You Think I’m Crazy? Well…The Voices in my Head Say Fuck Off! -- My 1st Rant. (2277 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.85 on 95 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-01 15:09:19 EST
As many of you may or may not now I had a little scuffle with the law in the spring. If you want background information then search for "Handcuffs" and you will find it.
Part of my "rehabilitation" involves me going to see a shrink. For those of you who have never experienced this DUI crap I say keep it that way, because the three ring circus it involves will make you batshit.
Now I have a problem with this "court ordered" therapy for many reasons. First and foremost because I don't believe that this woman wants to help me in ANY way. She is simply there to gather information for the courts to use against me. Now keeping in mind that my arrest was for drunk driving (first offense), when I was not in my car (I know.. I know, read the other post) I feel that all these questions are inappropriate and insulting.
I say inappropriate because even if I am a raging alcoholic, why would the follow questions be relevant?
Q: DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU HAVE SUPERPOWERS?
A: Yes, I have the uncanny ability to attract smoking hot lesbians.
Q: HOW MANY TIMES WOULD YOU SAY, ON AVERAGE, YOU DO AS THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD INSTRUCT?
A: Is that what all the static is? Here I thought it was just my titanium clips picking up A.M radio stations.
Q: WOULD YOU SAY YOU PREFER SEX WITH MEN, WOMEN, OR BOTH?
A: Wait... you mean both as in at the same time?
The rest of the questions revolved around asking me how often I felt the need to lash out in anger by means of fire, destruction or personal physical violence.
So as I am sitting with this woman and she is scanning the list of questions and making confused faces- apparently it was her first time through - she notices that after ten minutes of me staring at the same wall in complete silence, that I am tapping my heel and fidgeting with my fingernails.
Shrink: "Are you nervous?" she asked me while watching me tap my foot.
Me: "No, why?"
S: "Well, because the tapping and fidgeting is common in a person who is on drugs."
M: "Oh, well, I am a fidgety person by nature; besides the fact that I consumed twenty four ounces of coffee in the ten minutes it took to drive here."
S: "Are you on drugs?"
M: <Blank stare>
"Uh......no, you do know I am here for a DUI right? I don't do drugs."
S: "Have you ever done Barbiturates?"
M: "That's pot right?"
S: "No."
M: "Then no I haven't."
The next ten minutes were spent asking me about my past drug use, and no matter how many times I told her I only tried pot she insisted on running through the full list with me. I was getting so aggravated I was considering telling her I had a bottle cap candy addiction. You know smash them up and snort it with a straw... never mind I don't know anything about that either. I saw a girl in college do it, but she said to stay away from the purple ones, cause they BURN!
But I digress.
My reason for this post is that besides the fact that I know this woman's job is not to help me. I feel insulted. Going out and having a few beers with your friends once in a while does not make you an alcoholic-drug addicted-bisexual-nymphomaniac-voice hearing fiend in my book, no matter what the government wants you to believe.
This whole thing pisses me off even more when I think about the fact that the people that are making these rules are the ones who can't remember the seventies because they were in drug induced comas... .and by comas I mean they couldn't get out of bed cause the orgies were just too good. They had their free sex, and their cool drugs, and what the fuck is a DUI? Ask George Bush, he can tell you how drunk you had to be to get a DUI back then. Now they are the powers that be who have decided that I can't even go to a bar, get tipsy and WALK THE FUCK HOME.
I can't drink at home - because then I have a problem.
I can't drink in public - because then I AM the problem.
I can't have premarital sex with men I find attractive - because then I'm a slut.
I can't have a bad day - because then I'm suicidal and need LOTS of medication.
I can't daydream - because then I have ADD.
I can't believe the bible is just a book - because then I'm going to hell.
I can't believe in ghosts - because I don't believe in god.
I can't get angry at someone and want to punch them - because then I am psychopathic.
I can't get my fucking grammar checker to be any help - because all it does is flag the fucking curse words.
<breathes deeply>
Sorry, I got a little sidetracked there.
I am so sick and tired of being told what I can and cannot do. I thought that once I turned 18 and was legally an adult I had the free will to make my own decisions. *sigh* apparently not.
