My Presidential Election Victory Speech (Check within to see if you have garnered one of my coveted cabinet posts!) (680 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: NonFiction
Rating: 1.8 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack11058 (View user info) at 2005-10-28 08:27:41 EDT
Good evening, fellow Americans.
I stand before you a humbled man. I am awestruck by your faith in me and in the confidence you have placed in my platform.
Pundits, newspeople and armchair politicos all across our great nation said it couldn't be done. I never had a chance. There was no way a fat, hairy man with only a partial college education and no political experience could win election to our nation's highest office.
Well now they have heard your voice. For the first time in history, one presidential candidate has won all 50 of our great states by a landslide margin.
As I stand before you now, ostensibly to make my victory speech, I swear to you that your belief in my platform shall not go unrewarded. Rather than spend the next few minutes basking in the glory of this incredible victory - OUR victory - I will overview for you my plans for the first four years of my newly-won dictatorship for life.
1) Drugs. As promised, I will legalize marijuana. Marijuana will be commercially available, highly regulated and taxed. I will put provisions in place, of course. Those committing crimes or driving under the influence of marijuana face mandatory five year prison sentences without the possibility of parole. I will use the tax profits generated from the sale of packs of marijuana cigarettes to step up the war on other illegal drugs in this country. Dealers of hard drugs such as cocaine and heroin will face mandatory 15 year prison sentences. Second offenses will result in death. I will appoint StonedSilly as my new drug czar.
2) Gay marriage. America is the land of the free. While I am not a homosexual (I PROMISE), why should two people who love each other be forbidden from marrying? While I will not sign into being any constitutional amendment either legalizing or making illegal gay marriage, I will mandate a referendum for each state in our union. Whatever the people in each state vote, so shall it be on this issue. Senator Zoidberg will be my "point man" on this issue.
3) Abortion. I personally condemn and despise the killing of an unborn innocent. But as you know, I am of the firm belief that you cannot legislate "morality". Therefore, the issue of abortion shall be settled on a state by state basis through referendum, just like the gay marriage issue. My secretary of discoteque, WhatTheHell, will be placed in charge of overseeing this referendum.
4) Gun control. While everyone in America has the right to bear arms, no private citizen in this nation has a need to own an assault weapon. Pistols and hunting weapons shall remain the inalienable right of all non-felon U.S. citizen in concordance with the Laughtenberg rule. However, I will impose a mandatory 10 year prison sentence for any person found to be committing a crime while in possession of a gun. Second offense will be death. Secretary of internal security JoeDaddy has volunteered for the all important task of overseeing the upholding of the nation's gun laws.
5) Prison system. The prison system is in need of a drastic overhaul. Prisoners should be put to work in chain gangs all over the country, repairing hurricane damage and building up our infrastructure at an incredibly cost effective rate. For individual states, tough luck on this one. I am instituting a national death penalty, under the provision that each prisoner on death row is granted one appeal. The appeal must be decided within two years of being given the death penalty. Sorry governors, I'm taking over this one. There will only be a presidential stay of execution. I hereby appoint Rad1!oneoh!1 to oversee our prison system reform.
6) Foreign policy. In retrospect, we have come to see that the was in Iraq was not the best idea in the world. While we, as freedom loving Americans, despise despotism and dictatorships, we cannot be the world's police force or democratic enforcement agency any longer. When the situation in Iraq stabilizes, I will bring our soldiers home. I will fully prosecute the war on terror. Any nation that is found to sponsor or support acts of terrorism, we will indiscriminately bomb into oblivion. But I will no longer place American boys in harm's way for another nation that will simply be ungrateful for liberating them from a dictator. We will continue to foster the overthrow of hostile regimes through clandestine operations from within. I will continue to develop a ballistic missile defense system while strengthening radiation detection infrastructure at our borders. Within three years, we will be invulnerable to nuclear attack. I have appointed a coalition of the greatest military minds of our generation: Badassmofo, Kracka, ChemoKenny, RydinJ and others to oversee our military policy.
7) Border issues. We will strengthen our borders to cut off the flow of illegal immigration. At the same time, I will streamline legal immigration procedures to encourage the growth of this great melting pot. The inestimable Jack McCallum has volunteered for this daunting task.
And that's just the highlights, you great American bastards, you. You have given me the presidency for life, and I will give my life to the service of this country. Thank you.
Suckers.
User Reviews
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-11-12 11:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've never driven with or seen anyone who can't control a vehicle while they're high, and I've been on a lot of stoned rides.
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2005-11-12 11:21:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have my vote, Mr. President
Submitted by DeFault (user info) at 2005-11-02 22:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:02:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, i almost forgot.
