GrUeberfest: The Long Winding Road (1344 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: grueberfest05
Rating: 1.89 on 110 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-10-27 14:50:26 EDT
Come sit a while,
Traveller,
A story you I'll tell,
A tale full of wickedness,
A little glimpse of hell.
For earth, it has its demons
If you know just where to look,
So rest a while,
Traveller,
And give me space to work:
Two travellers, the same as you, went once to Blackwood Mountain
To see the untouched wilderness and bathe in forest fountains
They hiked the snow capped mountaintop, they skiied both day and night
Evenings by the bonfire, warm,
No business calls, no gridlock horns,
Headache gray existence swapped for evergreen and white.
High atop the mountain sat the town of Yaundeeshaw
A former Huron settlement, a present tourist draw,
A quiet little village that made quite a quaint abode,
The hillsides knew no strips of rail,
Instead, one gravel switchback'd trail,
And every tourist knew to take the long and winding road.
Our trav'lers packed and readied, for they knew their trip had ended,
And, leaving, planned to grab a bite before they both descended,
The clouds loomed fat and heavy, bursting, ready to explode,
The couple drove and stopped to eat,
The snow it filled the city streets,
And soon a flood of white poured o'er the long and winding road.
At Conklin's Pub the travellers sat down and ordered quickly
To try and stay ahead of snow they knew was falling thickly
They rushed the waiter, ate like wolves and walked out of the bar,
And old man with a drink, he rose,
His jacket's hood came to his nose,
With staggered steps he charged outside and stopped them at their car.
"Before you leave," he said to them, "there's something you must know,
There's something lurking in these hills, I beg you not to go,"
A hand with fingers missing pulled back his snow flecked hood
Revealing his missing eye,
Through whiskey breath, the old man sighed:
"My friends, I need to tell you of the White Man of the Woods!"
"A Frenchman lived in Yaundeeshaw
Upon this very mountaintop,
He partnered with the Huron - helped them murder and destroy
Their rivals strewn across the land,
He slaughtered them with hatch'ted hand,
For years he drew both blood and scalps from slaughtered Iroquois.
One night he roamed the woods below,
Just off the long and winding road,
While hunting in the falling snow an ambush party caught him;
They brought him to their hidden camp,
And with the full moon as a lamp,
The night's eyes watched as shamans held a service long and grim.
They both performed a ritual,
The details of which I won't tell,
A painful rite of violence that no living man deserved,
They spoke their incantations
As he screamed in desperation
For they both drew curvéd blades of bone, and chanted loud their words.
They tore a hole into his chest
And ripped the heart out of his breast
And held it, beating, 'fore his eyes, its pulsing they admired,
They held it to his gaping lips
As blood ran down their fingertips
Commanding him to take a bite before his soul retired.
With his last, he took a bite
And, tasting blood, he found new life,
The shamans both released him, final curses they did cry -
They damned him to a life of pain
To roam the sleet and snow and rain
Forever seeking hearts to fill the emptiness inside.
He's roamed the woods forever since
Performing acts of violence,
Whenever winter storm or autumn rain falls on the town,
An animal who knows no home,
He wanders through the trees alone,
Looking for his victims when the snow comes falling down."
"An animal they made him,
And I know this more than most,
He must avoid the world of men for he has no more soul,
Our city walls he cannot reach,
Human trappings, cannot breach,
And he cannot step a foot upon the long and winding road."
"Four years ago I took a walk
Through forest deep and sky of chalk,
With no cloud to be seen for miles
I thought it safe to walk a while,
Lost somewhere in woods of green,
I felt a little drop of rain,
A thunderclap, it shook my bones
And I ran straight back to my home.
Behind me, as the rain came down
I heard a loud, nightmarish sound:
A howl the likes of whistling steam
A ringing peal of hate and pain.
Mark me, I know well the woods
And ev'ry animal's tracks and sounds,
But never have I heard a growl
To match the White Man's wicked howl.
I ran, then, even quicker
As the woods grew ever thicker,
My heart it almost burst its walls
For from the distance came footfalls.
The long and winding road I saw
Just up a ways past leaves and logs,
A louder rip of damnéd howl
The footfalls growing closer now.
A cruel trick of wind and rain
Saw me trip, my ankle sprained,
I dare not look behind me
Lest I lose my mind in fright,
I stood and limped towards gravel road
My pulse dot-dashing bloody code
My legs they pulled me onward
For I had the road in sight.
