Haloween: It Ain't What It Used To Be (982 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.94 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-10-31 15:18:48 EST
So today is Halloween, huh? This was always one of my favorite holidays as a kid, but it doesn't seem like it's even here this year. The magic is just gone, I guess.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might just be too big now to put on a fairy suit and trapse around the neighborhood asking for candy...even if it IS Halloween.
I felt the same way last year when I went door to door asking for heroin. (I was supposed to be a junkie.) People were scared all right! So scared they shut the door in my face and called the cops. I was so convincing they even threw me in jail for a couple nights and a district judge sentenced me to rehab.
For authenticity, I'd spent the previous month sleeping on my blankey by the river, and since tract marks are not easily mimiced, I had repeatedly stuck some used needles I luckily found in a park garbage can in my arm. The effect was uncanny! I think I had the best costume of anybody! Unfortunately, noone else seemed to think so.
In light of my past failure, I've decided not to participate in Halloween this year. I'm not even going to hand out candy. I'm just gonna open the door to the youngsters with a machete in hand, and then invite them in for tea.
Half the bastards don't even say "trick or treat" anymore anyway; they just hold out their bags expectantly like you know what the fuck they want; then when you give them candy, they just turn and haul ass without so much as a "thank you".
Fuck those little pricks!
In fact, I think I won't even invite them in if that's the way they wanna be! I'll just give them the fucking tea bag and let them find their own goddamn hot water!
Hell, they don't even trick or treat at night anymore. What the purpose in trying to scare anyone if when they answer the door you can't disappear into the hedges and leap out at them when they poke their head 'round...or pelt them in the face with fecal matter and vanish into the night anonymously?
Fuck it. I think when the little fuckers say "trick or treat" I'm just gonna say "trick" and stand there, waiting for the implications of my decision while I take mental notes of their attire, height, race, and other vital statistics for the police.
I realize that Halloween is supposed to be the season of giving and all, but I just can't get in the spirit. Kids nowadays don't even know how to properly egg a car. It's pathetic.
This Saturday night, I was on my way home from the cemetary when across my windshield flew what looked like a round, white bird. After a split second's consideration, I realized that there is no such thing as a species of round, white bird, so I concluded it must have been a bird egg, probably of the species gallus domesticus - better known as 'chicken'. I slammed on the brakes and stepped out of my car. In the bushes beside the road I saw a myriad of little bodies scatter. "Those fuckers," I thought. "I'll teach them!"
Over the next three hours, my new friends and I pelted passing motorists with all manner of bird fetus as I taught them the proper way to throw in front of the passing car or 'lead the throw' so as to acheive a high probability of impact.
After that I gave them what was left of my whiskey and drove home to unload the contents of my trunk and, consequently, my balls.
Happy Halloween!
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is hilarious. The responses - doubly so.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a good tradition for america because if you don't want to play you can just put a sign in the lawn saying 'armed response beyond this point' and put a rifle next to the window.
Wouldn't work over here though, we're enlightened.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-01 01:41:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-01 01:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been answering the door wearing nothing but a pair of white briefs, one knee-high sock, and a top hat.
In one hand: A bloody philips head screwdriver.
In the other: A to-scale plastic fetus, 19 weeks old.
Humming "She's Having My Baby" all the while.
Good times.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-01 01:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:18:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my country embraced this custom.
-==--=--=-=-=-=-=
So do I.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my country embraced this custom.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-31 18:22:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll go TP my buddies house tonight for old time sake. Maybe I'll try to get him drunk and have him help me.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! +2 for that comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-31 18:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, Halloween aint what it used to be. Having to trick or treat before night fall just sucks. Plus, I used to be great at ther "trick" part. My talent with a role of TP was legendary. If you saw something I TPed, you'd applaud and wonder "how in the fuck are they going to clean all that up?"
I think I'll go TP my buddies house tonight for old time sake. Maybe I'll try to get him drunk and have him help me.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-31 17:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
I remember the Halloweens of the 70s.
*sniff sniff* Excuse me but I'm getting a little teary eyed and nostalgic here.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:00:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
...but the cute little boys are a no go, I can tell you that for sure.
*******
butchers apron, ski mask, gas chain saw, screen door's fucked, porch is a mess.......
good times
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nobody trick or treats round here. They'd either get an illegal immigrant, a heroin addict or a wannabe gangster opening the door. Whichever it is, you ain't getting any sweets and you may lose a kidney.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seeing as this will be my last night serving the public, I intend to have a good time with the little bastards at the "family" store I am leaving.
As a matter of fact, I'm already half an hour late. Oops.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:10:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
we're not answering the door- the pompey chavs don't even dress up
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Bloody nudist chavs!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we're not answering the door- the pompey chavs don't even dress up
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The price of candy at my house:
One candy bar = One heart attack.
I shall be posting pics tomorrow.... Unless I'm in the clink of course.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:00:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:56:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
the cute little girls always have their parents with them now
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I haven't noticed...but the cute little boys are a no go, I can tell you that for sure.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the cute little girls always have their parents with them now
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is some friggin ankle-biter down the hall from me that keeps yelling:
HAHD-O-WEEN
HAHD-O-WEEN
HAHD-O-WEEN
It's kinda like her-ca-lees, her-ca-lees.
If I don't go on a murderous rampage this afternoon, I never will.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:39:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
i never really thought about the flaming bags of shit before. I just assumed a gooey, wet pile of shit was flammable. But of course it's not. When people see a fire on their front porch, their instant reaction is to STOMP ON IT. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
everybody knew this but me.
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Dude, sometimes you're so aloof it's scary.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:37:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
This other kid had barbies glued all over him, chick magnet. Even though this wasn't too original, it was funny to see an 8 yr old kid tell me, "hey man, I can't turn it off."
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Well, at least he didn't have pocket pussies all over him. *idea begins to form*
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i never really thought about the flaming bags of shit before. I just assumed a gooey, wet pile of shit was flammable. But of course it's not. When people see a fire on their front porch, their instant reaction is to STOMP ON IT. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
everybody knew this but me.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm always sure to yell, "you're welcome!!!!"
Especially if their imbred fucking parents are with them.
I also have 2 candy selections, the first I reserve for the shitty run of the mill costumes,
ex: spiderman, pirates, dinsaurs, Tonya Harding, ect.
The other I give to the kids that put some goddamn elbow grease and brain power into it,
ex: some kid was a rolex watch one year, fucking hilarious. I gave him 5 dollars.
This other kid had barbies glued all over him, chick magnet. Even though this wasn't too original, it was funny to see an 8 yr old kid tell me, "hey man, I can't turn it off."
If i catch the woman giving good candy to shitty costumes, she gets the hose.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:30:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I myself dread all the little ghey looking Spiderman, Batman, and Barbie costumes that will come a-knocking.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid 13 year old pricks come to your door, no costumes, smoking a joint, "Hey, man, got any candy?" At this point, I have managed to build a fully-automatic M16 assault rifle out of the candy bowl, a plexiglass frame, and a roll of sweet tarts, and I pump the little bastards full of sugary goodness. Screaming ensues, though the kids continue puffing on the blunt. The sweet tarts are still too sour.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamn whippershnappers
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking kids these days.