Halloween, Good times were had by all....so I heard? (509 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (View user info) at 2005-11-01 10:11:16 EST
I used to be really over weight. The kind of over weight that had me eating salad with fat-free dressing all week prior to a little league football game so I could get beneath the maximum weight of 125 for Pop-Warner. I bring this up because naturally, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday. Not anymore, my friends, not anymore. Now, as a 30 year old educated professional, my favorite holiday has become Halloween. At one point, I might have attributed my favoritism to the horror movie marathons held on every cable channel, but this past weekend, I realized why it had become my holiday of choice.
I went to a costume party. Where else can someone cover their face in paint, and act a complete fool in the name of good fun? Well, other than a football game. Where else can a guy show up in public wearing a black leather mask, some leather straps and a dog collar attached to a chain hooked to the wrist of his wife, who was dressed in Dominatrix attire, and not be ridiculed by his football watching buddies for having lost his balls and finally admitting it? I'll tell you where, a Halloween party with a dozen kegs of Red Oak, Yuengling, Bud Light, and Miller Light, that's where.
Knowing the guys throwing the party very well, my girlfriend and I arrived early to help with some last minute things and to get dressed. The flow of people through the front door was mind boggling; I guess when you scream "FREE BEER" people will come from everywhere. Of course the guests ranged from the standard: vampires, ghosts, goblins, ghouls, and witches to the more obscure; like Tyler Durden, Dirk Diggler, and Jack Burton (Me). Things began to get interesting as the night wore on; how many times in your life are you going to see Q-bert hitting on a bottle of Mezcal Tequila? A group of Cheerleaders who wouldn't give the football team head? And they tried.
Beer Pong broke out and the party moved into that room. Throwing ping pong balls across a table into your opponents cups filled with warm draft beer, forcing them to drink it when you successfully land the ball in a cup seems juvenile and immature. So, I signed right up, provided they rinsed the damn balls off with water before pitching them into my beer, I have OCD from time to time, shoot me.
I used to play baseball, how hard can Beer Pong be? Well, not hard at all if you work at the carnival, more specifically, the fish bowl game. I misinterpreted the appropriate skill set for this kind of competition and was soon on the losing end of a heated competition between Old Jack Burton, and my partner a Viking versus a Catholic Priest and Luigi (from Super Mario Bros), our penalty? Drinking beer, which I was doing before I played, it seems like strip beer pong would be more fun, because most girls can't throw when sober, much less when drunk, and their aim would be atrocious.
All in all it was a blast, I saw Luigi feeling up Dorothy later on, and the Tin Man (her fiancé) was pissed about it. He wanted to begin a fight club out back, Tyler Durden was all about it, but Old Jack Burton (me) wouldn't play along because they said I couldn't use a shovel. The dog-man pissed in the floor, or so we thought, but later found out that it wasn't because his Mistress had forbidden him to urinate inside. She, incidentally, began a fight club of her own when the clown asked her if it was a cuckold relationship, grabbed her ass and kissed her. Evidently it wasn't.
Thor passed out in the hot tub and almost drowned, thank God the life guard was on the back deck smoking. Thor's girlfriend, the wicked witch of the west later found out that the Monk wasn't totally celibate. I hope he is a Shaolin Monk, because Thor used real muscles for his outfit. But the way she was screaming, I doubt she goes back to Thor, which is ok, because Thor had left a small bite mark on Princess Fiona's neck only moments before leaving his dinner on her dress and collapsing into the hot tub. They were a dysfunctional couple anyway.
The incredible hulk drank too much for his 5'9, 165 pound frame and decided that "We're going streaking!" which wasn't funny until he told the pimp "it's cool, come on, bring your green hat" and then called him "Snoop, Snoop-a-loop". Ric Flair decided to join in the streaking operation, and the gorilla wearing a tutu was game but couldn't get himself out of the suit, so he participated by standing over the AC vent and pulling his tutu up. Which Marilyn Monroe found funny, until Batman asked her to "Show us how that really went" and tried to lift up her white dress.
Frankenstein showed up with his bride. Boring! Well, until I learned that his bride was one of his frat brothers (and we all know my level of adoration for fraternity scum). Mario and Luigi showed up together with Yoshi the dragon (Luigi's wife, who incidentally was not fond of Luigi feeling up a drunk Dorothy on the dance floor), and the princess which was Mario's brother.
Author's note: There are all kinds of psychological avenues available with that one.
Luigi and Mario were tough to handle in beer pong, but seeing the semi- bearded princess thumping her hairy chest and yelling "Drink up you sorry MUTHA FUCKKAA!" was worth the price of admission, which was free but would have been worth more if necessary.
Luigi was punched in the face by Yoshi for his antics with a drunk Dorothy, by the Tin man only to look up and see Yoshi standing over him saying something about being a sorry sonofabitch.
The pimp got too drunk and thought the princess was cute, until he realized the princess had balls. That must have been odd....
Princess: "Hey, who the fuck is grabbing my balls?"
Pimp: OH MY GOD, Mario, your girlfriend is a transsexual. Did you know that?"
The cheerleading squad ended up in the bedrooms with random guys, I couldn't tell you who. But are we really surprised?
All in all it was awesome. When I use the word awesome, I do not mean it in an over used Bill and Ted way, like 10 cents off of slushies at the local quick mart type of awesome but more like the wake of destruction left from a giant meteor impacting a portion of the Earth type of awesome. The kind of awesome that leaves you standing there in awe, babbling something incoherent and nonsensical because your brain can't get past the magnitude of what you are looking at and experiencing. The kind of awesome that affects rational, logical, intelligent human beings. That is the real gauge of awesominity, isn't it? What level of intelligence has been left mumbling something about disbelief? If Joe, the french fry guy, who successfully graduated 4th grade on his fifth attempt and then promptly quit school to go to work in his grandfather's Mill, was muttering "I ...I..c.can't b.b...believe it" then the level of awesome could range from buy one get one free on Marlboro's to the deliciousness of a hearty Steak. But, if Richard, the Wall Street tycoon, was to pass you in the street muttering "DDear God. I..I....C..Can't...Jeesus....What?" Then you would know that it was life changing. Then you would know that whatever it was will probably affect a percentage of the overall population, or is life changing on a personal level. Like, aliens, terrorism, ghosts, finding out your wife is a lesbian, or just a general Armageddon.
Sorry, got off on a tangent there for a second.
User Reviews
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-27 19:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an awesome story.
Please excuse me, I have to go google Jack Burton now.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-27 18:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more nekkid!
But sounds like fun
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-11-01 10:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome on so many levels.