The rain it beat down like a fist
The woods engulfed in hazy mist,
I reached the road, that man-made ground
And I no longer heard a sound.
With one foot on that gravel street
I caught my breath and slowed my beat,
I turned to look into those trees
And saw red eyes look back at me.
Returning to my home that night
I drank away the fear and fright,
I've never walked the woods since then,
I'll never walk the woods again."
"I tell you true, my friends, I swear, tonight the White Man roams!
Please wait until the snowfall ends before you head for home!
Your lives are worth another day, I beg you not to go!"
The old man looked into their eyes,
Saw that they took his truth for lies,
And added: "If you leave, stay to the long and winding road."
The husband laughed and shook his head, he pushed the man aside,
"You reek of beer and liquor, and you've only one good eye,
Can you be sure you really saw the demon you've described?
Spare me drunken premonitions
And spooky small-town premonitions
Of white-skinned zombies in the woods, accursed by indian tribes."
Our travellers got into their car, left Yaundeeshaw behind,
And took the winding, switchback'd road, and paid the snow no mind,
The long white banks their headlights painted, turnig them to gold
The husband sped the car along
But quickly learned his choice was wrong
As tires slipped and slided and the car shot off the road.
The wife undid her buckle, helped her husband out the car
She looked around her saying "Dear, I don't know where we are."
"We're halfway down the mountain, love," the husband said, "Don't fear."
He found his cell phone had no tone
He saw that they were out alone
And from the snowfall, faint but clear, a howling did he hear.
The travellers they first shrugged it off - a trick of wind or owl,
But merely moments later once again they heard the howl,
A gust of wind blew over them, and turned their blood to ice,
It continued to precipitate
The hour, it was drawing late,
The husband feared no help would come to save them from their fate.
The car had hit a tree full-on, the snowbanks ate its tires,
They needed now to walk to town, or else they would expire,
Again, the hollow, haunting howl rang out, its volume growing,
The wife she held her husband tight
As they stood in the freezing night,
Shaking deep down in her soul, while 'round her leaves were blowing.
She felt her husband's heartbeat quicken, felt it through his coat,
And heard the scream grow louder as a cry died in her throat,
He wrapped his arms around her, but did not know where to go,
The storm had wiped away their tracks
With constant snow and skies of black
And now the travellers could not find the long and winding road.
Behind them rang the echoes of fresh steps upon the ground,
The crushing footfalls hurried, heavy, drumming out their sound,
The travellers they began to run as booming steps grew faster,
They sped away from their crashed car
But neither of them got that far
Before they each were gripped by bloody hands of alabaster.
One broke the husband's collarbone, and tossed him 'gainst a tree, alone,
The other took the dear wife's throat and held her up aloft,
Those filthy hands of bone white flesh
They ripped her clothes off as if mesh
And soon revealed her body, naked, skin so warm and soft.
Muddy fingers clenched and tore her breast completely off
And quickly tore the other one, her chest become a trough,
The blood it hit the frozen earth, and then began to steam,
The White Man lay the woman down, and she becgan to scream;
Both hands he thrust into her chest, fingers breaking bone,
He wrapped his fingers 'round her ribs as she lay dazed and prone,
With mighty arms he pulled both sets of ribs down to her hips,
Her chest ripped like a wishbone as a howl screamed out his lips;
A fountain of her guts and blood the naked White Man sprayed,
Stained him red from head to foot as he feasted on his prey,
He fished inside her cavity for her now lifeless heart,
He ate it just as quickly as he tore her chest apart.
The husband watched with teary eye the murder of his wife,
And knew he'd soon be drawing in the last breath of his life,
He saw the White Man's soulless eyes slowly turn to face him,
He saw the empty pit of life where his black heart had been;
The White Man of the Woods approached, his crouch-walk now a shuffle,
The husband lost the will to fight, and weakly did he scuffle,
Hands too white, too bloodless, held him by the neck and knee
And picked him up from off the ground and placed him 'gainst a tree,
The White Man looked into his eyes and loudly loosed a wail,
The stink of death and gore upon the breath that was exhaled,
Fingers strong as steel sailed past the hapless husband's eyes,
And ripped past lungs, past blood, past life, to claim the White Man's prize.
The husband screamed for mercy, felt a hand upon his face,
And with a twist the White Man tugged his jaw loose from its place,
He threw away the useless bone
The husband's tongue flapped a silent moan
The White Man he consumed the heart and savored well the taste.
