me to the closest post that performs teh oral SeXXors on you, I don't mind seconds.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wasn't really calling YOU a retarded monkey, per se. I just wanted to make sure my review was clear.
It's not that I didn't like it, it's just that it didn't perform oral sex on me. And if I don't receive oral sex from a post, it doesn't get a +2.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, here's my actual review, for the retarded monkeys out there:
-----------------------
Meh. +1
------------------------
Eh....Thanks for clearing that up???!
-retarded monkey
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, here's my actual review, for the retarded monkeys out there:
-----------------------
Meh. +1
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:29:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, I meant to give it a 1, so here's a 2 to balance it out.
----------------------------
That's ok, I'll just pretend that I didn't see the 0 and just read this review.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, I meant to give it a 1, so here's a 2 to balance it out.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:28:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-10-31 11:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-31 10:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHOO B@W!!!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 10:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-31 10:07:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Girlfriend used the last oil sock to wipe the cum from her eyes
after one of my friends tried to give her a salty pirate.
...said he got the idea from some website...
congrats you funny bastard
--------------------------------------
I don't know if you knew this, but there is a variation of the "Salty Pirate" called the "Angry pirate", wherein after janxing in her eye, you stomp on her foot, causing her to grab it and giving the impression that she only has one leg. If she does this whilest holding one eye and yelling "ARRRGGHHH", congratulations, you have performed the "Angry Pirate".
Thank you very much for the Congratulations MTP!
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-31 10:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girlfriend used the last oil sock to wipe the cum from her eyes
after one of my friends tried to give her a salty pirate.
...said he got the idea from some website...
congrats you funny bastard
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:46:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
John: Dan, my girlfriend is...
Me: Punch her.
pissed myself laughing... (any sugestions on how to fix that?)
-------------------------
Try stuffing an oil sock into your trousers to absorb the moisture. As a twofor, the ladies will think you are well endowed when they check out your package, that is, until you turn them into just another disappointed customer.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:46:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
John: Dan, my girlfriend is...
Me: Punch her.
pissed myself laughing... (any sugestions on how to fix that?)
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I feel used?!?
In a good way, of course.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just internetmanfucked you.
Just so you know.
*smooch*
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awwwww...
I'm sorry P_C, I didn't know that you submitted it as well.
CaptainThorns was the only one that mentioned it.
You know I love you Phallic! No one could evar change that.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:16:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't think of me, huh?
Fuck dude, well done. It took me over 100 posts. Live it up.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-10-31 08:58:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations. I wanna get on B@W!
---------------------------------
I just would like to thank all the people that made this happen for me:
BartBart, Captain Thorns, uh....my retarded ass friends that ask me the dumbest questions ever.
I can't really think of anybody else.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-31 08:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Answer Man,
I like to pee the poop stains off my toilet bowl, but there's one on there that won't come off with just a normal stream of urine. Should I keep trying, like a cumulative effect of all my peeing over weeks time will pry it off, or should I give up and get out the toilet brush?
Thanks,
Sad in Sarasota
----------------------
Dear Sarasota,
A real man doesn't own a so-called "toilet brush".
As an alternative, get extra drunk, and push like hell when you piss to get it off.
As we have seen by the forming of the Grand Canyon, erosion can do amazing things over time. If mother nature can carve the land to it's desired shape, I have faith that a mere man can get the bowl sparking white again.
Steadfastness, and determination are the keys here. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. If you have to, lean down to get a closer shot. Also, if you squeeze the peenos slightly, the increased pressure from less volume should have the porcelain good as new.
Sidenote: To save money on the home water bill go by this Little Ditty: If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down.
Sincerely,
Average_Dan the answer man.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-10-31 08:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations. I wanna get on B@W!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-31 08:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Answer Man,
I like to pee the poop stains off my toilet bowl, but there's one on there that won't come off with just a normal stream of urine. Should I keep trying, like a cumulative effect of all my peeing over weeks time will pry it off, or should I give up and get out the toilet brush?
Thanks,
Sad in Sarasota
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-31 08:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:48:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:42:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
----------------------
B@W would make my day...