So here in lies my dilemma. Part of me wants this to go smoothly, and for that to happen, I will have to lie my ass off and cooperate. But the other part of me... you know, the part that does what the voices say tells me to, says FUCK IT! Throw caution to the wind! Make this woman earn her shitty government pay! Go for the Gold! Be all that you can be! Chew with your mouth open! It's okay to kick kittens!
..... and other stuff, but I'm stopping there before it gets 'weird.'
The latter could (I am assuming) land me in a loony bin. Not that I would mind the vacation. But I know if I tell her the truth she won't believe me, just label me whatever they label people like me. I know that will happen because; well it wouldn't be the first time. The plus side to that is that the ten more therapy sessions I have to attend apparently won't help me if I am 'crazy'. This makes it really appealing to be crazy. Not that it would be a stretch in the least.
I tested this theory. She asked me what the most significant memory of my childhood was. I though for a minute and said "I drowned when I was six." (Search for "Drowned" if you want to read that- my personal favorite post by the way)
I told her how I knocked my head silly on the edge of the pool and sunk to the bottom seven feet down, and that at some point later I opened my eyes and found my body flung halfway over the side of the pool, unable to breathe.
I left out the middle part of the story and she kept insisting that my grandmother pulled me out. Even though when I opened my eyes she was at least twenty-five feet away from me, and completely dry and oblivious as to why I was choking in the side of the pool.
That's when she gave me the look. They always get the same look.
The look is:
80% 'Confusion'
19% 'You Are a Psycho'
with 1% of 'I smell a fart' face
The last is mixed in for good measure. I've seen this face multiple times in my life, and I've learned to deal with it by not divulging unnecessary information.
I despise the idea of therapy for me personally. I am very strong willed, and believe that whatever problems I may have are not going to be solved by me telling someone about them for an hourly sum. If I thought that shit would work for me I would go to church and do confession because it's cheaper. So..............
My question to you Uber is should I?
A: Be honest and let her think I'm completely batshit... Thereby (possibly) sending me to a rubber room.
Or
B: Keep away from the weird stuff and pretend to be normal for one hour a week.
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
half and half. lie, and then laugh honestly in her face. eventually they might just give you a new shrinkydink.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is good.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-09 10:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't remember if I rated this-
and i'm far too lazy to scroll down and see.
Either way, I'm still waiting on another installment.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, I don't have a gallbladder either. Cholecycsectomy rocks!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-09 08:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy birthday, PP.
*Doffs red bow*
Heh. Pee-pee.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-29 14:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've been appeased, and immortalized in a Substitute Verse of Shenanigan Pie.
So quit'chour whinin'.
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are Killer!
+2 Fairy
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-10 05:02:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid plus 2.
Ive done that test and the scary thing is when you start agreeing with the statements.
Submitted by ButtloadOfMystery (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops
Hee hee
Submitted by ButtloadOfMystery (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have arrived (majestic trumpets here).
-the psycho in the cell next to you
*wink*
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-09 18:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are crazy but i like that in a woman.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-08 11:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maddog darling don't get me wrong. The night all this shit went down was my first time out for several months because of being sick plus the surgery that followed. I go by the chart for drinks. Between the four beers I had at the bar, plus the two shots I had three hours later when I got home (which is where I was arrested) should not have been ANYWHERE NEAR the 2.0 that was in my blood when it was taken.
As my counselor told me "The fact that you have no appendix or gallbladder and hypoglycemia with apparent thyroid issue may mean that you cannot drink as much others do."
Well no shit! But where is that written anywhere? Big fucking help that is now huh?
The fact of the matter is that if I would have just slammed on my brakes on the way home and let the fucker run into me (instead of running in my house crying/chain-smoking/ and downing two shots in the half hour they took to knock on my door) I would have been fine.
The fact that I was hit by a drunken cop and had my car smashed into a utility pole destroying city property in the process is what makes me bitter about the whole process. I never got notification for court for the destruction of city property and I never got money from my insurance company for the 2 grand in damage he did to my car.... Because they....
Wait for it...
Wait for it....
COULDN'T FIND THE REPORT.
Now I have to go through all these hoops- yeah I can't imagine why I would think that the system is fucked up.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, DUI's DO suck, but whose fault is it that you have to go through this? Don't try and be disguted with the system when you are the one that fucked up and put yourself in this situation.