The storm subsided silently, as quickly as it came,
And all at once the snow, it stopped, the night was calm and tame,
The forest housed two lifeless bodies - massacre most foul
The White Man of the Woods was gone
He disappeared before the dawn
But when the rain and snow begins you're sure to hear him howl.
And so, my weary
Travellers,
My story's at an end,
But 'fore you leave
I have advice
That I will freely lend -
Seek not to tempt the fates, you fools,
Or soon a death you'll owe,
Instead stick to the route ahead:
The long and winding road.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-17 22:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:09:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is about all I can do to atone for my sins.
Unless I die.
If you don't get bothered for awhile, you'll know your entreaties succeeded with either bart or the almighty, or both.
All the same to you, I suppose.
In the name of the father, the son, and your holy post.
amen.
___________________________________
What happened, Kinda? You get the old "straighten up or I'll ban yer ass" letter?
Not that you didn't earn it, but let me state for the record: I don't want you banned
because if you stop being an ass you occasionally have something constructive to add.
Try being serious for 30 days and watch what happens.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-17 22:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Back on heated. Woo.
Thanks, weekend.
Submitted by JediMasterJambi (user info) at 2006-09-17 16:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GrUeberfest: The Long Winding Road (1057 hits)
Category: None
Rating: 1.89 on 107 reviews (Rate this item) (V) (Label this item) X
Labels:
Submitted by Orgasmatron (Hell yha, this is gonna be sexyness) (View user info) at 2005-10-27 14:50:26
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Come sit a while, (O yha..this is getting good)
Traveller, (Shit....Almost there.......)
A story you I'll tell, (PHEW! That was the best porno i've ever read)
I look forward to your future works.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-15 13:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:58:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish I could have experienced this spoken aloud (preferably around a campfire!) as opposed
to reading it and trusting my brain to get the cadence right......
-----------
Bob Dole thinks there could be an audio book library of orgasmo readings... sold for a nominal price.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 08:24:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe Stag's plan actually worked.
-----
No problem.
I was glad to pick up the slack.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saeki (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:22:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
---
And I really like asians.
As mentioned on Indo's post, I'm pulling for the Asian tribe on Survivor.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Allyson, darling, Orgasmatron is already spoken for, uberbabydaddywise.
He is a hot piece of ass, and you should take advantage of that if he's agreeable.
But he has his hands full with feety. Well, OK, feety fits in his hand. But anyway, I'm his babymama.
Submitted by Saeki (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 08:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe Stag's plan actually worked.
Like Moses, he was unable to cross into the Promised Land. He shall merely have to look upon the fruits of his labor.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-15 02:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you.
will you be my babies daddy?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And 100 for being a good sport.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's an alternate for the first stanza.
Come rest a spell,
Traveller.
There's a story I must tell,
A twisted tale of wickedness
Unravelled
straight from hell;
This world is full of demons
And I know just where they hide,
So rest here, weary
Traveller
And let me be your guide
-----
Come sit a while,
Traveller,
A story you I'll tell,
A tale full of wickedness,
A little glimpse of hell.
For earth, it has its demons
If you know just where to look,
So rest a while,
Traveller,
And give me space to work
-----
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:11:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't flatter yourself. Bart hasn't heard a thing from me.
-----
Relax, I needed it for the punchline.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*skates off*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't flatter yourself. Bart hasn't heard a thing from me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entreaties? The fuck?
Oh- JL-D.. yeah she is.
And speaking of doing, I have to go put out a fire.
And by that, I mean watch porn.
We've done well here.
Mahogany.
Til tomorrow, Daddy-O.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is about all I can do to atone for my sins.
Unless I die.
If you don't get bothered for awhile, you'll know your entreaties succeeded with either bart or the almighty, or both.
All the same to you, I suppose.
In the name of the father, the son, and your holy post.
amen.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Best thing you've said yet.
Where are you from, KN?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus is still doable.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Uh, this is a poem I call 'New York Times'.
New York Times.
New York Times.
You think you're better than us?
Us?
U-S?
USA?
No Way. Thank you."
-Coach McGuirk
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:47:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two for the effort alone. i cant even put in enough effort to read the goddamn thing.
---
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nn8Bk_NjRTo
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, right? What a dick.
Brings me back though- to before honalee, and 100Ks and B@W, and feety..
We were so innocent then. Good times, good times.
*wipes tear*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So when do we get to knock this off?