=============================
Done. You can thank me however you see fit. Twenty virgins would be a good start... :)
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-10-31 08:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Linkwhoring.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 07:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy Sheeeyat!!!
B@W by a n00b!!!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-31 06:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay...B@W.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-30 22:55:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-28 21:28:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I apologize for calling you cocksucker...dipshit.
I didn't know that response was directed at me...because I was looking for some REAL advice that I could use.
------------------------------
Stop it Shlongy, you are going to make me cry.
It was the best advice I could give...anyone fucking with my Ubertime will die a most unfortunate death.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-28 23:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2005-10-28 23:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Straight up. I didn't read it, but props on going to VT. I'm '08 myself. REPRESENT. VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT VT
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was near fucking perfect. You're a nasty bastard, and I appreciate that...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-28 21:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I apologize for calling you cocksucker...dipshit.
I didn't know that response was directed at me...because I was looking for some REAL advice that I could use.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HIGH-LARIOUS!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:00:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:17:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:09:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:45:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet average Dan has a below-average cock.
--------------------------------
Not true. He showed me a picture of it. You can see it at http://www.lemonparty.org - Dan is the one on the right.
---------------------------------
Hey Jeanneee,
You promised not to show that picture!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Dirty cunts, the fucking lot of you!
------------------------------------
AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
*gasp*
*poop*
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:17:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:09:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:45:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet average Dan has a below-average cock.
--------------------------------
Not true. He showed me a picture of it. You can see it at http://www.lemonparty.org - Dan is the one on the right.
---------------------------------
Hey Jeanneee,
You promised not to show that picture!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Dirty cunts, the fucking lot of you!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:48:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:39:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Odd. I thought I was the only one whose friends referred to him by his ubersite screenname in the real world, Average_Dan.
-------------------
No, they do it to me as well. They also say "underscore" Aloud.
----------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa fuck man, priceless.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:39:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Odd. I thought I was the only one whose friends referred to him by his ubersite screenname in the real world, Average_Dan.
-------------------
No, they do it to me as well. They also say "underscore" Aloud.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Odd. I thought I was the only one whose friends referred to him by his ubersite screenname in the real world, Average_Dan.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:09:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:45:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet average Dan has a below-average cock.
--------------------------------
Not true. He showed me a picture of it. You can see it at http://www.lemonparty.org - Dan is the one on the right.
---------------------------------
Hey Jeanneee,
You promised not to show that picture!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:13:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey cocksucker...I asked for an answer yesterday and got bubtka.
What's up with that?
----------------------------
Hey Shlongster: http://www.ubersite.com/m/77872#1663161
It was right above your question.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey cocksucker...I asked for an answer yesterday and got bubtka.
What's up with that?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-28 14:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:45:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet average Dan has a below-average cock.
--------------------------------
Not true. He showed me a picture of it. You can see it at http://www.lemonparty.org - Dan is the one on the right.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-28 13:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was back on Loki's last post, in case you didn't see it.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-28 13:56:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
And can someone explain the giant ex-growth on Beemer's face?
That shit is scary.
Next Halloween I'm going as the fleshy colored patch on Frank Beemer's face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-28 13:54:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
The orange sleeve was designed specifically for Marcus Vick.
It's so he knows to put his left arm behind his back first, when being handcuffed.
He's a fucking piece of shit felon. He'll never be half the quarter back his brother was.
Just like Eli won't.
Sorry Dan. But I fucking hate VT. Bunch of no good thugz.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:45:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet average Dan has a below-average cock.
Mmm... Cock.
-----------------------
Avals,
Is that really necessary? I mean it's not that small! What? I swear!
*cries*
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet average Dan has a below-average cock.
Mmm... Cock.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 01:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:59:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Average Dan the Answer Man,
So I'm having sex with my girl, right? I mean rockin' that shit like I've got voodoo chili running through my veins. The shit's so good my neighbors are having cigarettes.
Anyway, I'm holding back my O-face, and looking down at my lovely dear when all of a sudden I see Bea Arthur's face. And I mean HDTV quality Bea Arthur face, airbrushed to blend with my girl's neck and skin tone.
The fucked up thing? It did it for me! I didn't blow my stack at the sight of her wrinkled quasi-male visage. I just kept right on railroading that heav'nly quim like Captain Lou Albano was shoveling coal into its burner.
