Juicy Fat Burgers in Da' Hood (2412 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2005-11-02 01:11:21 EST
My Professor's research team at the Uni has been quite busy as of late. In two weeks we will be going to Toronto where the Psychonomic Society is having their annual conference to present our study on juvenile sex offenders. Also we are putting the final touches on the manuscript for the weight loss study we did. That study we plan to send straight to an academic journal for publication and not wait for the APA conference next summer. I like it like that because to me that's instant gratification. If you want to do both (conference presentation plus publication), you have to first present at a convention and only then submit for publication. It doesn't work in reverse. Don't ask me why.
Conferences are a wee bit boring. I usually misbehave afterward because for 8 or so hours previous, I do the nerd thing and the other nerds might not appreciate my "unique" style of humor.
Bunch of eggheads feeding off one another.
When we had our team meeting today, the group decided to finish up at Wendy's. I didn't think it necessary to do that.
"Let's all just stay here and finish up! Crap, none of us are saying anything worth a shit right now anyway!"
"That's because we're hungry, Bonnie! You're outvoted so you might as well hush."
With that we packed up and piled in Doc's car. The closest Wendy's from the Uni is smack dab in the middle of "Da 'Hood." It wasn't so much sticking out like a sore thumb or being nervous about being a group of Caucasian nerds in a dangerous part of town with a high frequency of drive bys, it was THE NOISE I wanted to avoid. Ghetto-esque establishments tend to be exponentially noisier than non-Ghetto establishments.
I don't really do fast food. I'm somewhat of a health, fitness, and food Nazi (at least towards myself) and in general I disapprove of fast food. Once or twice a year, I get an inexplicable craving for Taco Hell (oh excuse me, Taco Bell) and have an all out binge, which usually leaves me rather ill and camping near a bathroom the next day.
The group ordered burgers and fries and loaded, cheese and bacon smothered baked potatoes, and Frostys....Fortunately, the rest of the group isn't fat because working on a manuscript for a weight loss study while being overweight AND gorging at a fast food establishment would have simply been embarrassing.
I ordered a nice salad with a massive diet Coke. They snickered at my neurotic rigidity concerning my dietary practices. Not only that, they pointed out to me how I seemed to be the only person there with an apparent veggie fetish.
Everyone was chowing down and going over the current version of our manuscript and giving their opinions on what to cut, how to reword this, yadda yadda yadda.
"WHAT DA FUCK IS YOU STARIN' AT, MUTHAFUCKA?!"
The group of tables next to us was being occupied by an extended family. The individual wailing like a banshee was a rather large black woman who was sitting across from (what we gathered later) a male cousin (also kind of portly) of hers. He apparently was staring at her ample gut that was spilling out over the waistband of her stretch pants. She must not have appreciated his attention to her belly.
"I AXE'D YOU, WHAT DA FUCK IS YOU STARIN' AT?!"
Now, being the psych people that were are, we turned our head towards the show to observe this example of hostile human interaction. The male cousin started chuckling at her outburst which, of course, made things worse.
"AW HELL NO! YOU BETTAH NOT BE LAUGHIN' AT ME! YOU THINK YOU SKINNY?! I AXE'D YOU IF YOU THINK YOU SKINNY?! YOU AIN'T SKINNY! YOU AIN'T SKINNY! YOU A CHUNKY MUTHAFUCKA, MUTHAFUCKA! I'VE HAD FO' KIDS. FO' KIDS AND DIS FAT BOY HEAH GONNA SAY SUMPTHIN' TO ME! WELL, FUCK DAT!"
The rest of her group even began to get embarrassed by her tantrum.
"B! What are you yelling about?! What did T.J. do?!" asked a woman in her group. The cousin had begun to move from chuckling to laughter which, of course again, made things even worse still.
"HE LOOKIN' AT MAH BELLY! HE OVER HEAH STARIN' AT MY GODDAMNED BELLY, THAT'S WHAT! LIKE HE SO SKINNY! I'VE HAD FO' KIDS AND HE GONNA LAUGH WHEN A SISTAH EAT!"
When I heard the words "He lookin' at mah belly!" I even lost it and started laughing. Granted this was stupid because all this woman would have had to do was sit on me and I would have been crushed to death. My laughter therefore was also a little bit of 'nervous laughter' in addition to amusement. Big mistake to laugh at an angry ghetto woman on a rampage!
"AW HELL NO! NOW DIS WHITE BITCH HEAH GONNA START LAUGHIN'! WHAT DA HELL YOU LAUGHIN' AT?! DIS AIN'T NONE OF YO' BIDNESS!"