I can't believe Stag bailed on his own idea.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two for the effort alone. i cant even put in enough effort to read the goddamn thing.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EATIN' WHEATIES
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
furry boots
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OHHHHH NOOOOOOES
DAMMIT!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
chyancellir
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perchyance, sirrAH
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just add wutter.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I say "while" with 2 syllables, too.
Also- the "steam" and "pain" totally works if you do it in a Delco accent.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just like an Australian.
Coming up with an idea and rolling just as it gets started.
Island of debtors, it is.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm off. Have fun.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come sit a while, Traveller, (8)
A story you I'll tell, (6)
A tale full of wickedness, (8)
A little glimpse of hell. (6)
For earth, it has its demons (7)
If you know just where to look, (7)
So rest a while, Traveller, (8)
And give me space to work: (6)
Bumping 'Traveler' to its own line twice could seem to throw it off a bit.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's interesting you say that, because I particularly liked "A ringing peal of hate and pain"
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're reading it wrong.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Know what's clumsy?
Rhyming 'steam' and 'pain.'
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, that first verse/stanza is pretty clumsy. I just re-read it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe I'm eating the sweets I bought to send to Jake.
Oh shit. I hope he doesn't see this.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe I'm listening to a song called "Ashen Faggot Wassail."
Damn you, Colin Meloy. Damn you for making me try out Shirley Collins.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are voices coming from my modem.
Not kidding.
I'm scared.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sox are O's team.
But my team sucked tonight, so I'm jumping on his bandwagon. Tell no one.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:07:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this.
Please accept my apologies.
Carry on with your chat
================
I internet like you.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, we beat Celtic in the Champions League. So there.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this.
Please accept my apologies.
Carry on with your chat.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GSW indeed. At least they toughed it out and won tonight.
It didn't rain tonight. Not one drop. So much for justifying not going b/c of the weather.
I am a hot little potato right now.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OFFICE SPACE
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so honest it hurts sometimes. Fact.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:59:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome.
Let me guess. Shitter's full?
-----
Sorry, I was temporarily blinded by the flying splooge.
You guys should be more discreet.
Did go down quickly, though, huh. Amazingly Leg-like.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aww, IT'S ALL MESSED UP NOW.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to see who's interested tomorrow.
It'll likely start in October, so it can be done by Halloween.
UM used to be in the spring. Halloween cannot change its date.
In the words of a movie that I'll give a +2 to someone if they name it: "Why should I change, he's the one who sucks?"
Is there really such a thing as an honest rating?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SOX
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to start Grueberfest II next week? Some of us are in Ubermadness, you know. You may have heard of it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, is that an honest rating?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome.
Let me guess. Shitter's full?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, would you?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:52:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do...do you think we could get this old post onto Most Heated?
-----
Please, let me help.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have tits
seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a man. I have battle-hardened pecs, not tits. Pay attention.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Show us your tits.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we can.
I really think we can.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would be fairly appropriate though, considering that I'll be posting the Grueberfest II kickoff tomorrow.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do not speak of such things, Stag.
They are not allowed in this shadowland of Uber.
That is only reserved for This Asshole Saved Your Life. Or whatever that post is called.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Could that first line have been more poorly constructed?
What I'm saying is you always seem to take the time to find lines that you enjoy and share your thoughts on what they mean or how they lend themselves to the overall piece. That's rare here, as a lot of users would rather make a joke about someone's reply or type 'show us your tits' or 'filename.' You're consistently of the mind to find something good in someone's post (or bad) and make sure they know what you think of it.
Which is fabulous.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(I got my "lishy". It's what I really wanted. Thanks, Daddy-O).
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do...do you think we could get this old post onto Most Heated?
Dare we?
Is that shit even ALLOWED?
Stay tuned.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You review with a sincerety and critical eye that a lot of people don't, Lishy.
I really appreciate that. I don't say it a lot, but it's true.
Can....can omeone hand me a tissue?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course, EVERYTHING'S FOR O-TRON.
And what are YOU talking about Stag? I GET EMOTIONAL SOMETIMES, OK?
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And what ARE you talking about, Saccy?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My reply was for O-tron, by the way.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, good. So you should be.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, right?
I get all dewy-eyed and lovey, you get all "you inspired me to sign up", and we don't get no love.
*weep*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I DIDN'T SEE THAT UNTIL I'D REPLIED, ALTER MINE.
The blame for signing up is your own, but I'm honored that you'd associate this with being a contributing factor.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:33:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was one of the first uber pieces I ever read, before I got my account.