FLAT TAX FOR EVERYONE!!!
95%.
i mean 95% i mean 95% i mean 15%!! yay!
-----------------------
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-30 00:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck that. i wanna be in charge of the drugs.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm, tough but fair.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I be in charge of the Bureau of Indian Affairs? The redskins trust me, and I'm pretty good at pai-gow poker...
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The boss gave me the best job!" "My boss gave me the best job!"
<skips down the hall like a fag...i mean... same sex oriented individual>
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to be the Minister of Kicking Sand-Nigger Ass, please.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 13:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 13:05:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell does a secretary of Law Averages do?
Secretary of Law OF Averages, mah-boy.
And you keep stuff, you know, average.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 13:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell does a secretary of Law Averages do?
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:26:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
[...]
Isolationism will be the new black.
----------------------------------
Oh thank god.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Make me your Secretary of State. My lifelong dream is to run amok in every foreign country and get away with it because of diplomatic immunity.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't fell worth a spuck this morning.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:09:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody hates your country, which is usually not very healthy. How are you gonna reverse the steam on that one?
--
We don't give a fuck.
Isolationism will be the new black.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 11:04:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
In keeping with responses, I'm now making the following supplementary cabinet appointments:
3) Caulaincourt: Head Public Relations Officer and U.S. Canadian Liaison
--
His office better be in Canada, cause I'm altering customs to keep that fucker up north.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
radio-blasting, shithouse-swabbing wetbacks
shrieking towelheaded taxi drivers
slippery chink whore-smugglers
dot-head leper waiters
Don't mind me. I'm just making a list...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"Corpral" punishment? I'll take that as well, but I believe the original request was for *corprate* punishment. Freudian slip, anyone?
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-10-28 11:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to head up the department of health and stuff...
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 11:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In keeping with responses, I'm now making the following supplementary cabinet appointments:
1) Average_Dan: Secretary of Law of Averages
2) Berty: Chief Devil's Advocate
3) Caulaincourt: Head Public Relations Officer and U.S. Canadian Liaison
4) Ozzy: Chief of staff of Rhetoric(al questions)
5) Sourcgeoftheseas: Director of mantainment.
6) LP: Secretary of corporal punishment.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have some problems with several of your platforms, but I'm not awake enough to feel a need to argue with a joke.
Can I be in charge of meting out punishment to corporate violations of laws? Please? I can think of some really fun and inventive ways of discouraging shenanigans...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:09:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody hates your country, which is usually not very healthy. How are you gonna reverse the steam on that one?
===================
IF you don't like we'll just keel you and be done with it.
So glad I made the list here, although with Kracka on my team I guess I can't be the HNIC (that's Head NIgga In Charge...in a totally non racist way)
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:08:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
And then there's the question of where the money will come from to pay for all this reform.
-=-=-=-
easy, we'll just print more money! how simple was that?
what?
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, i almost forgot.
FLAT TAX FOR EVERYONE!!!
95%.
i mean 95% i mean 95% i mean 15%!! yay!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:42:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but needs more Average_Dan.
___________________________________________
More scourgeoftheseas, too. I offer my services as Director of the Department of Stripclubs and Bars.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Think of the children. Won't someone please think of the children."
Here's a question for you.
Say my lesbain pet rubber chicken is pregnant and a convicted felon, but she wants to bear arms so she can abort her own fetus before marrying her sausage dodging partner.
What would be the ruling?
Interesting post.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a massive man. I mean a man of the masses. Or most likely a homo looking to get married.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody hates your country, which is usually not very healthy. How are you gonna reverse the steam on that one?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And then there's the question of where the money will come from to pay for all this reform.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's also the side issue of 'bombing nations back to the stoneage'. I mean, if you just blow up all the infrastructure and cause famine/disease/poverty etc... won't that just make the populace of these places more pissed off with you people? I mean, wouldn't it just make the problem worse?
I'm no expert mind.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also reckon you've been a bit zealous with the death penalty. I mean, you personally would have to arrange a lot more appeals for the new wave of prisoners.
Plus your overloaded prison system may start to fail with all these new folk being banged up.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:49:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
how could anyone possibly argue against ANY of these points?
--------
Berty would take issue with the horrendous cost of 'nuclear invulnerability'.
What with the cold war being over and everything.
I actually support the prisoner idea wholeheartedly though. Wouldn't work over here (put too many contractors out of business) but it'd prolly work over there.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how could anyone possibly argue against ANY of these points?
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny that you would issue a 'mandate' regarding gay marriage. You sure you're not gay?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 08:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but needs more Average_Dan.