Neurotic Noir: Part 10 -- "Phase II" (504 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.9 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-10-31 13:58:23 EST
Part 1 - "Hole in the Head": http://www.ubersite.com/m/75075
Part 2 - "Perceptive Goth": http://www.ubersite.com/m/75152
Part 3 - "Sex and Tattoos": http://www.ubersite.com/m/75460
Part 4 - "Shpatë Dragua": http://www.ubersite.com/m/75602
Part 5 - "A Kiss for Each": http://www.ubersite.com/m/75721
Part 6 - "Cracked Safe/Broken Levee": http://www.ubersite.com/m/75913
Part 7 - "Coming Into Focus": http://www.ubersite.com/m/76074
Part 8 - "Finally 20/20": http://www.ubersite.com/m/76136
Part 9 - "Phase I Revisited": http://www.ubersite.com/m/77936
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For the decade or so that my parents owned the Deli, the surrounding area flourished. Business bustled, patrons smiled, children played stickball. It was corny Americana at its best. And we served the best coffee and egg sandwich combo anywhere. Times were good then.
But then...well, "then" was another lifetime, another world.
"Now" is the polar opposite of "then." Streetwalkers provide the bulk of business matters around these parts. If you care to pay attention to it, you can even watch "business" happen in certain alleyways. All of a sudden, the red neon sign over my parents' old deli provides double meaning. The thought of Lilly walking with these trashy hookers sends a shiver down to my feet; according to her diary, though, she's more of a high-price escort than a streetwalker. That would lead me to think it wasn't much of a coincidence that she ran into me last night. It means she's been lying.
Enough about her. I need to know why the current employees of the establishment gave me those dirty looks while I ate my shitty breakfast here yesterday. Phase II.
--
"Your meal is on the house, sir." Well, that's awfully nice of the waitress to offer me a free meal. Almost as nice as the generous amount of cleavage exposed by her uniform. She seems young, but her haphazard hairdo (loose bun held in place with a pencil) expose tired eyes surrounded by the beginnings of wrinkles. I'm guessing the wrinkles are an effect of her pregnant belly. It's a damn shame. "Just eat it quick and get the fuck out and don't come back." Okay, that was pretty rude. And to think, I was going to engage her in cordial discussion. Well, fuck this bitch.
"If you don't mind my asking, is that your demand, or that of the owner of this fine establishment?"
"It's from both of us! Just eat and get out or you'll be sorry!" Me? Be sorry in my own fucking place? These shoddy purple booths, these rickety stools, all the coffee stains on the counter--they're supposed to add character to this place...this fucking pregnant slut is ruining it!! "Who the fuck is in charge here??!?"
":::gAAGHGH:::"
Yikes. I probably shouldn't choke a pregnant woman. "Sorry about that." Too late. The kitchen staff doesn't seem too thrilled that I'm in here beating up a defenseless--holy shit, she's pulling out a gun! Fight or flight?
Fuck her.
<CRACK>
Jesus, I never would have predicted getting so much pleasure from punching a pregnant chick square in the temple. While she's lying down, I'll just take that firearm from her so I can defend myself from these hooligans--I have limited bullets in the cowboy gun, and they're each for very specific targets.
Man, look at these customers hiding under the tables--I figured they'd be used to this. Oh, well. Let's see, who's first...? Hairnet-guy behind the counter, nice.
<BANG>
I'm pretty sure he's dead, but no time to check.
<BANG> <BANG> <BANG>
It's a pretty simple concept--shoot first. Why are these guys so stupid? Oh, man, what if this is a setup? Does he know I'm coming for him? No, he couldn't...that fucking gorilla was always always so dumb. But these--
<BANG>
--guys are dumber than movie henchmen! They might as well be cattle at a slaughterhouse. Jack Desh's Slaughterhouse. Shit, time to duck!
<BANG>
Shit, that just missed me!
<BANG>
That was close! Good thing that dude had bad aim...aww, look at that sad kid under that table. Curly blond hair and pale skin? He seems so out of place in this neighborhood...reminds me of me in another time...
<BANG>
These guys are fucking amateurs...REAL fucking amateurs. Let's see...20, 40, 60, 80, 100. I think a hundred bucks is still a lot to kids nowadays. "Hey, buddy, here you go. Don't spend it all in one place!" Just as I expected. Those eyes look really huge now behind those tears. I hope he doesn't get shot on the way out of here. Alright, let's have a look over the counter...nothing.
I bet they're waiting for me in the kitchen. Amateurs. Let's just fire some warning shots around the corner here...
<BANG><BANG><BANG>
Quick peek...3 shots, 2 dead guys. One black guy is turning gray as he tries to keep the blood from pouring out his neck. The other guy's face is frying next to some hamburgers--no, wait, those are pieces of his brain. Funny, the smell could have fooled me. That seems to be everyone...9 short-order cooks and busboys by my count.
Man, I'm hungry...whoa, bacon, eggs and home fries! Score! Feels like I haven't eaten in so long...wait a minute--that's a lot of guys in the kitchen for only one waitress--
"We've missed you, you piece of shit." Ah, shit, I knew there was another bitch.
<CRACK>
--
"WAKE THE FUCK UP NIGGA!" Holy shit, that's loud! Ow, my forehead is throbbing! Is that who I think it is...? Nice, I found my guy! If only I weren't tied to this chair.
"It's been a while, Ronzell."
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-23 11:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Mostly still worked for me, except the <BANG> parts. Didn't really care for that.
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2005-12-27 23:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-03 12:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was an "action" episode. Well, supposed to be, anyway. In retrospect, I should have developed Jack's character a little more to show how capable he is in these situations. I think when I was posting this my angle was that he's handy with the fighting and all that nonsense despite the fact that it's been a while.
I totally understand where you're coming from, though...maybe I was trying to spice things up too much. I'll take that into consideration when the next "action" episode/chapter/part comes up.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-11-03 11:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you probably know I've been following this. I've enjoyed the story until this one. The style is completely different and seemed far too contrived and or forced. I'll watch for the next one but this one just didn't work for me at all. The realism you've been able to provide before was just all kinds of gone in this one. Maybe it was the internal dialogue or the fact that he was able to dispatch all but the bitch he was looking for, who just happened to be there to take him when he thought he was done. I don't know if my rambling nonsense made any sense so I'll leave you with this:
I'm surrounded by assholes!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-01 22:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my lordy, I sparked a nerve. Okay, first of all, have you read the previous parts? If you have, you'd know the cowboy gun isn't actually "his," so he can't really refer to it as "my" gun.
Thank you for the honesty, though. At least you read some of it.
I need to write up a fart joke post for this new era of Uber.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
genius?
your description of the other weapon was so well done i don't know how i could have
missed it!
maybe; my....instead of the??????
i guess i'll be like everyone else and ignore this series.....
***
btw....you bitch about a 0????
OK RyuFu, now you get honesty.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey genius, he didn't use the "cowboy gun." That's why he took the unspecified gun from the waitress.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-11-01 02:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
too many shots for a revolver
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:02:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hillary?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-10-31 14:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Swank.