The last Biblical Concert. (1076 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-10-31 18:17:11 EST
And so it came to pass that a bearded man sat on a wooden stool in the middle of the room; a bowl of water at his feet, a towel lay on his lap. Gathered around him were twelve other men, some bearded and some balding. The seated man looked around at the faces of the members of the greatest rock band Jerusalem had ever known.
The band had wowed crowds for many years and had built up a cult following but the lead singer had an announcement to make and he wanted this night to be special.
"Tonight" the seated man started "will be the last concert performed by The Apostles as a group".
All of the members of the band looked upon the seated man with surprised concern on their faces.
"Does this mean you are going solo Jesus" Peter stated with hurt in his voice.
"No" said Jesus "One of you will play out of key tonight and it will mean the end of our live careers" he finished with looking at Judas who turned his head in shame, for he knew that Jesus knew, Judas was the one.
A soft muttering erupted which Jesus quieted with the raising of his hand. "So before we play tonight I will wash the genitals of each and everyone of you, starting with you Matthew".
Matthew stepped before the seated man and lifted his shroud. Jesus leaned forward and cupped Matthew's balls in the palm of his hand and poured water over his penis and began washing him clean. "That tickles" Mathew exclaimed as Jesus towelled his genitals dry.
"Next" Jesus stated as James stepped before him and lifted his shroud. "I see why they call you James the Lesser" Jesus said cupping the mans testicles "That's quite a tiny penis you have" to which James blushed with embarrassment. After washing all twelve men's genitals Jesus stood and picked up a guitar and began smashing it into pieces as the astonished men looked on.
Handing each man in turn a piece of the broken guitar Jesus said "Take this as this is my body which is broken for you" handing each member a glass of whisky he went on with "Drink this as this is my blood which is shed for you".
That night the band played terribly because Judas played out of key on purpose. The critics where incredibly harsh in the tabloids the following day and called for the crucifixion of Jesus the lead singer.
Now gathered on the hill called Calvary the critics tied Jesus to a large wooden Guitar with guitar strings and taunted him. "You are not the rock messiah," they jeered. Later that night when the crowd had dispersed Jesus looked to the heavens and cried "Lord, father why have you forsaken me? I only ever wanted to play Rock and Roll"
"Do not despair my son" a booming voice echoed from the heavens "Man does not deserve good Rock and Roll so I will give them terrible music like disco and rap then they will see what they have missed out on"
"What is to become of me?" Jesus exclaimed.
Too which the booming voice replied "You will be resurrected when man cannot endure disco and rap any longer and form a band called the Disciples who will give Rock and Roll back to the people. You will be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame and a book will be written about you that man will cherish for all time, this book will be called, The Rock and Roll Bible.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably the best thing I've ever read on Uber.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus rocks!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh, James the Lesser.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-01 05:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great post
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-11-01 05:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-01 05:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Utter coolness.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-10-31 23:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more interesting than your typical mythology.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-31 23:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-10-31 21:42:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAHWHATEVER! So...
What do you bitches know about Andrew Jackson and his fight to close the 2nd Bank of the United States? Because I have this paper thing due tomorrow and... yeah.
_______________________________________________________________
Jackson was found not guilty. Ooops! Wrong Jackson. . .
Submitted by malbin (user info) at 2005-10-31 22:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rap sux
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-10-31 21:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-10-31 21:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAHWHATEVER! So...
What do you bitches know about Andrew Jackson and his fight to close the 2nd Bank of the United States? Because I have this paper thing due tomorrow and... yeah.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-31 21:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Judas was on keys? The fuck man? That's just asking for problems from the get-go SAXXXON.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-31 21:11:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thou shalt rot in the nether regions of Hell. With lots
of company. Good job.
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
loL! kick-ass
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe. Dat's good.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
xI heard that the Apostles' follow-up album - "Penile Resurrection (On The Third Day It Rose Again") - went triple platinum.
Or triple myhrr. Whatever they're using these days.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-31 19:46:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-31 19:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A fresh spin on an old story!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-31 19:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, what did Judas get, a record deal with Suge Knight?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-31 19:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I HEAR JERUSALEM LIKES TO PARTYYYY!
*crowd cheers*
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-31 19:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jc's amp goes up to eleven.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-31 18:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
let's have a great round of applause for JC and the Magic 12!!!!!!!
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-10-31 18:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-31 18:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hehehehe Jack Danials mostly Willy and it helps to be a little insane and have a mistrust of the bible.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-31 18:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly, where do you come up with this stuff?