This is one of the things people have to thank (or blame) for me signing up.
======
GEE, THANKS FOR CARING!
Sobs and so forth.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yep. Before the Hill was the first legitimately 'serious' thing I'd done here, and this came right after it. And yes, as explained, these were really the first two times I'd tried using verse to tell a real story and not just some ridiculous tale of a Wiffle Ball plant worker coming home to find his wife cheating on him, or of some disgruntled cat owner attempting to satisfy feline birthday needs.
This is really more of an exercise in not knowing when to stop, I think, as it just goes on and on and on. I didn't know how much I was going to tell at the beginning, but wanted to give each part of the story its own metrical feel. Of these Grueberfest entries, this is my least favorite. Though I do enjoy the endgame.
I do think it's funny that I apparently stumbled on a lot of the telltale signs of the Wendigo without knowing it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was one of the first uber pieces I ever read, before I got my account.
This is one of the things people have to thank (or blame) for me signing up.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-14 22:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read this for the first time.
It appears this was one of your first serious pieces here, and you've told us that before Uber, you didn't often write poetry in earnest. I must say that this is really, really impressive for a budding poet.
I love the chances you took with meter- it takes a really interesting form, and seems rather complicated to write. I'm also charmed by a few tiny bumps (har har bumps in the road) that I know you would not stand for today.
With pieces like this as your first attempts at serious poetry, it's no wonder you're our poet laureate. I love that there's an archive telling of your growth as a writer. I love that you've branched out so much since. I love that you're here.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-31 00:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I thought of this more as a song as opposed to a poem. Record it NOW in the key of D.
Still good though, and your right.... my story was supposed to be longer, but I didn't want all my reviews to say WTF I'm not readin blah, blah, blah.
Anywho congrats on the win fucker!
Love,
Bitter with Envy
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:57:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
ya know what? I really like your writing.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-10-28 00:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can i say? It ruled.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-27 23:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutley bad ass...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-27 23:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And Bubba, thanks for that, but I hardly think the comparison is accurate.
I'm WAY better than Jack Mc-C.
Kidding, kidding.
I mean, hell, I write poems about cowboy monkeys, sonnets about Spider Man's nutsack, odes to gigantic women and drinking songs about Tubgirl.
I'm basically dick and fart jokes packaged in iambic pentameter.
Then again, my name *does* have "Mc" in it, too...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-27 23:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thecaes -- that's pretty messed up, because I didn't do any looking into the Wendigo legend before writing this. I just thought it'd be freaky to have some wild man running naked through the woods ripping out people's hearts. And I thought the native american link would be better than relying on a witch or warlock or haunted video game or something. It was totally a last minute decision, too.
The connections are really, really bizzare.
ETS - some of the rhyme and meter IS off a bit, but as I said I didn't have the time or focus that I wanted with it. I'm definitely going to tweak this, as I think there's plenty that can be salvaged.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-27 23:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron, you are right up there with Jack McC.
I hate you. Oh, by the way, anyone who rated this
less than a +2 should kiss my ass. French kiss!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thecaes: Yea, I read that one too. I thought it was excellent as well. I even tried to compare it to something sorta similar I'd written as song lyrics.
By the way, Orgazmatron, if you were to record this as an mp3 or wav file, I think you should put some creepy sounds and shit in there too. I'd jump at the opportunity to do it if you didn't mind. I'd quite enjoy that.
That offer stands for anyone participating in this tournament. If you record yourself reading your story, I'll put creepy noises in it for you if you want.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS, you should check out his first Grueberfest entry. It's in the same style, but I thought it worked a lot better as a horror story than this one did.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I, for one, thought this was brilliant.
I am with Thecaes insofar as horror tales in verse work much better in a different setting. An earlier time period...like the 1600s-1800s would have been better for a story such as this, but this is just a nit-picky complaint as far as I'm concerned, and it could not have been the same story if that were the case.
I was able to find the rhythms pretty easily. I loved the cadence of it. It reminded me of Poe's "The Raven", or "The Bells" in that respect.
There were a few (minor) flaws in the rhythm here and there, and places where I thought tiny adjustments would work to great effect, but over all, this was definitely no disappointment.
I don't consider the 'predictabilities', as Thecaes described them a problem at all. There are some literary devices (such as the soothsayer in the horror genre) that work to great effect. It's a lesson to the listeners of the tale to "take heed...cause if you don't, you'll end up just like these poor souls in the story". That's a classic device, and one that is fairly inseperable from the type of writing you're doing here.
