i'm starting to become a better person, and it's not so bad (702 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: -0.9 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-10-28 15:56:50 EDT
Little things are sometimes the catalyst for the explosion, this flaring temper that has sometimes been the defining piece of, what people identify as, me. The vitriol pours out, I can't stop it, I don't even realize what I'm saying or doing, sometimes until I actually do it. Mindless anger. Frustration at a lack of control. I have found myself becoming angry at him. Never the explosion, but still, I get angry, he has to see me not smiling at him, not offering my best self.
I know I wouldn't hurt him, couldn't hurt him.
He has reshaped me, made me better than what I was.
He has erased some of the bitterness that was inside of me, I smile easier, I laugh at things that I would have been scornful towards before. I let things slide.
The times he has been scared or hurt have scarred me. As his face pinches down into itself, he doesn't look like himself, and I feel horror. As his face shows the changes, the transition from self to wounded self, I go cold, my stomach twists and my throat closes. My scalp crawls and there is the sensation of my height growing, as though I am trying to escape from the back of my own skull, through the scalp and not quite making it. The copper smell of blood fills the back of my nose and I feel panic....
He starts to go red in the face and then redder still. Tears and sobbing, quick intakes of breath, really more of a gasping for air, followed by silence that serves as punctuation, underscoring the pain. As the silence draws out, time slows and stops. Holds forever.
You can see where his face is going to fold on itself, wrinkle, after time works its magic on him. Each of these temporary wrinkles of pain are the precursors. Maybe these lines that serve as a personal portrait of experience for each of us will come for him sooner rather than later. Perhaps smiling, thoughtfulness, and laughter will shape the story of his life, as told through his face, instead of this pain and sorrow.
I see myself in his face. The same creasing of the forehead, expressive use of the eyebrows. He's a beautiful kid, enormous blue eyes, blonde hair, though it will turn dark with time, like mine did. It's already starting to. He looks like a member of my family. My other family, the one I have always had. He is my family now.
There is a picture of him. And a one of my younger brother, in the same poses. Same look, out of the corner of the eye, already skeptics, both of them, at less than a year of age.
My younger brother was the one who had to try the hardest. Had not only a father, but four older brothers, to live up to, prove himself to. He worked his ass off. If you hit the ball a mile, he'd hit it two. If we battered and bruised someone for calling mom a bitch, he'd make sure they bled.
Right before I was old enough to drive one of my friends turned the corner. The day he got his license his dad bought him a Corvette. Spoiled rotten fucker. He was one of those kids who had a swimming pool, and so was bored with the idea of using it, never wanted to, or used the thing as a tool. You and you are invited to come swim, but not YOU. Really a jackass, and not worth much of a fuck. I still see him around my town, and he's still not worth much of a fuck. He drives a rusty El Camino now.
So, one night Corvette-boy and I decided to go out, in pursuit of drugs, a piece of ass, whatever. As we're leaving, my younger brother decides to tag along. Two seat car, but what the hell, I always have more fun with my brothers than other people. Growing up together, our social shortcomings are pretty similar and so we tend to think alike about what constitutes a good time.
As the night progresses, we hit a party or two, smoke up, drink, just basically have a good time. Really it's just my brother and I talking shit, making a little trouble wherever we are, having a good time of it. Corvette-boy is just a chauffeur at this point.
As we leave the last place, we meet two girls, hit it off and start trying in the best way that a fifteen year old can, to get some action. As we start to go, they ask us to go back to their place. Nice.
Outside, as they see the three of us climbing into the car, they start giggling, whispering to each other, but still they tell us to follow along. After winding around for a while they wave us up beside them. When we pull up next to them, the passenger leans out the window and screams, "Fags!!" And they squeal away around the corner.
"Fucking bitches," says Corvette boy. "We do look like fags though. Three of us crammed in here...Why the fuck did we have to bring you?" he said to my brother, and generally just starts ragging on him.
For maybe the only time in my life I don't attempt to immediately and violently alter someone's face for going off on one of my family members. Instead I join in.
