Postmodern Life Is Rubbish (820 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dervel (View user info) at 2005-10-28 10:15:14 EDT
Emblazoned in hand painted letters on the doors large glass window was the title "Arkwright & Lexington. Private Investigators. Purveyors Of Emancipated Justice."
Not that it mattered, as it was Sunday and the office was shut.
It was a strange start to a morning. Our unsurprisingly gallant hero, Courage Arkwright, woke up in the linen basket.
Stirring from his slumber with an unusual sense of trepidation, Courage massaged his face with a sock, hoping its smooth cotton caress would make him feel better. As was always the case, it failed to lift his mood.
Stumbling into his bedroom, like a ketamine riddled seaside donkey, Courage knelt on the floor and started to rifle though his tea chest, which stood proudly at the foot of his bed.
With ever increasing anxiety, Courage upped his rummaging, casting assorted tat, leopard skin rugs, cuckoo clocks and novelty doorbells aside with reckless abandon.
Staring at the wooden base of the now empty chest, Courage resigned himself to the fact that his treasured Kleenex jellyfish collection was missing. Presumably... gone.
Snivelling like a Sudanese refugee, Courage went over to his telephone.
Wiping off the remnants of some long discarded beef sandwich, he picked up the phone and dialled his sidekick, Hugo Lexington.
Hugo was an ingenious though unsophisticated man. He had been friends with Courage for the last twenty years after meeting him whilst they both worked for the US government.
Hugo had personally created the "Adjective - Noun" hypothesis, now used as standard for naming American military operations.
Hugo Lexington picked up his phone to a very distressed Courage Arkwright.
With much affection, he coolly reassured Courage that the waterthrush is a migratory bird and will return again come spring.
He knew the nomadic wanderings of melodic waterfowl would be of no interest to Courage, he was purely trying to divert his attention.
As soon as Hugo had heard his phone ring, he knew it would be Courage. He also knew it would be about his missing jellyfish.
The temptation had been too much for him, the collection was quite extensive, some were near antiques and some had rather staggering colouration. How was he to resist?
It didn't take long before Courage Arkwright got back to the subject at hand, his Kleenex jellyfish collection.
A nervous Hugo reluctantly invited Courage over, assuring him they'd find the missing jellyfish.
Courage Arkwright grabbed his glockenspiel and left immediately for Hugo's house.
Putting the phone down, Hugo Lexington knew that he was in trouble.
He had to hide the Kleenex jellyfish and he had to do it quick.
Whilst looking around his living room for a suitable hiding place, Hugo was interrupted by a swarm of untimely Ferrets that appeared to be attracted by the sweet, sweet smell of the pungent jellyfish.
Turning to face the ensuing mass of marauding mustelidae, Hugo cautiously reached for the small, yet wholly to scale, model of the Eiffel tower, which sat proudly on his mantelpiece.
With a milk-curdling scream, Hugo charged the multitude, skilfully delivering each and every ferret a stinging blow to the head with Frances most poignant landmark.
Apparently being biffed round the head with popular tourist attractions is a most suitable ferret deterrent as the disheartened mammals, squealing with dissatisfaction, promptly fled back to their underground shipyard.
Leaning against the wall and sighing an audible expulsion of air, Hugo glanced round the room and straight into the eyes of Courage Arkwright.
"What are they doing here?" asked Courage between clenched teeth and four unenlightened wildebeest, whilst pointing at the Kleenex jellyfish, which sparkled serenely under the light of a dappled sponge.
Hugo Lexington felt his ovaries tighten.
An inhuman look, not unlike that on a child's biscuit, started to form on Courage Arkwright's face.
"That's my grandmothers hamster bedding" lied Hugo.
Courage Arkwright glared at Hugo Lexington intently for at least fourteen minutes.
Standing before an incredibly disgruntled Courage, and quite frankly shitting himself, Hugo fumbled a theatrical apology and fell to his knees, his head rolled back and his mouth agape, like a crazed Belgian trying to catch falling chicken nuggets.
