Excuse me, you forgot your bomb. (839 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jollydodger (View user info) at 2005-11-01 08:37:10 EST
When you're 13 there seems to be one thing on your mind. No, it's not what you think. At that age, most boys are concentrating intensely on the best, most efficient and most expedient way of exiting the gene pool.
Life at that age is about seeking out danger wherever it lurks. Life is about insane BMX ramps, pellet guns, Molotov cocktails, skateboards, firecrackers and go-karts. Brakes? We don't need no stinkin' brakes. Don't you know we're made of adamantium? I honestly have no idea how any of us survived.
My friends and I were no different. One of our favourite activities was making chlorine bombs. Now there are various ways to make chlorine bombs. You can use a mixture of chlorine and brake-fluid. Using chlorine and creosote (that horrible smelling black stuff they treat telephone posts and fences with) causes it to burn with a cool blue flame. But, because there wasn't always that stuff lying around, the way we usually did it was with sugar and water.
One fine day three of us got ourselves a 1-litre glass sprite bottle. We filled 2 thirds of it with chlorine and one third with sugar. This isn't an exact science, but seemed to work usually. Not wanting to blow the house up, or should I say, not wanting to get caught while blowing the house up, we decided to walk to an open plot of land not far away.
When we arrived we found the plot was empty. With the precision of a crack ranger squad, we ran into the field and deployed the bottle with a funnel positioned over the neck. Even though I was pretty busy trying not to die in a horrific explosion, I did notice a line of holes neatly dug in the earth nearby. It looked like someone had been digging holes for fence poles.
I didn't think much of it at the time and watched as my friend Bruce poured in the water that would activate the chemical reaction turning a harmless bottle of grains into the rough equivalent of half a stick of TNT.
I quickly screwed on the plastic cap as hard as I could and beat it to the tree line about 20 metres away. My friends were already there and I took cover behind a sturdy trunk and waited for the explosion I knew would come.
Peeking out from behind my cover I noticed two figures walking into view carrying shovels. Christ! It was two black labourers obviously back from lunch. So they were the ones digging the holes for the fence! It was too late to warn them and they'd taken up position right next to the primed explosive device that we had just set!
Admittedly, they didn't seem all that perturbed that a suspicious-looking bottle has appeared in their work area and was now hissing loudly. Far from it. They ignored the bottle, leaning on their shovels, chatting, watching as it seethed and bubbled furiously less than three metres from their soft, squishy human forms.
I couldn't hear their conversation, but I imagine it went something like this:
"So Joe, did you watch the football last night?"
"Yeah, great game. Hey look at that bottle bubbling."
"Yeah, it's kinda pretty..."
You know in movies, when an atomic bomb goes off and there's that split second of silence when all you see is a blinding flash of light that expands silently outward in a ring? And then...
Bingo.
They say that just before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. The same is true just before you (almost) kill someone. Except your past doesn't flash before your eyes, your future does. In mine I saw juvenile hall, myself on the streets, a life of petty crime, botty rape in prison etc etc. Not good.
The device exploded not with a bang, but with an ear-shattering low-pitched boom. It hit you in the chest like a punch from a prizefighter and knocked the wind out of you. I once went to a Formula One race and on deceleration the cars make a low rumbling noise that can make you nauseous. This was on a par with that.
Bits of glass, and possibly human body parts pelted my tree and shrapnel embedded itself in the bark less than a foot from my face. I winced and glanced at my two comrades who had both turned a light grey colour.
Peering around the tree I caught a glimpse of the devastation we had wrought. I could see nothing but a mammoth cloud of choking chlorine gas about the size of a house. My nostrils began to fill with the acrid smell and my throat began to close.
I took a moment to appreciate the impressive explosion we had caused before the realization that I had just bombed and gassed two Negroes rang the doorbell of my mind. It invited itself in like a salesmen, bearing brochures.
"Here's your guilt starter-pack," it said cheerfully, "I'll have the warehouse send over a big box of remorse later today."
That was enough for me. I turned tail and fled in the opposite direction. My friends were hard on my heels. We ran like the wind. Even though it was only a few hundred yards back to my place, we took the scenic route, running 5 miles out of our way. You know in encyclopaedias you get those animal speed charts? At the back they've got slow things like cows and dodos and at the front they've got the cheetah? Well in between the ostrich and the wildebeest they should have a picture of three hysterical 13-year-old boys screaming, because that's how fast we were going.
In the end no one was injured, but there was a pretty big witch-hunt. We had to lie low for a long time. Eventually it blew over, but it was a long time before we played with chlorine bombs again. And even then it wasn't quite the same.
On another note, I don't know why everyone thinks Gwen Steffani is so hot. She has no tits whatsoever and in her videos she looks like she's been shot in the face with Homer's makeup gun. You should always be suspicious when the director burns out the video to such an extent that all you can see is a pair of lips and two pupils. It means in real life she actually looks like Danny Devito's less-attractive elder brother.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-09 00:29:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this very much.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:33:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:45:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE stories of explosions and home made bombs. Reminds me of all the shit I used to blow up at a similar age.
Metal letterboxes were out primary targets. Thanks for giving me a good post idea.
+2 for a funny story.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah that special father-son bond that comes from firing whole, uncooked potatos up to half a mile. It's amazing how loud those things are. Remember - the longer the barrel, the higher the muzzle velocity.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Memories....
In a similiar note, my dad and I made a spudzooka a few weeks ago. That is true bonding time. My mom (or "mum" for the English) is pretty pissed as it was her car we hit, put it was an impressive dent.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:27:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you refering to the device known as a potato cannon, or as I like to call it: the spudzooka? Those things rock more than life itself. I built a mean one.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-11-01 14:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brings back memories of lighter fluid cannons
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 12:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some_random_negro
That was you! FUCKER!!!
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-11-01 11:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad I didn't get hold of the sugar and the bleach before I turned 18. Now I'm accountable for my actions and I can't just book it if I hear sirens coming.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, now you finally admit who killed my fence makers.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BLIMEY
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man,
If we had meet as 13 year old kids we would've been the best of friends or the worst of enemies within the space of 5 mins. Not that there's a lot of difference between the two at the age of 13 of course.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You were a fucking idiot, and Gwen Stefani is decidedly unattractive. but so is Beyonce, J-Lo, Britney Spears, and all those lame fucking retards who pimp themselves to 13-year old boys.
Well, I sure feel a lot better.
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok I repent. She is hot. And there was no point to sticking that bit about her on the end. It was just a bit of randomness that amused me.
Submitted by Bobbywangstar (user info) at 2005-11-01 09:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for explosions
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On another note, I don't know why everyone thinks Gwen Steffani is so hot. She has no tits whatsoever and in her videos she looks like she's been shot in the face with Homer's makeup gun. You should always be suspicious when the director burns out the video to such an extent that all you can see is a pair of lips and two pupils. It means in real life she actually looks like Danny Devito's less-attractive elder brother.
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This is true. The rest of the post is not.
Still funny mind.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where the hell did the Gwen Stefani tangent come from? it ruins a prefectly passable post...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
When you're 13 there seems to be one thing on your mind. No, it's not what you think. At that age, most boys are concentrating intensely on the best, most efficient and most expedient way of exiting the gene pool.
---------------
Not me. I wanted to laze around and watch television.
Now to read the rest of the post.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-01 08:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE stories of explosions and home made bombs. Reminds me of all the shit I used to blow up at a similar age.
Metal letterboxes were out primary targets. Thanks for giving me a good post idea.
+2 for a funny story.
However, with Gwen Stefani I must protest. With a body like hers, you gotta take the good with the bad.