You have a very good grasp of literary device and poetic metre. I'm sure a rhyming dictionary is helpful from time to time. People who don't write poetry can't realize how locked in you have to be to write something like this. It's a total frame of mind, and when you get it right, you KNOW you got it right. It seems to have written itself at that point.
Excellent, excellent work!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The Wendigo is a spirit in mythology. It has also become a stock horror character much like the vampire or werewolf, although these fictional depictions often do not bear much resemblance to the original mythology. Since the word appears in different Native American languages and dialects, there are dozens of variations on its spelling, Wendigo and Windigo being the most common.
"The Wendigo was usually presumed to have once been human. Different origins of the Wendigo are described in variations of the myth. A hunter may become the Wendigo when encountering it in the forest at night, or when becoming possessed by its spirit in a dream. When the cannibalistic element of the myth is stressed, it is assumed that anyone who eats corpses in a famine becomes a Wendigo as a result. The only way to destroy a Wendigo is to melt its heart of ice. In recent times, it has been identified with sasquatch or bigfoot by cryptozoologists, but there is little evidence in the indigenous folklore for it being a similar creature."
I'm no Wendigo expert, but it was when you started with the Native Americans and the eating of flesh that the light bulb went off in my head.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-27 20:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah. I liked this.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wendigo, yeti...I'm sure there are elements of that creature that are responsible for this.
The White Man of the Woods was something I came up with in college - an absolutely undeveloped idea that's always just floated around in the back of my head.
It's really just the howl that's stuck with me this whole time. The howl, and the bone white skin .
I don't mean to portray him as an animal...in appearance anyway, with fur and claws and such. Just an animal in his tendencies, his demeanor.
I can see how the connection with the snow would lend itself to the wendigo connection. I chose snow because I decided on Tuesday night to link him to the Huron & Iroquois - of course a mountain up north would be snowy in the winter.
I think originally I just had him roaming the woods somewhere.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, so is it the Wendigo or what?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's certainly predictable, but I was going for that in a way.
As people have mentioned, this rhyming stuff works best when it calls to mind 'tales around a campfire,' which are always pretty predictable. At that point it's not so much the story or the details, but the telling.
That said, I think this is pretty much rubbish. It was rushed, and read through once - which isn't an excuse, but maybe more of a sign as to where my mind was while writing this. I wanted to introduce a creature, but found myself getting weighed down with the introduction instead of jumping right to the story proper.
The old man talks far too much, or rather, his tells one story too many. The change in rhyme scheme doesn't help much, but I wanted to give each of the stories in the poem their own sound and feel.
This whole exercise felt like trying to swallow an apple whole.
But then, I've never really tried to tell stories like this in verse, so it's ok to choke every now and then.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-27 19:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for a decent tale with some gore, something absent even in my posts lately.
+1 for rhyming this motherfucker.
Jesus, I'm imagining you facing off against some asshole on the street and instead of saying, "I'll fuck you up, motherfucker," you'd look the guy in the eye and let loose with shit like...
I'll fuck you up and leave you for dead
I'll defecate upon your skull-fucked head
and so on...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't like this nearly as much as your other one. I think part of the problem is suspension of disbelief and a wandering narrative voice -- if those are actual terms. The one-eyed dude talked too long, I thought, and I didn't think the prose worked well when talking about modern-day people with cars and such. It clashed for me.
Also, ignoring all the rhyming, the story was REALLY predictable. But rhyming is super-difficult, so +2 for you.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-27 18:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WEN
DI
GO
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-10-27 16:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, if you do get the mic to work, like i said, this is something that I would really enjoy
hearing, especially if read by the author, for, as you said, YOU know how it sounds.......
Still, overall, great work, rhythmic verse is TOUGH!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-27 16:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think that's definitely a problem with this. I wrote it like I heard it in my head, and like how I'd tell it, which, obviously, doesn't really translate well to words on a page.
I considered posting it as an .mp3, actually. But then I learned my microphone has gone to absolute pot.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-10-27 16:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go man, go!
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish I could have experienced this spoken aloud (preferably around a campfire!) as opposed
to reading it and trusting my brain to get the cadence right......
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i love your stuff, man, but the rhyme scheme threw me on this one.
Submitted by theshadypeach (user info) at 2005-10-27 15:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm impressed. Good poetry on uber...wow.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GLORIOUS
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ya know what? I really like your writing.