Good read, anyway.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
STICK IT IN HER POOPER
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-08 10:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-08 08:59:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:55:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
you look like you could use some dick
---------------
Why yes, yes I could. I would ask you to volunteer, but I know you hate fat chicks.
---------------
I don't hate fat chicks, I'm no fucking model. I just have a shitty temper and lash out on anything. I don't like obese chicks nor do I like anorexic ones.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-07 15:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you look like you could use some dick
Submitted by Shmee51 (user info) at 2005-11-04 03:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We all got problems... that we know we have them allows us to be aware of our sanity. The poor schmucks who think they're fine after they down a bottle of gin to wash down the bottle of vodka, they're the ones who need help.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-03 19:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, before the Doctors straighten you out - or put you on the meds - can I at least get one more outstanding tittie shot from you?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-03 10:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Guess which lucky Uberuser gets to go to GROUP THERAPY!
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-11-02 15:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't tell her about the eskimos or the trolls. That won't help you at all.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:34:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
The harder you try to mask your feelings or reactions, the more likely you are to contradict yourself at some point. Be honest, brutally if necessary, and don't try wearing a facade for her. she isn't worth it, and neither are the things she could do to you.
I'd like to watch what she could do to you, by the way.
-------------------
I am the queen of withholding information. I've done it my whole life. You guys here at Uber actually know more about me then people I've known for ten years.
I don't have to really lie per se- just leave out the stuff that makes me 'special' hehe.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Look her in the eye and say,
"let's just cut the crap here shall we? I am here because the system is fucked up, you are here because the system is fucked up.
We both know it unless you are a complete retard.
Now be honest with me here, did you really go into psychology so you could sit here with people who have been ass fucked by the system and fill out a series of completely inane questions that have fuck all to do with the proverbial price of tea in China or did you go into psychology so you could help people?
thought so
Tell ya what, if you really want to help me out here, just fill out whatever you need to fill out so both of us can get on with our lives and then you and I won't have to play this ridiculous petty little word game mkay."
it could work
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The harder you try to mask your feelings or reactions, the more likely you are to contradict yourself at some point. Be honest, brutally if necessary, and don't try wearing a facade for her. she isn't worth it, and neither are the things she could do to you.
I'd like to watch what she could do to you, by the way.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2005-11-02 13:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a similar experience once, expect my counselor died of a brain anyurism (not in my presence) after he suspected me of heavy drug use.
Har Har Rabbit
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-11-02 10:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-02 09:53:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like getting 'blown'
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-02 09:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"OH yeah real different for Pennsylvania, technically if you blow/lick everyone on this post you simply get off with a warning. Or a little slap (or thirty) on the phanny."
I fucking WISH it was that simple... not that I would........
Yeah... I would
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-11-02 09:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funktacular.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-02 09:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-02 08:43:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
how did you manage to get a DUI?
Any lawyer worth his salt would have gotten it thrown out because they arrested you after you entered your house.
YOU COULD HAVE SLAMMED A HALF BOTTLE OF JACK AS SOON AS YOU GOT HOME BECAUSE YOU WERE SO SHAKEN UP FROM BEING FOLLOWED!!
or you are leaving out some details (which I think is probable)
-------------------------------
APPARENTLY The new thing is that they have up to two hours to follow you home or wait around your house to arrest you for DUI.
It's part of the new DUI initiative thingy.... Only a man's home is his castle... doesn't seem to apply to us chicks.
If anyone knows differently - for Pennsylvania anyway. Feel free to let me know.
==========================================================================================
OH yeah real different for Pennsylvania, technically if you blow/lick everyone on this post you simply get off with a warning. Or a little slap (or thirty) on the phanny.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-11-02 08:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
move to a country without a totalitarian regime watching and judging your every move
hows New Zealand these days ?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-02 08:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
how did you manage to get a DUI?
Any lawyer worth his salt would have gotten it thrown out because they arrested you after you entered your house.
YOU COULD HAVE SLAMMED A HALF BOTTLE OF JACK AS SOON AS YOU GOT HOME BECAUSE YOU WERE SO SHAKEN UP FROM BEING FOLLOWED!!
or you are leaving out some details (which I think is probable)
-------------------------------
APPARENTLY The new thing is that they have up to two hours to follow you home or wait around your house to arrest you for DUI.
