As if we didn't have enough to worry about... (674 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ananse.ananse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-30 20:48:42 EST
Flinstones vitamins. In gummy form.
Now, we all know that 90% of kids go absolutely batshit for sweet eats, regardless of the form that they come in. If the random crap they're cramming into their craws is actually meant to be ingested in somewhat-reasonable quantities (say, eight ounces or less on a binge), so much the better, but those little devils in the springtime of their youth will ingest ungodly amounts of anything that makes their happy zone tingle (the psychological one, unless they're just weird like that). Up to and including medicine.
I remember when I was little I picked up one of those little brown, coated aspirin tablets off the ground. Without a second thought about the origins of said tab, I ventured a lick...mmmm...sweet. Pill popped, my happy zone is tingling, it's all good. I remember that for weeks after that particular happy my eyes were kept peeled for those delicious little brown bits of sweetness. Luckily the only things I found strewn upon the floor weren't edible, or were "icky" to the point of being off-putting. I imagine that if I had found an actual bottle of those buggers I would have been in the fast lane to the painful land of stomach pumps. We all can't be that fortunate, however.
Kids are stupid. I can't stress that point enough. My elder brother and I, along with a couple of the local rascals (a boy of age three or four whose name I can't recall, a girl about my age named Olivia, and a miniature hellion by the name of Kestrel), were rummaging through some odds and ends and happened upon a pack of Pepto Bismol tablets...
Sweet, deliciously rich Pepto Bismol tablets. Pink ambrosia to the child without candy. Now the older kids, well familiar with the uncomfortable future of ingesting more than a small bit of Pink Smack, turned their eyes upon the youngest of the group, in all his wide-eyed innocence.
"Hey, have this, it's candy!"
"Okay! -eats the entire god-damned pack-"
He hung out with us less after that.
Tums, Advil (with the sweet coating only), Mylanta, Pepto Bismol...if ita child will consume them all with reckless abandon without proper supervision, regardless of the chalky, bitter, or otherwise unpleasant aftertaste.
Now we have Flinstones (or generic cartoon animals, if your parents were the frugal types) brand vitamins. Mmm-mmm-mmm, good AND good for you! Unlike those other mystical substances, mommy won't scream at you and daddy won't tan your hide if you eat two or ten (well, maybe the frugal types...wasting their damned money, you little bastard). Almost as good as candy...but there's something missing...oh wait, put it into a form that's almost indistinguishable from candy!
Yeah, eating too much will give them a nice little tummy ache, but unlike mass quantities of medicince, once they recover they'll be supercharged with Vitamins A through Q...and you know what that means...the end of the human race as we know it. A new wave of prepubescent superhumans, now taken under the spell of delicious nutrition, will stop at no means to aquire their drug of choice. Our generation of burger-fed desk-sitters will be left crushed and crippled in their wake.
God help us all.
User Reviews
Submitted by FREAKIN_SWEET (user info) at 2005-11-12 17:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work. read your stuff earlier on, meant to sign on to rate it, but i forgot up until now.
keep it up, dude.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-01 02:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-10-31 09:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good concept, but haven't you heard any of those news stories about little kids who eat a bottle of vitamins and then die of iron poisoning?!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-31 07:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for all. For me, a n00b, getting on B@W!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77872
I love Uber!
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-10-30 23:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They have gumball vites now, as well.
I drank a cup of Chloroseptic at age 10. It made me barf but I didn't feel it coming up, since my throat was all numb.
"Kestrel"!?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-30 21:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We used to get chewable vitamins, but somehow they were prescription...anyway, one day I walked into the kitchen and my sister (who must have been a toddler) ate much of my pill-bottle of vitamins. Nothing happened; my dad said her pee would probably turn fluorescent colors, but nothing substantial.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-30 21:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop posting so often.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-10-30 21:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-30 21:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, well. This could get confusing.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-30 21:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, sweet medicinal memories- orange Triaminic and Kaopectate were my drugs of choice.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-10-30 21:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-30 20:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. So why the hell did you lurk unpublished
for almost a year? I want to see more.