"...no shit. Maybe you are queer. Did you just want to try and sit in my lap? Get the fuck off of me. You stink, too."
I'm not really sure where this came from. Maybe I really looked at the judgment of a couple of cunts and felt some small loss. Redirected anger, from some stupid comments from two nothing people ready to go home with some guys they haven't known for an hour...stupid.
Corvette boy just starts laughing. I feel like a fuck the second the last word leaves my mouth. I want to snapkick this little rich kid jackass right in the side of his skull. But how do I do that? I'm the one who opened the door, I can't close it. And I can't apologize, or take it back. When this mean streak opens up, there's just a buzz in the back of my head. Reason flees and I can't back down. The irrational part of me feels that there is some shame to be had in recanting...
My brother just sat there, with his head bowed, not saying anything.
I never apologized for this and my brother never said anything about it to me. Hell, I don't even know if he remembers it happened, it was so long ago. But it still bothers me. Little things stay on, hounding my conscience, yet I don't feel bad about burning down the neighbors garage, the many broken noses, smashed windows...I don't even remember some of the hooligany, unless someone reminds me.
Growing older has served its purpose for me. This process of becoming an adult, becoming a human, is tiring. But finally I appreciate it. I don't make mistakes twice.
This is the person I love.
He has made me a better person.
I only hope that I can make him a better person than me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read half of this. Someone tell me if it just keeps blathering on the same bullshit.
STFU BREEDER.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 13:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PLEASE MAKE THIS PICTURE A LITTLE LARGER AND REPOST IT, I CANT QUITE SEE THE FUCKING KIDS INDIVIDUAL STRANDS OF DNA
holy shit man, that's impressivly huge. I can relate on the story... I still regret some of the things I did to my brother. but, what are big brothers for right? makes the little guy stronger or something.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stop using oathmeal to +2 yourself
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 DILF
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you fag; suck a dick, get a mouthful of the cum, and spit it in the air when you are laying down
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:40:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
I have no interest whatsoever in this "better person" deal.
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Shlongy, I knew that the thrashing would draw you in. Like a shark to blood in the water. I just expected a higher quality insult out of you. Maybe even enough to make me cry myself to sleep tonight. I'm disappointed.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Large, pixelated pictures of naked mole rats suck.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have no interest whatsoever in this "better person" deal.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Damn.
Yet another reason why babies suck.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:05:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
God damn, what kind of speed are you on?
I rated the thing the second I posted and you still beat me to the punch.
To answer your concern, perhaps if you check the mouth of your mother you can find some of the source DNA. It should get along swimmingly with whatever you deposited in her last night.
Thanks for finally showing up on one of my posts.
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hahaha touche
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wow, this picture is awesome
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHA, god damn, that picture must be life sized! No, even bigger than that, that baby's head takes up my whole monitor. Holy shit!
I won't -2 because it's soooo big it made me laugh. Also because it seems you know you're supposed to resize.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:59:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
PLEASE MAKE THIS PICTURE A LITTLE LARGER AND REPOST IT, I CANT QUITE SEE THE FUCKING KIDS INDIVIDUAL STRANDS OF DNA
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God damn, what kind of speed are you on?
I rated the thing the second I posted and you still beat me to the punch.
To answer your concern, perhaps if you check the mouth of your mother you can find some of the source DNA. It should get along swimmingly with whatever you deposited in her last night.
Thanks for finally showing up on one of my posts.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just repost it, and be quick about it, nerdlinger
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-28 16:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:59:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
PLEASE MAKE THIS PICTURE A LITTLE LARGER AND REPOST IT, I CANT QUITE SEE THE FUCKING KIDS INDIVIDUAL STRANDS OF DNA
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Kinda looks like yoda
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck, attached the preresized picture.
let the -2s commence
I hang my head in shame.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PLEASE MAKE THIS PICTURE A LITTLE LARGER AND REPOST IT, I CANT QUITE SEE THE FUCKING KIDS INDIVIDUAL STRANDS OF DNA