Driving My Building Superintendant Insane (678 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Internet Slacker (View user info) at 2005-10-27 21:04:41 EDT
"The Runt"
I figure I can finally write this story since it happened over twenty years ago, which should easily be over the statute of limitations for driving someone insane.
Most guys in their teens have a friend who engages in crazy, often criminal, activity. I had a pal like that, except that he wasn't so much crazy as going slowly yet surely psychotic. I have countless stories of this guy, who I had to eventually stop hanging around with because he was just getting too goddamn nuts.
Let's call him Dave. I'm not going to use his real name, as I fear he's still out there. In fact, I and a small circle of friends have a constant "Dave Report" to let each other know if they've heard anything new about him. Last time I heard, Dave got busted for running a credit-card counterfeiting scam...which (rumor had it) had ties to the Al Qaeda terrorist group. I shit you not. Jesus Christ.
But let's get back to the story. I'd like to tell you now about the time Dave and I drove the landlord of the apartment building I lived in totally fucking ape-shit.
I was about fifteen years old, living in a fourteen story semi-crappy apartment building with my recently divorced Mom. She was having a great time, finally being free from my domineering father, so she'd often go out on the town...which left me a lot of time to get into trouble with Dave. This free time included exploring the entire apartment complex, even bypassing locks to get into the elevator room, furnace room, people's storage lockers, etc.
Before the change in the apartment's superintendent, I had declared it off-limits to Dave's craziness because the first super was a cool guy. He kept the building, grounds, and pool clean and had a great attitude. But for some stupid reason he was replaced by a new superintendent who didn't give a damn about cleaning and was rude to everybody. I hated him. He was really short, so Dave and I referred to him as "The Runt".
The first act of destruction took place in the pool change-room. I had gone in there to use the washroom to take a dump, and while I was sitting on the bowl, I heard Dave begin carving into the stall's outside door with what I presumed to be the many knives he usually carried on him.
This peaked my curiousity: "Dave, what the fuck are you doing?" Dave: "Just wait and see". He began laughing.
After I was finished, I walked out of the stall to see Dave had carved into the wooden door the phrase: "HELLO RUNT" in huge letters. Well, this simple act started our whole "Regime Of Terror" against the superintendent in the apartment building. Over the following months, the super stumbled upon these random acts of vandalism:
- Dave and I got into the elevator room and with red paint wrote on the floor, "LAIR OF THE RUNT".
- We also broke into the super's big storage room and spray-painted, "LET'S GO A-RUNTING NOW", each word on a separate wall. Dave asked me what, "a-runting" meant, to which I replied I didn't know.
- We wrote "I LOVE MASTER RUNT" on his dog in black magic marker. Note that LOVE was actually a big heart. Colored in.
- The phrase "Heil Nazi Runt" appeared more than once in the stairwells.
- Dave and I got onto the apartment roof one night and painted, "RUNTLY MANOR" in freaking HUGE LETTERS, easily eight feet tall, on a wall facing the city. You could see it for miles.
- Dave would call up the superintendent late at night, like four in the goddamn morning, and when the super would answer in a groggy voice, Dave would conversationally say, "Runt?" And that's all he'd say, no matter how much screaming came out of the phone.
- Around Christmas we mailed him a card with a picture of one of Santa's elves on the front, and from it we drew an arrow leading to the word, "YOU." On the back we signed it, "MERRY RUNTMAS".
- Dave stole a clothing mannequin from a store (don't ask me how, please) and undressed it and threw it, face-down, into the swimming pool. While I never saw what happened, I heard that an old couple went down to go for a swim, started screaming, and called the cops. Who then called the superintendent, to ask him to explain why there was a mannequin with the words, "SAVE ME RUNT" written across its chest floating in the swimming pool.
- But I guess the real clincher was the morning the superintendent woke up, walked down to his beautiful white Camaro, to be confronted with the phrase RUNTMOBILE spray-painted on the driver's side door. And when I say spray-painted, I mean I held the can for a long time on each letter so the red paint would drip down and make RUNTMOBILE look really psychotic.
Yeah...after all that, the apartment building suddenly had a security guard...but Dave and I transformed our "Regime Of Terror" into various acts of semi-insane pranks against the poor minimum-wage rent-a-cop who had to man the front desk.
Sometimes I really miss my teen years...
User Reviews
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-14 15:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-28 17:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a shame this doesn't have solid +2s throughout.
A great, funny read. Thanks.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-10-28 17:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-28 17:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 05:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whilst the whole concept of "I had this really destructive friend who I hung out with for my amusement before cutting him loose and abandoning him to his inevitable self destructive drinking/anti-social criminality/suicide" is sickening I take heart from the fact it's just a story.
I found the story rather depressing, full of base thuggery and cruelty.
Submitted by LamRoKi (user info) at 2005-10-28 02:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
- Dave stole a clothing mannequin from a store (don't ask me how, please) and undressed it and threw it, face-down, into the swimming pool. While I never saw what happened, I heard that an old couple went down to go for a swim, started screaming, and called the cops. Who then called the superintendent, to ask him to explain why there was a mannequin with the words, "SAVE ME RUNT" written across its chest floating in the swimming pool.
....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lmfao. nuff said.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-10-27 22:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dave is a sociopath.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give you another one in the hopes you read this and share it with others.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77837
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had friends like Dave
Most of them died or went to prison within 10 years
Dave's really pushing the envelope
Go Dave
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonus because as kids antagonism is perfectly fine.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME.
Submitted by gAGGLE (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That's really mean
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-10-27 21:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm soooo telling.