She started to get up from the table. My group was too interested in observing the interaction to realize what could have happened. Her group got up from their tables to come grab her and calm her down. Her cousin was still laughing and giving me a sympathetic nod as if to say "I feel your pain."
"WHY YOU LAUGHIN'?! WHY YOU LAUGHIN'?!"
"Lady, I can't help it. You're getting too worked up."
"HE WAS STARIN' AT MAH BELLY LIKE HE GOT SUMPTHIN' TO SAY!"
"So, stare at his belly and call it even."
For some reason, this bit of logic disorientated her and quieted her down long enough for the management to approach and ask their group to leave. They were frightening the other patrons. As she stared at the crazy white girl who dared speak to her, her female family members apologized to the manager and me and started ushering her towards the door.
"YEAH DAT'S OK! DAT'S OK! I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT AUNT TANZY'S MUTHAFUCKA, AND YOU BETTAH NOT LET ME CATCH YOU EATIN' NO PIE!"
The entire restaurant exploded in laughter at that! The cousin got up, pulled on his jacket and hat and walked over to our table and shook my hand.
"Honey, under normal circumstances you might be in a world of pain right now. Jesus must be on your side. You hang in there!" and with that, he strolled out of the restaurant.
When I turned back to my group, they were all looking at me like I had lobsters coming out of my ears. I just had one thing to say.....
"And you wonder why I don't eat fast food."
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-05-26 03:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hold on...
GM has such a boner over me, he's posting insults on other posts without being egged on or anything?
I'd feel honored, but he and his real persona are fucking cock-suckers.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-26 03:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WAIT.....
jgreening is am African American woman with 4 kids now?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-26 03:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta +2 this after quoting it in my story.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-12 06:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-01-09 01:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm burger.
You nearly got a cap busted in yo' ass. +2 for quick thinking and amusing ghetto antics.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-01-09 00:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! A similar woman told me that I'd better get out of Wendy's "Before I better." I said what? She said "Go on outta here before you better!" "Why come?" I knew I was the only white girl in the Little Five Points place in Atlanta, but still. Turns out her "man" was giving me "eyes", she said, cause I was "sticking it up". (Not sure what "it" meant.) I'm 5'0, 110 pounds, she was four times that. I skipped lunch that day. GOD!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-11-27 14:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GET IN MAH BELLY!
Submitted by Required_Reading (user info) at 2005-11-27 14:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A+
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-11-27 14:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YORK UNIVERSITY
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-11-02 15:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. I love how immature some people can be. You used them ebonics very well....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-02 15:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna axe you somepin
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-11-02 15:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a wonderful example of how dialectic nonfiction SHOULD be written.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:30:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:16:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
you talked to black people.
--=-=-==---=-=-=-=
*hushed awe*
---------------
This made me laugh my ass off.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU DON'T EAT FAST FUHD MUTHAFUCKER?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-11-02 13:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I just shat myself.
Your use of ebonics and/or jive talk was classic.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, this had nothing to do with Good Burger? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119215/
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<<they were all looking at me like I had lobsters coming out of my ears>>
A Christmas Story auto +2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you for making me hungry.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Golden.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2005-11-02 11:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2+2+2+2+2
LMFAO
"AND YOU BETTAH NOT LET ME CATCH YOU EATIN' NO PIE!" <- I have got to use that one...
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-11-02 11:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Stuff
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-02 11:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture is better than porn
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-02 10:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't black people say 'ask'?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-11-02 10:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sendin' the Wolf?
Yeah.
SHIT YEAH, NEGRO! THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY!
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2005-11-02 09:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmm, burger. <drools>
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-02 09:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot diggity damn, you's talked to them niggers!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-02 07:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you did a good job with the ghetto accent.
check out mine: http://www.ubersite.com/m/77556
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2005-11-02 06:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that isnt wendys.
im dissappointed in you
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-02 06:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that burger looks good. I could go for a little 'shake' with that (and I'm not talking about the drink)
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-02 06:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe, classic.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-02 04:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who would have thought the words "are you looking at my belly" could be so much fun.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:22:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to experience something like that, gosh our country is so sheltered compared to your daily lives hehehehehe.
_____________
Have a feed at Armidale Mission. (The Mish).
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-11-02 02:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just had one of those Taco Bell cravings. Oh man, that was the best burrito EVAR. I wish I was eating right now...
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-11-02 02:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The dialogue in this was a classic.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:16:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
you talked to black people.
--=-=-==---=-=-=-=
*hushed awe*
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to experience something like that, gosh our country is so sheltered compared to your daily lives hehehehehe.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you talked to black people.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And before you say anything, I left the picture large on purpose.