If You're Ever on Uranus.... (1299 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: planetseries
Rating: 1.93 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of Dragoncakes (View user info) at 2005-10-28 21:57:45 EDT
There once was a man from Uranus.
He made fun of the name and got punished.
They made him sell comical hats at the bus station. And by comical I mean sad. Sad things always make me laugh, so in a way the hats were comical. If you like laughing at crappy hats, that is.
This isn't the start of a very bad limerick. He really did sell hats at bus stations. He's been at it for 84.01 years. He makes his own hats and sells them from his little stand next to the main bus station. It's not a very lucrative business.
I was his first customer in those 84.01 years.
The hats really sucked.
"The hats are metaphors, sonny," he said, leaning against his crooked cane, next to his sideways stand. "Metaphors for our worries in this world."
My hat was a crown made out of a pink napkin. I guess all my worries are tinted pink.
"Uh huh," I looked up at the sky, eyeing the rings above my head. "What are the rings made of?"
He shrugged. "Lost Frisbees. The ones your dad promised to get off the roof, but he never got around to it."
I eyed the old man. "Those don't look like Frisbees to me. Looks more like ice. Big chunks of ice."
"You live in your world, I'll live in mine."
So I sat on the curb, next to his crummy sideways hat stand. When they said Uranus is sideways, I think the people took it a little too literally. The bus station was on its side too. Oddly enough, that's not the strangest thing I've seen all day.
"Maybe no one buys your hats because they can't read the sign because, you know, it's sideways."
He glared. "They can read just fine. They just don't like the truth. The truth about the hats."
The phone booth on the sideways bus station began to ring. The old man grumbled as he limped over to the phone. I was staring as he went. No use in getting up.
"It's for you," he said, holding out the receiver.
Fine. I'll get up.
"When you coming home, stargazer?" The silky voice asked me.
I shrugged. "When I find my home, I'll tell you."
"You're running out of room to run."
I looked around the bus stop. The soil wasn't quite blue, but it wasn't quite any other color I've ever seen. Unblue soil on a blue planet. Come home? Come home to what? Pockets of memories and hollow souvenirs? I took the pink hat off my head and crumpled it in my hands.
"See you on the moon, sweetheart."
I hung up. I walked back to the old man and handed him the crumpled paper ball. He looked at the ball, then at me, then at the approaching bus. It screeched to a stop and a few more lonely souls walked out to stare at the oddly sideways bus station.
"Try to sell them your metaphorical truth-hats," I said to the old man. "They look interested in buying."
Back on the bus I went.
If you're ever on Uranus, don't make any jokes about the name or they'll make you sell hats outside of the bus station. Nobody likes the bus station. Even the bus station hates the bus station. If I were a bus station, I'd hate myself too.
Here's a picture of my cat.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 02:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did the care bear taste good?
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-03 22:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the little kitty on the carebear.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-11-03 22:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been having dreams about it, so I might.
Or else I might make a post that says 'And then they all died.'
Either or.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-11-03 18:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've really been slacking in my stevie readings. Gonna start up de integro again?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-30 00:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for you to write about uranus.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-29 11:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy sweet Jebus! What the fuck have you been smoking?
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-29 10:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why am I not the least bit surprised that "The Yellow Dart" posted a likt to a homestarrunner.com cartoon?
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-10-29 03:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not going to ruin the streak, but what the hell is this?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-29 00:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder how often the astronomical world wishes someone had just named the fucking planet Neptune.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-28 23:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There once was a man from Uranus,
Whose writing just wanted to stain us,
He whopped us instead,
and thought we were dead,
but his corn just wanted to stain us.. . .
Now, THAT SUCKS!! Heh!!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail72.html
Whatch out for EH! Steve!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EH, STEVE!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Just... wow.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wish my tongue was long enough.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KITTY!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some trekkie geek told me there are klingons circling uranus. I got more out of that stupid shit than I did reading this.
+2 for smoking better shit than what I got.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-28 22:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful!
Again.