GrUeberfest 2005: Wall of Death (857 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.3 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-27 13:57:00 EDT
7 p.m All Hallow's Eve
Our group headed out in the usual fashion. We squeezed ourselves into our cars and headed off to a deserted plot of land to park. Whispered rumors had been circulating for some time about a new found entrance to the place we should not go. Being young and knowing everything we headed off in search of the "secret" entrance to Byberry Mansion.
For those of you who are unaware of the infamous Byberry Mansion in Philadelphia it is the stuff of local legends. Although the name suggests it is one single large luxurious building, the compound actually consists of a dozen or more separate buildings. All condemned, all dilapidated. There are only two types of Philadelphia residents, those who have never heard the tales of Byberry Mansion, and those who can tell you horrible stories of things that have gone on there. My name is Amy, and I am one of the later.
Byberry Mansion was shut down in the 80's. Rumors have it that all the residents were not transferred to other facilities, but merely let go, to wander the city streets. I often wonder if they are the homeless men I often see swearing at themselves, begging for money while holding up cardboard signs on Roosevelt Boulevard. They are the ones who are not feared. It is the souls who are believed to still inhabit its grounds that we must be mindful of. Year after year the children of the city take their turn by testing their wits on the northeast's proving ground.
It was our turn.
After we hid our cars out of view of the security and local neighbors, we formed a circle as we huddled together in the cold night air. Everyone shivered, either from cold or from sheer fear. No one asked either way. The large moon hung overhead and cast an eerie glow over everything and everyone.
We went through our checklists as we all tried to prepare mentally for our journey. Everyone made sure to put fresh batteries in their flashlights and had their spare properly secured on their persons. I passed out the walkie-talkies. "Here guys, please be mindful of the channel you are on. I have set them all to channel seven. It appears that the security for the property uses channel fifteen. If you feel you are in over your heads feel free to ask them for help. Just remember you will most likely be arrested and I have no money to bail anyone out. So make sure you are absolutely positive you aren't just freaking out before you cross that line.
As the eldest in the group I volunteered to record our journey with my video camera. I'll be dammed if I'll risk giving it to someone else just to have them drop it when they decide to run away. My camera was my baby. Anything that can see in complete darkness is cool in my book. I had gone as far as to strap it tightly to my right hand with an extra strap in the event I chickened out and ran I would not loose it.
"Listen up chickenshits! Anyone who wants to back out better do it now. I REFUSE to spend the evening running you guys back to the entrance. Any takers?"
Everyone stayed put and looked around at the others in the group.
"Alright then, this is how we are going to do this. We have twelve of us, so for those of you who are drunk or stoned to do the math right now, that means four groups of three. We can also do three groups of four; I personally don't care either way. Just remember the golden rule, stay together. We have all heard the story about a classmates' friend's cousin's neighbor who went off on her own and was never seen from again."
Jenny chuckled nervously "Amy, that's just a story."
"I understand that, but it came from somewhere, that girl might not be dead, but I'd rather not be the next urban legend so don't any of you go wandering around by yourselves, and for the love of God if you see something try not to freak out."
Jake, Dave and Joe the resident stoners were giggling to themselves. "What the hell is wrong with you guys; could you not be straight of a half an hour?"
The three looked at each other and then back to me. "Well, I sure as fuck don't want to be stuck with you guys, so I guess four groups of three it is." Jenny & Jackie came with me. Ann, Mya, Denise decided it would be best if the younger kids all stuck together, so they went with Cindy, Jeff & Paul.
We decided to take the 'secret' tunnel to the property. It wasn't that is was so much a secret, it was just waist deep with water and God knows what else. We could be assured that there would be no security patrols or homeless psychopaths to deal with.
The tunnel had us entering the building closest to the main road on the south side of the compound. We quietly made our way to the first floor. Out the window we could see the security trailer was parked about fifty feet from the building. Thanks to the cover of night and the lack of interior lighting we went unnoticed.
Due to the lack of upkeep the buildings were all run down and unidentifiable, all old building markers gave way to the stress of time. Only a few rooms remained easily identifiable. Rooms like the auditorium, cafeteria, church & morgue were obvious, but most rooms were old personal quarters containing rusty bed frames, mold ridden mattresses and pieces of bedpans.
The stoner group decided to hang out in the morgue while we continued down the hall. It has been said by many who visit here that the spirits are very easily upset. Tales of faraway screams or church music playing are the early indicators of agitation. One group of kids heard quiet voices telling them to stop as they tagged the chairs of the auditorium. Stories like these are the reason kids like us come here.