It's part of the new DUI initiative thingy.... Only a man's home is his castle... doesn't seem to apply to us chicks.
If anyone knows differently - for Pennsylvania anyway. Feel free to let me know.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-02 07:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you had to ask!
Pretend you are crazy. Think of the post.
It's for the greater good.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-11-02 07:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Play it safe and act it out how you know they want the questions answered, then when they have signed the 'Professional Peon is hereby not a mentalist' papers scream: "REDRUM! REEDRUUUM!" then run out of the room screaming and laughing and swatting at invisible flies.
Then Post about it.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-11-02 04:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go for the institution I say! The medication is great...
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:37:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-01 22:42:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Normal people scare me
(but still, you'd better wear the mask of sanity)
=================================================
I must have this on a tshirt, STAT!
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the man wants you to be part of the system.
the man needs you to be part of the system.
else it would not be the system.
act normal like a good little cog and the man will move to another.
but never be part of the system.
the old black dude in the plant in 8 mile said it best-
"stick with the plan, man. do your job and shut the fuck up."
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how did you manage to get a DUI?
Any lawyer worth his salt would have gotten it thrown out because they arrested you after you entered your house.
YOU COULD HAVE SLAMMED A HALF BOTTLE OF JACK AS SOON AS YOU GOT HOME BECAUSE YOU WERE SO SHAKEN UP FROM BEING FOLLOWED!!
or you are leaving out some details (which I think is probable)
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I say act completely looney-tunes
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-11-01 22:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:34:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry (or just fuck) me.
---------------------------
well said
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-01 22:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Normal people scare me
(but still, you'd better wear the mask of sanity)
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-01 22:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah pretend to be normal
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry (or just fuck) me.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probation sux the cow balls or bells.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-11-01 21:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be so normal it's creepy. Smile the entire fucking time that you're in there. Admit to having lustful feelings about your unattached, horribly sexy, of-age pool-boy but you're so worried that it's immoral. Be so chipper it hurts. You get the idea.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blowing me is the only answer I can come up with here, babe.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-01 19:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you just be honest and tell her you know she's just trying to find shit the court can fling at you later, so just fuck the hell right off? Then tell her if you have to repeat an answer to a question again, you'll beat her to death with her own clipboard.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's when she gave me the look. They always get the same look.
The look is:
80% 'Confusion'
19% 'You Are a Psycho'
with 1% of 'I smell a fart' face
The perfect solution: Eat about 10 gallons of chili before every session. This will remove the doubt.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think I've ever had a 'real' job (not counting contract/temp work) that allowed for any type of messenger service. At my job now they have an "internal" messaging service, but fuck if I will use it. Why the hell would I text someone who is in the same building as me? There are only 10 of us.
I can't even check my personal email at work for christ's sake. That annoys me more then anything.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and why cant you have any messenger at work?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know, I know, I will have to play along *sigh* I will have to stifle my giggles and try to look serious. I WILL need a beer when this is over.
Bob - I thought I told you before that although I may have sauce I have no form of messanger available at work.
Seuss - You crack me up. I'm flattered.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-01 18:05:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate, I Hate, I HATE having to play the game. But in this case, as much as it sucks, play the game. The stakes are just to important on this one. Keep us posted.
Love reading your stuff by the way.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just play the little game. Maybe try to steer the conversation into areas where you maybe do want some 'professional help'.
If it were me, I'd make the woman feel like an idiot -- which by the sounds of things wouldn't be too hard.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Peon you mean this post!! http://www.ubersite.com/m/69205 Nah I still give kudos where kudos are due, and honey you can write. Besides I'd do ya, nice tits.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do u liek hav teh aim or yahoo sauce?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:16:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just hoping you don't find the post with my face pic.... then you'll stop being so nice. hehe
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Could you perhaps be refering to the one in which the word document is available that shows a most beautiful way of drinking beer?
BTW, this http://www.ubersite.com/m/57368 was quite funny having done many the same thing to my drunken friends. I think we must be pretty close to the same age.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
marry me?
haha.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just hoping you don't find the post with my face pic.... then you'll stop being so nice. hehe
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Professional Peon it's my personal pleasure. Being the read whore I am I find all your posts very entertaining, very well written, and pretty fucking funny. Parsimonious, had to look the damn thing up! Oh yeah, as in all my posts for your work, "nice tits".
