Cheating Will Get You Nowhere (Part I of II) (1005 hits)
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Submitted by fudgepacknuts (View user info) at 2005-10-27 12:45:36 EDT
In the waning months of my tenure at college, I took it upon myself to not do any work, drink hefty amounts of liquor, and smoke anything that closely resembled marijuana. Looking back, I did a damn fine job at this. Days were wasted in front of television playing various video games (NFL Blitz '99, Goldeneye, Zelda: Ocarina of Time) and watching various sports (Devils '00 Stanley Cup Championship). Nights were spent taking body shots of Jagermeister and Goldschlager off of whichever sophomore piqued my fancy.
Life, in short, was sweet.
Disrupting my collegiate utopia, however, was the ubiquity of exams and term papers. Try as I might, I could not get around these malevolent beasts of burden. Therefore, being the most stalwart and enterprising of procrastinators, I thusly sought outside assistance for my Political Science research paper on...god knows what. I believe it was either the Increasing Influence of Multinational Corporations in the Third World or the Increasing Threat of Incestuous Rape in the Dirty South.
Regardless, and between bong hits, I took it upon myself to seek out the finest in "term paper assistance." After hours of scouring the internet for the best possible resources on the subject matter, I finally settled on a reputable-looking and well-stocked website. The site preached mercilessly about its "low, low prices" and "satisfaction guaranteed." Looking back, I now realize that the time spent researching such a site could have been spent actually doing the required work.
But I was high. And what I was doing made perfect sense.
What was I doing?
I was about to plagiarize an entire term paper from an unknown website for an inordinate sum ($70) of hard earned money. Well, I do assume that my father worked hard for the money he gave me, so it is safe to say that the money was, in fact, 'hard-earned,' but that is beside the point.
I skimmed over various 'study aids' and finally arrived upon a choice. I believe the only reason I chose this one paper in particular was because the title had some semblance of relevance to the topic at hand. I did not read the bibliography (mistake), I did not re-read the paper (mistake), and I actually never fully read the paper in the first place (gigantic mistake).
Two days later, I walked confidently into class, placed the 25-pager on the Professor's desk, and told him "good luck with the grading."
"You're not staying for lecture?" he asked as I walked away.
"No thanks." I didn't even turn to look at the man.
___________________________________________
Fast forward two weeks.....Nyyyyyyeeeeerrrrrmmmm
___________________________________________
"Please see me" written in red ink was not the grade I was expecting. I was expecting an A- perhaps. B at worst. But "please see me"? My heart started to pound a little faster, but I obliged the request and met with my Professor at his office.
"Ok," he said while giving an exasperated sigh. "we have a problem."
My palms clammed up. I held my breath.
"I think we all know that the term paper you submitted was not your work."
I looked down at my clenched fists. Much like a dog after shitting on his master's favorite carpet, my proverbial tail was between my legs.
I said nothing.
Awkward silence.
"So now," he continued "we have to figure out the proper course of action."
I nodded. My elbows were on my knees, hands were tightly intertwined, my eyes fixated on the floor tiles, my lips pursed, my heart in my stomach.
"But first, I have to ask" he added while turning the pages in 'my' paper "did you even read this before you submitted it to me? I mean, I'm assuming you didn't because while it may be an excellent piece of writing, it is the exact same article we read on the second day of our class."
My hands unclenched. My eyes shot up and met his as he said this. My mouth opened, but nary a word came out. I had absolutely nothing to say.
He smirked at me. I was a deer in headlights and he had the audacity to give me the slightest of smirks as if to say "gotcha, you little fucker." And then the most amazing thing happened....he stated to laugh. Hard.
I had no response. My mouth was still wide open and my eyes were fixated on his cherubic 70-ish man laugh at this, the most embarrassing and horrible moment of my life.
"Listen," he went on; wiping tears of laughter from his face. "I know you're a smart boy and I know you're graduating in May. But this is a serious matter and must be treated as such. As you might know, plagiarism is not taken lightly at this institution."
"I know, I am so sorr.."
"Shhhhh" He said, shaking his head while slowly unbuckling his belt. "I know a way you can get around this," he undid his top pants button. "It's the only way I see that you can avoid expulsion," he slowly unzipped his pants "and I don't think you want to be expelled," he stood up "do you?"
"........."
He slowly walked over to me and put his old, fat hand on my nape. Caressing the back of my head with two of his fingers, he repeated, "Do you?"
Shock and awe. Eyes bulging. Heart pounding. Armpits inundated with sweat. Fists clenched again. But no words to say.
To be continued...
Note: I hereby assert that all aforementioned acts in the tale told above are counterfactual and must be viewed as such. Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera et cetera. Memo bis punitor delicatum.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Real men floss with spirit and chew souls!
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-11-01 11:10:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:08:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves more reviews.
AHAHAHAHAHA!!
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agreed
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves more reviews.
AHAHAHAHAHA!!
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...I'm- I'm- I'm sorry, I can't- I don't- ............What?
Submitted by LamRoKi (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That guy is the gayest thing to come to Gaytown since gay.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG - DID U SUK HIZ PENOIS?!?!?!?!11?!11 LOL
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-27 13:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA...nice.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-10-27 13:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
note to self...
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:54:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cheating Will Get You Nowhere (Part II of II): How I Got My Screen Name" ?
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HAHA....we will soon find out. I'll submit part 2 sometime next week.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cheating Will Get You Nowhere (Part II of II): How I Got My Screen Name" ?
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-10-27 12:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF!! I'm not reading all that!!