The younger group decided to check out the church and our groups went their separate ways. Jenny, Jackie and I wandered around the second floor with our flashlights for about an hour with no notable incidents. We ended up going down a long hallway to a large room. Dust and peeling paint were everywhere. Rusty pipes jetted out from where a section of the outside wall had collapsed. I broke out the video camera and began to scan the room; I noticed something strange in the far right corner. Through the eerie green glow of night vision it looked like someone, or something cowering in the corner.
"Hey guys what is that?" I asked as the others peeked over my shoulder and squinted. The object appeared to be moving slightly. Jackie got the bright idea to shine her light on the object. Her flashlight washed out the camera's night vision and Jenny and I were temporarily blinded by the bright light of the LCD screen.
"There's nothing there." Jackie whispered.
"Turn off the fucking flashlight Jack!" Jenny yelled as she grabbed it from her hands. I was still rubbing my eyes when Jackie lifted my hand and pointed the camera back to the corner. "It's fucking gone." Jackie whispered as Jenny and I blinked profusely to help our eyes readjust to the darkness. I looked at the screen just in time to see what appeared to be a man standing on the other side of the room, facing the wall. From our angle we could see the profile of the left side of his face. He was wearing something light colored; it looked like a doctor's jacket. He also had something clipped to it, maybe an ID of some sort.
"What is he looking at?" Jenny asked as she squinted at the screen to see what was on the wall.
"I have no idea, just the wall I guess." I whispered as quietly as possible. I might as well have been yelling the way my voice was echoing in the large room. I decided fuck it; let's see if he knows we are here. "Hello..... Doctor?"
The man slowly turned to face us. Jackie screamed at the site of him. His right eye had a pen sticking out of it and that side of his face was all bloody. Jackie started walking backwards towards the door.
"Calm down Jack.... Don't run."
The doctor seemed irritated by her screams and made a horribly angry face and started coming towards us. Jenny & I began backing out of the room. When we told Jackie that he was moving towards us she took off like a flash.
"Jack don't fucking RUN!"
She ignored my pleas and we started after her now completely ignoring the doctor that may have still been behind us. Once we entered the hallway I reminded Jenny to watch her step. She nodded and decided to use the walkie-talkie to inform the others to keep an eye out for her. Ann's voice came back and informed us that their group had got scared out of their wits in the church, so they were outside waiting for us. They heard the infamous organ music and high tailed it out of the building.
The stoners responded with a few chuckles and belches.
That's when we heard a loud crash. Jenny started to run when I reminded her that the floors were in dire need of attention and that Jackie must have hit a soft spot and fell to the floor below.
"Jack!"
No answer.
We made our way to the end of the hall and eventually found the hole she had created. We pointed our flashlights down and saw her lying in a heap with blood smeared on the side of her head. Jenny walkied to the stoners and asked them to go get her and we were on our way. When we turned around to head back downstairs we were surprised by a little girl that had been standing behind us.
"Hello sweetheart." Jenny said kindly as she kneeled down to her level. "Are you lost? Where is your mommy honey?"
"Jenny...."
"Jenny....."
"What!" She asked as she gave me an icy stare.
"Look at her neck." Her neck was slit and the side of her dress was covered in blood. I thought she must have been lying down when it happened.
Jenny reached forward to touch her hand, but when she looked back the little girl was gone.
She was pale as a ghost as I helped her to her feet. We tried to get the stoners to respond yet again to no avail. Going back down the hallway I decided to use the camera again. I was amazed at what I saw. I stopped dead in my tracks so Jenny could look as well. Along the hallway the patients stood and watched us. They were as far as our eyes and camera could see. "It's like a fucking wall of death" I blurted out through trembling lips. A shiver went down my spine and the hair on my neck stood up. "Come on, let's keep moving.
We continued to walk all the while keeping an eye on them. Some twitched when we approached, some cried, others snarled at us or ignored us completely.
The ones at the end of the hall started to follow us. The farther we went the more spirits gathered behind us. We came to a halt at a four way in the hall.
"Which way did we come from?"
"Shit.... I don't remember. Gimme a minute to think or we are gonna get lost."
"We don't have a fucking minute Amy! Those things are following us!"
"Follow me," came a whisper from the shadows.
I jumped a little as I turned to see the little girl from earlier. "Come on Jenny let's listen to her unless you have any better ideas." Jenny nodded and we followed the girl down the hall.
She led us down a long hallway where we could see a door to the outside. Once again Jenny knelt down to speak to her. "Sweetheart... we have to find our friends before we go." The little girl pointed behind us and there in the crowd were our friends. Jackie's back was all twisted up from the fall. Her neck was tilted to the side and the bone was protruding from the side of her neck.