Courage stood before Hugo, tears falling from his eyes like dew off a newborn lamb.
Taking the Eiffel tower out of Hugo's unresisting hand Courage whacked Hugo a vicious blow on the elbow.
As a dark cloud slid over Hugo's eyes, memories of Courage Arkwright flittered across his mind like pigeons round a discarded waffle, all the while a deep sorrow burned his heart as he wished he'd found the courage to tell Courage that he loved him.
But he would die alone that day, sprawled out on the floor amongst the Kleenex jellyfish collection that had turned them against each other.
And as the water in lonely ponds began to reflect dusks crimson glare, in the distance came the terrifying cry of irate Ferrets, with welting head wounds, as they set upon despoiling all things hallowed by righteous men, and spreading an evil of such malevolence that would see them reign...
for about a week.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-12-07 13:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but Rocko's Modern Life kicks ass.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-07 13:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"like a ketamine riddled seaside donkey" that's great. it was like you filled out a madlibs.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2005-12-07 13:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brit post = +2.
Content was kewl too.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-12-07 13:26:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:12:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Snivelling like a Sudanese refugee,
------------------------------------------
The above was just one of many effective similies; There are probably metaphors but I'm too lazy to go back and look. The point is you use words well instead of wasting space with them.
I have a brother who had 2 pet ferrets. You capitalized ferret (Ferret) a couple times. Why? Quibbling aside, I really enjoyed this. I think it was well written -- for what that is worth.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-28 13:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How as no one realised the true mastery behind this post!?! It's randomness is hilarious... Well done old bean!
Oh and ermm... well just remember that I hate you.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-28 12:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snivelling like a Sudanese refugee,
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-28 11:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:33:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
oooooh NERD FIGHT!!
<opens packet of maltesers and crosses legs like a girl>
---------
MMmmmm.... maltesers. I'm headed to world market after work to get me some.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-28 11:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:54:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:47:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nurse: Doc, we need a sense of humour for Berty, STAT.
Doc: Fuck off - can't you see I'm in the middle of something? [reaches for golf club and unrolls putting matt]
-------------------
I know funny Spam. Off the wall funny is the hardest funny to do. You need a real joke with a real punchline and then you've got to scramble the words around, without the real gag though all you've got is Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.
---
To each his own - I laugh at disabled children so I guess that says all you want to know about my sense of humour.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:47:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nurse: Doc, we need a sense of humour for Berty, STAT.
Doc: Fuck off - can't you see I'm in the middle of something? [reaches for golf club and unrolls putting matt]
-------------------
I know funny Spam. Off the wall funny is the hardest funny to do. You need a real joke with a real punchline and then you've got to scramble the words around, without the real gag though all you've got is Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:36:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:33:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
oooooh NERD FIGHT!!
<opens packet of maltesers and crosses legs like a girl>
---------
I'm not a nerd."""
of course you are.
we all are otherwise we wouldn't be here.
anyway lads I am off.
have a good 'un.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nurse: Doc, we need a sense of humour for Berty, STAT.
Doc: Fuck off - can't you see I'm in the middle of something? [reaches for golf club and unrolls putting matt]
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you get a +2 for the title alone.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:33:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
oooooh NERD FIGHT!!
<opens packet of maltesers and crosses legs like a girl>
---------
I'm not a nerd.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oooooh NERD FIGHT!!
<opens packet of maltesers and crosses legs like a girl>
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dang you, I was hoping for a new MSPaint masterpiece for my desktop. Oh well, this was pretty cute.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A gratutious attempt at being 'very drole'.
Utter crap. Not too mention the repeated references to the private eye charachters that are distressingly similar to the works of Douglas Adams and Robert Rankin.
Would have been completely saved by the inclusion of 7.62mm general electric minigun.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ALL HAIL KING BUDGIEFUCKER!
Derv, send me a good kingly pic. I have a photoshop in mind.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-28 10:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, what?