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my god Seuss I think you put every one of my posts on the front page!
I would cry emo tears... but I can't since I'm all dead on the inside and all.
THANK YOU!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha Miss Peon, great rant you go girl.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:49:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:43:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
BADASSMOFO you were in Straight? No shit huh? Back in the mutherfuckin day! LOL
==================
Yes I was Search Uber for Straight Incorporated and you'll find 5 posts about it.
Assuming you are not an alter, you were in too?
____________________________________________________________________________________
Not an alter and personally no, but I did my 7 years of pain and torture.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ain't that the fucking truth ruth!
====================================
DUI's suck. Everything that comes afterwards is bullshit and a waste of a persons time.
And my name is Ruth.
Submitted by Bobbywangstar (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"That's when she gave me the look. They always get the same look.
The look is:
80% 'Confusion'
19% 'You Are a Psycho'
with 1% of 'I smell a fart' face"
+2 I enjoyed reading this.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tim darling I'm not saying they all were, but you know they at least tried the shit. Go to comedy central's website to Shorti's Watchin' Shorti's, they have a Bush skit there about when he was pulled over for a DUI back in the day. It made me laugh my ass off.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the 'Crazy People' pic, that movie rocks
"hello, hello, hello
What a wonderful word, Hello"
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a Psyco test that they give you when you want to be a cop that has alot of really odd questions on it too...like " Do you you ever stick your finger in your anus after you defecate?" and a similar question "have you ever felt the need to put anything in your anus"
there was alot of bathroom related questions, and they asked the same question about 4 different ways too.
I looked up this test one time and it said something about using questions like that to determine if you are a child molester or somthing.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a) this was good.
b) i don't agree with the people who make the laws were druggies in the 70s thing. think of the people you know who are going into politics. i know a few, and they are the least partying people i know. they're all fucking stiffs. why else would they get into politics? i know a few guys who were druggies in the 70s, and now they're all fucking bums. thats just what i think.
c) you gotta pick your battles. i learned this...never. but people tell me its true. if you believe in something, you gotta stick to your guns no matter what. if you think she's in this to fuck you...do what you can to not get fucked. but at the same time, why not ask her, "are you here to help me, or to report to the court and get me fucked?" there's nothing wrong with asking the shrink stuff like that. but i wouldn't underestimate her.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be honest with the dippy twat, if she thinks you're still crazy, well, rubber rooms are fun.
But don't chew with you mouth open. Thats just gross. Kitten kicking is acceptable.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:18:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
She's another cop. Remember that.
-----------------
Between what you guys have said... especially you pete I have decided to play the role of a normal person.
Feel free to send an email to whatever commitee can nominate me for an Oscar.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ATTN CRAZED HENZ
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's another cop. Remember that.
Every time you talk to her, she's looking for evidence to use against you, not help you. Being too cutesy will do for you what it did for Jack Nicholson (sp?) in the Cookoo's Nest movie.
It all seems like a joke, but they use it against you whenever they can.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:10:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not insane.
At least that's what Walter tells me.
Who's Walter, you ask?
Why, he's an accountant for the Dutch East India Company, and he lives in my ear canal.
-----------------------
HAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaaa!
I'm hoping that my whole 'medical issue' angle will help me through this. Seeing how my body has been rebelling since I've had the Titanium clips installed. Because for the life of me I didn't have more then 4 beers in 4 hours. My blood was taken 3 hours after the last beer and it was 2.0. I think if I was 2.0 I would have felt it since I strive it when I'm not driving.
She seems to think along with having no appendix or gall bladder that my thyroid is jacked up and that may be why I have wacky readings.
That's what she said... but what I think she meant was "CAARRAAZY BITCH ALERT!"
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The only thing that had me freaked out about the whole thing was that she had taken so long to get through all the questions that there was still a dozen pages left after almost 3 hours. Her next appointment was already waiting for a half and hour so she says:
"I will just fill in the rest and we can go over it next week. I think I have a pretty good idea of how this was going to go."