Instead I janxed into a potted plant by the bed. Like always.
Man, those baby flowers sure do look a lot like me...
My question is.......should I have thought of Bea Arthur, or Rue McClannahan?
GodDAMN Blanche was such a slut!
Help!
Cheers,
Confused in O-Town
========================================================
Dear Confucious,
Despite popular belief, I have it on good word that Betty White (Rose Martin Lindstrom Nylund) is, by far, the sleeziest of teh bunch.
There are a couple of reasons why
1.) Her tits were the smallest, therefore they hang only to the top of her belly button rather than the top of her knees.
2.) She loves to talk dirty...that's hot.
3.) In her 112 years on this earth, she has fellated the equivalent of one half of the population of Asia Major.
4.) Her avid experience with the male peenos, has taught her much. If she so wished, she could make you shoot a load of boy butter, clear across a four lane highway. I can attest to that.
anyways, hope this helped you out.
with love,
A_D
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 01:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:43:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Mr Answer Man,
I was just smacked repeatedly in the side of the head with a PVC pipe and had my eyes forcibly removed with the aid of WD-40 and a phillip's head screwdriver. I don't feel too well, because several different kinds of drugs, pills, assorted sweets, and a bucket of gravel were all jammed down my throat at the same time. I've been feeling sick ever since. My pee is purple. WHAT SHOULD I DO???
Sincerely,
Some random jackass who's too fucking lazy and retarded to solve his own problems.
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear RJWTLaRTSHOP (random jackass who's too fucking lazy and retarded to solve his own problems),
This is quite a dilemma you have here.
The only thing that I can suggest, is to put your head in between your legs, and try your hardest to kiss your arse goodbye.
Frankly, I'm very suprized that you had the life in you to write this question. Best thing you can do is to wait for the bitter end while masturbating to thoughts of your significant other.
As for the purple pee, I don't beleive there are toilets where you are going, so don't let this bother you too much.
Regrettably,
Average_Dan the answer man
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha funny stuff
Submitted by Sterculius (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Answer Man
You told me to buy a shit-load of coffee futures and they went down like a $1.50 today!
What's up with that?
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-10-27 20:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I gave advice like that.
I'll try next time someone asks me... get rid of some of the retarded people.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Average Dan the Answer Man,
So I'm having sex with my girl, right? I mean rockin' that shit like I've got voodoo chili running through my veins. The shit's so good my neighbors are having cigarettes.
Anyway, I'm holding back my O-face, and looking down at my lovely dear when all of a sudden I see Bea Arthur's face. And I mean HDTV quality Bea Arthur face, airbrushed to blend with my girl's neck and skin tone.
The fucked up thing? It did it for me! I didn't blow my stack at the sight of her wrinkled quasi-male visage. I just kept right on railroading that heav'nly quim like Captain Lou Albano was shoveling coal into its burner.
Instead I janxed into a potted plant by the bed. Like always.
Man, those baby flowers sure do look a lot like me...
My question is.......should I have thought of Bea Arthur, or Rue McClannahan?
GodDAMN Blanche was such a slut!
Help!
Cheers,
Confused in O-Town
Submitted by LamRoKi (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Mr Answer Man,
I was just smacked repeatedly in the side of the head with a PVC pipe and had my eyes forcibly removed with the aid of WD-40 and a phillip's head screwdriver. I don't feel too well, because several different kinds of drugs, pills, assorted sweets, and a bucket of gravel were all jammed down my throat at the same time. I've been feeling sick ever since. My pee is purple. WHAT SHOULD I DO???
Sincerely,
Some random jackass who's too fucking lazy and retarded to solve his own problems.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto bad advice +2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An '82 Fleetwood brougham
---
heh. For the trunk space.
I like the cut of your jib, young man!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Mr. Bubbles,
I'm sure everyone's preference is different, but my trick to filling the bowl completely with
bubbles is to "draw" concentric circles, starting from the outside. When you get to the end
however, there is always that empty spot where it was cut off. A constant search for perfection.
