We actually took fertility drugs to have you; that should of been our first sign! (614 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Da MagnificAnt Dyldo <lordofduct.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-02 01:27:04 EST
I don't believe I received your average breed of parents. In my 22 years of life I have heard them give me the strangest tips and watched as the pulled the most absurd stunts. Beyond my comprehension they believed this was the proper way to raise a child. Despite the shit that they'd pull the state still consider them fit parents and people wonder how DCF loses children. For good measure I will list some of the greatest one liners I've heard from my parents:
"When braking the law, brake them one at a time!"
"So your the slut who is fucking my son. You know if he knocks you up I'm kicking you in the stomach and drowning him in the canal out back."
"So yeah, I got this shit from a friend and it's like, it's like ummm. It's like smoking death and I can't handle it. Do you want it?"
"Mike said that if you eat like 20 of these 'Mini T' things that it feels like your on 'e'. I'm a little scared to try; why don't you try first."
"Wow you got a girlfriend? Good, I always thought you were gonna turn out gay."
"I'm proud of you for not telling the cops who bought that bottle of Vodka for you!"
"Your mother is going to drive me to the point of being hand fed oatmeal while I bang my head into a lamp."
"Hey get in this cherry picker, I need your help holding this branch while I cut it with the chainsaw."
"Dad you have two hands..."
"Yeah, but one is holding the beer ass hat!" Kicks back beer while cutting a branch with the chainsaw in other hand.
"You know after you almost drown as a kid the doctors told us you might be retarded. I'm starter to wonder if he was right."
"The one thing you should always remember is never lift the lid and inhale when making hash!"
"If I ever catch you with one of them niglets I'm gonna hang you from the ol' tree out back by your neck... and not the one on your shoulders!" This one was actually from my grandmother.
"Now get down in the canal there and clean the enbankment out."
"But there is a moccasin nest down in there!"
"Eh, it ain't like they deadly or anything; tough it up!"
"You broke your arm? What the fuck do you want me to do about?"
"I've drank more then you; here you drive." As she passes a 14 year old the car keys.
User Reviews
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-02 14:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I be your brother?
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can only hope to come up with lines like that when I have kids.
Submitted by m0ke34 (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
people who -2 for grammar are extremely uncreative.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-11-02 10:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you'll probably grow up and be just like them!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-02 10:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't read it, but you get an instant -2 for writing 'should of'.
Should have.
Submitted by Bobbywangstar (user info) at 2005-11-02 08:58:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-11-02 08:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My Redneck Uncle Richard once told me if he caught me with an earring in my ear he'd cut my ear off while I slept and put it under my pillow.
I believed him.
I was about 9.
No piercings to this day.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-02 08:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bigjeegro (user info) at 2005-11-02 06:45:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me laugh, but I deducted a point for the grammar.
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And have that point rewarded back for your birthday!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-11-02 08:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yeah, but one is holding the beer ass hat!" Kicks back beer while cutting a branch with the chainsaw in other hand.
This picture did it for me...
Submitted by bigjeegro (user info) at 2005-11-02 06:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me laugh, but I deducted a point for the grammar.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-02 06:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-02 05:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll trade my 'rents for yours?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-02 05:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad spelling and grammar aside, some of this was fucking funny. I'm glad my parents weren't like that!
Submitted by crownofsuns (user info) at 2005-11-02 04:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your mother is going to drive me to the point of being hand fed oatmeal while I bang my head into a lamp."
That is just special.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:44:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
shouldn't the title have read: 'should have' instead of 'should of'?
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Quotes! I never said my fucking parents were English majors.
Well actually my mother was, but my step mother and father certainly were not.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
shouldn't the title have read: 'should have' instead of 'should of'?
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-11-02 03:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-11-02 02:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-11-02 02:26:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't true but its still funny.
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This is more then true.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-11-02 02:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't true but its still funny.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-11-02 02:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this amusing; anyone who uses a semicolon in their post deserves a +2.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There is one paragraph where grammar should matter. The rest are quotes verbatim. Grammar usually wouldn't matter there as the person speaking isn't using proper grammar.
As I look over it though, the spelling is atrocious.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for bad grammar and spelling. =(
have a cheeseburger ([]|)
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-11-02 01:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and today is my birthday!