Halloween Darwinism (604 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.57 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <diamond0sea.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-01 13:05:59 EST
Survival of the fittest has been going out-of-fashion! Help re-encourage natural selection by engaging in the following practices each and every year!
1. Encourage children as young as 5 to wield a sharp knife and disembowl pumpkins in the name of holiday spirit! Do not draw the distinction between vegetables and classmates!
2. Contribute to the dental and insulin decay of society's youth! Kids like baggies of raw sugar just as much as candy!
3. Perpetuate the belief that it is wonderful to dress however you want on Halloween! This leads to increased numbers of youth (ages 3-28) dressing in ways rejected by society! These costumes can incite any number of violent acts, from rape to being stabbed through the heart with a stake! Common costumes illustrating this concept:
- women dress like devil/vampire/witch prostitutes
- men dress like transvestites (not to be mistaken with men dress like women)
- children dress like hideous ghouls
- many more based soley on their misplaced ingenuity and your creative input!
4. Hire violent ex-cons as 'spooks' in you annual haunted house! No further explanation required!
5. Do not take your valium . . . just feel your lack of sedation build with each over-loud ring of your doorbell! Then you could really scare those kids!
6. Do NOT concern yourself with the damage you could cause!
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:23:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
!!!!! !!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-01 20:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Lerdy! my advise would be to slink away into the darkness and distance yourself from this post. If asked if it was you, deny deny deny.
Seek consolence in alcohol, im sorry for your failure.
Submitted by The_Last_Prophet (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If you haven't blown your brains out yet and they are still in fact in tact. I would like to inform you that after exstensive research, after reading your post, a pumpkin is a fruit. Horticulturally speaking that is. It's because they have seeds. Yeah, that's all I have for you. Okay, you can squeeze now!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-11-01 14:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Maybe you should have Googled Darwin and his theories first, hmm?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-11-01 14:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-01 14:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Huh?
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Swing and a miss. It isn't shocking enough to be interesting or funny.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:35:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Just.....really bad. sorry, man.
Submitted by The_Grammar_Nazi (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This post alone is reason enough to instigate a world-wide purge of your bloodline. Anyone related to you (as far back as DNA can be recovered from fossils) should be expunged from the face of this earth and hurled into the cleansing nuclear fire of the sun. Anyone involved in this process will be euthanized in the quickest way possible, thus saving them from the living hell they would go through when they realize just how fucking stupid your lineage is.
-1 just because I'm in a good mood from seeing the phrase 'I <3 TWAT' whitten in chalk in front of my building today. If the rain washed it away, then my God have mercy on your soul.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sigh.
Make that "Load the ammunition into the gun!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:16:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Take a break from the computer!
Go to Wal-Mart and buy a pistol!
Oops, no ammunition!
Go back to Wal-Mart and buy ammunition!
Hey, make them hollow point rounds!
Why not!
Live a little!
Drive to Target and buy a dropcloth!
Yes! They have one with a Spongebob print!
Aces!
Unroll the dropcloth!
Take your computer chair and wheel it to the center!
Ooh! Squeaky!
Load the gun into the pistol!
It's like putting quarters in a meter!
Pull the hammer back!
Put the gun to your forehead!
Wait!
Strip naked!
Toss your clothes into a corner so the mice can get warm!
Grab that eggplant you planned on cooking for dinner!
Fucking grab it!
Sit down on the eggplant!
Gape that ass!
Give it hell, son!
Almost there!
Nice!
Now we're cooking with salt!
Now, put the gun back to your forehead!
Pull the trigger!
Shamone!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate you.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
a day late and stupid to boot.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-11-01 13:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Am I missing something here? This completely sucked. Never try again. Keep this as your first and last post.