Perfection unattainable, thus, a deep sadness. The story of my life.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Answer Man,
When you're pissing in a toilet, do you ever try to completely fill the bowl with bubbles? If and when you do, do you feel as if you have accomplished something? Me, too.
Sincerely,
EMC
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear "On top of my lap",
Kill the fucker.
That is the only judgement fit for someone who would purposefully hinder, in any way, your
Ubertime.
NEXT!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Answer Man;
Yesterday, while I was out of my office for the day on business, someone unlocked my office door and removed my lap top from my desk...and replaced it with some piece of shit Dell computer, and also left behind a keyboard that has, by my guesstimation, at least 4 years worth of someone's lunch tucked away inside the keys on the keyboard...along with the accompanying mold, mildew and fungus.
This computer, which replaced one of the slowest Laptops in US history, is actually slower - suffice to say, it now takes me upwards of 5 minutes just to respond to some stupid fucking email.
And the speed has totally ruined my enjoyment of Uber. If I can't swing by and drop 12 "-2's" in about three minutes, I have no interest.
I guess MY boss needed my laptop and I am not getting it back
What do you suggest I do? Thus far today, I already bitch-slapped a promotions' assistant. For no reason. Other than she looked at me funny.
Thank you.
Shlongy
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, you're such a dick
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:17:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Leah: Yeah, it just slipped my mind, you know, head trauma and all.
That was killer.
-----------
Great post!
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:39:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanatos,
I can sell you the transformer.
Try the Sam Adams Oktoberfest.
Really? I've been looking all over for a frigging transformer. I didn't find anyone that did about 15kV.
Email me - please - barid61881 on yahoo.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yesssss.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:42:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
----------------------
B@W would make my day...
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This si good stuff. You should do a weekly column.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:21:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:13:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Now I need some advice.....
----------------
Whatever you need katie, the answer is 'yes'.
----------------
Right on! Thanks Dan.
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose eventually you'll just run out of friends. Then no worries!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanatos,
I can sell you the transformer.
Try the Sam Adams Oktoberfest.
Teeph,
I am so sorry to disapoint you with dreams of a cross country train ride.
I am an automation engineer. I design industrial robotics systems.
*wishes I drove a train*
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I would seriously consider asking an engineer about my car.
Unless of course you aren't an ENGINEER engineer, like in undergrad I was a "sanitation engineer."
Or maybe you drive a train?
Dude, do you drive a train? If you do, I will pay you money to take my son and I for a ride. The kid is nuts about trains man. Do you know any good [train] engineering oriented pre-schools I could try to get him into?
Wait, back up. Do train drivers make good money? If not, nevermind, I'll set him up as a pilot. Pilots do pretty well.
Thanks man, talking to you really helped.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok engineer/bartender/journalist
Where can I find a 30kV transformer? Not 30kVA, just 30kV. 120VAC 60 Hz input, 30kV 60Hz output
Which is a better beer: Leinie's Octoberfest, or Paulaner Octoberfest?
Where can I find a newspaper that isn't riddled with errors and bullshit like homeopathy and horoscopes?
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Pricilla's
Damn I miss Richmond
Won't be back until December though
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's freakin funny.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:13:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Now I need some advice.....
----------------
Whatever you need katie, the answer is 'yes'.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leah: Yeah, it just slipped my mind, you know, head trauma and all.
That was killer.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Now I need some advice.....
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Because after I tell everyone that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company.
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I'm not going to be a homo-gay and type the initials, but I laughed out loud when I read that shit.
Good post.
Submitted by the_cole_guy (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid mouse wheel thingy!!
Sorry Dan.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-27 11:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Me: Ok, here's what you do. Get to Pracilla's Playroom on Broad, and find the biggest, black, oscillating, vibrating dildo money can buy.
Jenny: What? Why?
Me: Because after I tell everyone that you have a stinky snatch, you are going to be spending many a nights by your lonesome, and you will need some company"
and
"Me: It's cool, here's what you do, fill up a liter bottle of water, and dump it in the oil tank using a funnel.
Derek: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, it's sort of like the coolant tank, you can get by for a while with just putting water in it instead of adding pure oil"
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man, these two lines absolutely slayed me.
plus fuckin 2 Dan the man.