I'm hoping that was a good thing.
TUNE IN ON SHIT POST THURSDAY FOR THE UNEXCITING CONCLUSION TO THIS WEEKS THERAPY SESSION!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not insane.
At least that's what Walter tells me.
Who's Walter, you ask?
Why, he's an accountant for the Dutch East India Company, and he lives in my ear canal.
Submitted by turbo3000 (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If you want it to go easy just walk like a duck and talk like a duck. Otherwise they will poop on you for a long time.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:53:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
And we all know that karaoke-ers are the scourge of the earth.
---
That much is true....
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<Steps away slowly with hands up>
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:53:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:50:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Take my advice girly, play it normal!
Hahahaha, oh dear God, I just realized that one day I may be one of these court appointed shrinks (as soon as I get done with this cursed Ph.D. and serve a residency).
I hope that doesn't mean we can't go out for drinks, riding a mechanical bull and terrorizing the villagers.
-----------------
I don't know honey. The way they make it sound around here is that I am a alcoholic menace to society because I go out with the girls every Wednesday for karaoke.
And we all know that karaoke-ers are the scourge of the earth.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for a good read
-1 for using "But I digress."
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Take my advice girly, play it normal!
Hahahaha, oh dear God, I just realized that one day I may be one of these court appointed shrinks (as soon as I get done with this cursed Ph.D. and serve a residency).
I hope that doesn't mean we can't go out for drinks, riding a mechanical bull and terrorizing the villagers.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:43:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
BADASSMOFO you were in Straight? No shit huh? Back in the mutherfuckin day! LOL
==================
Yes I was Search Uber for Straight Incorporated and you'll find 5 posts about it.
Assuming you are not an alter, you were in too?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BADASSMOFO you were in Straight? No shit huh? Back in the mutherfuckin day! LOL
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just finished my 2 year probation, $2000 in fines, and 50 hours of community service this past January for my DWI. I had to the therapy thing too. Lie and act normal. Trust me. Loved this BTW
"stay away from the purple ones, cause they BURN!" laughed my ass off! Thanks.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:40:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love you.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bite the Bullet and conform to the norm girl. I know it Sucks but is it worth the trouble this bitch could cause you if she really wanted to.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would say 'Act normal' but then you would just be acting...not being yourself
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Act normal ok.
Seriously, fucking with the head shrinks landed my ass in Straight Incorporated.
If they try to take you down, call me I can be there with guns for the break out in about 20 minutes.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B: Keep away from the weird stuff and pretend to be normal for one hour a week.
-------
SERIOUSLY - As you have rightly surmised, they are looking for information to use against you.
If they think you could be a danger to yourself or others, it just takes one other doctor to agree, and then they can involuntarily commit to an asylum for a while. It happens more often then you think.
Do you want to go to a mental hospital? Do you?
Seriously brother, play normal until this bullshit is done with.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A: Be honest and let her think I'm completely batshit... Thereby (possibly) sending me to a rubber room.
Or
B: Keep away from the weird stuff and pretend to be normal for one hour a week.
_________________________________________________
B. Let me explain why. Back when all the bad stuff in my life happened, late 1999 - 2000, second company went tits up (dot com), daughter with cancer, wife ready to walk out on me, much more, I ended up in a "happy hall" for three weeks because I was suicidal. Let me just say, it is not like the movies, it was hell and it is not fun. Do what ever it takes to be normal, because once you are labeled in any way, shape, or form as "outside" the curve, it never goes away.
Submitted by pfs4life321 (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Better then my first submission
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Although, on the other hand
you could have some fun with
this bitch. If you're honest
with her and she's going to
think you're nutso anyway -
fuck with her. It would
make for some good story
telling.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post kicked so much ass
even though you have deal with
all the shit you mentioned.
I personally would suck it up -
pretend to be normal. It sucks
it isn't right but in all honesty
WTF is 'normal' anyway? Just do
it to save face.
My favorite: "This whole thing pisses me off even more when I think about the fact that the people that are making these rules are the ones who can't remember the seventies because they were in drug induced comas"
Ain't that the fucking truth ruth!
Peon. I love you.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking bitmap! THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME!
Just like the god damned spell/grammar checker.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-11-01 15:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I popped this cherry.