Jake was next to her with a pipe through his stomach and his head was half gone.
Dave and Joe came crawling out from around the corner. Their legs were bent backwards and their eyes were gouged out.
"What the fuck? How did that happen?" Jake started shuffling forward when a can of spray-paint fell out from inside his jacket.
"Oh God... they were tagging the morgue." I was now sweating profusely as I turned to Jenny and we headed towards the door. Jenny started running and I begged for her not too. Her foot fell through a soft section of flooring. I helped her back up and we decided to haul ass out of there. With her hand in mine we raced for the door, our friends close behind. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me and I was practically dragging poor Jenny. The group was advancing on us but luckily a harsh breeze blew the doors open for us. I through myself through the doors and went rolling down the stairs. Ann and the others saw the doors blow open and came running over.
Ann and Denise helped me up.
"Where's Jenny?"
"She was right....."
Cindy screamed as I lifted my hand. Ann vomited.
"She was right with me" I looked down and realize that her arm was still in my hand.
"She's still in there." That was the last thing I remember before I blacked out.
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There. A +2. NOW STOP CALLING ME!
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And I can't understand why people sneaking into a haunted building would take a group of stoners along. I couldn't get around that. "
ever get stoned and go to a haunted house? the paranoia makes it THAT much scarier, and it makes you think more about the rooms and histories of it and stuff. it's fun as hell.. if you smoke, give it a shot. you'll have another outlook.
and btw i was slightly horrified to wake up this morning cause i definantly had a dream like this last night. good story!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought I'd reviewed this already, but, clearly, not so much.
I like the story you put together, but I agree that some of the descriptions were very dry. It made me think "oh, well, this guy has a pipe in him now," instead of "holy shit, this guy's MESSED up!" I also think that with as many characters as you have you should have made this longer. That, or cut some of the characters to tighten up the story.
For some reason the Jackie/Jack thing threw me, even though I call a female friend of mine with that name "Jack" for short. With all the people running around in the story, I wasn't sure if maybe there was a guy that I'd missed. Then again, I'm an idiot sometimes.
Not that this has anything to do with anything, but just in case you were wondering: "Wall of Death" is the name of a Richard Thompson song. I believe REM covered it a while back.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-10-28 01:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nicely done Peon.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-10-28 00:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Second class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert
jewelery, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and
all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it
pretty sweet.
-- Homer Simpson
Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in
"The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-27 23:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haunted house or whatever stories are a bitch. I think you needed less characters and more characterizations of the ones you kept.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:46:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
i hope you're not talking about me, joe. I've been honest with everyone.
if i wasn't, my "good jobs" and "well dones" wouldn't mean shit.
************
no you're right
i read it a second time, very slowly, and everything besides the dialogue was a bit stilted.
instead of bottling up my anger, i should put that comment on the post(s) that warrant it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This had some scary parts, but it never 'read' scary to me. The narrator describes the story with the same kind of casual language she might describe going to the gas station and buying a chocolate bar. Not enough spooky description, just plain description.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-27 17:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was okay, but two things threw me off.
I didn't really have much of a 'connect' with any of the characters. Perhaps if you had concentrated on a few less characters you could have made them a little more real.
And I can't understand why people sneaking into a haunted building would take a group of stoners along. I couldn't get around that.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-10-27 17:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-10-27 16:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wish there was a 1.5 option.....
overall I really enjoyed the read.....but at the same time something just didnt quite click for me
here. At the very beginning, there is the line about the patients not being transferred, just having
been let go. That really stuck with me for some reason......maybe if multiple rumors had been suggested, "some said they were let go, others said family were required to step in, while others subscribed to a darker end to the tale."
(ok, that was a really cheesy line, hence why I am not in GrUeber fest.....)
anyway, just a thought.........
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The campy overtones throughout reminds me of early Peter Jackson and the Italian giallo flicks of same era. +
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i hope you're not talking about me, joe. I've been honest with everyone.
if i wasn't, my "good jobs" and "well dones" wouldn't mean shit.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The cross rivalry exhibited by the low rankings, submitted by some of the other authors,
really pisses me off!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent effort, but i was bothered by a couple things. First, why were they so quick to follow the little girl? Who follows strange ghosts down dark hallways? just didn't seem realistic.
Second, when the others appeared, all battered and bleeding, there wasn't enough description of their injuries. It seemed like an analysis by a coronor..."subject had a pipe sticking out of his stomach and his head was half gone." You need to add some dripping blood, talk about a sneer on the remaining jawbone--you got to create that feeling of dread.
i'm sure with more time you could have nailed down some of these things.
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit. i almost wet myself.