I swear, with Satan as my witness, someone pissed in my mate's gene pool (862 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.71 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2005-11-01 07:42:38 EST
We all know looking at other people's holiday photos is boring as shit. But sometimes on rare occasions, something interesting does happen to make the story/slide show worthy of your attention.
That's probably not the case with this story, but fuck it. I'm bored and you wouldn't be reading if you weren't too.
Four or five years ago a friend of mine, we'll call him Allan, spent a couple of months on a surfing trip through Indonesia. This trip was his first time abroad, and up until that point he'd led a somewhat sheltered life, and as a result he came across as being dumb as a door knob.
Allan is a year older than me, and attended the same high school as I did, before he dropped out aged 15 to start a building apprenticeship. Picture the stereotypical Aussie beach bum with a tenth grade education, who doesn't mind smoking the occasional (i.e. hourly) bowl, and you'll have a fair idea of the type I'm talking about.
Despite Allan's, shall we say, lack of book smarts, some of the things he came out with after a few beers became legendary among our circle of friends. He just seemed to have a knack for thinking up stupidly funny sayings.
Sitting around drinking one night, he shouted, "Fuck! What is that? That smell is SATAN!" Blank looks from anyone within earshot were followed by laughter and murmurs of "Satan? What the fuck?"
Pretty soon the word Satan was used by all my friends to describe everything. Bad hangover? "Oh man, I feel Satan today." Disgusting picture in a porno mag? "Oi, Check this out. This chick's beef curtains are Satan!"
Anyway, I think you get the idea. The guy was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Now when he returned from his surfing trip in Indonesia, my friends and I caught up with him and we sank a few beers with the intention of heading out to an Irish bar later in the evening.
Inevitably, we asked him how his trip was, and with a smile he recalled the fun he had surfing all day and drinking cheap booze all night. Allan said, "You wouldn't believe how easy it is to get laid over there. Everyone is up for a good time and they just want to have fun." He then proceeded to tell us a tale of the tag team he did with a random guy and 2 women.
Yeah, Dr Hibbert called, your Teste-itch-eze is ready for collection. Filthy bastard.
It wasn't all plain sailing, however. Apparently karma came back to bite his arse; he got sick and projectile vomited for 3 consecutive days after brushing his teeth with tap water.
"The weed was fucking quality, though." he said, nodding his head enthusiastically. "I brought an ounce from this other Aussie guy for about 50 Australian dollars." The pothead element in my circle of friends was impressed.
We asked him how he found flying, as it was his first time on an aircraft, and his facial expression dropped immediately. "Yeah, it was alright." was all he said. Sensing he wasn't telling us everything, we pressed him for more information; we half expected to hear a story of travel sickness or some sordid sex tale with some hot Asian air hostess.
"Well, the flight over was cool." he said. "I was a bit nervous taking off and landing, but otherwise it was just like riding in a bus on a really smooth highway. The food was shit but there was free booze, so I got stuck into that to pass the time."
We encouraged him to go on.
"The flight home was a bit, um, weird though. I turned up to this tiny little airport with all my gear and checked in, but the airports are a bit different over there. You give them your passport, they give you a boarding pass and you just go and sit in the lounge and wait for your flight. When you go to board your plane, your bags go through the metal detectors, you put them on a cart and the baggage staff put them on the plane then.
Anyway, I was sitting in the lounge and eating some food with all my gear at my feet, and this dog came walking over. I thought it was a stray and just wanted some of my food, but I was too hungry to give some of it to a random dog, so I told it to piss off. It decided to sit down next to me, so I stood up and softly booted it up the arse, and told it to go home.
All of the sudden a bunch of guys with guns came running over and threw me on the floor and pinned my arms behind my back. I started yelling at them, "What the fuck did I do? What did I do?"
>>>>>>>>>>> Interlude- Needless to say, by this point we were all absolutely rolling around on the floor laughing. So far, my dumb fucking mate had brought weed in Indonesia, presumably stored it in one of his bags, disposed of whatever he had remaining at the end of his trip and headed to the airport. A customs sniffer dog has smelt the luggage which previously housed the weed, sat down to indicate that it has smelt something, and my mate has booted the dog up the arse and told it to piss off. All this in a country which carries the death penalty for smuggling marijuana. <<<<<<<<<<<<<
Allan continued, amid muffled laughter.
"Anyway, these guys handcuffed me and took me into an interview room, and another guy brought my luggage and surfboard in and started unpacking it. He kept asking where I'd hidden the drugs. I told him a few times that I wasn't carrying any, and that I'd gotten rid of it before coming to the airport.
They went through all of my bags, pulled all out all of my clothes and didn't find anything. Then they started harping on about the dog having a reason to stop and sniff more closely, and asking again where I'd hidden the drugs.
Finally, they told me to take all of my clothes off, put them on the table and stand facing the wall with my legs spread."
We sat dead silent, awaiting the almost inevitable part of the story. "Well, as I was facing the wall, I heard one of the guys putting on rubber gloves, and, well, you know the rest...."
My friends and I erupted into a fit of shocked laughter.
"Oh man it was Satan." he said. "I found two doobies in the lining of my bag when I got home."
-------------------------------------------
I know there is a lesson in here somewhere.
Notes to self-
Don't store weed in luggage when overseas.
Tag teams should be left to the professionals at WWE.
Allan should be violated by a synthetic bong hose, and sterilised using a pair of rusty hedge scissors for being so dumb.
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-11-23 12:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just fuckin great
Submitted by shirlz (user info) at 2005-11-02 07:30:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Is "Allan"'s real name Jordan? Cos this sounds exactly like something my mate Jordan would do.
We call him J-Lo, the silly bastard.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-02 05:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about malbin
User id: 22582
Registered on or around: 2005-10-12 23:13:52
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 15
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
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Well fuck me. Who'd have thunk it? A minus 2 from someone who's either a shitty alter, or still able to masturbate over pictures of a goat eating a tin can.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool shit
Submitted by malbin (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ITS A FEW FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL ASSHOLE.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, good times, good times..
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'sgood stuff rawt thur
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 12:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
outFUCKINGstanding.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heheheheh
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha!
With my friends and I, everything was "ass."
It looked like ass, tasted like ass, smelled like ass...you get the picture.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wasted away in margaritaville,
searching for my lost shaker of salt.
Oh here it is.
Mindy has a motorcycle.
<end mindless Simpsons psychobabble>
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a fun trip, expecially the last part!!
Submitted by Bobbywangstar (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was pretty cool.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha, cool.
Submitted by Chicane (user info) at 2005-11-01 07:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment